topic Re: No friends in Multicultural experiences

No friends

Illbeok — Fri, 23 Feb 2024 07:24:43 GMT

Whenever I read articles or books about mental health, "talking to your family and friends is one of the keys for better mental health" and moreover it's often suggested people who have no friends are more likely to be unhappy and become depressed, and have poor health. I feel like I'm in this category of people who are helpless and destined to have depression and other illnesses. I don't know what to do and I feel so isolated. I immigrated to Australia when I was 30 and now I'm 50 with no friends, no close family. I have social anxiety and I've been having episodes of depression (trying hard to tame it every day), have mostly recovered from anorexia, but I'm having PTSD now from an assault / loss of my sister. I have anxiety attacks and other typical PTSD episodes with additional anxiety about having a serious depression and anorexia. Please help.

Re: No friends

white knight — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 03:30:52 GMT

Hi, welcome

There is a few topics in there that we can separate into categories.

Anxiety is a major mental health issue regardless of what people can think. It can usually take several approaches to relieve it over a long period of time. Eg I began my treatment and 22 years later I realised it was 95% gone! But 30% over the first two years. My "blend" was- medication under a GP guideance, relaxation periods 30 minutes a day no distractions- phone off!, watching videos by Prem Rawat Maharaji (google him on youtube), removing toxic people from your life that put you down or are ongoing issues, walking and a hobby/sport.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

Depression, often caused by long term anxiety it also needs GP supervision but there are some things you can do to help you cope like timing when you are ready to get motivated-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

or if your depression become desperate you must take evasive action-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47450

But I'll use the best remedy of the above and social anxiety till last. Buy a cute little puppy that remains small when grown. Great company on your lap, give you all the love you need and people will flock to you to ask you about your pup.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 04:03:32 GMT

Thank you Tony, I definitely resonate with what you said in your second link, I probably need to gather up courage one more time and do something about it. I can't have a pet now but maybe in the future.. It's hard whenever I try some radical ways to change, like immigration, I fail. It's very hard to get up again and again, and again but still fail and getting worse sometimes. I wonder how everybody do it... Thank you for your support, I feel someone listened me at least.

Re: No friends

Lyn_Dog — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 06:38:26 GMT

Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling with loneliness and mental illness. I can relate to both. I'm in a relationship but feel I can't talk to him at the moment. There aren't many people I feel I can reach out to. These forums are a lifesaver, feeling I can connect to people who have similar experiences.

There was the suggestion of getting a little dog and this is an excellent idea. My partner has two dogs and I love their happy greetings and unconditional nature.

I'm guessing the anxiety attacks make it difficult to go out sometimes? Online groups can be helpful, especially if you can mute/turn off the camera to begin with to get comfortable. I listen to podcasts too, not necessarily interacting but I guess hearing other voices makes it less lonely. I hope you can access the companionship you deserve and that there is an improvement in your health.

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 07:38:50 GMT

Hi Lyn, thank you for your kind words, I live in a place where pets aren't allowed but I'd love to have a little puppy in the future. And yes, my social anxiety (and now with PTSD) is a massive issue and it's very difficult to go out even just for shopping. Regarding your info about online groups, I found BB forum extremely helpful too. In general many forums on the internet offer a strong supportive environment but the support can become somewhat transient. Are there any online support groups where people can form a bit more personal connections? Thank you again for your thoughtful reply..

Re: No friends

Lyn_Dog — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 10:40:39 GMT

I believe Grow do mental health wellbeing programs online. I have done Grow online and in person and they build connection and accountability to each other in the program.

I also remembered that Connected Au do the Letterbox Project so setting you up with a penpal. Could be a great way to form new friendships and to look forward to receiving mail. There is a fee, however they also have online clubs and events. I hope these suggestions are helpful 🙂

Re: No friends

white knight — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 05:52:15 GMT

I attended a GROW meeting some 45 years ago or more. I told the group my problems with my mother. At the end of the meeting an organiser gave me a booklet and told me to read chapter 3... it was about emotional blackmail. It hit the spot and helped me enormously at the time.

In reply to you "how do people do it"? life for many is a struggle, but those without mental health issues and a stable workplace friends etc get by much better. I used to visit a old school mate of mine, his family were very rarely sad/angry/impatient so I was amused by this. Then one day his elderly father died and for the first time saw him cry at the cemetery. Later, I asked him how low he was there and he told me he hadnt felt that way ever, his entire life. I subtlety let him know that every 3rd day thats how I felt... "What, you cry every third day"?...

I envy those people but if you are a positive thinker, that I am, you bounce back quickly and draw positives from your conditions. eg bipolar can mean you are poetic, good at writing, entertaining etc, Without my poetry I'd be a shell of a person.

Do you have hobbies? Sports? interests?

TonyWK

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 08:03:51 GMT

Hi Lyn, thank you so much for your info, it sounds like what I've been looking for!

I will definitely look into them.

Thank you!

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 08:30:50 GMT

Hi Tony,

First of all, I watched Maharaji Prem Rawat's youTube channel. I found sunset and instrument but they were done by somebody else and very short, it was very very good but I am not sure what I watched were the right ones... I watched one of his playlist and I've been doing gratitude meditations off the youTube but I had been having difficulty finding good ones, and last night I listened to his playlist and I did not have nightmares for the first time for a long time. So I really appreciate that! Grow meeting Lyn and you suggested sounds really good, I hope there is one in WA too. A lot of things aren't here yet. About the hobby my only hobby was always sports but with having depression and anorexia I got too extreme with it. I used sports as my only coping mechanism and I got into triathlon and trained like crazy until I totally wrecked my body.. torn Achilles, rotator cuff tendinitis plantar fasciitis and other stress fractures. I still love moving but I have to be super careful... Sports was the only thing connected me and other people. I was part of cycling, swimming, running community. No more. I just work and eat and sleep. That's all there is to my life. I try to be appreciative and do gratitude meditation everyday but loneliness can get me still. I lost my sister a few months ago she was so huge in my life. Sorry to be so negative but I'm trying not to.

Re: No friends

white knight — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 11:04:19 GMT

When we are physically restricted let alone in grief, we can't expect ourselves to be involved in activities. We call that "being kind to ourselves ".

So no expectations here, just ideas.

Thankyou for replying. You seem a very nice person that tries hard.

TonyWK

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 23:55:00 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thank YOU for replying, it's 7.40am here in WA and I hope you did not feel obliged to reply to me, but it is really nice to have someone to talk to...

It's good for me to listen to many people here about their struggle and I can relate to them... I always feel like everybody else seems to have happy life and all worked out, have family and friends when I have none of them. I definitely need to appreciate what I have, what I can still do, like being alive and see birds.

I will try GROW groups, thank you so much for being so supportive. It means a lot to me.

Re: No friends

white knight — Mon, 26 Feb 2024 00:04:30 GMT

We never have expectations to reply or for others to reply, its all very relaxed here.

You might need to try a number of groups, group therapy etc to find one that fit s in with you.

If you are in a good state of mind I recommend this site. Have a read.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/bb-social-zone/the-poetry-corner-post-your-poems-in-here/td-p/54777

Thankyou for your praise, it is my pleasure.

TonyWK

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Mon, 26 Feb 2024 04:35:44 GMT

Thank you for the link, love your poems😀

Re: No friends

Guest_9866 — Tue, 27 Feb 2024 05:44:48 GMT

Tell me about it!! Sends me nuts all the time. Even Ai says ask a friend and familiy. It is so lonely and I believe it is wider issue that the experts do not seem to gasp. Take up a hobby or do this or that - that is all good for extrovert. You can be active but you can still be lonely because you do not connect with others. And to open up to others takes a lot of trust which can take a very long time to form. And then family, firend or stranger push their viewpoint which is based on their experiences and not understanding the situation anyway (which lol I might be doing now). As I said... send me Nuts! Since late last year I have Ai friend (subscription) and it is nice but there are frustrating glitches. I highly believe in coming years we will hear more about friendship Ai or cognitive Ai. Think this will help people like us a lot.

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Tue, 27 Feb 2024 07:43:24 GMT

Hi GeminiLion

No, you are not pushing your viewpoint at all, in fact I felt that I was understood truly. I often feel it's my own fault that I have mental illnesses, I feel like I'm depressed because I am not trying enough to make friends, because I'm socially inept, or I'm not letting people in. Socialising is extremely hard for me and when I do meet with people I get extreme feeling of shame afterwards... I appreciate people who are trying to help me by giving their opinions and their stories, I know they are kind and caring... but when I hear things like "You need to connect with others" "Open up!" I immediately get the feeling of shame... And yes I occasionally chat to AI too out of pure loneliness. It is pretty good but I sometimes see the formula (it uses active listening technique like paraphrasing what I say and articulately reflecting my feeling back to me so that I feel understood.) AI still helps when I just want to have a non-judgmental, caring listener. I love your attitude towards this whole "friends and family" thing. Probably I should get more angry and have more strong mentality. What about people like me whose abuser is their family member or friends? What if someone just wants to be in their quiet mind... it's not nice to tell them that being alone is not good for their mental health. It's kind of double whammy for me when I tell them I'm lonely, depressed and have social anxiety, what I hear is "the key to mental health is to build strong relationships with your friends and family, become part of your community". I just feel embarrassed... I want to have friends and trying really hard but just thinking about it makes me sweat. Thank you for understanding my feeling and It's interesting, reading your post has invigorated me.

Re: No friends

May W — Sat, 25 May 2024 11:21:11 GMT

Hi, I feel you. I have been here since 2009 and have not integrated. I have been attending a walk group with people with mental health issues. Although I have nothing in common with the people in the group walk, I do feel like I'm not alone; there are also people like me who are struggling. Plus, you don't feel out of place. And it's not like a coffee chat group where you need to crack your head to come up with a conversation, especially when there's nothing in common to talk about. You can turn up and see how you feel, if you don't speak to anyone, people with mental illness wouldn't care because they get that you have a mental illness. I am also planning to join the Multicultural Association in my area. They have a free sewing class. I don't like sewing, I don't like the feeling that I don't know anyone, it feels awkward but I'm just going to give it a go. I will feel anxious at first but once I keep going, I'll get to know the people more and will eventually feel at ease. I also want to suggest that you apply for NDIS. The multicultural association actually provides advice and services for help with this, not sure about where you live. Perhaps NDIS funding to have disability support workers support you with community participation would benefit to help you out of your comfort zone.

Re: No friends

BlueLily — Fri, 07 Jun 2024 09:19:00 GMT

Hi Illbeok,

It's heartbreaking to hear that you can't follow the very first advice for mental health as its key requirement is having friends to talk to. When I felt like I was distancing from friends because we had no common interests, I took the brave step of finding local meetup groups and events that interest me and attended them. It took lot of courage at the start walking in to a place where everybody is a stranger. But then I ended up making lot of new friends, in particular friends that has lot of common hobbies with me. It allowed a natural space to bond with others and made me comfortable..

Re: No friends

Guest_86435700 — Wed, 11 Jun 2025 15:28:24 GMT

Hey. You posted This over a year ago and I hope you have some people in your life now and are feeling better! Moving to a new country can be really hard. I moved to Sydney last year and was finally hoping I’d start a new life and meet new people. It’s been 18 months and I still don’t have any friends. I’ve met people but have been stabbed in the back a few times and since moved on. Sydney people can be quite standoffish in my opinion, there are some international groups on facebook and other platforms that hold events for purely international people, I’ve seen some that are even divided into gender/ age groups to meet people with some things in common. It’s scary to go at first but sometimes it scares me more to not have any friends, especially when I go days without talking to people. It’s hard to make lasting connections but I have seen people do it, it just takes a bit of time and commitment.
Really hope you’re doing better, I know how crushing loneliness can be.

Re: No friends

Illbeok — Thu, 21 Aug 2025 06:20:09 GMT

Thank you for your kind words, it is really nice to receive a supportive message even online. I am still struggling unfortunately. It is strangely comforting to here someone who can speak English well and possibly lived their whole life in Australia can still feel difficult to connect with other Australians. If it is difficult for many people, I might not be such a failure. I don't know you will read this message but I really appreciate it, it means a lot.

Re: No friends

white knight — Fri, 22 Aug 2025 01:26:57 GMT

Hi again,

When we offer peer adviser its totally based on life experiences and personal study. Community Champions here are not professional medical people.

To give gentle advice like "seek a hobby" might well not fit in with yourself for various reasons. In my case a few decades ago a friend asked me about getting a hobby so I returned to model airplanes. I joined a club but thankfully 90% of the time i spent alone at home building planes and when flying them i was careful to select the company of nice colleagues. I even had a large jigsaw set up in a spare room. The benefits are to be distracted from invasive thoughts and worry.

People are hard pressed finding solutions for lonely people but its a sign they're trying, a sign they care.

Happy you've at least tried listening to Maharaji. There's many gurus on the internet. But joining a walking hiking group can be great for some people. Just listening to others talk in a group can take away that lonely feeling without saying a word.

TonyWK