topic Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background in Multicultural experiences

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Mon, 01 Oct 2018 20:03:01 GMT

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting in this forum. I don’t know if it is the right one but I am struggling. I am an Aussie but I am marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background. Has anyone been through this or know of any support groups? I can really use some support.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Peppermintbach — Mon, 01 Oct 2018 20:48:57 GMT

Hi Booklover,

I hope it’s okay for me to extend a warm welcome to you to the Multicultural Experiences forum 🙂 I hope you’re making your way around here okay...

Sorry, I haven’t been in a similar situation personally so I don’t know how much help I will be. But I’ve had various family members in similar situations, largely because most of my extended family (plus my parents) are migrants and some of them have married/dated people from different cultural backgrounds.

One of older cousins (Australian with Asian heritage), for example, is married to a fifth generation Australian woman (British heritage). Sometimes there are cultural differences to navigate. In their case, it’s less to do with them but more to do with their respective parents having different expectations.

Is there anything in particular you are struggling with that you would like to ask? I, plus others, would be very happy to support you as best we can.

kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Mon, 01 Oct 2018 21:23:52 GMT

Hi Pepper,

Thank you very much for your message and for your warm welcome 🙂 What you said about your cousin and his/her parents is accurate in my case too. I am marrying a Lebanese man who grew up here but his parents are being very tough on us. I guess I just wanted some tips/advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How they navigated the views of the parents and their expectations vs their own. His parents don’t recognise western marriage at all.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

james1 — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 06:59:37 GMT

Hello booklover17,

Nice to meet you here. I have been wanting to post something similar for a while.

I am of Chinese background and I am currently in a relationship with a Scottish woman, and (to put it bluntly) have copped a bit of crap from my parents and my family in China. On the flip side, I have also experienced racism from the English mother of an ex of mine, so I guess I've had it from both sides of the relationship.

My own advice, or rather observation, is that in these kinds of relationships, it seems to be more important than ever to first know what -you- want, and second have really good communication with your partner. It can sometimes be really difficult to be honest because we also don't want to create a me vs your parents situation, but I have found when things are left unsaid it just causes a lot of confusion later down the track if there are any issues.

In my current relationship which has been going on for just 1.5 years, I have not spoken to her parents yet as they live in Scotland. She actually asked her mum if she wanted to meet me on Skype, but her mum gave a pretty resounding no. I don't know what to think of that, but I guess I can at least respect her mum's decision to defer that to a later date. In my own culture, that would be really odd, but it is okay to me personally and my partner knows this. If it goes for too long, then I will ask if there's an issue. Otherwise I do not mind for now.

Have you and your partner spoken much about this?

James

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 08:05:14 GMT

Hi James,

Thank you so much for your message. It feels so good to chat to someone that is going through the same situation. I am so sorry your parents are giving you such a hard time amd sorry about your partner’s mum. I hope she changes her mind but if it’s anything like my situation, acceptance from her will be really hard.

My parents thankfully have been supportive since day 1. Unfortunately, my fiancé’s parents are not. They are nice sometimes but then have guilted us into doing a traditional islamic ceremony (in addition to a Western one) and yet have not asked how the wedding planning is going once and have said in no uncertain terms that our wedding (western) doesn’t mean anything to them. It makes me hurt so much and does not make me enjoy my wedding planning (which I so badly want to enjoy).

My partner and I talk about this often, it is communicating with his parents that is the issue. I try to explain how hard this is for me and they say nothing to this. No acknowledgement even.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Hayfa — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 08:53:46 GMT

Hi Booklover17

Welcome to the forum.
I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I am Lebanese but I know this situation very well. My brother married an Australian woman and my sister married an Australian man, their spouses are lovely people but yes, there were problems initially among my family when the desire to marry was communicated.
I am not ashamed to admit that I like my parents was sceptical, please don't think it as racist but there are many reasons for this and it was never personal.

I come from a minority group who were once a heavily persecuted race hence, our beliefs and religious traditions dictate that there should not be any intermarriage so as not to disintegrate the race.
But on another note, there are two important and revered events in Lebanese tradition; birth and marriage, these are a big deal, they can be celebrated OTT with no expense spared! Unfortunately the birth and marriage of boys in the culture are really important being that the Lebanese culture and religion is patriarchal and social reputation is huge also hence the Islamic/Lebanese wedding.

I don't think that your prospective in laws have anything personal against you, it's just the want and need to hold onto identity and culture and that there son can still do that too. After marriage there is still many family obligations and extended family traditions that are part of the life values such as paying respects for deaths within the community, partaking in other traditional events etc.

I had this conversation with my sister-in-law before she married my brother, I wanted her to know what she was in for so that she knew that this is a necessary part of cultural life and that it wouldn't cause her problems in her marriage later on.
It's very easy to say that it doesn't have to be this way and once married you forge your own road with your husband, this is true and justified but you also cannot ignore that it is a different culture with cultural expectations that have come from long traditions both within the country, communities and nucleus family.

What I can tell you that may make things easier is this; you need to have an interest in your future husband's life and his family, you need to say you want to learn more about the culture, food etc. Make it a part of your life also and ask your in-laws for help, be a part of it all and trust me you won't regret it.
When your husband's family see your dedication they will be fine with the relationship.

Hayfa

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Hayfa — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 09:10:29 GMT

Hello again,
apologies for the second post but I exceeded the word limit in my last post.
You say that your prospective in-laws don't seem to care about the western wedding, please don't take this personally.
When my siblings got married it was the same, you need to remember that your in-laws have lived and raised in a different culture, of course they don't get the western wedding idea but I am sure they will still partake and respect it. I hope that you will also love your Islamic wedding and hey, who would be upset at having two special days?

Good luck with it all! Please keep talking to us here so we can support you and know how you are travelling with everything.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Peppermintbach — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 21:18:29 GMT

Hi Booklover (waves to all),

It’s wonderful to hear from you. Thank you so much for writing in again and you’re most welcome...

I hear what you’re saying. The pressure and expectations must feel overwhelming. So I’m extra glad that James and Hayfa have both contributed based on their personal experiences. I’m sure you will find both their posts very helpful.

There’s no pressure but, if you feel like it, please feel free to write in again to let us know how things have been since your latest post 🙂

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

james1 — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 00:30:19 GMT

Hello booklover17,

It is good to hear that your parents are so supportive and that you and your partner are on the same page.

What Hayfa has said about there being further family obligations, but also the opportunity to forge your own path after marriage, is very true I think. Even in my case, I have been talking to my partner and just gently introducing her to various aspects of my culture. Some of these I will want and I consider a part of me, but others are things which she will probably just encounter by being around my family. My suggestion is always to just ask questions if things don't make sense.

For example, what his parents said sounds really quite hurtful but it may have come from something else entirely. Let me give you an example.

When my mum and partner first met, my mum very un-subtly asked my partner about her visa, citizenship and financial situations. It was very interrogative and unfortunately I missed a bit of it. When my partner spoke to me later about it, she was pretty frustrated but I kind of understood what mum was doing. So I explained that, actually, none of that was about my partner at all. It wasn't a test or an attack on character, she just wanted to know, in detail, what her son was getting into because she is very family oriented and believes in no boundaries between family. I think it's taken a little while now, but my partner is slowly getting used to mum's quite intrusive nature.

So yeah, it may be different for your partner's parents, but I think if you have these niggling issues, it can always be helpful just to ask why people say or do the things they do. Sometimes there is a very harmless reason for it, and in other cases, your partner is there to help you. 🙂

James

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:26:33 GMT

Hi Hayfa,

Thank you very much for both your posts. You say your race was persecuted? Perhaps I should read up on the history then. I love history but need to learn more about the history in the Lebanese part of the world. This helps me to understand more, thank you. So it was seen in the past as a threat to the race to marry someone not in the race?

I understand completely what you are saying about learning more about the culture. I guess I would like to be met halfway on this.

I hear what you are saying about not taking their lack of interest in my wedding personally, however, from my perspective it seems they are dictating what they want with no interest in what I want. It is a hard time for me, to come into a different culture like this and plan a wedding and navigate cultural differences. It is just hard.

Thank you for your explanations.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:27:54 GMT

Hi Pepper,

Thank you for your post. I am still very overwhelmed by it all.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:32:02 GMT

Hi James,

Thank you for your post and thank you for the example with your Partner. Two very different cultures there too. I guess it’s a learning experience for both but it is hard to not get upset at certain situations. I think I have to communicate my feelings a little more and state when comments/ things are upsetting.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

quirkywords — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 22:01:21 GMT

Booklover,

Thanks for sharing your story and while I realise it is difficult for you by explaining your experience others will be able to relate to it.

You have received very helpful suggestions from Hayfa, James and Pepper.

I understand how upsetting it is when you feel you are not being listened to .

Sometimes something as simple as asking for recipes can help and show how interested you are in your fiancés culture.

When you get upset with your future in laws is your finance there to act as a go between and help you?

Does your fiancé have any ideas how to make things less upsetting for you ?

Preparing for a wedding can be upsetting at any time as so many emotions are involved.

keep posting here if you want to and let us know how things are going.

Quirky

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Hayfa — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 12:56:00 GMT

Hi Booklover

You are quite right in feeling upset because your fiance's parents seem to be dictating the wedding plans. Are they paying for the wedding?
When my brother wanted to marry his wife, he made it clear that his wife and her family were paying for everything therefore, all plans were made by them.
My father asked if he could arrange for a belly dancer and just an hour or so of Lebanese music. If he and my mum were paying for my brother's wedding then they would have done what your prospective in-laws are doing now. I still think that you deserve a say and should be consulted, are you able to talk to them and ask them if you can input?

I know that this can be frustrating but believe me when I tell you that this is normal in cultural families. It will take time to understand and learn more about the culture, if you are open to it you will learn much. Let your future husband guide you and explain anything you ask him about the culture, be open and honest with your future in laws, try to be involved because this will strengthen family ties. If they knew you were researching and learning about Lebanese culture they would be proud and love you even more.

I am not saying that you need to adopt something new because we all have a unique, different and equally important cultural identity. I am just saying that you chose to be a part of something new and it requires being involved in it. Your in laws have also done the same when they chose to migrate here, their level of acculturation into the western lifestyle will also grow depending on the length of time and their continued stay in Australia. Lebanese culture is also about accepting son's wife as a new daughter to be supported, loved and cherished.

Most Lebanese families will only fully involve themselves in the events and milestones of their children's lives and not actually intervene in their personal lives and marriage. I hope this offers some peace of mind.
I think like with everything in life, if you create opportunities with good intentions then you will have positive and memorable experiences.
Don't dwell too much on who is making the wedding plans since this is the one occasion that they will want to be a part, being that sons and marriage is the thing in the culture. Spend your time planning your future and how you want things to be because this is the part that they will leave to you both.

Keep talking to us here so we know how you are travelling with it all.

Hayfa

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 21:27:57 GMT

Hi Quirky,

Thank you for your post. My fiancé does try and help but it is difficult. They don’t want to listen. It’s hard to talk to them.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 21:30:39 GMT

Hi Hayfa,

We are paying for the wedding. I will try and talk to them. Thank you for your insight.

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

james1 — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 00:52:44 GMT

Hello Booklover17,

I am very glad that Hayfa has responded with insights from Lebanese culture. It is always so helpful to just be able to speak openly about culture. I think that even if we cannot becoming fully part of someone else's culture, we can still be included and immersed in it, and I think this can really help build respect and understanding.

Anyway, I don't think I have much more to add that is helpful advice. Just that I think navigating different cultures, particularly in family settings, is a constant learning experience for you, your partner, and his parents. That's how it is for me and my partner, and I imagine we'll be talking about cultural differences for a fair few years yet. It can be a bit confronting at times, but usually it's just a very eye opening experience.

James

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Hayfa — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 01:08:42 GMT

Hi Booklover

Reflecting on your posts I realise that this is a tricky and sensitive situation you are in. From what you have said, both you and your partner have tried talking to his parents about what you want to plan for your wedding but to no avail.

If you don't mind me asking, does your fiance have a close relationship with his parents? Would it be difficult for him to be firm with them over this? Just how much intervening in the wedding plans are they making? Do you feel they are hijacking the whole planning or are they just insisting on some things?
You said in your earlier post that they are turning it into an Islamic wedding, this is different from a wedding celebration within Lebanese culture because the wedding celebration itself is exactly that; coming together with guests, Lebanese music, dance and food.

An Islamic wedding requires a few extra things before the actual wedding celebration; day activities, religious marriage certificate signing with Imam and celebration. You would have had to convert for this to take place.

What were your plans for your wedding? It would be lovely to hear from you what you had in mind for your special day and perhaps I can guide you on a few ideas on what to talk about with your in-laws that might see a compromise like at my brother's wedding that was a mix of both and it turned out really beautiful.

Hayfa

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

quirkywords — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 02:00:59 GMT

Booklover17

Thanks for keeping touch.

Hayfa has given you insights from the Lebanese culture and helpful ideas from her experience.

I understand how the wedding is important for you the bride and it is also important for the families.

It is as Hayfa says a tricky situation but hopefully will be able work out a balance that suits everyone for the special day.

I am learning so much from this thread.

Quirky

Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

Booklover17 — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 07:53:48 GMT

Hi James,

I agree. I think the best thing to do is always speak openly about culture. Particularly in a multicultural country like Australia. It’s definitely eye-opening.