topic So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation in Multicultural experiences

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

pastapat — Sat, 10 Mar 2018 12:29:40 GMT

Hi, I'm new here. I just need someone to listen and maybe advice. I'm all alone in this country now. I caught my husband cheating with someone online and he moved out. I have no other family here since I moved here to be with him. I feel so hurt and betrayed how he could through away 15 years for someone online that he's never even met.

I feel in limbo. He hasn't filed for a divorce and we see each other sometimes and sometimes he is so sweet and acts like he wants to get back together and then he'll act so hateful and block me and hardly speak to me.

I have no friends here. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety and am being treated for it. I think about going out to meetups and things but without a car and no transport in the evening, it makes it hard to do anything without at least an hour an public transport each way. 😞

I tried going back to my home country last year for a few months and it didn't go that well. I couldn't find work. I'd been gone too long and nobody needed me anymore.

I just wish I knew where to start at rebuilding my life and how long I should wait to see if my husband is coming back or not.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

geoff — Sat, 10 Mar 2018 16:54:30 GMT

Hello Patapat, welcome and very sorry you feel lonely and wondering about your marriage.

Whether your marriage is to be, will decide on whether you want him back or whether he wants to return is the only thing stopping you from moving on.

When he acts hateful you need to know why, because in your last sentence it seems as though you may want him to come back, forgive me if I'm incorrect.

To settle this then perhaps the person you are seeing for your depression could recommend a marriage counsellor so that the two of you can talk this out because being in limbo is what's holding you back. Geoff.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Croix — Sun, 11 Mar 2018 00:49:37 GMT

Dear Pastapat~

I to would like to welcome you here and can understand what a bad situation you are in. You not only have the feelings of betrayal, grief and sadness from the breakup, but the uncertainty of what will happen and also of course the practical difficulties of isolation and separation. Being in a different country will not help in the least either.

I guess the first thing might be to answer your question "how long I should wait to see if my husband is coming back ". Although you might really want things to go back to how they may have been when you were first together I would think it is highly unlikely that will happen. You husband has now proved how unreliable and inconsistent he is and even more importantly does not have any regard for your feelings and welfare.

Dealing with your depression and anxiety by seeking medical support is an excellent move and I'd hope in time that area of your life will improve as a result. Going to meetings and support groups can seem a very daunting thing, and when you put on top the hassle of public transport it may seem all too hard. I'd strongly suggest however it is very worth-while.

Being able to talk to others in similar circumstances has huge benefits. You are not as isolated, you can draw on their experiences and suggestions, and you can make friends. So I'd strongly suggest you do go and see what it is all like.

If I was in your shoes I'd also see if it was possible to have more of a social life, not necessarily dating at the moment, but at least being with others. Are there things you enjoy, such as movies, books, gardening? Any similar activity normally has a local group to interact with.

May I ask if you go to work? Some organizations have social groups, and one can sometimes make friendships there too of course.

I found at one stage a course of study was very beneficial, and in fact led on to new opportunities.

You know you are very welcome here, and should return as often as you would like

Croix

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Coastal — Sun, 11 Mar 2018 01:42:30 GMT

What i am about to say is not excusing at all what your husband has done. I think your husband needs help. He needs to work out why he is being self destructive. What is it he is needing? I'm ashamed to say I went online to chat with men. I have a beautiful husband and life. It was not about him it was about needing to feel needed. Online chat gives you that. Yes it's false but in your fantasyland you are desired and needed by someone. Everything about you is appealing to another. It's a powerful lure for those needing attention and validation. Any relationship that comes from that won't last. The fact that your husband does come back means he wants to live a life with you and is hoping to get what he needs from your marriage. But that won't happen either at this time as his needs are based on his feelings and emotions which can be erratic and irrational.

If you truly love him and want to establish a forever future then i would suggest to seek out a psychologist with him and go with him.

Hang in there. In the meantime try to be with positive people. Maybe even volunteer where u can. This can detract from your own problems.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

pastapat — Sun, 11 Mar 2018 09:24:21 GMT

geoff said:
When he acts hateful you need to know why, because in your last sentence it seems as though you may want him to come back, forgive me if I'm incorrect.

To settle this then perhaps the person you are seeing for your depression could recommend a marriage counsellor so that the two of you can talk this out because being in limbo is what's holding you back. Geoff.

Hi Geoff and thanks for your kind message. Yes, I think I do want him back. I will ask him about marriage counselling even if I don't think he'll do it. Yes, I'm tired of being in limbo.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

pastapat — Sun, 11 Mar 2018 09:29:31 GMT

Croix said:
I guess the first thing might be to answer your question "how long I should wait to see if my husband is coming back ". Although you might really want things to go back to how they may have been when you were first together I would think it is highly unlikely that will happen. You husband has now proved how unreliable and inconsistent he is and even more importantly does not have any regard for your feelings and welfare.

Hi Croix. Thank you for your message. It's true things wouldn't be the same. We're not the same people we were and he's shown he can betray me. I would love to go to some activities if I can find some close by.

I do work full time so that does keep me busy. I'll see about seeking out some activities to start socializing again.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

pastapat — Sun, 11 Mar 2018 09:35:57 GMT

Coastal said:
What i am about to say is not excusing at all what your husband has done. I think your husband needs help. He needs to work out why he is being self destructive. What is it he is needing? I'm ashamed to say I went online to chat with men. I have a beautiful husband and life. It was not about him it was about needing to feel needed. Online chat gives you that. Yes it's false but in your fantasyland you are desired and needed by someone. Everything about you is appealing to another. It's a powerful lure for those needing attention and validation. Any relationship that comes from that won't last. The fact that your husband does come back means he wants to live a life with you and is hoping to get what he needs from your marriage. But that won't happen either at this time as his needs are based on his feelings and emotions which can be erratic and irrational.

If you truly love him and want to establish a forever future then i would suggest to seek out a psychologist with him and go with him.

Hang in there. In the meantime try to be with positive people. Maybe even volunteer where u can. This can detract from your own problems.

Hi Coastal. Thanks for the message. Yes, I do get what you are saying. Unfortunately he always has been the glass is half empty type of person. I don't think he is really missing anything even though he thought he was. He went on social media and saw these "friends" doing all these things and I suppose he felt he was missing out. I hoped he would understand that much of what is posted on social media is exaggeration.

We are still talking. I started visiting him again about once a week and we spend several hours together just talking. I'm working on paying more attention to him and noticing things he does and being respectful towards him.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Donte — Sun, 11 Mar 2018 12:01:36 GMT

Hello pastapat,

I’m so glad you reached out on this online forums. Welcome!

BeyondBlue is a great place to start and the multicultural experiences forum provides with the opportunity to share stories from a culturally and linguistically diverse perspective in relation to mental health and well-being.

Sounds terrible what you’ve been going through at the moment. Fifteen years is a long time and many things can change in this period. Also being in a foreign country and dealing with your loneliness and isolation is tough. Equally hard is when you go back and realize that you are not an asset anymore for your home country.

I’m not in a position to advice you. All I can say is I hear you. Keep talking to us in here for as long as you need to. Communication is a good thing.

Luckily we live in an era where the internet has made the world a much smaller place and you can connect instantly and easily. In the 80s when I arrived in Australia we had to wait 3 week’s for a letter to arrive.

If you feel like chatting privately to a Counsellor then there is this option in this site as well.

Kind thoughts your way X

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Donte — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 00:06:48 GMT

Hello Geoff and Pastapat,

Geoff that's a great recommendation - marriage counselling - provided both partners want to attend and are willing to be open and honest with each other.

Pastapat, there are many benefits you can expect to get from a family counsellor. There are some situations that will force you to seek help, and you need to do it within the shortest time possible.

Attending family counselling sessions will help you and your partner to improve communication and learn how and when to express what you need in the best possible way. This will enhance your relationship and strengthen your existing bond. in return this will help you build your self-esteem. Ultimately your relationship will become a happier one, if you both decide to continue investing in each other.

Being in a relaxed state and at peace is important for both your physical and mental health. Peace comes when people understand each other and willing to do things together as a team. When you feel like there is someone ready to listen to your woes and help you in whatever way they can, then the family enjoys more harmony. It can sometimes be hard for some people to understand their partners, but this can be fixed by having a professional facilitate the process and provide you with more information needed.

If any member of the family has a problem, it is dealt with and will give them peace of mind. Mental and physical health will be improved when each member of the family is willing to help one another. Identifying and dealing with the problem is the most important step you need to take to see this benefit.

The skills you both can develop by visiting a therapist together can assist you building a successful partnership.

There are many changes that will take place over time and through migrating to a new country, and it is important to know how you can cope. When these changes are ignored, they can have a lasting effect on family members. It can be hard trying to cope all by yourself, and this is why it is a good idea to get a professional who will help you and your partner through it all.

With a family counsellor, both of you will get a chance to learn proper communication and be able to relate better and deal with any problem efficiently.

The above mentioned family counselling benefits can hopefully be motivation enough to consider it. X

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Donte — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 00:42:21 GMT

Hello Croix and Pastapat,

Croix you have pinpointed a great support system - support groups.

It is true that the benefits of sharing your story with others who are in a similar boat within a friendly, safe, non-judgemental way is of immense benefit to the individual.

Beyondblue, like many other organizations, offers some amazing supports not only through the online forums but also through one-on-one face to face contacts and groups or telephone communication.

Hope this helps. X

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Donte — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 00:51:38 GMT

Hello Coastal and Pastapat,

Some great advice! And thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's true that when online people only see what we want to show. Communication is only 15% based on words and the rest is non-verbal. When we are online we automatically limit our communication to 15% to start with. Plus, there's the advantage of deleting and editing information before we send the message, thus, our communication is compromised drastically.

The need for validation and having someone to listen to you is indeed a great lure as Coastal has said. However, that need in itself is not enough to base a relationship upon and build the foundations for a lifelong engagement.

Online usage is an addiction like any other and now recognized as an illness. Your husband may need help. Whatever he is trying to escape from is pulling him deeper into an addictive behavior that alienates him from you and others. However, unless he recognizes that he would like to change and ask for help, no one can do anything about it.

The best thing you may be able to do right now Pastapat is to keep busy doing creative, fulfilling things that give you purpose and meaning and surround yourself with other positive people who can support you in your time of need. Self-care is the best gift we can give to ourselves. X

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

pastapat — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 09:59:16 GMT

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me. It really does help not to feel so much alone.

You're right about it taking a long time to adjust to moving here to Australia. After 15 years, and now a citizen, Australia now feels more like home than my birth country.

My husband and I did spend most of Sunday yesterday together and we had a really good time. He's starting to be a little more affectionate towards me with hugs.

He is still talking to the other woman. I try not to let it bother me because it isn't real. Her goal is to get out of her country to either the US or UK or Australia. She's had at least 6 online relationships since she cheated on her first husband and abandoned her kids. It still hurts but I keep reminding myself that she'll never be able to afford to come here and even though she talks about marrying my husband, he has made zero effort to file for a divorce. He's had plenty of time to do it and if he really was serious about his pen pal, he would have already filed long ago and he would have jumped on a plane to her country and meet her.

I want to ask him to stop talking to her but he's stubborn and I don't think it would go over well.

He tried to end it on Valentine's day saying he was thinking about returning to me and she was ranting and carrying on about how could he chose me over her. If she was any type of decent woman at all, she would never be in an affair with a married man and she would have wanted him to completely end his marriage before getting involved.

I'm writing a lot about her this evening. Maybe it is just to remind myself it isn't real and it will end and she'll move on quickly to the next victim.

But then again, in the back of my mind, how do I know this is just a one off mid life crisis thing and that he wouldn't do the same thing to me 5 - 10 years down the road?

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

blueskye — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 13:22:34 GMT

I really hope that beyondblue will hosts get-together events in the future.

I would love to be friends with you! I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I really do.

You're not alone. You reached out to us and we are here for you.

Perhaps, learn how to drive? You can buy second-hand cars for cheap as well if you don't mind something that isn't flash. Once you can drive and have your own car, you will have more freedom. You can join meet-ups or do whatever you want 🙂

My dad cheating on mum after many years of marriage as well. I think my mum was in a similar boat to you. You're strong and worthy of love and everything. Remind him of why you two got married. Marriage /family counseling is a great idea, as pointed out by the others.

I hope you get through this ❤️ ❤️

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Donte — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 13:50:44 GMT

Hello Pastapat,

You are posing some great questions here! It made me think: is an online 'relationship' or 'courtship' or 'flirt' or whatever we want to call it, real? Especially, if the other person involved is in another country with no prospect ever visiting here and meeting face to face and 'consummate' the affair? Is it even cheating? Or is it like porn? Or some other addiction...

Not sure. I had never had online relationships so can't comment on the 'realness' of such a situation. Maybe it's good that you don't mention it and don't let it worry you. Yes, it is immature and something you'd expect from high school kids, however, let's hope that your husband has some sense in him and he can see how impossible this situation is and that it's not going to eventuate in real life.

Maybe he's attracted to the idea that someone finds him irresistible, or pays attention. Who knows? We all need escapism from time to time.

Just remember: You (not her) are really here, with your husband drinking coffee, and chatting, and he indicates that he would like to be intimate with you (not her).

As legitimate as your question is though, the reality is nobody has any guarantees that their partner won't cheat or fall in love with someone else in the future. (It could also happen to you). The beauty of human beings and loving them is the unpredictability and that no matter how long we may be together, we truly really never know another. So, I'd enjoy the now, for we don't know anything about tomorrow and thus there is no purpose in worrying about it.

If you can forgive and forget and deal with the issues with the help of a professional then go ahead, but if you believe there is no salvation for this relationship then maybe it's time to move on...Whatever you decide there is support available for you and you are not alone.

There is also no right or wrong choice, just consequences.

You are the only one to weigh everything up and decide. X

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

pastapat — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 22:12:21 GMT

Hi blueskye and thanks for your kind words. It really does help. I've been thinking about getting a second hand car and wonder if I can find something decent for less than $5000? I had a car before but sold it when I went back to my home country. And you're right, it does give you a lot more freedom even for simple things like going to the shops when you want to.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

pastapat — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 03:21:48 GMT

Hi Donte' and thanks again for your wise words.

You're right about the online "relationship". To me it's not real and something I would expect more from a young teen than people nearing 40. One time when I had a go at her.

To my husband, he acts like this is real and calls me his ex and her his girlfriend.

She claims she is coming here to visit him in a few months but I don't see how that is possible with Australia being so expensive and being very difficult for her to get a visa to come here.

You're also right I'm actually here with him living just a couple km apart. They chat on skype. Obviously not all is perfect with them if they are fighting and close to breaking up before they have even met. I will do my best to focus on living my life and becoming more social so I'm not sitting around being sad and obsessing about things.

When I see that he is more receptive, I will see if he will go to counselling with me.

So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

Donte — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 06:41:53 GMT

That’s truly awesome Pastapat,

It seems you are very aware of the situation and have thought things through pretty well. Your mindfulness will keep you sane during times of emotional turmoil when feelings run rampant.

Take one tiny baby step at a time! X