topic CPTSD - is the way out? in Multicultural experiences

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 00:01:15 GMT

I have been most definitely more lucky in life than unlucky.
My background

Abuse, abandonment, traumas and some horrific fights but had a personality of a fighter, overcomer, driven, achieve and make difference for others. Received years of psych assistance and still depending on a regular contact with a very good and dependable psych. Have a loving and supportive husband, children and 2 special ptsd dogs. 4 years ago I took sabbatical to confront general and mental health issues. 2 years ago I started easing into work activities again but this time setting a new business. I had businesses before but unlike then this time I did not have any time constraints and good financial support = lots of fun. I have overcome suicidal thoughts. This coincided with restoration of my health after years of veganism. I have studied Tai Chi, Reiki, tapping and spirituality with remarkable teachers and expended their teachings taking myself further in knowledge, understanding, practice and experiences. I would love to have a sip of wine or take medication to ease the pain, terror, flashbacks, anxiety and despair but I cannot. Having sense of control is very important to me and I see triumph is in resolving the issues, not applying the Band-Aid. I can make friends easily but I loose them as quickly. Small talk is a hard work for me and I get enjoyment from the subtlest things so too much festivity paralyses me. I am alone which is paradoxically awful and sweet at the same time. I used to believe understanding of abusers would make a significant difference. It doesn’t. I used to think securing apologies from perpetrators would make a difference. It doesn’t. I used to think they punishment would be satisfying. It is not.
The “night terrors”, triggers are always inside me waiting to be released in a crisis situation, take over. I see no way of overprinting the memories and thus altering the chain of reaction – Or addressing it from the other way around effectively. I used to burry myself in work to push this feeling away. It does not go away.
My point
No matter how much effort I put in logical self-argument, thought control and other “tricks of the trade”, I cannot stop, or disarm the low perception of self, my feeling of inadequacy, not belonging, not enough, being ballast to those around me. I feel being somewhat functional is the only outcome one can really hope for CPSTD. But being “functional” of today is more limited than being “functional” of yesterday.

CPTSD - is the way out?

Croix — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 12:51:04 GMT

Dear Vero~

You sound a strong and realistic person and have done an awful lot to improve your condition and regain peace. Everything from Tai Chi to the dogs. Having a husband that loves you - which says as much about you as him. Taking time out as needed and realizing the futility of payback or trying to understand those that hurt you. I have a couple I continue to hate, but only when I think about them, which is blessedly now not often.

I admire you for all you have done and am happy for you that you have the family you do. Please excuse me if I'm not sure I entirely agree with a couple of things you have said though.

I've had PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression for a very long time but have more or less stabilized and over time have found the symptoms, particularly those about past events, have quietened down a very great deal. They are manageable now. A year or so ago another event from the past impacted on me, but I could endure it and now it is unpleasant to think about but does not rule.

I'm saying as time goes on - at least for me - I've felt better about myself, realize I make a contribution and and am more capable than I thought. Please take a pinch of hope from my experience.

The other thing is medications. I've relied upon them and will continue to do so. No side effects and no tolerance issues. I do not see it as a defeat, or a lack in myself to have to take them. They simply are necessary. I'll admit that it took along time to find the right ones, and in the past until I came to this regime they were not satisfactory

I do agree about logic and self-argument, got me nowhere.

Croix

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 23:10:35 GMT

Hi Croix, thank you for your reply. I am very pleased to hear your experiences with ptsd symptoms have stabilised and no longer an issue. Kind of hope for me except what I deal with is interconnected to my sense of self worth on so many fronts. Was it the same for you? I have built my sense of self worth on my professional standing and applied perfection to everything I have done. Standards used to be punishingly high in everything. I have worked very hard to to relax this at home and for the past 4 years I feel comfortable “wasting”my time watching movies. The sense of guilt of ineffective time continues but not as pronounced. I have a profession that is very demanding and has a high level of unpredictability of the results. When things go south and they can in a fraction of a second I am loosing my humanity, sense of self worth and self image. Mentally I can see this is coming from my decision as a 9 years old to raise myself. Schooling and achieving in a public eye was what the 9 years old saw as a way of self-mothering, getting some sense of self worth and being a part of human tribe. I have achieved professionally and in hind side it was bc I have mastered control that delivered desirable results. My job depends on control. There is no way I can relax and ease this approach. This is an example where solution becomes a problem. Try to remove the problem I will end up removing self. My panic attacs, etc are symptoms of deep fear of rejection, mistreatment, abuse, being less. I envy you for the ability to utilise medication. One of the valuable things I have learnt from my psych is to validate and respect my own instinct. This one is very strong on me taking anything else than occasional paracetamol. Alternative could have made it easier but again easier was never a safe option for me. And again behind much of my traumatic experiences is lack of control by other people, some due to alcoholism and medications. Are you there yet?

CPTSD - is the way out?

Croix — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 00:01:56 GMT

Dear Vero~

Am I there yet? If you mean have I recovered then the answer is I've probably got as far as I'm going, but that's OK. If you mean do I understand what you are saying- then yes very much so

Control is a priority and comes out like you in many ways including not drinking. While I'm not advocating medications for all I can only say for me meds is a form of control, I'm dealing with a recalcitrant mind by altering its "chemical?" balance. The same applies to movies, books etc. They are instances of my control prescribing things necessary for balance - still enjoyable but without the aura of selfishness

Please don't think I'm criticizing or even saying what I do would fit anyone else, I only (sometimes) know me. We are all different

I do think your psych is wise to acknowledge the importance of your instincts, from what you say it is why you have reached the place you are at today. I guess it also means when you do something you are validation yourself

I'm probably only suggesting something you already know but I've found the free smartphone app Smiling Mind of benefit. I'm not good (read hopeless) at meditation or mindfulness and this app does steer and concentrate my thoughts away from whatever hassle I'm dealing with - including nightmares. It takes practice and I'm not completely there, but it is a help. The prospect of having it ready for use, knowing it is a help, is a help in itself. Do you have anything like that?

Being in control at home, which maybe part of what you mean by relaxing standards at home (my apologies if I misunderstand) is something I too had to learn. Before I became ill I saw myself as having the brunt of responsibility, something inculcated into me in my youth in a different age. That came to an end when I became incapable. I learned to rely upon my partner as someone at least as strong and capable as I was, and probably more so. It's made for a better less stressful balance now

You asked about building my sense of self worth on my professional standing. A bit ironic realy. Yes as a policeman my whole life revolved around my occupation - it was me. When invalided out the results were to say the least unfortunate:) I have not really learned the lesson and still become what I do, the way I'm built I guess

I've talked an awful lot about me in this post, mainly to try to give little snippets of hope as I regard myself as a success story

What ideas do you have for halting that lessening functionality?

Croix

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 09:18:20 GMT

Hi Croix, thank you for your reply and your candid recollections of your experiences. It helps to hear those snippets.

Also thank you for the suggestions of an app and meditation. I have done a lot of different meditations but at the moment for me they resolve nothing. I stopped using my mobile - interrupts my day and demands attention. However I will keep both options in my mind. I have found this site yesterday and thought to give a go. Reading other people comments and writing actually helps. Until now I felt very isolated in my experiences but now I feel I am actually fitting in with ease. That is a very positive and uplifting feeling. Writing about self allows me to focus on aspects of my life I normally don’t discuss. And reading other people posts provides insides into their solutions. On reflection I am very positively surprised by this format of therapy.

Current crisis is slowly subsiding and I am regaining my dignity again. I know in a few days I will be able to think clearly and review my situation to arrive at some action plan.

CPTSD - is the way out?

Croix — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 10:05:34 GMT

Dear Vero~

For some reason I can't see you as other than dignified. I'm glad you are finding this place of use, it can be unexpected. A feeling of no longer being alone is a great thing. While partners, children and other family can supply love, companionship and care, finding people that have similar experiences, or close enough to speak the same 'language', makes a world of difference.

I noticed before you have two dogs. Do you find their presence a comfort? I find pets are, and also promote activity and exercise.

If you did not mind I would be interested to know what you have found has helped as your life has progressed. While I suspect I have plateaued I'm always hopeful:)

Croix

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 12:40:28 GMT

Hi Croix, good to hear from you again.

Platau is a good place to be. It is a moment of bliss. A bit like the stillness between exhalation and inhalation. This stillness is when chi is assimilated into the body making it stronger. (some traditions see the pause as a moment of perfect balance between inhalation = feminine and exhalation = masculine.)

Getting a dog was hoped to help with the therapy in several ways: provide companionship and counter the trauma of being asked to kill my dog as a child. It turned out to be much more. As I have spent 24/7 with a puppy “glued” to me and watched him grow, I took an immense pleasure seeing how the peaceful, caring and loving environment shaped his character. He emanates calmness, stability, self assurance, dignity. He approaches me in my moments of crisis and create an effective distraction but also a wonderful contrast to my emotional state. He also gets me out walking. He is not an usual assistance dog breed like a Labrador. He is a small bread with a longish life expectancy and a happy outlook. The unexpected downside is I don’t like to part from him and doing so makes me anxious. Second dog, same breed, is only 12 months old and did not get the same training. Sweet but a very different character, needing reassurance a lot. She came from a very big kennel and at older age than the first dog. Resulting it was somewhat more difficult for her to relax, lay on her back, being touched, eat slowly, etc. both dogs are great together and watching them play never gets old.

For me everything in a therapy toolbox has a place but perhaps not all the time. The most essential aspect of recovery was being in a safe and loving environment, being important to someone (although I find very hard to accept I could be important) and despite my vulnerabilities. I had number of psychs over the years, good once accelerated the process for me. The most confronting therapy was recording my monologue about my experiences and then listening to it. This forum is probably one of the most surprising therapy. What was it like for you?

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 23:01:15 GMT

Welcome Vero to this Multicultural experiences forum.

It’s nice to have you here.

Thank you for sharing your story and the challenges as well as the ‘successes’ in living with CPTSD. I’m sure many can relate.

Hopefully it can be somewhat relieving sharing and engaging with others.

You seem to have done so much towards your recovery mindset and that is very encouraging for others in similar situations.

Your statement about ‘functionality’ resonates with me. I always thought as long as I can function I’m doing good. But of course we all know that this is the minimum requirement. It is also about quality of life and health and recovery.

Your closing statement really hit home: ‘But being “functional” of today is more limited than being “functional” of yesterday’. This is such a beautiful way to describe the ‘decline’ which we all experience with age and despite our mental illness.

It is inevitable it seems that life is a constant battle of adjustment and change.

I try to go with the flow as much as I can and other times I just create my own flow, but it’s true: my level of ‘functionslity’ Is not always the same but rather ‘episodic’.

Perhaps the key is in accepting that truth and living accordingly. X

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 23:16:36 GMT

Hi Vero, (and Croix),

I’m delighted to hear that you have found some healing through your dogs.

Indeed, they connect with us and we with them at such a deep and meaningful level. They bring us to the now and ground us and demand our attention to be diverted to whatever is at hand right now.

My dog truly rescued me from a very dark place after loosing my partner five years ago. The new purpose and meaning he has provided me and the amazing lifestyle changes and work adjustments have been only positive.

I don’t know where I’d be in my recovery journey without a dog. X

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 13:34:27 GMT

Hi Croix and Donte,

thank you so much for your replies. I appreciate them greatly.

i have spent past week calming down, reading other posts on the forum and planning on how to move forward. My most recent melt down was unexpected and despite all the work I have done to date. I have decided to focus on resolving this issue: 1) work towards changing my career, 2) have a better understanding of the anatomy of my triggers, and 3) try exposure therapy.

i will keep this thread as a journal. I am regularly seeing a psychologist but I value your comments and insights. Thank you

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 22:36:42 GMT

Changing career

i came to realisation that changing my career maybe be necessary. My nervous system maybe damaged and my attitude towards “me” has changed. I am no longer prepared to sacrifice my time, feet, back and eyesight, and mind to achieve desired work outcome. I set high standards, and feel I am not capable of lowering them. My current profession has limited employability and transferability.

I look at all my studies, practice, volunteering and passion to date. I have pushed and challenged myself to get the best results. The accomplishments felt satisfying at the time but on reflection it was an “empty”, superficial satisfaction. I was chasing validation, recognition and acknowledgement to offset my feeling of being redundant, inadequate and not belonging. I did not see and realise this until now. My work was my crutch, my church, my religion.

somewhat I feel an aggressive discomfort relating to my job now. It is like an old friend has betrayed me, used me, made my life a grotesque spectacle. This career has now a new negative association, reminding me of my personal desperation. I hope I will be able to keep this aversion at bay until I am employable in my new career.

I identified law as a most likely career replacement for it involves no hands on manual skills, good attention to detail, analysis, research and good organisational skills. It offers dependable employability, reasonable pay and different career paths. It answers to my career search conditions for: power, status, flexibility and $.

Power/ protection - my immigrant non English background lent me in too many situations where I was taken advantage or expected to accept being exploited. As a law professional I should be able to safeguard my interests, defend myself if need be and deter against some exploitation.

status - this is a well recognised profession. Despite the usual mediocrity, collusion and other shabby practices I have witnessed, this profession is generally respected. Being part of a well known and respected profession should boost my fragile sense of self worth.

flexibility - not at first but in time I maybe able to work independently. If I get accepted, I will start looking for 1 day a week internship with any legal practice.

$ - money provides for comfortable, less stressful living.

I have placed applications at 2 unis and waiting for offers. Both unis offer the course in trimesters. The next one starts 9 July.

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 22:42:39 GMT

Hi Vero,

It’s great to hear from you again and what a great idea to continue engaging in here as a means of journaling and additional support to your therapies.

This way you can always look back and reflect on the progress and the setbacks. And while doing that, you also help and inspire others!

There is empowerment in sharing our stories.

It seems you’ve got your priorities right and your goals are specific, measurable, adjustable, realistic and time specific. This is truly effective goal setting - you know what you’re shooting for, and your goals seem aligned with your core values.

It is very difficult to set goals if you do not even know what you want or cannot even imagine what you need (which is where most people are at).

You seem to have used your imagination and are able to imagine the many possibilities that would have a positive impact on your health and well-being. And, according to Einstein, imagination is greater than knowledge.

Continue from here, until you have long term and some short term goals, then act, get started as soon as you can.

I do not know what ‘exposure therapy’ is but I will look it up. It sounds like a helpful tool to assist in the recovery mindset. X

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 22:51:55 GMT

Wow Vero!

Well done!

Your insight and level of awareness is truly phenomenal! Imagine stating this at your 'exit interview' when you leave your current position! It is astonishing! beautiful analysis and clarity of who you are, why you are here and the reasons for moving on and where you'd like to be! Excellent stuff!

I have no doubt that you will succeed in your endeavours and needless to say I don't need to say 'good luck'!

Truly inspirational reading!

Thank you X

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 21:10:47 GMT

Hi Donte,

thank you so much for your enthusiasm and encouragement. I appreciate this a lot.

i have not been on the site for a while, trust you are ok.

I’ve approached the career change and the issue of self worth systematically and together. I read a post by someone on the service ptsd thread that he successfully utilised exercise in getting over the “hump”. I thought it maybe worth for me to try it. In the past physical activity was first to get dropped. I have self parented and self imposed discipline “held” me effectively for years. So planning, having schedules may give me some sense of comfort.

I’ve get back to swimming. It forces rhythmic deep breathing. Water soothes. I have noticed this activity being remarkably effective in temporary lessening of anxiety. My thoughts are with counting the laps.
got pt to set me up for a month of easing in exercises. I deeply dislike gym so this is to get me hooked on being there and using the equipment. Although I am awar I would need to continue for at least 90 visits to make a habit.
I continue walking dogs daily.
pressure puncture to charge kidney essence to support adrenals. Sadly chronic life long anxiety “feeds” on that energy. Repeating “safety” mantras does not work. However I have noticed memory of swimming does for a while.
Started on 1 art session daily when possible. A quick 15-20min any and all media, no subject limit. All artworks to date are on one and the same subject. I can see the progression of expression from day one attempting to depict a physical form to now just focusing on emotion.
Spoken to my psych who recommended the writing exercise of recalling moments I am proud of myself. Started ppt, each slide is one experience, planned chronologically to age of 5, 10, 20, etc. Still on up to 5 years old. Noticed a schism. I cannot accept and find hard to acknowledge goodness or value in me but would admire such in others.
My psych was very confronted by the idea of changing career. Departing from a career fueled by passion. Sad but I cannot take this stress anymore. No doubt we will drill this subject at the next session. Fact is I have to resolve the self worth issue no matter what I do. My husband has pointed out to me that perhaps this is a sign of change. I would not let go of this career in the past.
got offers and accepted more commercially focused course. Took 2 subjects only but topics are new and my mind needs to get “re-wired”.

Tired after sleepless night

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 22:26:33 GMT

Wow Vero!

I’m speechless and breathless reading the amount and variety of activities and strategies you’ve implemented in such a short time to self-help.

One cannot say that you’re not trying. You also have the awareness of benefits and the knowledge needed to carry them through.

Keep applying this and remain active until it becomes a routine. Until it is your normality and lifestyle.

Would be good to keep a journal and record successes and setbacks as well as how you feel on day to day basis - physically and mentally/emotionally.

Hope you can also systematically take time off to rest, reflect, relax and rejuvenate and also don’t forget to enjoy and have fun!

You are on a recovery mindset it seems.

We are all here for you anytime you need us. X

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Wed, 11 Jul 2018 21:44:40 GMT

Hi Donte,

thank you for your encouragement and believing in me. I am not sure I do. I am annoyed at my constant anxiety and a profound self doubt. There is a part of me who would put up a fight, endure, strategise and be creative and drive to achieve set goal with single minded focus and determination. And it hurts when another part of me would question everything with the intent to devalue, derail, self belittle.

My psych believes my brain needs to be rewired. Persiving threats outside of me is one thing but seeing myself as a threat to the world is another. Until very recently I had to justify every minute of my exhistence to be productive, contributing, justifying my presence amongst living. It continues to be a wander for me to see people enjoy non productive activities like reading a fiction book. Yes I have tried this about 4 years ago on psych recommendation. Failed miserably. After reading for years for study or work only I had difficulty reading fiction and could not sustain attention. I skimmed through the book looking for facts!!! Now I binge watch tv series while I get on with house work. It is a progress I guess. On the flip side this “must be productive to justify my exhistance” would suit Potter in his Centrelink saga of redefining disability and employability. I just cannot imagine how people with paralysing depression, anxiety and without financial support of their families supposed to manage and negotiate gov bureaucracy.

in rewiring human brain, there was some research recently on the successful use of some psychodellic drug. Any idea how to get to volunteer for such tests?

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 03:20:58 GMT

Hello Vero,

Always nice to hear back from you. Reading your post all I could think of was - ‘be kind to yourself’.

Often it’s not us, it’s our illness speaking. It’s good to be able to recognize those times and reply accordingly.

I take long breaths. Sleep. Walk.

There are times where my anxiety doesn’t let me read a page. Other times I do not leave the house. There are usually some hours or minutes each day where I feel the most productive. I like to utilize these times towards something productive.

For you it may be the reverse. It could be a matter of becoming aware of the moments where you can relax and let yourself enjoy something totally unproductive and then let yourself be. We are human beings not human doings.

When our condition reminds us of our disabilities, it is time to remind it of our abilities!

Anything that we have learn we can also unlearn and relearn. It’s a lifelong process. Enjoy each step. And take your time. X

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 09:38:48 GMT

Hi Vero,

When my anxiety overwhelms me or when my depression drains me to the point that I can't function or do the basics, I make it my goal to do only one thing in each moment.

It is almost impossible to be fully present for the person who sits in front of you, to experience the joy of a wonderful meal, or even to get the most out of an exercise workout when your mind is jumping between two or more things. You miss the satisfaction and joy of the present moment when you aren't focused on it or when you treat the moment as simply a way to get to the next one.

Whenever life starts piling up, and the stress mounts, I find it extraordinarily helpful to take some time and make a short list of the things that are really important. Then I take that list and do one thing at a time to completion until the list is complete.

It's amazing how powerful this skill is in containing the stress and anxiety that often accompanies feeling overwhelmed.

This skill not only helps to manage your own emotions but also is very powerful in building relationships with others.

It is possible to actually miss the experience of your life by being too distracted with multitasking. Sometimes we create so much busyness and activity that we fail to truly engage with what is present. For example, I can remember organizing a dinner party and was so involved in making all the details happen that I wasn't able to really experience the joy of the event.

Life is just like this - many times we are so caught up in all the busyness that we aren't able to be present for the experience.

When we aren't fully present, we can't feel joy.

CPTSD - is the way out?

Vero — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 22:07:23 GMT

Hi Donte,

Good points. Thank you.

my kindness to self is better than what it used to be. Certainly worked hard on this for the past 5 years and I can see things has changed. I have more relaxed attitude. Perhaps because of it I am coming undone, things coming to surface to be adjusted and dealt with. Perhaps it is time to Challange “I’m not good enough” that haunted my whole life. Perhaps I have nothing to prove and I’m good enough or perhaps it is enough I am.

Maybe I don’t need another degree but yet again I don’t put trust in provenance.

It is interesting when you have described disability pushing forth our abilities. Like this. I need to find this ability somewhere. What I have done for years is adopted this copying mechanism that did not resolve anything but get me going. When Stress, deadlines, pressures got too much I would switched to a single focus on a single project and cut everything else out including thoughts. There would be no past, future - I would sublimate all my skills and senses on the project. Now I have an inner resistance - I don’t want to do it anymore.

I like your suggestion about the reminder of things that are really important. Kind of like a gratitude exercise. I will get that going.

CPTSD - is the way out?

Donte — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 22:30:26 GMT

Hi Vero,

You seem to have done a lot of work and improvements in your life to bring you to the point you are now. Don’t despair my friend.

When things get overwhelmingly stressful and you find yourself struggling to function, take a minute to have a look back and you’ll regain your strength as you will be reminded of the hurdles you’ve overcomed and your progress.

I always have to remind myself: ‘I’m aloud.’

No pressure. Give yourself the license to be. Do it in your own pace. It’s all ok. And if you happen to ‘fail’ there’s something to be learned from this. So take the lesson with you and get up and start your next step.

Luckily, we are only competing with ourselves. X