topic Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities. in Multicultural experiences

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Wed, 02 May 2018 06:07:14 GMT

This month is five years since my partner died. Even though it’s been so long ago, some times it feels like yesterday. At other times it feels a hundred years ago.

The family is organizing a get-together dinner on the anniversary and I feel dreadful. I don’t think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to attend but also I’m scared to refuse in case they think I don’t care anymore or that I don’t consider them family nowadays.

Everything reminds me of him.
simple, beloved, everyday things of ours. I drive outside his work and stuck at the lights I find myself unable to move on. Listening to the tunes that we loved, going in the places that we used to hang out. Everything is as it was. But nothing is the same.

The first year I couldn’t function. I hated this city. I didn’t want to be here without him.

All our love used to fill our home, our lives, our hearts. Now I sing alone the songs we both used to sing.

Faces, places, smells, books, films, songs, and words, everything have his name written all over, and the dream is over!
What remains now is memories and sentiments.

Everything reminds me of him
and our closest friends seem all to have moved on.

He was kicked out of home at fifteen and never returned. Cut them all off. Even on his deathbed he didn’t want anything to do with them. I contacted them after his death and met them for the first time at the funeral.

Alone here now, I'm reading the letter he had given me
before we kissed for the first time.

I’m ok. I don’t want you to worry about me. I see a counselor. I’m on antidepressants. I walk and swim and rest. I try to eat well. Have a couple of friends. I take each day as it comes. I have new interests and new work. A daughter whom I love dearly and a dog that has brought me out of the darkest place.

I’m just not the same person anymore. There are certain aspects of us that certain people are able to bring up to the surface. Whoever I used to be with him, because of him, has died with him. And certain aspects of him still live in me. It is very different now. Life has changed.

How do you deal with loss? What’s an appropriate way to express grief in your family? In your culture? In your community? And I’m not only referring to death-related grief but any loss - migration, work, divorce, chronic illness, aging etc all can represent losses that carry grief with them.

Lend me a shoulder to cry on and I’ll lend you mine. X

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 02 May 2018 09:35:30 GMT

I think every situation is different. When my dad died I became full time carer for my mum so was really busy. The business took my mind off things but the added stress had a huge impact on me. I was very close to my dad so really missed him. I tried to focus on the positives. He was free of pain. I'd had a good life with him & had good memories. Trying to remember the good memories helped to cope with the grief. Religious beliefs also helped. I believed we would be together in the next life.

My current situation is very different. My husband has a degenerative condition. Since his diagnosis his condition has deteriorated so most of the things we enjoyed together are now difficult or impossible. My grief is about the loss of our future & the things that matter to us. He is currently in hospital which is hard as it reminds me that things are going downhill fast. He is unlikely to die but quality of life is guaranteed to be lost.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Wed, 02 May 2018 21:21:48 GMT

Hello Elizabeth,

Thank you for joining the discussion. It must be truly horrific to see your husband deteriorating and unable to have control of daily things and maintain his quality of life. You both mourn at the moment, in different ways and for various reasons.

It is undoubtedly a very individual thing, the way we respond to loss and express grief. And each individual responds differently not only to the rest of the population and his/her group and community, but also, different each time they experience loss depending on the connection and significance this person had in their lives.

I read somewhere that moving house or losing your job is as stressful and traumatic for people as losing a loved one. I personally doubt this, and think there’s no comparison. However, I can see how under certain circumstances various individuals would be impacted by the loss in similar ways as if they were faced with a death.

With life-limiting illnesses, when you know there’s no cure and each day brings you closer to the eminent end, you grieve all along - from diagnosis to the actual death; and beyond.

Being a carer is such a tremendously important role and at some levels one that only you can fulfill due to the connection and devotion and love you have. But the time may come where you’ll need additional support and external help, if you aren’t receiving it already. There’s only so much we can do and we get tired and burnt out.

Are there supports you use to assist you in your caring role currently? How do you best deal with your grief on a daily basis? Friends? Family? Counselor? Medications?

In the case of your dad, you have the good memories to draw upon and your faith in an afterlife which is beautiful. But in your current situation, every deterioration in a way takes away the good memories as the current situation requires your full attention. How do you manage to relax? To sleep? To switch off the thoughts but to also plan for the future and keep up with all the practical requirements?

I often wondered what would be worse, to lose a parent or a partner or a child. But as you very well described, it is such an individual thing, depending on your relationship with them and the level of engagement and love.

In terms of mental health and the impact of the loss and the grief that it carries with it, would be good to share traditional ways we were taught and cultural or spiritual notions and beliefs that help us cope, eg faith etc

Take care during this tough time

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sun, 13 May 2018 05:09:48 GMT

It’s already been five years
Since he left me here alone
Seems like it was yesterday
When he told me that he don’t ever want to leave me

And, I have longed to hear his voice
And, I have longed to feel his body
A sea of pain overwhelms me
And I call his name
Even when asleep

It’s already been five years without him,
Who would have thought?
But there is no cure for my pain
I feel like an orphan child
Because my heart is missing him.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sat, 19 May 2018 00:00:21 GMT

Today marks five years since his death. He died at 2pm on Sunday 19 May 2013 in my arms, squeezing my hand tightly and looking deeply into my eyes before the morphine injection put him to sleep for ever.

That look in his eyes I’m unable to forget or interpret. It meant so many things, and I hadn’t seen it before.

Through his death, two weeks before he would have turned forty, new relationships have developed - his Mum, his twin sister, relatives and friends that I had never met while he was alive, they’ve all have become a part of my life, simply because of our connection to him.

The urn that I chose for his cremated remains, which I have next to my pillow the last five years, has an engraved tree on it with branches reaching out, symbolizing to me that through his death, other people have connected with me and he has brought us together.

So, tonight, his twin sister will fly down from interstate and his mum will arrive via Vline from country Victoria and together with other relatives and friends from all over we will get together for a memorial dinner in the city in one of his favorite restaurants. My daughter will be joining me also. That is very special indeed. He was a big part of her life too while she was growing up. She couldn’t handle coming to the hospital when he was in intensive care or attending the funeral or anything his family has organized since his death. She had to mourn in her own way.

It is great support to have her there tonight.

I’m not sure what to feel. I don’t think I’m feeling anything in particular at this stage. Just numb. No emotion. No thoughts. I’m drained. My tears have dried out after all these years.

Im just tormented by weird dreams at times. Vivid dreams, not necessarily nightmares, but often with some element of disturb and mingled with images and events where he has been in as well.

I know it’s my mind processing things still. Five years later. Feels like last night. Feels like a million light years away...Memories. Ideas. Fears. Loss. Sadness. Loneliness. Inability to move on or replace him. Inability to engage. To be interested. To care. To want. To have any desire.

Looking forward I guess to some delicious food and see what happens. Dinner is on!

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Lilly18 — Sat, 19 May 2018 03:52:38 GMT

Hi, so sorry for your loss. Hopefully you can give me some tips to get through. My fiance passed away 1.5 yrs ago age 28, im left with three children under 7 😞

Dank myself stupid, detoxd, now on antidepressants which are not helping. This life truly sucks

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sat, 19 May 2018 15:55:10 GMT

Hello Lilly18,

Thank you for reaching out and welcome to the Multicultural experiences forum.

Thank you for your kind words. Likewise. I am also sorry for your loss. Death is unfathomable. Especially hard to accept in such young age. The last thing anyone imagines at the prime of their life. Kind feels unnatural.

Wish I could make it easier but it’s such an individual journey! Grief morphs into so many diverse ways. There is no right or way to grieve. The loss is vast. There’s nothing that can compare. Nothing.

Sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, apathy etc are all legitimate stages that one goes through. And time doesn’t heal anything. All it does is normalizes the loss. The grief remains in the background and resurfaces unexpectedly and for no particular reason.

Someone once told me, it’s like a rock in the ocean. The water covers it. The waves hide it. But it’s there. Underneath the surface. It’s always there. And when the tide goes in, it becomes visible again.

All I know in the last five years is that nothing has changed but nothing is the same.

Take antidepressants if you need to. Go to bereavement counselling. Create a strong support system around you - Family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, professionals, doctors, counselors etc. Whatever you need to help you.

For me, my daughter forced me to continue living and keep caring for her. I had a duty to her. This gave me purpose and meaning and direction. I also changed jobs. I got a dog! - best thing ever! It forced me to look outside of myself and care for a totally dependent creature. Motivated me to get up each morning. Walk. Talk to people down the street and at the park. Gave me unconditional love, warmth and a living presence that helped me combat loneliness.

Keeping busy helped me to not collapse. Also, living for each day only and concentrating on the now. Breathe. Swim. Sleep. Eat well. Rest. Be kind to yourself. Honor your feelings - cry, scream, laugh etc. you are aloud. You are important. They are not coming back. They live in us. In our memories. That’s all we have - accumulation of memories.

Try to surround yourself with people and things and activities you love. Hope this forum assists you. Hope beyondblue private chat or telephone counseling helps. Hope this webpage and the information it provides supports you.

Please keep engaging. Do it for you. For your children. For your beloved who’s gone. You are not alone! X

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Fri, 01 Jun 2018 13:05:20 GMT

I got in the water for a swim
And I forgot my heart behind
I let my heart to touch the depths
Like the seashell in the sand
And I saw the crowds passing by
With bathers and umbrellas
And all my friends who came and went
But no one found the seashell
Years and ages I swim
Where there’s a love for me to turn to?
The sea ate away the rock
And my island remained alone.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 09:59:51 GMT

Today would have been his birthday.

As I reflect in the last five years since his death I can testify that the death of a loved one is one of the most severe traumas I have encountered (and I have had a good share in my life, from childhood abandonment, sexual abuse, misplacement and migration, divorce, bankruptcy, life-limiting illness etc, to name a few). Of course grief is a natural part of life. Running away from grief postpones sorrow; clinging to grief prolongs pain. Neither leads to healing.

No two people react exactly alike to a loss and there are very significant cultural differences. The most immediate response I felt, - even though I was in the Intensive Care Unit for a whole week and had a clear idea of what was happening, - to his death was shock, numbness, and a sense of disbelief.

Five years later, physical symptoms such as stomach upset, sleep and appetite disturbance and lack of energy are still my reality. Also, I've been more susceptible to illness, nightmares and dreams about him.

I've been through stages of preoccupation with his image, feelings of guilt, hostility, fearfulness, apathy, self-doubt, and emptiness. Loss of exual drive, depressed mood, anger at him for dying, a lack of concentration, and extreme sadness.

My bereavement have caused some changes in family and other relationships and I have been more closed off from others.

What I can say is that in my case what has interfered with 'resolving' my grief has been the avoidance of emotions and overactivity to the point of exhaustion (especially in the first months and year), using alcohol and medications to mask the grief and acting resentful to those who had tried to help.

Now I know that it's more about going through the grief, rather than getting over the loss. By seeing the process through, I hope I have developed personal strengths to cope with other types of loss and difficulties that may arise later in life.

Acceptance of the loss for me means gaining a perspective - a change of self - a new sense of self and what I can do with my life now. What has helped me get to this has been having quiet time alone to think; openly expressing my feelings; saying goodbye in my mind; and trying to focus on what was done for him while he was alive, instead of what 'should have been done' or could have been done.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sun, 10 Jun 2018 10:01:56 GMT

How are you Elizabeth? How's your husband? I've been thinking about you today. X

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sun, 10 Jun 2018 10:19:53 GMT

Hey Lilly18,

Hope you are well. Hope your children are also well. It's not easy is it?

I remember my first shock and disbelief and that numbing effect that I initially felt. Then came the emotional release - crying, sobbing, and sometimes uncontrollable hysteria and rage. My daughter couldn't stand see me like this and desperately wanted me to feel better. Then came the depression and loneliness. It lasted for a very very long time - years - and I felt a sense of loneliness and alienation from others. This is when i stopped believed in God altogether.

Five years later and I still feel physical distress: a feeling of weakness, or that my strength has been drained away. I suffer from digestive upsets, loss of appetite or overeating (my weight goes up and down), high blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, and change in body temperature. Sometimes I get panic attacks, even in my sleep where I wake up screaming and sweating and feeling my heart will pop out of my chest.

I feel very angry towards others and irrational sense of guilt and shame. Often there's a hostility and resentment that I direct outwards and an inability to return to normal routine. Everything seems too hard or impossible. I tend to question the worthwhile of everyone and everything.

Reconciliation can take a long time. Five years later I'm still trying to make adjustments and adapt or take on positive attitudes. I still struggle to adjust to reality. A reality without him around. And without me being whatever I was for him, with him, and because of him...I acknowledge that the loss has occurred and is permanent (I don't believe in life after death), and I know that life goes on without him. This takes on coping with new arrangements and reality. X

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Mon, 11 Jun 2018 08:38:03 GMT

The Greeks say: 'Woe to the one who leaves'...meaning, the rest of us remaining behind will continue living, laughing again and loving etc. but the one who is dead is gone forever...

Some of the things I've learnt during my years of mourning are that if you'd like to offer support to someone who grieves:

Be patient with the griever's story, and allow them to share memories of the lost loved one. This fosters a healthy continuity as the person orients to a changed future.

Use appropriate physical contact, like an arm around the shoulder or a hug, when words fail. Learn to be comfortable with shared silence, rather than chattering away in an attempt to cheer the person up.

Talk about your own losses and how you adapted to them. Although the mourner's coping style may be different from your own, your self-disclosure will help.

Expect future 'rough spots,' with active attempts at coping with difficult feelings and decisions for months following the loss. Be there for the mourner.

Offer specific help and take the initiative to call the mourner. If you also respect the person's privacy, your concrete assistance with the demands of daily living will be appreciated.

Listen more and talk less. Very few people take the time to listen to someone's deepest concerns. Be one of the few. Both you and the mourner are likely to learn as a result.

Open the door to communication. If you aren't sure what to say, ask, 'how are you feeling today?' or 'I've been thinking about you. How is it going?'

Don't say 'You're doing so well.' Allow the mourner to feel without the sense of letting you down. Don't tell them what should or shouldn't do. Don't say 'call me if you need me' - vague offers are meant to be declined and the mourner will pick up the cue that you implicitly hope he or she won't contact you.

Please don't suggest that 'time heals all wounds' - even if wounds heal, the scars remain. Don't delegate helping to others. Your personal presence and concern will make a difference.

Don't say 'I know how you feel', - you don't.

Don't say 'they've gone to a better place' or 'they're watching you from the next room' etc. This only convinces the mourner that you don't care enough to understand. This is not a good time to try and push your beliefs onto the other person.

And finally, do not try to hurry the person through grief by urging them to keep busy, give away the deceased possessions etc. Grief doesn't have a fixed schedule.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 02:59:00 GMT

Thanks Fonte for asking after me. My husband is much better now. Of course there is always the risk of a similar problem & we know he will continue to deteriorate but I need to focus on the positive. I've been away for a break. We had planned ygo together but his illness & injury stopped that. My psych has been encouraging me to go away on my own so I can learn to cope with the guilt associated with doing something so selfish. To keep going without burning out I need the break.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 21:05:52 GMT

Hello Elizabeth,

I’m glad you are experiencing currently a relatively smooth period.

It is often very hard being a carer. It is harder when you know that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel in regards to the prognosis.

Maybe doing something for yourself and taking a break for a bit is a good thing.

Hope you can get some well-deserved break, even if for a while. X

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Lilly18 — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 05:20:48 GMT

Hey donte,

No not doing very well. Iv been putting on the strong cape for so long not that it helped or made me strong.

I feel like a monster I can't control my anger. Most of the time i feel just ok but can easily snap and hurt the ones I love. Not doing well at all. I'l see my doctor im sure she'l say take more meds

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 07:01:28 GMT

Anger is a big part of grief Lily18.

There are so many reasons to feel angry when we lose a loved one. Angry at ourselves, angry at them, angry at everyone around us and even angry about the world and humans in general.

No amount of medications can take away the grief but it could help a bit ease the edginess. It’s ok to feel angry. Don’t feel bad about it and don’t try and fight it.

Some medications also can make us feel very edgy.

Great idea to talk to your doctor. X

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Lilly18 — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 08:33:12 GMT

It's a horrible feeling, im about to sell my house and have just had walls and things fixed, house painted etc, the anger got the better of me holes are back and things broken:(

Sorry just need to vent it out before I can get into see my dr.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 11:52:18 GMT

It's ok. You are aloud. X

It's not easy but in time you will find creative ways to express your anger and release it in a less destructive way. I go for walks and walk for hours on end until I don't feel it anymore. Other times I dance around the house to all my favourite tunes or bake or spend days in the parks and beaches or gardening. Often I paint. I can paint all night without realising what time or day it is.

Being around dogs really calms me down and brings me to the now. So I look after dogs. I walk them, groom them, spend most of my days with them. They help me see things from their eyes and bring me so much calm.

You know yourself more than anyone and your anger is only a symptom. Listen to it. Go with it. See what it tells you. Find ways to release it creatively. Whatever works for you. Feel it. Go with it. And let it go... X

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

Donte — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 23:45:07 GMT

How long is it 'normal' to mourn the loss of a loved one?

My friends and colleagues expected me to be over the death of my partner within a week, two weeks at the most, and a month was going a bit far! A lot of them said to me, 'aren't you over that yet?'

The truth is five years later, I'm not over that yet.

I still see him in my dreams, I still miss him like hell, I still think it was yesterday...

A lot of people just don't understand or don't care. It's like they expect you to be 'just fine' within a week or so after the funeral. And because I am gay some think that I shouldn't be mourning for so long: 'It's not that you were married or that he was your wife', someone said to me recently!

I understand that people need me to be 'okay' because they just don't know how to relate to me if I'm not.

At one point I thought of grief as something time-limited, something that came when someone died, but got 'worked through' in a few months or years in most cases. Now I no longer think that way.

I think it's more accurate to say that death transforms relationships, rather than ending them. What seems necessary for me is not so much distancing from memories of my loved one, but embracing them, and changing the relationship from one based on physical presence to symbolic connection.

The preservation of connection to a vital relationship in the past can give continuity to a life story disrupted by loss, as the survivor undertakes the hard work of inventing a meaningful future.

Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

dave_h — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 23:48:44 GMT

it differs all around the world,but we all beleive in grieving our lose