topic System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter. in Multicultural experiences

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Sat, 02 Jun 2018 23:33:45 GMT

Recently I have been forced to live with less money or move out of my home.

This has caused havoc to my anxiety which has skyrocketed and my depression to a point where even though I am on medications, I still cannot sleep or eat or calm my mind.

I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain is trying to find ways to survive. I have nightmares and unsettling dreams that torture me. My stress is gone over the roof!

Let me explain: I live in a National Rental Affordability Scheme apartment as I am low income the scheme subsidizes the rent.

I moved in six years ago when my daughter was still an adolescent and I was the only one working.

To be eligible for this affordable housing you need to earn within the limit as every year there’s an income review and you need to provide pay slips etc as evidence of income.

The last income review showed that I exceed the limit as my daughter is now over eighteen and she has started work.

I had already limited my days of work last couple of years to meet the eligibility and keep my otherwise ‘permanent’ accommodation.

I live with a life-limiting illness and as I age it’s a great security to know that my rent will never exceed 30% of my grossed up income. There have been periods where I was too sick to work full time and my rent decreased accordingly.

I have the option of either ask my daughter to leave (she’s 22 and has lived with me since my divorce when she was 9), and then they’ll relocate me to a one-bedroom apartment somewhere else; or reduce my income further as they calculate the annual grossed up income for both of us.

If I don’t do any of this, we have six months to move out and lose eligibility for housing.

My daughter pays half of the rent and I have reduced my days of work to two in order to be within the limit. This though is not enough to survive after the rent and car loan is deducted.

My dilemma is security or risking moving in the private rental again.

My cultural values and experience gravitate towards the security option. But the limitation of not being able to work (which culturally for me equates success and progress), is really impacting me.

I’ve been told by the Housing officers that if I kick my daughter out I’ll be able to earn more as a sole tenant but will move out of the home despite.

Culturally is unfathomable to ‘kick out’ my 22yo who just started work last year and in many ways is not ready to be completely on her own.

Very worried.

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Peppermintbach — Sat, 02 Jun 2018 23:56:05 GMT

Hi Donte’,

I really feel for you. You must be feeling so stressed about it. I feel this is so painful because no matter which decision you make, it will require some sort of loss; either a security loss if you continue living with your daughter or a familial and cultural loss if your daughter moves out. Neither is ideal...and the second option would be heartwrenching for you...

I wonder if maybe, if you haven’t already, considered discussing this with you daughter to see what she thinks? I know you mean the world to each other so perhaps the best way forward is to have an open discussion...perhaps explain the multiple options and your thoughts on each one. Then ask her how she feels about it all...

I know this won’t be an easy conversation but as making a decision is pretty much unavoidable, I feel it’s probably best to get it all out in the open...just my thoughts though.

I know this is a very difficult situation to be in. The pressure and fears must be really weighing you down...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

White_Rose — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 00:03:51 GMT

Hello Donte

What a horrible dilemma. I do feel for you. You have probably told the housing people of your disability but if not please make sure they know.

I don't know that any parent would throw out one of their children in order to better afford to live. When I looked at my life and my children I cannot imagine throwing any of them out. I think all parents, or at least most parents, would feel the same. That being the case the housing people must be aware of others who have the same or similar difficulty and have some idea of how others have coped.

Can they offer you anything? I understand you can rent a one-bedroom flat which would mean living apart from your daughter. Have you discussed this with your daughter. At 22 she may be ready to fly the nest anyway. All my children had left by that age although they also returned periodically. I know it's not much help to tell you my experience. I was thinking of your situation against the general background of children growing up.

Do you need to have someone living with you as a carer? I'm sorry I do know about your illness and I am not asking. Just trying to think of different scenarios. I quite understand you not wanting to go to the private sector as it is usually very costly.

Let us know if any of these suggestions are useful.

Mary

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 11:40:44 GMT

Thank you Pepper,

Yes, terribly stressed.

I have discussed it with my daughter and she’s suggested to move out to make it easier for me. I feel this is dreadful.

I come from such a collectivist and family oriented culture and she’s been my everything especially since the death of my partner. She also loves me to bits and supports me. She would only do it for me, so I can remain eligible for housing.

You're right. No matter what I do I’ll lose something.

Sometimes the system itself pushes us further into desperation. And it’s not that it’s cheap rent here. They’re charging me the highest rent ($450) per week which my daughter and I go half.

My only consolation is looking back. Every time I was struggling with something in the past, it somehow worked out. It will again. I’m certain. It’s just having to live with that stress and anxiety until it does.

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Peppermintbach — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 21:26:56 GMT

Hi Donte’ (and Mary),

Yes, this would be a very stressful time for you (and your daughter). Your daughter sounds like she wants the absolute best for you hence her suggestion. But the thought of being apart from her must be heartbreaking for you...

She has been your world for so long and she clearly loves you too. Family means everything in your culture...I was wondering if you do end up going with this option, maybe your daughter might like to consider moving somewhere close to you (if she’s willing and there’s available and affordable places nearby)? Just a gentle idea...

Sighs, yes, the housing and welfare system sadly does have its shortcomings. The rent you have been paying still sounds pretty expensive to me...

I admire your attitude. Hopefully, as with other issues in the past, this also works out.

Pepper xoxo

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 22:46:53 GMT

Thank you Pepper,

Yes, we are inseparable in many ways, my daughter and I. She has been with me since she was 9 when I divorced. She now works and pays half of the rent plus her car loan, insurance, her bills etc so not bad for a 22yo who also studies simultaneously with working full time. She’s amazing and I admire her responsible attitude considering she’s also suffering from anxiety and is on medications just like me.

I chose to reduce my income further and now will be working only one day per week to remain within the eligibility for housing. We have a great support system in Australia that other countries wouldn’t even dream of and despite the changes (Eg now paying $400 weekly rent for a community housing apartment), the benefits are still great! If I was in my country of origin I would have to go back to live with my elderly parents or sleep under a bridge. - There’s no welfare system over there neither any rental assistance or health care cards or unemployment benefits. People literally are forced to rely on each other and without family you’re lost.

Of course the flip side is that the system here is as such that in a way it fosters dependency and encourages lack of participation in workforce and society contribution. Hence, the recent changes and cuts forcing people to pay up or move out to private rental. As the previous prime minister had said: ‘the age of entitlement is over’.

Still love living here rather than my country of origin and if I had to choose between the two it would be a split second decision despite the shortcomings.

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Brunswick — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 23:27:17 GMT

Just a thought, and not to add on to your stress. Can your daughter move out to a place nearby but come visit and stay with you as often as possible? Her place could just be a small room and she may not need to spend very much time there.

Also, I'm wondering, now that she's 22, you may want her to settle down one day and you can be a grandpa and all that. It sounds like you're able to go beyond the minimum requirements for welfare. Maybe you should have more faith in yourself, in your daughter, and your future as a family to go beyond the minimum levels you are currently in, which seems to be inadequate anyway.

As one door closes, another door opens. You have enough faith in yourself to know you can handle the stress. You will pull through. What a wonderful dad you have been to raise such a wonderful daughter. It sounds to me that your future is opening up but you're afraid to walk through the door. I get it. It's a scary thing to do. But I think there is a bright future beckoning ahead. I hope you find a way to grow in it.

PS: I enjoy your posts. You are so supportive to the other people here. You're a great guy and you have a wonderful family and future ahead.

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 07:02:44 GMT

Hello Mary,

Thank you for your reply and the suggestions. Some great thoughts! And thank you for your kind words.

I'm glad you are enjoying my threads and feel they are supportive of other people who also struggle. It provides me a great joy to be able to engage and share with others. This forum is such a great way to connect, especially when isolated or disadvantaged and it has been a great inspiration and motivation for me to be included in this lovely 'family' of people.

Yes, the Housing Officer is aware of my life-limiting illness. Unfortunately that is not a valid reason for the National Affordability Housing Scheme as I am not on a disability pension and nowadays it is much harder to qualify for one. (Thankfully, I also am not that unwell to be needing to be on some payment and I still work and make my own means. Have never been on unemployment or sick benefits etc).

My daughter is not ready to move out yet as she studies and works and cannot survive without my help and financial and other supports. However, when the time comes and she does move out, I will still have to move out of my current home as this is a two-bedroom apartment offered to me as a single dad raising her full time. Now though, she is an adult and the Housing looks at us as two adults living here, not a dad and daughter.

As you know the various services like Housing or Centrelink etc automatically view people as adults the moment they turn 18 despite the reality that for many years after the 'adult' children are still very much dependent on their parents for financial support.

If I wasn't unwell and could work full time to support myself in the private rental I would most certainly return to renting again. Just don't know what turns my health will take and I'm not getting any younger...It's good to know your rent will always be 30% of your income and if your income drops, your rent will also.

For now, I have resorted to resigning from one of my roles and limiting my work to one-day per week to be within the limits for eligibility as a tenant. Everything is subject to a 6-monthly income review. It is stressful and it certainly contributes to the anxiety and depression, however, I also know that I am not the only one in this predicament. Currently many changes are made nationwide which put low-income people in more vulnerable situations and become further disadvantaged but as we know this is the current climate we all live in. I know I'll adjust though as I always do. X

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 07:29:29 GMT

Hey Peppermintbach,

I agree with you and I think that family and especially children are important in every culture. There’s nothing more that can give us meaning and purpose and define our lives to that level as our children do. Partners may come and go but our children are always our children. X

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 08:57:02 GMT

Thank you Brunswick for your lovely and encouraging reply.

I’m happy to hear that you enjoy my writing and find it encouraging.

At the moment I have chosen to limit my income and see how I go until the end of the year when the next review will take place. If I can’t survive financially then may have to look at the option of going our separate ways with my daughter.

One day at a time. X

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 10:58:04 GMT

It is not always easy Brunswick,

As we often are focused on surviving, living day to day and feeling often let down or lose hope. However, we all need to protect ourselves and the ones we love especially in the midst of too much uncertainty.

I believe if we remind ourselves of our strengths and achievements then we continue to build on. Thank you for reminding me and summarizing it in such a way that puts it into perspective.

I have learnt in my life that if I’m honest, then I can face my problems and seek help, rather than deny or avoid them. This is how we can take responsibility for our actions.

It’s not always easy being courageous and share our problems with others but when we dare we find others respond often with compassion and empathy. In a way this helps us to persevere through difficult circumstances.

I enjoy maintaining engagements and cherish interactions in this forum of Multicultural experiences. Despite our vast differences there are so many similarities even in cultures geometrically apart from each other.

I find this forum helps me to be more understanding of the needs and feelings of others; even if very different to mine.

In my short time here I have grown my knowledge, education and skills while simultaneously I have stood up for my rights and stayed true to my values.

Circumstances have taught me to be patient with the process. To take my time. Do as much as feels comfortable. Keep goals small and achievable.

What is your experience with setting goals, having hopes and dreams?

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 11:54:25 GMT

Disney said once:

’It is not hard to make a decision when you know what your values are.’

The difficulty often is to choose between conflicting values and decipher which one is more important in terms of immediate versus long term priority...

This experience is helping me exploring what is most important to me? Why is it important? And what does it give me?

Can you remember Pepper times when you felt you were really happy and living in line with your values? What was happening? What value were you living?

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Brunswick — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 15:23:11 GMT

Too true, donte. And I will admit I have my fair share of disappointments. But, we do need to persevere and if we don't try, we've lost anyway.

I am like many other depressives - apparently doing well but feeling like crap inside. Being part of groups like this helps. It reminds me that I'm not being silly feeling the way I do. But it also reminds me to keep trying, to acknowledge my successes however small and insignificant they may seem to me.

I see how great the people here are, caring for one another even though they are suffering themselves. I do want us all to get the success and happiness we so deserve.

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 23:09:15 GMT

Hello Brunswick,

That’s true. These forums are a great source of support as they’re moderated and safe and allow people to share and explore with others their lived experiences in a respectful and anonymous space.

This provides us with the opportunity to engage and interact within the strict parameters of community standards that prevent abuse and further marginalization or discrimination which often happens on social media.

The additional benefit is that we can access them at any time from anywhere.

Eaxh time we share our wounds the trauma somehow weakens.

Great to have you onboard. X

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Peppermintbach — Thu, 07 Jun 2018 22:03:18 GMT

Hi Donte’ (and all),

What a thoughtful reply 🙂 I also appreciated the quote. Thanks so much for sharing it.

Yes, I get what you’re saying about priorities and the importance of understanding what (and why) a decision is personally important to you.

Can you remember Pepper times when you felt you were really happy and living in line with your values? What was happening? What value were you living?

Honestly, it’s hard for me to recall happy times. Don’t remember very many...usually I associate “happiness” more with escapism so maybe it’s not exactly happiness in my case then...

My values? I think they’re evolving and what I’ve learnt is values don’t exist in a vacuum. Feelings and context also play a huge part in my decision making process so it’s complex...

Great questions! It’s always good to talk to you 🙂

Pepper xoxo

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Brunswick — Thu, 07 Jun 2018 23:16:33 GMT

Dear Peppermint (dunno why we don't start our posts like this anymore. It seems kinder and less impersonal than Hi). One of the hardest part in getting out of my depression was, and still is, recognising that there are happy moments in my life everyday. I have to remind myself of times when people have been nice to me, or when I've done something good. I have to tell myself how lucky I am everyday and appreciate all the good things that happened. Things like, I woke up today still healthy. I didn't catch a cold or someyhing. I love coffee and I look forward to it. I give myself time to savor it and to remind myself how great this is.

I think about how easy it is for children to be happy. Sometimes, they are happy just to see you. They can be happy just waking up. Children have so little and are so dependent on other people. They are so vulnerable. And yet, they are happy so easily. Maybe it is just biology that this is so but I remind myself that being happy about the small things is what happiness is all about.

I needed to learn how to be happy and see how, despite all my depressing reality, I am actually very lucky and have a lot to be happy about. I needed to learn that doing this will help me get out of my depression and get on with my life. And that reality is actually a lot more positive than my thoughts are telling me.

I am encouraged by something I read somewhere on the Internet: it took us a lifetime to learn to be unhappy, it won't be easy to unlearn this. Thankfully, it won't take another lifetime. Thankfully, it will happen faster. Maybe not as fast as we'd like, but it's not as hard as we feared.

Maybe you can start by telling yourself: I am going to learn how to be happy. From now on, I am going to find and enjoy all the moments of happiness I can. Is this in itself already a happy thought? And a positive project? Everytime you feel unhappy, give yourself time to step back and remind yourself of this project. Be kind to yourself. *hugs*

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Peppermintbach — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 22:06:45 GMT

Hi Brunswick (and a wave to Donte’ and all),

I’m sorry it has taken me a little while to reply. Thanks so much for the kind and very thoughtful post to me 🙂

Sorry, I understand what you’re saying by how you feel opening a post with “dear” feels warmer to you. I hear what you’re saying but I must admit that I personally feel more comfortable opening with “hi” because it I like how it sounds casual , easy-going and friendly to me. I hope that’s okay with you. But if you prefer opening with “dear”, by all means, please go for it 🙂

You have clearly come a long way on your road to happiness. I’m glad your gentle reminders to yourself, warm outlook and being grateful and appreciative have all helped to improve your sense of contentment. That’s beautiful and empowering...

Thank you so much for sharing such a caring post. I really appreciate it 🙂

Hugs to you too,

Pepper xo

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 12:28:49 GMT

Hi dear!

(There you go! There's always another way! hahaha - integration!) X

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 12:52:58 GMT

That's beautiful Brunswick, and true!

Yes, life is nothing but the accumulation of moments, and despite the depression or anxiety, there are some beautiful, happy, great moments that we all experience all the time. It's a matter of being mindful of them an paying attention to them when they occur and then reminding ourselves of them when we are down.

We often feel our emotions or moods get in the way of reaching our goals. It is quite common for most people to have this experience. However, even though at times our emotions will need to be managed, most of the time they should enhance our potential and capacity to reach our goals - happiness, peace etc. We often can forget that the primary role of emotions are to enhance our life, and are not just there to be controlled or managed.

What emotions normally get in the way of you reaching your goals?

if you said depression and/or anxiety you wouldn't be alone, most people report some to major difficulties with fear and anxiety at some stage in their life, and as a result they feel defeated and depressed, this could include; fear of failure, fear of success, fear of public speaking, social anxiety, panic attacks, performance anxiety etc.

Other emotions that can be hard to cope with include; depression, guilt, shame, embarrassment, resentment, low motivation, anger etc.

So how can we turn these emotions back into an asset in our life instead of a liability?

The moment we set a goal for ourselves, and if it is important to us, it will probably be outside our comfort zone, important and meaningful. So often when we are faced with taking some of the initial steps towards this goal we will always feel some fear or anxiety and have setbacks.

This is one common mistake we make; we don't expect the fear/anxiety or setback, when the reality is, if the goal is important to us and substantial they both will happen. Worse still, most people can use this as a sign to give up, that they are not ready to face this goal, hopeless, that it must be the wrong goal, and the list of negative interpretations could go on forever!

However, the problem is not the fear/anxiety, depression or setbacks but how we respond to these things in our lives. We need to challenge the myths that say 'forget past failure and move on'; 'brave people don't feel fear'; 'fear is bad or a weakness'; 'don't be afraid'; 'sharing your fears is weakness'; 'fear reduces performance' etc.

We need emotionally intelligent ways to respond to these myths.

System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

Donte — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 23:13:29 GMT

I've been thinking more on how the problem is not the actual anxiety or depression or the setbacks (the symptoms) but rather how we respond to these things in our lives.

The common myths have to be challenged by emotionally intelligent ways of responding to the anxiety, depression and fears and setbacks, but how, you might ask?

I think similar to cognitive behavioural therapy, we need to listen to ourselves and challenge our thoughts. For example, if we believe that 'we have to forget past failure and move on', let's remind ourselves that fear is power; do not waste it, learn from it and from your past.

For those who think that 'brave people don't feel fear',keep in mind that if you are not feeling fear or anxiety you are not ready to tackle your goal!

If we say to ourselves that 'fear is bad, a sign of weakness and should be avoided', let's say to ourselves that we wouldn't be human if we did not feel fear or anxiety when facing a challenge.

If we hate feeling fear and want to avoid it, we can keep in mind that most people want their fear removed NOT improved. We need to get to know our fears intimately to improve them.

If we think 'there's no value in fear', let's remember, fear is good. Knowing why we are feeling it is even better.

Those who think that 'fear reduces performance', may need to keep in mind that using our fears positively will enhance our life and make us more successful.

I used to think that sharing my fears was a weakness. Now I know that sharing my fears is a relief. 🙂