topic Ethnic dad with anger issues in Multicultural experiences

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 10:03:40 GMT

Hi guys,

I'm just really annoyed at my dad. He doesn't respect my mother, who has given him everything. She is the only one that works in the household since my dad has a broken leg. She pays for everything, she cooks and she cleans. My dad doesn't appreciate anything she does. and to top it off, he treats her parents with no respect.

He stresses my mum out. I asked my mum to divorce him but she said no because he has good qualities about him. He literally emotionally abuses me, my sister and my mum.

I seriously don't know what to do. I am not allowed to move out until I'm married. Everything is just hard.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

smallwolf — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 11:35:50 GMT

hi.

Sad to hear that things don't sound very good at home. From your post it certainly does sound like she is doing everything and get nothing back in affection or respect. From the outside, when you look at this, it does seem wrong.

I do not know much about your family such as (1) place of origin, (2) when parents came to australia, (3) etc.

I wonder how much of the what has happened is a result of his own upbringing and experiences? And perhaps the same for your mother? Or is the anger you see something unique to him?

It does not excuse the behaviours exhibited.

I also wonder about the good qualities mentioned that were mentioned.

How much of this you want to answer is up to you. Perhaps you can educate me ...

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Croix — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 11:49:15 GMT

Dear Sophia16~

This sounds in part as if some cultural roles are influencing matters (forgive me if I misunderstand). In any event your father and mother are together, and if suggesting your mum divorces him is not accepted then there must be a reason.

I don't know enough about the circumstances to judge, it could be love, culture, duty to children, lack of confidence after being abused, lack of money, fear of the unknown or any one of umpteen other reasons.

I guess all you can do at this stage is to give your mother and sister such support as you can and wait until circumstances change and you are independent. I don't know how much longer you have to go to complete your BPsychol but maybe during or after that you can find employment and have a place of you own.

I know without 'permission' that may raise problems in the family, however it will take some of the pressure off you, living in a toxic environment takes a heavy toll, and may even allow you to support your mother and sister more fully.

You might also find concentrating (apart from your studies) on things that please and occupy you would be a pretty good thing. It is not being selfish or closing your eyes to other's troubles, but simply sensible self-care.

What do you think?

Croix

Ethnic dad with anger issues

tranzcrybe — Tue, 22 Mar 2022 01:54:38 GMT

It's always tough when one family member has some ailment - it places much responsibility and strain on the other(s) to pick up the slack and also show some undersanding/compassion for incapacity.
Tempers become frayed and we can become caught up in the moment as being the nature of things now and, curiously, of things to come. This permeates the whole family creating a melting pot of discontent - could you perhaps be overlaying how you feel about your own restrictions and conditions into the equation?
Life, of course, is measured in the long term and your mother clearly sees this despite the pressure she is under presently and she is making sacrifices for the benefit of others.
Interesting your saying she is the 'only one' who works, cooks, cleans - are you not your father's daughter after all?

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Mark Z. — Wed, 23 Mar 2022 11:07:26 GMT

Hi Sophia,

I'm really sorry for your challenge. Do you want to share your culture background, so that we can understand better?

And when you say you're annoyed at your dad because of the way he treats you mum, in your eyes is it purely cultural or there's something else, and how the way your dad treats you? If he treats you normally you can find good timing to have one on one open and honest talk with him. In many cases, fathers are willing to listen to their daughters.

Or, if you think your dad has mental challenge, he behave this way because he's suffering mentally, you may need to try to help him, arrange him to see a GP or psychologist.

If you think your dad has committed domestic violence to your mum, in order to protect your mum, you need to ask the police to intervene if necessary.

Mark

Ethnic dad with anger issues

geoff — Wed, 23 Mar 2022 15:44:50 GMT

Hello Sophia, I am very sorry about this because when we travel o/s we have to abide by the rules of the country and can't deviate from them, such as if they ban anything, then we are forbidden to do it as well.

The same should happen in Australia, unfortunately, it doesn't, however, your father should not have the ability to control this, if your mum wants to move out then she should be allowed, and the same goes for you.

Your mum says he has good qualities, may be back home o/s, but you live here and what he forbids is not recognised here in Aus, so this needs to be encouraged both to you as well as your mother.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

therising — Thu, 24 Mar 2022 20:23:12 GMT

Hi Sophia

I really feel for you. Your dad sounds seriously triggering. Your mum sounds like a legend and you sound deeply caring. Your mum's lucky to have you in her life, someone who recognises all the hard work she puts in.

What do you think things would look like if you began to focus largely on your mum? What kind of relationship do you feel would develop between you and your mum if you could manage this? Do you think the 2 of you would grow closer? Do you think if you were to help your mum out with some of the little things around the place that she'd come to see you as someone who raises her spirits in a real partnership of mutual care and respect?

While your mum mentions how she sees the good qualities in your dad, perhaps she hasn't fully woken up to the more questionable qualities. With the more questionable/negative ones, do you think it could be a matter of her having tolerated them for so long that she simply sees them as 'normal', whereas you've woken up to them as being highly questionable and triggering?

I'll throw out an example of how focusing largely on your mum can perhaps lead to some more positive emotions in the household. Just say, for example, your mum's been run off her feet doing a whole stack of stuff and your dad says to her 'Why haven't you done this?!'. Cue Sophia, guardian angel to her mum, 'Mum, have you ever considered how truly amazing you are? All the things you manage to do really amazes me. You're an amazing example when it comes to motherhood and a beautiful person'. Bamm, that's just over ridden your dad's 'Not good enough' attitude/comment. You could could even raise her consciousness further by adding 'Mum, we need to schedule you some self care/self loving time. How can I help with that?'. If you can get your sister on board with the plan, to focus on raising your mum's spirits and consciousness, it's a bonus. Try raising her to smile more.

I'll warn you, as a mum myself and from personal experience, if you and your sister are on board with working as a team with your mum, your dad may at some point say 'You're all against me'. It may appear so but, in reality, all 3 of you (you, your sister and your mum) are for each other. You're an inspirational and productive team 🙂

So, how would it look if the 3 of your were a team? Do you think your mum would wake up to how positive, inspirational and supportive people are meant to be? Would that then lead her to love herself more and see more clearly your dad's behaviour?

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 08:44:27 GMT

Hi smallwolf,

My dad is a refugee from Afghanistan and my mum was born here.

The way he reacts is definitely due to his past. His father used to abuse him when he was younger so he is now trying to be like his dad.

I tried to tell him to go to couples counselling but he says he doesn't need it and he doesn't want any help.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 08:48:24 GMT

hi,

Thank u. I appreciate the advice.

i will not be allowed to move out until i am married. I don't have the guts to just leave my mum and sister. I will be disowned especially with brown culture.

It's hard but I will just try and focus on my studies and not let him influence my life badly.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 08:50:35 GMT

i do try and help her when I can. I try to make myself busy by studying and going to uni but i can't keep distracting myself from what is happening.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 08:53:48 GMT

Hi Mark,

My dad is a refugee from Afghanistan and my mum is Indian but born in Australia.

He is definitely struggling mentally. I am studying a BPsyc and I've tried my best to help him but i am not qualified to diagnose him. I have asked him many times to see a psychologist but he has refused. he says that he doesn't need help and he can help himself.

It never ends. I try and try to help him but he is just so stubborn. He shouts at me if i even mention it anymore.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 09:01:07 GMT

Hi,

thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate it 🙂

The good qualities she sees in my dad is 1. He cleans the house, 2. He can cook, 3. He cares about his daughter (takes them to school).

That sounds really great. I will try and improve my relationship with my mum.

You are right. My dad does say that we are against him. He always does. It is because we are always on my mum's side. And so he shouts and emotionally abuses us as usual.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Croix — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 11:09:30 GMT

Dear Sophie16~

I was formally disowned by my parents for wanting to get married - go figure. In either case it is a matter of parents thinking they "owned" their offspring, a toxic state of affairs. The only upside is it teaches independence and gives a template of how not to be a parent.

I'm not surprised if you and your sister supporting you mum leave you father feelng all are ganging up on him. If he behaves unacceptably then yes, people will naturally not support him. From what you say he is not receptive to criticism or change, and definitely not outside help.

This makes things very awkward I'm sure, as you cannot stop supporting your mum, and that makes things worse. I'm not sure of the answer, perhaps there may be neutral times you can be with him and simply 'hang out' so he feels less isolated.

Do you think that might be possible? Admittedly a difficult path to walk, particularly if he happens to be the sort who will not leave family relationships alone and keeps harping on them.

I'm not sure that your studies are all that relevant, it is not a case of diagnosis and therapy, but a very different type of circumstances where one has to try to make a workable life with ordinary family tools.

You are a very loving and empathetic person, it shows here in your care for you mum. I suspect you are also a very capable one too.

Croix

Ethnic dad with anger issues

smallwolf — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 11:27:06 GMT

Not sure how this will "help"...

Some people will think there is nothing wrong in the way they act or behave - something I have seen in a few families. And part of that comes from how they were raised and it is their normal. And to say it's wrong may also mean looking at their own relationship with their parents?

So I don't know what you can do here except to recognise how awesome you are in trying to bring some sort of peace to your family environment.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

therising — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 20:20:08 GMT

Hi Sophia

You sound very thoughtful in the way you've tried to coax your dad into seeking help in changing life for himself and, in turn, those around him. Childhood abuse in our parent's life can definitely impact their parenting. You can have some parents whose basic mantra can be 'A good smack now and then never hurt a child'. For a start, I'm sure you'd agree, there's no such thing as a good smack when it comes to basically disciplining a child and second - this strategy can hurt a child, all the way through into adulthood. I've come to believe that when a child reaches a reasonable age (an age where you can reason with them or give them relatable reasons for what you're saying), it's then that you can begin to instill in them the skills of reasoning. 'Don't question me, just do as you're told' can be another familiar mantra from a parent. Such a mantra can let a parent off the hook when it comes to being answerable, to sometimes highly questionable behaviour. Some parents don't even hear what they're saying at times, they've simply inherited the mantra 'I don't care! Just do as you're told'. 'I don't care', if said often enough, can become convincing to a child who's looking for a parent to seriously care.

Studying what you're studying, I imagine it's a massive lesson in human behaviour to some degree. Human behaviour is a fascinating subject. I find it interesting how when we express our sense of wonder others can simply shut down. I've come to wonder at my husband in recent times, when it comes to why he does what he does or why he believes what he believes. I wonder whether you do this with your dad at times, like when you may wonder why he behaves the way he does and then ask him, for example, 'Dad, why don't you get help in managing your emotions?' or 'I can't help but wonder why you can't open your mind to seeing things from my perspective'. I've found some people would rather not think their way through to being more conscious, for one reason or another. Perhaps it's too upsetting to revisit the roots of what generated their behaviour. Sometimes they simply don't see anything wrong with how they behave or what they believe in.

When I ask my husband 'Do you ever wonder why you behave in this way?', he'll typically say 'No'. It leaves me puzzled as to why someone can simply vibe the way they do without wondering why they do it. Personally, I like to understand why I think or behave the way I do 🙂

Do you wonder, out loud, at your dad?

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Mark Z. — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 10:22:44 GMT

Hi Sophie,

Thanks for your reply. I think you've done really well. As your dad can't be impacted no matter what you do, the focus then should be protecting yourself and your mum, physically and mentally.

Your mum doesn't want to leave your dad, it's her choice, however you can try your best to repeatedly let her know, if something really bad happens (domestic violence), you or she can call the police.

And as your said, focus on enriching your life, do what you love to do, and expand your social network.

Mark

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 01:42:24 GMT

Hi Croix,

things are starting to get better i guess but who knows what is going to happen next. My dad made an agreement with my mum. he said that if they start arguing again then he will go to couples counselling with her.

I know it is just words and not actions but i have some hope.

I will be getting married at the end of this year. My dad is allowing me to. But as i said, who knows if it is just words.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 01:43:34 GMT

yes, you are right. it is very true. They don't really release what they are doing because of how they were brought up.

I really hope one day he does get how his actions are hurting people.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

Sophia16 — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 01:48:43 GMT

Hi,

Wow, that is deep. he truly has inherited a mantra. I just hope that when i become a parent, i don't turn into him. I am honestly scared for my future.

I have wondered that, many times. But I have never had the guts to ask because I'm scared he will say something or just shout at me.

I have to keep my mouth shut with him. Maybe when he is calmed down and in a good mood, i will ask. so he can reflect on his actions.

Ethnic dad with anger issues

therising — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 02:43:40 GMT

Hi Sophia

If you imagine yourself, in the future, to be a parent who carefully listens to your child or children, they'll become your guides. While I was raised in the way most folk are, to not question my parents, I've tried over time to let go of that concept. As my kids have grown (my daughter is 19 and my son's 16) they've been able to phrase their questioning more constructively over time. When once they may have asked 'Why are you so mean?', now they'd perhaps phrase it as 'What stops you from giving greater thought toward how I feel?'. Pretty much the same question but phrased differently. They've also raised me to be a more conscious person in general in many areas of life. Questions such as 'Why can't I do that?' or 'Why won't you listen to me?' are a couple of the many valid questions they've thrown at me over the years. Such questions have led me to be more conscious. Yes, I absolutely catch myself sounding like my mum and dad on occasion but that's natural, I believe. The conditioning stays there in your head until you gradually learn to ease it out. It's not unusual to hear people say things like 'Gee, I sound like my mum' or 'Gee, I sound like my dad at times'. As long as we're conscious of our self behaving like another person, that's progress. There are actually times we can feel proud to sound like one of our parents when what we catch our self saying is something beautiful they've conditioned us into saying and believing.

I've found, over the years, being a conscious parent is much easier when your kids are allowed to make you conscious of your behaviour. Mutual respect is born out of great communication and listening skills. My husband's more old style when it comes to parenting. He has a tendency to shut down just about any line of questioning/challenge our kids throw at him. If I'm in the room, they'll look at me and roll their eyes in frustration.

Btw, I wasn't always as thoughtful toward my kids as I am now. I've found parenting is a bit of a 'learn as you go' process. One of the most significant thing's I've learned - the greatest of teachers can come in the form of little people, our kids 🙂 Took me a while to wake up to that fact. You'll make a great parent, I have no doubt. If you begin that journey with the determination to be as conscious and respectful as you can be, that's always a good start 🙂