topic Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help. in Multicultural experiences

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Thu, 15 Feb 2018 11:13:51 GMT

Tonight has been one of the many nights that my neighbors have been fighting and even though I cannot understand their language it has been so distressing that I had to called the police once again. This is a regular occurence. Things quieten a bit for a while and then the violence starts again. The police arrives regularly next door. Everyone knows about this and sometimes the neighbors may talk about it but the mother of two who doesn't speak English hardly talks to anyone and no one really knows how to help her apart from calling 000 when things get very bad.

Many women are trapped in abusive marriages for decades before finally fleeing from their controlling partners. This happens in every culture and all religious and socioeconomic spheres. However, when women come from patriarchal, male-dominated cultures and religious backgrounds were they are viewed as 'helpers' or lesser than their husbands, then it can be much harder for them, and may take much longer to leave and end the relationship. If they don't speak English and depend on their partners for financial support then simply can't afford to leave. Many remain in marriages that are toxic, for many years as they believe it is god's will or in their children’s best interests. It is a great shock to go from being financially secure to homeless.

Sadly, this situation is one echoed in countless households across the country within every community, with many women in toxic relationships facing an agonising dilemma — stay and face more abuse, or leave and face judgement and persecution from your own community, and poverty and homelessness.

People stay in marriages for different reasons, but everyone gets a financial reality check when they separate. Non-English speaking women in abusive and violent relationships may find it harder to leave but despite the hardship there are a range of support services available to them, including the police multicultural liaison officers, Relationships Australia, women’s shelters, churches and women’s legal services.

According to White Ribbon Australia, one in three women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence at the hands of someone they know, and one woman is killed per week by a current or former partner in Australia today, while domestic and family violence is the main cause of homelessness in women and children.

If you or someone you love is impacted by sexual assault or family violence, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). In an emergency, call 000.

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Peppermintbach — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 20:59:30 GMT

Hi Donte’,

I don’t really have much to add except I think this is a great thread for an important topic.

What I personally want to highlight is your point on how domestic violence (DV) isn’t just about the abuse itself but it’s about a whole range of other issues that fuel the abuse. You mentioned some of them, such as, financial dependence, patriarchial cultures, etc.

Pepper xo

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Peppermintbach — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 21:09:20 GMT

Sorry, I just wanted to clarify when I used financial dependence as an example of something that “fuels” domestic violence. What I meant was not that financial dependence itself causes DV but, as you said, it means financially dependent spouses are more likely to stay in abusive relationships if they have no source of their own income, it’s easier for abusive partners/spouses to use finance as a way to control their partner, etc.

This is particularly pertinent in cultures where married women are discouraged to work and remain in the home. While there is nothing wrong with this arrangement if these women freely chose this path, it’s an issue if they only chose this path out of pressure and expectation.

I feel as though I’m being really inarticulate today so I’ll just leave things here.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 22:40:05 GMT

Hi Pepper,

Thank you. That’s a very important point: not only about the abuse itself but what fuels it. Also, I need to add that even though women are mostly victims of abuse, many men are also abused by their partners. In fact 1 in 3 victims of domestic violence are male. There is also a lot of unreported violence in sane-sex couples.

In all situations there is a repeated pattern and history of abuse and a variety of factors contribute and ‘fuel’ the escalation of violence with a predominant one the codependent nature of the relationship.

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 22:54:00 GMT

That is very well said Pepper!

In cultures or religious settings where the role of a woman is limited in childbearing and raising children and serving as a helper or inferior to her husband, it is easier for wives to be less independent and seek education or employment options. This can make them depended on their husbands. Many cultures and religions propagate this as the only right way for a woman to live.

Patriarchal, monotheistic abrahamic religions and cultures in particular, predominantly are responsible for perpetuating these notions which make women more vulnerable and at risk.

Luckily, the more people integrate with others in cross cultural relationships the more empowered women may become and encouraged to be in charge of their lives, their bodies and their sexuality and their relationships.

In Australia, many oppressed women can find freedom to be and break away from the chains of their religious or cultural backgrounds. It takes time of course and not everyone is interested or capable to break away.

One can only hope that more choices are given to our girls today in our multicultural setting and no one is forced to live a life that diminishes their human rights and freedoms. Still long way to go though and the path is not easy.

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Peppermintbach — Sun, 25 Feb 2018 20:33:18 GMT

Hi Donte’ and all readers,

As always, It’s good to hear from you again 🙂

True, I agree with you that it’s important to highlight that men and couples in same-sex relationships also experience domestic violence. Yes, there’s generally a common pattern of abusive behaviours by the perpetrator.

I also agree that cultural norms and expectations of women’s roles can make women highly dependent on other family members, and if combined with lower levels of education and/or language difficulties, it can make it particularly challenging to try to leave an abusive relationship. Having said that though, I think it’s always difficult to leave, no matter what the cultural background happens to be. But I feel language barriers, a lack of a support network in Australia, etc means there might be additional challenges to seeking help.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Mon, 26 Feb 2018 00:14:59 GMT

Thanks Pepper,

That’s true. Abuse and violence happens everywhere no matter what the cultural background and it has many forms. It’s hard to leave the abusive relationship for a variety of reasons and codependency and controlling/exerting power over another is a major one, together with finances and other reasons that increase dependency. I guess that’s why often people who escape one abusive relationship develop a new one and another and another...

Unless the person looks hard at themselves and are prepared to do a lot of work on an emotional and psychological level to identify and change patterns and replace with healthy, respectful relational ways then it is likely that the violence will be perpetuated and continue with each new partner.

Mental health issues together with substance abuse, employment and other challenges will always make the person more vulnerable and disadvantaged.

It is a cycle. And it is vicious. It takes time and commitment and determination to work really hard and go against all odds to develop a new path that is healthier and positive.

Many still achieve this despite the unpleasant hard work that needs to take place and reach a place of content and live calm, safe, productive lives that nurture them and others. But it is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight, that’s for sure.

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Peppermintbach — Thu, 01 Mar 2018 20:06:21 GMT

Hi Donte’ and all readers,

It’s always good to hear from you. Yes, I agree with you about how there’s often a vicious cycle, not only for people who are currently in an abusive relationship but sometimes for people who end up in multiple abusive relationships as well.

I feel there is the also the issue of adults who experienced child abuse. I know these people are generally more at risk of ending up in abusive relationships as adults.

That’s not to say all adults who were abused as children will end up in repeated cycles of abuse but they do have an elevated risk. Similarly, not all people who had happy and safe childhoods are “immune” from ending up in abusive relationships either. I suppose my point is about what factors increase a person’s risk...

I think a person from a CALD background may have additional challenges if domestic violence is “normalised” (not that it’s ever okay) or considered completely taboo to even discuss in their culture. Some people may not even realise they are being abused in some cases or feel too “ashamed” to speak up. Or not know who or where to turn to...

It’s a complex issue and I don’t even know where to start...

Pepper xo

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Sat, 03 Mar 2018 16:29:32 GMT

Wondering if English-speking women who have been in similar situations are able to share their wisdom to support culturally and linguistically diverse women. Simply as violence doesn’t discriminate, and as sometimes we can all learn from each other.

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Peppermintbach — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 21:41:42 GMT

Hi Donte’ and all readers,

That is a good suggestion and could potentially be very effective 🙂

As I said, I don’t really have any answers. Perhaps the best starting point is raising the status of women to be considered as equals to men, and to preferably introduce this notion as early as possible e.g. in the childhood home where girls are raised to be equals to boys.

By equal, I mean for women and men (and any other gender identification) to be afforded the same human rights and respect: where no one is pressured/coerced/indoctrinated/etc into playing a “role “purely because of one’s biological gender at birth.

Sadly, this isn’t always the case for a lot of women especially women from CALD backgrounds where sons are favoured over daughters (purely because they are male and can “carry the family name”, etc).

In my Asian heritage, sons are traditionally favoured over daughters. This preference still exists today. Sometimes older family members pressure younger women to try for sons if they have only given birth to daughter(s). To be honest, I find this very upsetting and it angers me.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Hayfa — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 23:20:51 GMT

Hello Peppermintbach and everyone else,

You are quite right, among many multicultural families the sons are favoured because of the carrying of the name however, I think the violence to women stems from a very old religious and cultural view that men are to be considered superior.
I find the problem here, like many old outdated beliefs, they cannot possibly hold validity and credence anymore in this modern age we have now evolved in.

While educating perpetrators may work for some men, most refuse to engage to become different and learn the ways and rules of this country and, the right of respecting all women.
I think it is integral to include information for women experiencing domestic violence and resources to help perpetrators change on our Multicultural People website.
Domestic violence against any woman is abhorrent and should not be tolerated, I feel the best and only thing we can do for women from CALD background that may be experiencing this, is to give them all the information about their rights and let them decide how and when they want to do something about it.

Sadly, we know from research that most women from CALD backgrounds in this situation will not involve the law first up, they need to be told of the process and outcomes to their partners and they need to be told about what support exists for them should they involve the law. This information needs to be about financial support, health, wellbeing, housing and employment.

More importantly, most CALD women don't understand or trust western authority although as we have found from working with them in the Greater Dandenong peer support project, they will talk to someone from the same cultural background who understands the events and the traditional views behind the event. In light of this, it is very important to point women who are willing to go for help to the community support groups who have multicultural workers such as intouch and many others in the States and Territories throughout Australia.

Hayfa

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 01:25:57 GMT

Hello Pepper,

In my culture too having girls is still in many ways considered a disadvantage! When older Greek people ask me if I have any children and I reply that yes, I have a daughter, I usually get the following reactions: ‘Oh, don’t worry, you’re still young, the next one may be a son!’, or ‘Oh no, you better start saving!’, or ‘Only one? One equals none! When are you having your son?’ etc

You see in my culture, like in many cultures around the world, traditionally a woman’s role is to stay home and have children, preferably boys, so the family name can continue. A woman wasn’t able to get married unless she had a dowry - her father had to provide her with a house and money in order to attract a wealthy and educated husband. So people started resenting having girls. Especially the poor families. There’s a lot of folklore highlighting this in the Greek literature, art, songs etc

Of course nowadays arranged marriages are not the norm and as our modern Greek society has moved away from religion in ways unprecedented to the past, the liberation of women has taken place and most households have dual income and many times women may have higher income than their men! Yet, the notions still permeate the culture and belief systems to the point where in the year 2018 we still get remarks like the above-mentioned!

Sadly, many educated, professional women also carry these notions in them even if they’re born in Australia and are of second or third generation Greek families.

The majority of adult sons become responsible for the elderly parents’ finances and estate etc where the daughters are expected to do the housework and help them with showering and shopping!

I look at Muslim families and still see little girls covered in burqas on their way to school. When I was a teacher I had girls who were forbidden to swim or participate in sport or athletics! This happens in Australia today!

So yes, raising the bar is pivotal! What type of messages do we give to our girls? Good starting point!

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 01:31:20 GMT

Hello Hayfa,

This has been my experience too working with women from non-English backgrounds over the last couple of decades.

Your recommendations are very useful. I agree.

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Peppermintbach — Fri, 16 Mar 2018 06:02:21 GMT

Hi Donte’, Hayfa and all,

Hayfa: what a fantastic post. Yes, I agree that outdated beliefs are a key contributing factor.

I feel your comments about some women from CALD backgrounds being mistrustful of authority figures who don’t speak their native language makes a lot of sense. I imagine this mistrust and fear might be more pronounced amongst women who migrated to Australia at a more mature age and are still getting used to the laws and customs of this country, and are perhaps quite socially isolated.

I could be wrong but I feel perhaps, women from CALD backgrounds (who were born in Australia or migrated to Australia at a very young age) might be more trusting of western authority figures simply because they’re more used to them/grew up with them plus might be more confident speaking English? As opposed to those who arrived in Australia at an older age?

For example, I’m female and I’m from a CALD background but I generally don’t really have a major issue with western authority figures. I suspect that is partly because I’m used to western authority figures, can communicate in English with no major language issues, etc.

Donte’: great insight, as always 🙂 I really liked your comment about raising the bar for girls and women.

Yes, to this day, boys are often perceived as more “valuable” than girls in some (not all) cultures. I think when you hear comments like the ones you get from older Greek people, the subtext is basically that a daughter isn’t “worth” as much, and I feel that’s very hurtful.

One of my relatives recently gave birth to a son and she is being treated like a queen by some of my older relatives because traditionally, in my culture, the “best” that a woman can do in life is to give birth and not just give birth but to a son. So seeing as I don’t want to have my own children...I don’t even have to tell you about their thoughts about me.

Anyway, I completely agree with you and I feel it starts early. I feel it’s not just about educating girls but boys too need to be on board when it comes to understanding respect and equal rights. The “whole prevention is better than a cure” strategy if you get my drift.

But I suppose it’s hard when some parents might still hold certain views that don’t promote respect and equal rights as those beliefs can trickle down from generation to generation. For example, even if schools promote gender equality (which is fantastic) but if the home environment is at odds with that...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

Women from diverse backgrounds trapped in abusive relationships not knowing where to seek help.

Donte — Fri, 16 Mar 2018 10:46:11 GMT

Hello Hayfa,

Great points, especially that 'many women from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds, especially if recently-arrived, may not understand or trust western authority although as we have found from working with them in the Greater Dandenong peer support project, they will talk to someone from the same cultural background who understands the events and the traditional views behind the event.'

Of course we should mention also that there are quiet many who don't trust someone of their own community and are sceptical in regards to confidentiality issues and even using interpreters as they don't want their community to find out that they're faced with an issue. If these people don't speak English and/or have any access to other supports, not sure where they'd go for help.