topic Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers in Multicultural experiences

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

funkyzoom — Sun, 20 May 2018 20:31:57 GMT

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

PamelaR — Mon, 21 May 2018 03:24:14 GMT

Hi Funkyzoom

It's good you've found your way here. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

Having anxiety, depression and BPD is difficult. Though you seem to have successfully managed yourself over the years.

I'll ask questions so I can help provide you with the best support I can. However, there is no pressure at all on you if you don't want to answer.

You have had some good ups, e.g. well paid job, university, lead vocalist of a band. So I don't see you as unworthy or pathetic as you say. It's so easy to focus on your positives and it's little wonder people see you as a regular, happy go lucky person.

Then the otherside, the negatives you feel about yourself. It eats away, doesn't it. I've been similar to you. My work face came across as confident, competent. Underneath though I was self hating, always believed I did my worst.

I am not a health professional, so really, can't offer support about medication. Have you talked with your doctor? There's a forum here Treatments, health professionals and therapies. You can ask Dr Kim a question if you wanted to find out more about what doctors can prescribe and what psychiatrists have to prescribe.

Have you discussed your work and loneliness situation with your psychologist? Especially around thoughts of self which can impact on both these situations. It's important to discuss these openly with your psych.

I know what you mean about making friends,it's not always easy. Friendships are built. It takes time, effort and a commitment to want this to happen. Find groups or clubs that interest you. Sometimes we have to expand our interest base, e.g. I took up photography in the last couple of years. I joined a local photography club and a few different photography groups on fb. This opened up my world: regular outings with other members of the group/s. Through this I've started building friendships.

Making decisions about your work situation is complex. It is something you need to discuss with your psych, especially around your sense of self, your workload stress and support network at your work.

Do you talk to your family about how you feel? Have you thought about skyping? I'm sure they would be quite concerned about you and want to help in whatever way they can.

If you are in danger then call 000, if you need to talk, phone and chat support services include.

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Lifeline 13 11 14

Please let us know how you get on. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

funkyzoom — Mon, 21 May 2018 08:10:19 GMT

Greetings PamelaR

Thank you for taking time out to give me a detailed response. I will try to answer your questions as best as I can.

I have discussed my work and loneliness situation with my psychologist on a number of occasions, and she has taught me some ways to cope (which have helped a bit). But on the whole, things are still pretty bad.

Now regarding my work, at this point it is the major cause of my distress. Since I was nearly homeless and desperate for work, I accepted this job in spite of knowing that it wasn't the right role for me. My workplace feels more like a prison, since I have to adhere to strict in/out times, have no opportunity to work independently, manager constantly looking over my shoulder, being forced to do tasks with which I have no skills or experience, needing to beg and plead to take leaves I am entitled to, etc. I am unable to seek other jobs because I can't keep taking time off work to attend interviews for other jobs. Unless I quit this job first, I can't find another job.

I have always been a bit of a loner, but the issue has been exacerbated now. My self esteem is so low that I feel I will never be accepted as part of any group (like those you mention) because of my perceived inferiority. Besides, my BPD makes interpersonal relationships really hard. I feel like no one in the world understands me. I often get judged as 'attention seeker' or 'negative person', just because my mental illness is not visible on the outside for them to see.

Yes, I am pretty close with my mom and younger brother (they are the only family I have), and talk to them over the phone a few times a week. But they live halfway across the globe, and can't really do much about my situation. They sympathise with me, but that's about it.

I have this constant fear of being unemployed, and becoming homeless. It is this fear that is stopping me from quitting the job which is killing me every day. And I often have nightmares about dying alone, and vultures feasting off my corpse since I wouldn't have had anyone in my life to even give me a decent burial.

I just want to go to sleep one day and never wake up. The world has rejected me. The human species has rejected me. I feel like an alien. I hate looking at my ugly face in the mirror every morning, I hate my mentally ill brain which is as dumb as it can get, and I hate every fibre of my being.

I am completely lost, and am basically clutching at straws to hold on to my sanity.

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

PamelaR — Mon, 21 May 2018 11:50:39 GMT

Hello Funkyzoom

It sounds like you are going through a difficult time.

I do feel for you. Especially with your family half way around the globe. It can be so difficult on your own, though it is good to hear you are keeping in regular contact with them. I'm sure they would be devastated if anything happened to you, like never waking up. Having BPD doesn't mean that your life is going to always be the way you think it is. There are a lot of stories in the forums by others with BDP. Do a search on Beyond Blue home page for BDP. You are not alone. Reach out.

I am also really sad about how you think about yourself. Why do you feel rejected by the world and human species? Are people saying things to you because of where you come from? This is just awful. People should not make you feel that way. People are cruel and discriminatory at times. I'm so sorry if this is happening.

You say - my psychologist on a number of occasions, and she has taught me some ways to cope (which have helped a bit). But on the whole, things are still pretty bad.

I'm a little surprised you're not being asked to explore ways to challenge and to change how you think about yourself. If you aren't having much success with your psych, think about finding a new one. You can search for a psychologist in your area by going to the Beyond Blue home page and doing a search for finding a professional.

Your work situation sounds incredibly difficult. Do you feel people at your work discriminate against you for any reason, e.g. where you come from?

I understand completely how you fear being homeless, I always felt that too, so always held on to my job. But as I learnt to grow more confident in myself (to rid myself of my beliefs about me), I was able to move on from jobs that were not good for my health. It takes courage and confidence. Find a solution for attending interviews, e.g. just phone your work and say you are sick. Try to get a couple of interviews on the one day.

I'm sure there will be others who will respond to your posts to help you also.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

funkyzoom — Mon, 21 May 2018 20:20:12 GMT

Once again thank you for your kindness and empathy, which seems to be becoming rare in this cruel and toxic world.

I certainly do not feel rejected just because I come from a different country. Not at all. It is just that I can sometimes be emotionally unstable, or behave in ways which are not typical. Obviously, the so-called 'normal' people have no clue that mental illness is a real thing, so to them I am just a whiny coward who is incapable of 'handling life's pressures'. It is unfair. A man in a wheelchair is never expected to run a marathon, since his disability is visible on the outside (I have nothing against people in wheelchairs, just to be clear. This is just an example). But since my illness is not visible, people assume that I am just acting entitled and prissy. No one understands that surviving through the day in itself requires huge effort for me.

Yes, a part of the reason for my inferiority complex is my race (I belong to a race which is often considered bottom of the barrel in the developed world), but again that has nothing to do with how I am being treated here. This is an internal thought that has always persisted, and I am unable to get rid of it.

My psychologist's opinion is that, my situation wasn't this bad until I started working in my current job. And the pressure, stress, negativity and work environment are affecting every other aspect of my life negatively, and making my problems worse. This type of job is certainly not suited for someone with my medical condition. And she feels the longer I stay in this job, the worse it will get for me. Then again, I am caught in this vicious cycle where I am unable to get another job while still working due to lack of flexibility and confidence, and I am unable to quit without having another job offer, due to the fear of becoming poor and homeless. I seriously wish they fire me, that would make things so much easier.

I just need a break from my stressful profession. I am willing to do ANY minimum wage job for a few months, as long as it does not involve too much 'thinking', and my hammered brain gets some much needed rest. But I have physically dropped my resume at 70-odd places (like convenient stores, car wash centres, warehouses etc.), and haven't had luck. It appears like in Australia, to get a casual job, you either need to be a young student, or have someone already working there who can 'refer' you for a job. Since I don't satisfy either criteria, no one will hire me around here.

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

Donte — Mon, 21 May 2018 23:00:49 GMT

Hello funkyzoom,

Welcome to this forum. I’m glad you had the courage to reach out. Yes, I can relate with you. At times, while reading your thread, it felt as if it was me speaking!

I have been seeing a psychiatrist that bulk bills. There are a few around!

If you feel you need to be on meds again, ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist that bulk bills.

Going to a psychologist can help but only up to a point.

There’s no shame on being on meds or see a psychiatrist. And you can do that in combination with the psychologist or support groups and/or other services. Often, we need more than one support system in order to meet our needs.

Once you are on medications you’ll be able to find some comfort and when symptoms subside you can look at other job options etc.

A good start could be to invest into your hobbies and things that make you feel happy and see if you could turn this into a job that can generate income. For example, when I was deeply affected by depression, anxiety and panic attacks with severe mood swings, I got a dog. This led me into petsitting and dog walking as the dog had separation anxiety and couldn’t stay alone in the apartment. So I met other neighbors in my block with dogs and we started friendships and looking after each other’s pets when at work. Due to the fact that my dog needed grooming every month, I went and did a few grooming courses. This led me to a new job as a dog walker, dog minder and groomer. Over the last four years, not only my depression has been improved due to the constant engagement with dogs but also my social life, meeting other dog owners, combating anxiety, creating friendships etc.

If someone had told me four years ago, when I was stuck and unhappy in my job, after my partner died, and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that my life would change completely and I’ll have a new career just because I followed my passion, I would have laughed!

I’m fifty and with no partner! Society’s conditioning tells us that we need a partner! That we are not complete individuals unless we are coupled. That’s not true. The longest and best relationship is the one with our selves. Partners come and go. We stay.

Its great that you go to the gym, enjoy your life in your own terms and find time to play video games etc.

Do lots of whatever makes you happy. Do it for you. You may find that others with similar interests are attracted to you and create friendships.

And keep engaging in this forum. X

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Hayfa — Tue, 22 May 2018 02:15:24 GMT

Hi funkyzoom,

Well done for finding your way to the forum and welcome! I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing a difficult time. You have received some really good advice here and I encourage you to keep posting and informing us about your progress so that we can keep supporting you, you are definitely not alone in your experiences and it is always good to share in other's perspectives which can be a great source of help to you.

Funkyzoom when I read your posts, your writing indicated to me a clear, eloquent and intelligent person. I think that with a little clarity and support you can get to the good place you are intending, nothing is impossible but everything takes small steps.
Donte' has offered some very valid and good advice about seeking other support networks, have you considered peer support groups? There is much value here, you can talk to people who understand and make new social connections. In reference to your work, have you considered night time work at restaurants...kitchen hand, food delivery driver? This industry is always looking for people willing to work and it's a great way of financially supporting yourself while you consider how you are going to make your next move to a new job or sustain you if you leave your job and start looking for a new one.

Stay true to yourself and not hard on yourself, you are going through a tough time and your mental condition can certainly be exacerbated by life's stressors and difficulties but it won't stay like that if you begin to look at what you would like to see happen to improve your situation.
Have a think about what you want for yourself and then start looking at the possible support services and networks that you can reach out to so that you can begin making a new, fresh reality for yourself. There is plenty of support here at beyondblue to help you.

Hayfa

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Donte — Tue, 22 May 2018 03:45:37 GMT

Hi Funkyzoom,

Just read your reply to PamelaR and I was nodding all along. A few times I smiled. On a couple of ocassions I felt like crying and on a few others laughing. Not at you. But because you sound so familiar to my inner voices.

When you described your workplace I actually thought we might be working in the same company! Maybe sitting at the desk next to each other.

I wonder if the differences in culture and work ethic and standards/expectations etc are creating this dissatisfaction and feeling of not fitting in.

Many workplaces today are precisely like prisons run by control freaks, exactly as you described it.

I have resigned from a couple big organizations (some religious and non-for-profit charity/philanthropic based) precisely because of the inhumane, horrible culture that they had and the micromanagement and controlling issues some superiors displayed.

One thing is for sure: you’re not dumb and clearly you have a great insight into your situation and awareness of the impact on your emotional and mental health.

Your anxiety and fear of becoming unemployed or homeless is very real and valid and legitimate.

You sound like an intelligent bilingual individual with great resilience and have persevered despite the challenges in a new country and you are doing it effectively all alone!

Many people would wish to be able to achieve what you have.

I know that this doesn’t change the way you feel inside and how you view yourself and the world around you. As we are unable to change the external environment we often either remove ourselves from it or adapt and change ourselves to fit in. Neither very desirable options, I know.

The thing is, there are billions in this world. There are always people who accept and love and understand us. Finding them among the crowds is the challenge.

Hope you’ll find some empathetic people in here to make up for the pathetic onesyiu hsbe met out there.

Love chatting with you. X

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

Donte — Tue, 22 May 2018 04:15:20 GMT

Hello funkyzoom,

(wave to PanelaR)

I hope it’s ok that I bud in to this reply to Pamela. I just started reading this thread and the replies and there are some points that scream out to me and would like to have the opportunity to add to the conversation. Most importantly, the inner dialogue that you have with yourself.

Not sure if you already do this but I like to challenge myself at certain times with some of my thought processes. Just to provide me with an alternative notion.

Let’s say as an example that when I feel that some people discriminate against me with their attitudes and words or body language etc just because of my ethnic origin or looks, I remind myself that there’s only one race - the human race. Thus, we are all the same. This thought helps me diffuse the charged feelings and not internalize someone else’s ignorance or prejudice.

When I feel this world is cruel and toxic, I remind myself of the smiles, the positive affirmations, words and gestures etc that I have received through the years and then that feeling dissipitates.

Also, based on your example, I have watched many disabled athletes receiving medals at the paralympics and elsewhere. (Nothing can ever stop us but ourselves). Again, I understand your point and feel like this very often but just challenging the thoughts and creating a dialogue in our minds could help us counteract them.

Nobody is normal. What’s normal to the fly is chaos to the spider and if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will be a total failure. (I think Einstein said that).

Millions live with mental illnesses in Australia so you’re definitely not alone. Everyone in these forums lives with mental illnesses too. We wouldn’t be here otherwise. It may help you to remind yourself of that sometimes.

Your psychologist may be right: this job could be affecting your mental health. It happens all the time. And you may be right: it may be easier if you get fired. If you believe this is the push you need in order to initiate change then don’t worry about taking days off, going to interviews, arrive late, leave early etc. Not only it will help you exit this terrible environment but you may land on another job in the process! And if not, at least you’d be gaining skills and experience in interview techniques.

I have landed on many jobs just because I was the right person for the job and the timing was right. I also, don’t have relatives or many friends/support networks here to help me get a job. X

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funkyzoom — Tue, 22 May 2018 20:37:16 GMT

Thanks Donte.

Wow, your responses are so detailed and informative. Appreciate that!

About a hobby being a profession - that is exactly what I did. My current profession started out as a hobby, over a decade ago. I chose to pursue a degree in it, and eventually got into the industry. I was doing pretty ok, until I happened to be unfortunate enough to get 'trapped' in my current job which destroyed my confidence in my skills and abilities. I need a long break now, for several months, to recuperate and attempt to regain confidence. Until then, there is no point in attempting interviews, I just won't make it due to the anxiety and stress. What I need now is a release from my prison-like job, and a few months of low stress jobs which won't require me to 'think' with my battered brain.

It is commendable to know you are doing fine without a partner. It inspires someone like me, who is doomed to not have a partner at all. The very few relationships I have been in, have all been with abusive, manipulative women. And at this point, I am pretty sure no woman would want to give a chance to a man who isn't good looking, isn't rich, has his career in tatters, is emotionally unstable and belongs to relatively 'inferior' race when there are tons of better men vying for her attention. I have resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a partner, so my situation is in some ways similar to you. So people like you give me hope!

You are not the first person to highlight my supposed achievements. And thinking back, it was pretty hard for me. I arrived in Australia with no job, very little money, no family/friends and no place to stay. And within 2 years, I found myself renting a decent apartment for myself, having a car and a decent amount in savings. But at the end of the day, how does this even matter when every minute is a struggle to live?

My psychologist said the same thing - that I should refuse to do tasks which stress me out, and just wait for my employers to fire me. But it is so hard to develop that sort of attitude. I don't think I should even try for other jobs in my profession now, because that means I'll never get a break I so badly need. I will have to leave here and immediately start the new job.

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funkyzoom — Tue, 22 May 2018 20:49:32 GMT

Hello Hayfa

Thanks for responding to me. These forum has been a very good find for me.

I am a bit clueless about peer support groups for BPD, sine I mostly come across those for anxiety, depression and even bipolar (but not BPD). In my case, anxiety and depression are just symptoms of BPD. I still need to look harder though, haven't looked enough.

I feel really thankful to the wonderful people on these forums who actually take time to give me valid responses and try to help me out. I will continue to post here, and hopefully I will be able to eventually figure out a way to keep fighting to survive in this wretched life.

Pardon me for shorter posts today, feeling quite dreadful about stepping into my horrid workplace in less than an hour from now.

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Donte — Tue, 22 May 2018 22:02:19 GMT

Hello Funkyzoom,

Thank you for replying.

I’m glad you feel hope by reading my story. When we are overwhelmed by our challenging circumstances it can be hard to see the bigger picture. And we often feel we are alone.

This forum can help by sharing your story - which somehow minimizes the impact each time your pain is shared - and chatting with others in similar situations - which minimizes the sense of loneliness that can be overpowering when battling inside your own mind by yourself.

In regards to a hobby turning into a job, I’m glad you’ve already done this in the past. It means you know exactly what I mean and you have tried it and it has worked for many years. In this case, either move into another similar job if the role and the subject matter interests you, but within a better environment and conditions (eg not all dog grooming salons - in my case - are a pleasant environment for me to work at, even if I love dog grooming), or repeat the process but with a different hobby. If you like gym, look at gyms or personal training etc. If it’s video games, look into that industry.

Looking back, you’d have the assurance that it has work for you in the past (from your current experience) and this will motivate you to apply those skills elsewhere knowing that you can do it.

You mentioned the partner challenges. I’d question your perception about women and what they want etc. Not everyone is after career success or beauty or money.

(On a funny note, once someone said: ‘don’t think yourself as an ugly human, look at yourself as a beautiful monkey!) I laughed so hard when I heard this, but to me it highlights the fact that it is all in our perception! (Please don’t take offense to this statement. I’m not intending to be insensitive. I just found it very humorous at the time, and provided me with some release during a stressful, challenging time in the ‘dating’ arena. Haha

Indeed. It’s in the way we see things. Our internal image is seldom equivalent to the external reality that others see.

Society tells us we need to be rich, we need to be beautiful, young, build etc etc. - absolute lies so we can keep spending on products.

I think become more relaxed and carefree at work is a good idea for you to start breaking the ‘prison walls’. Let them do you the favor to dismiss you...meanwhile, enjoy sleeping in, leaving early, doing your thing. You clearly need to end it as in many Regards it has already ended in your mind. You just go through the motions currently.

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Donte — Tue, 22 May 2018 22:39:43 GMT

Hello Funkyzoom,

Hope your day goes as smooth as possible under the circumstances.

I feel stressed to max today also with some issues at work that a colleague has created to undermine me and as of lately it is not very pleasant so I’m taking the day off.

Wondering if you have sick leave or personal leave available and if you could indeed take a break even for a few days. Might help you reflect.

I have also recently disclosed to my manager and HR that I live with depression, anxiety and panic attacks and mood swings so in this way they can’t put blame on me for underachieving as this will be blatant discrimination. Just a thought for you.

If none of the above is applicable to your circumstances then I hope you can at least go out at lunch time for a walk and change of environment and maybe order a nice lunch as a treat to yourself because you are worth it and you deserve it.

Be kind to yourself today and take all the time you need to help yourself enjoy whatever you can while you’re still in that place. X

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funkyzoom — Wed, 23 May 2018 20:04:34 GMT

Thanks for the inspiring words.

Life starts to get more 'bearable' for me as the weekend approaches, knowing that I'll have 2 full days of freedom. Mondays and Tuesdays are the worst, they almost kill me from within. I often have crazy irrational thoughts about killing myself and being 'saved' from tolerating another day of excruciating mental torture at the most toxic workplace I have been in. But I have never acted on these impulses. I doubt that I ever will. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am too scared of death to bring it upon myself.

I am trying to arrange some alternate forms of income as backup. I am in the process of signing up for Uber and Taxify, and also looking out for some part time work. Let me see how that goes. If something works, I can just give my finger to my employers and quit, instead of waiting for them to fire me.

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Donte — Thu, 24 May 2018 21:11:56 GMT

Hello Funkyzoom,

It’s good to know that despite the terrible pressure and dreading to be in that place, firstly, you’re not really planning to harm yourself, and secondly, you are being proactive in seeking alternative options to generate income.

I just resigned last night from a two-day position that I’ve been on for more than a decade. Similar circumstances with you. Politics, bitchiness and backstabbing, pressure and micromanagement that unnecessary creates anxiety and stress.

Only you can make that decision on how long you can tolerate after weighing the pros and cons.

Yes, the weekend is upon us and it’s good when you can get some respite.

I work on the weekends but it’s my grooming job which I thoroughly enjoy and find it therapeutic. It’s very tough, manual, physical work and you have to give it all and concentrate plus work covered in dog hair and dirt but it grounds me, teaches me patience, enhances my wellbeing and brings calm and peace to my soul working with living creatures and connecting with them.

Exhausted, sweaty and stinky, with Dog hair behind my eyeballs, in my ears and mouth, clothes soaked in bath water and dirty as, I collapse at the end of the day with a smile on my face. It rejuvenates me and gives me energy. And the money is half as good as my terrible office job but I don’t care. I would choose this hard labor of love over income any time!

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funkyzoom — Sun, 27 May 2018 11:05:40 GMT

I completely understand the satisfaction you get when you do something you like, even if that doesn't pay well. I am not capable of raising a pet at this point, but I am certainly interested in volunteering to help animals out in any way I can. In fact, I turned vegetarian a decade ago, due to my love for animals.

I want to do so many things. Experience the joys I have been denied all my life. I want to learn some dance form, perhaps get back to singing as a hobby, visit a few countries etc. I want to be happy, and just let go. Unfortunately, my BPD may never allow that. It is always there to remind me how worthless I am. It gets so hard, especially when you are all alone and feel that that world has banished you from being part of the human species.

I wish I had won the genetic lottery, and wasn't born with repulsive looks. I wish I were taller (I am really short by male standards). I wish I had a functional brain which didn't remind me every minute, how utterly unwanted I am to fellow humans. I wish I had the capability to get good education. I wish I were more intelligent. It just kills me from within, knowing that I am just an inferior human being (or rather, my perception of being inferior because I know it is my brain playing tricks on me, and is not really true). I just want to know what it is like to feel like a human for once. An accepted human. A loved human.

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Donte — Sun, 27 May 2018 11:48:39 GMT

Hello Funkyzoom,

It must be exhausting for you feeling the way you do. Draining. I’m sorry to hear how you truly feel about yourself and the world around you.

I haven’t seen a picture of you but I envisage that you may not be as bad as you think you are.

Society puts so many standards up in order to make us feel inadequate so we can buy products and join organizations, gyms, religions etc that promise to fix us, to change us, to make us like everyone else, sanitize us, unify us, make us blend...

This is just consumerism and propaganda. Our beauty has nothing to do with external looks. It’s our spirit that gives us our essence.

When my partner was dying at the age of 39 at intensive care, he was only 33 kilos. I remember him lifting his thin, weak arm up in the air, his skeletal arm, pale and thin and filled with needle bruises and all the tubes from the drips etc, and he’d look at his arm and say ‘We are all beautiful on the inside’. I can’t forget that.

All I wish for you is to accept your own self. To love your self as you are. To be your own benchmark. This is the only thing that matters my friend. X

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Hayfa — Mon, 28 May 2018 05:56:34 GMT

hello funkyzoom,

Donte' has given you such a beautiful and truthful perspective. What I want to say to you is this; you cannot possibly be all these things that you described for yourself, you are an intelligent and resilient person, look at what you have achieved- you travelled across half the world to get here, you are sustaining a living away from your family and making a go of it!
You cannot ever know what people think nor can you influence people's actions, you are only in charge of your own thoughts and actions. When you think of yourself the way you do, others may see a hard-working, beautiful, considerate person.

I am so glad that you have described some of the things that you would like to see happen for yourself such as, learn a new dance form, sing and visit new countries. You need to take one step at a time and all this can become for you, start seeing the hard working, considerate you and not the negative things you described about yourself.
As you progress forward with clarity keep thinking about what you would like to see and slowly make that happen. I know that for me personally, why would I want to be a gorgeous, good looking hunk who possesses a terrible, mean character? Give me the beautiful, caring soul any day!! Acceptance starts from within, what matters is what you think and do and not what you think others think about you.

Keep talking to us here funkyzoom so that we can keep engaging and supporting you, remember this is just a phase you are temporarily going through, things will be different but you have to start working toward changing the way you view things and some of the things happening to you.

Hayfa

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

Donte — Mon, 28 May 2018 09:45:31 GMT

Hi Hayfa & Funkyzoom,

I read somewhere that ‘life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to that.’

I tend to agree the more I think about it.

We may not be able to change some of the things that have happened to us but we are in control of how we choose to respond to these.

In a way, perhaps what happens leads us to learn to control our reactions. Helps us grow up and mature.

Becoming our own benchmark I believe is the ultimate goal that leads to peace and calmness of mind.

I like how you see it as ‘temporary phase’ Hayfa.

One of the things I have learnt in my life is that ‘no matter how good or bad, it will change. It always does.

The Greeks say ‘together with the goddess Athena, make sure you also move your own arms’, and ‘Good things eventuate with lots of hard work’.

Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

funkyzoom — Mon, 28 May 2018 20:09:18 GMT

I could feel a tear trickle down my face as I read about what your partner said. It was touching and painful at the same time, while also being the absolute truth. Yeah I know, this cruel society expects men to be strong, emotionless robots who aren't supposed to cry. But I couldn't really control myself. Your partner seemed to be a really great individual.

About your statement about things changing, I would want to hope that is true. But I am tired of fighting. Especially when results are not forthcoming. You reach a point where you just want to give everything up and wave the white flag in defeat. I just want to take a long break from everything and everyone, but unfortunately my financial situation does not allow that luxury. I just don't know how to get out of this rut, and I am running out of options.

Most of my peers from university (who are around the same age as me) are much more successful than me, both professionally and personally. They have already reached managerial levels, with great jobs while I still struggle as a low level workers. Most of them are also married, some even with kids, and have loving partners to share their lives with. I am not jealous or envious of them, but it hurts that their efforts give them results while mine don't.

I just want to start over. From scratch. Clean slate.