topic The Love Lost in Sexuality and gender identity

The Love Lost

Violet_Eyes — Sun, 19 Oct 2014 01:12:24 GMT

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site & last week I tried to end my life again, the lack of support I have by my family is frustrating me. They know I'm on medication for my depression but their opinion is I need to harden up! Well I'm a Transexual & have been since obviously knowing as a young child & started HRT when I was 16 with no family support where I had to leave home. Although I can walk around in public without people knowing I'm transexual 99% of the time I still find it hard to deal with my gender. I try explaining to my family how hard life is for me & had been since a child but they don't want to listen to my sad stories. I had to move back to my family because I fractured my ankle & being a full time casual worker I wasn't covered for compensation & couldn't afford to keep my apartment because of it. As much as I appreciate my family letting me stay they don't make me feel all that welcome which over a period of time my frustration has built up, they have told me they don't want me here but they know I have nowhere else to go until I can get back on my feet. Being in this environment is toxic & making me feel more depressed to the point where I have been drinking a lot. I know I shouldn't be mixing my medication with alcohol but If you saw the love lost with my family you would understand. We don't drink at home as we don't like drinking around children but I have snuck the odd bottle of wine in my room which makes me feel bad because I love my nephew & niece but I'm disrespecting their home & family house rules. My family except the kids make me feel unwanted, unloved & unappreciated regardless of all the helpful & kind things I do for them, my drinking has become that bad lately that I'm on a dating site where I meet up with random guys and get drunk & I don't even care because all I want is to get away from my family home.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

The Love Lost

AGrace — Sun, 19 Oct 2014 08:43:11 GMT

Hi Violet Eyes,

Firstly welcome and thank you for being brave enough in reaching out for support and in sharing your experiences with us.

I completely understand what it's like to be part of such an invalidating environment. It's understandable that you are turning to other means to seek comfort and connection.

You mentioned that you are taking medication, are you still seeing a Psychiatrist or Psychologist for professional support? Being so low that you felt the need to make an attempt on your life is usually a signal that you need a complete change of environment and some extra help. I know you mentioned the issue with your ankle as being your reason to move back home, have you considered perhaps an admission to hospital? I know this can be a frightening thought, but I'm wondering if it might be the best place for you at the moment. You will be able to get help with the drinking, extra care while you are unable to work, and an opportunity to get some regular professional care.

I hope that you will get back to us to let us know your thoughts.

I think you need a really big hug right now and for someone to tell you that everything will be ok. So I would like to tell you this and also send you a virtual hug.

AGrace

The Love Lost

Violet_Eyes — Sun, 19 Oct 2014 10:09:05 GMT

Hi AGrace just a quick thank you for your kind support as my network keeps cutting out for some reason atm & this is the 5th post I've tried to send, so once I sort it I will post you back. Hope all is well with you & thank you once again... Violet Eyes 🙂

The Love Lost

Violet_Eyes — Sun, 19 Oct 2014 11:44:22 GMT

Hi AGrace how are you & thanks for the support I really do appreciate it. My episode last week was out of anger which I told the Doctors at the hospital who were considering on admitting me into a Mental Facility which I was like....AS IF! After explaining why I was discharged but saw the beauty in life again. I have made an appointment to see an alcohol & drug support group so that is a start, I don't use recreational drugs but I have been drinking a lot & I really can't explain it except being so unhappy. I feel like I never had a childhood because I was making adult decisions wanting to change my gender & the people I loved the most, being my family, didn't want to know anything about it or help me in anyway. When you know by 5 your different & your making choices at 10 it's hard not to have that support because your to young to even understand it yourself.

But as I mentioned before I started HRT at 16 & even though emotionally I feel like a woman & physically I look like a woman, mentally I'm destroyed because I haven't had a sex change yet & I know that's what depresses me besides other personal factors. I'm glad I found this website, I feel I've found a community that not only can understand those with depression & anxiety but also a LGBT community, I don't feel so alone in the world anymore. Thank you once again for your additional support & welcoming hug so here's a HUGE HUG from Violet Eyes oooo Take care.

The Love Lost

Doolhof — Sun, 19 Oct 2014 21:41:05 GMT

Hi Violet Eyes,

I too would like to welcome you here to Beyond Blue and hope that you soon feel like a part of the community here. We are a family of people who have had their spirits broken now and then, and we help to build each other up again.

I hope you are able to accept the kind words that AGrace has shared with you, and that you do feel cared for over time if you choose to continue corresponding with us all here. Your story could be read by others in a similar situation, so continuing your story, may greatly benefit others as they follow your journey.

AGrace has mentioned hospital as a choice for you, sounds like a good idea to me as well. Do you have plans for where you will live once you leave home? Are you able to return to your job again?

Regarding the family, it is often hard for some families to accept a member whom they feel does not conform to what they think is proper or correct. Some people are not able to think outside of the box so to speak and do not know how to deal with someone who is different from themselves.

I'm not saying that your families reaction to you is correct, it is wonderful they have made it possible for you to return home, but sad at the same time they make you feel so alienated. You mentioned the children accept you for who you are. Children don't hang out with people they are uncomfortable with, so enjoy the children and the love they have to give you.

The alcohol probably isn't doing you any favours, but I can certainly understand your reason for drinking. Try to only drink a little or better still find something else to satisfy yourself besides drinking alcohol.

You have this time of "leisure" forced upon you due to your broken ankle. Can you use this time productively? Can you do something creative, make something, study a subject over the computer, help the children with their homework if they have any. Are there things you have always wanted to try one day, maybe this is that "one day".

I too am thinking of you, I can feel your pain, and hope you will be strong and be able to appreciate the children in the home and have joy from their love. Try to think of your family with feelings of acceptance and forgiveness.

Wishing you well Violet Eyes, from Mrs. Dools

The Love Lost

geoff — Sun, 19 Oct 2014 23:52:55 GMT

dear Violet Eye's, welcome to the site, and it's great that you have two beautiful replies back to you from two of our regular top heavy weights.

There seems to be an enormous hole in our society these days when it comes to people being transexual, so their support is a far long way away, which only means that they seem to be ostracised in the community, but what we have to do is to be able to understand and accept on how you and anyone else feels.

There should never be any particular topic which is taboo here on this site, because no what it is that is upsetting different people should be handled in a caring way, so please I just want to reinforce this to you as it's very important.

The same goes for any professional who is not either capable or willing to counsel someone because of their own particular concern, because yes we all have our little ways of trying to get on with life.

For example as I have OCD then it shouldn't be singled out that this psych won't counsel me, nor that one either, because they believe that it's weird to have such an illness like this, so they don't want anything to do with it, but then that goes against the principle of being a psychologist.

In regard to your drinking alcohol as a means of self medicating, I can't condone you from doing this because I certainly did this for many years myself, however in hindsight I do know the repercussions involved in doing so, but I will let the other wonderful people discuss this with you.

When you want support and understanding from your family and it's not there then their remarks of 'hardening up' is really an insightful way of even beginning to care about you, so this must be very disappointing, but I just want to let you know that we care very much for you, and would like for you to stay in touch with us. Geoff.

The Love Lost

Violet_Eyes — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 11:57:36 GMT

Thank you very much for all your kind support, I'm going to the mental ward tomorrow for an assessment because I tried to suicide last week but I'm fine now. I'm nervous because I don't think I'm crazy just coping with a lifetime of built up frustrations where I feel like I don't belong, I hope you are good & thank you once again 🙂

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

The Love Lost

Violet_Eyes — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 12:22:12 GMT

Hi Geoff how are you, thank you for your time I appreciate all the positive responses I receive as I'm new to this site but feel I have finally found a community that understands not what I'm personally going through but what in general we can relate & are going through. I'm going to a Mental Ward on the Gold Coast where I live for the 1st time because last week I was stupid to try & end my life. I'm kind of scared & curious because it's all new to me but I see it as a positive move to help myself without substance abuse. I'm not a bad person,I've just had a lot of bad things happen. It's no excuse because we have to take responsibility for our own actions but If only you knew my life you would probable understand the fall out that shadowed me down a path of destruction. Thank you Geoff again for your post & positive help I appreciate all the feedback as I finally feel I have a community who I can sincerely relate with. Take Care Violet Eyes ( Rayha )

The Love Lost

Doolhof — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 19:52:20 GMT

Hi Violet Eyes,

Thanks so much for getting back to me, and to all of us here who care for you. I hope the appointment at the Mental Health Ward goes well for you. It may seem a bit daunting at first and a lot of memories will surface as you discuss how you came to reach this point in your life.

I hope the staff there are supportive and understanding and are able to help you and direct you to even more assistance.

A life time of frustrations is hard to deal with all at once, I hope you are able to manage small chunks of your story at a time, and work through the hurt and pain that way, remembering the good times as well.

Always feel welcome to share your story and your journey here. Myself and others will try to help and support you. We all need recognition that we are accepted, loved, cared for and needed. We are all a "family" here, and yo are now a part of it.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

The Love Lost

geoff — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 20:00:30 GMT

dear Violet Eye's, can I suggest very strongly to you, that by feeling fine now is no indication of the severity of your current situation, because in reality I don't believe that you are, but in no way am I saying that you are crazy, your not, no one who has depression is ever crazy, you are just stuck in a dark spot and can't find your way out.

Please depression is a severe illness, we all know this, and you're in a precarious place at the moment, and you need as much help as possible.

All these frustrations that have accumulated over your life time are such a nasty bug which follows you around, and please I implore you to keep in touch with us. L Geoff. x

The Love Lost

Violet_Eyes — Tue, 21 Oct 2014 11:09:51 GMT

Thanks Geoff your such a sweety & yes you are right but I feel so lost in away I can't explain, I won't chat anymore because I'm drunk & won't make sense or think rationally but thank you for your kindness...Rayha x

The Love Lost

Violet_Eyes — Tue, 21 Oct 2014 11:28:17 GMT

Hello :)thank you for your support, It was great I never walked in with a fear factor but more of a curious 1st time attitude. Unfortunately they have decided on going into Rehab which I agreed only on when I knew exactly what I was going to walk into.I know it's for my best interest & well being & I'm looking forward to a new experience of getting myself back. After the assessment my depression, anxiety & alcohol abuse stemmed from finding hard to deal with being a transexual, abuse as a child, no support & other factors...I'm good 🙂 Rayha....Violet Eyes

The Love Lost

Doolhof — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 19:55:36 GMT

Hi Rayha, Violet Eyes,

Congratulations on your courage and determination to help yourself. Going into Rehab may be just what you need at the moment, you will be able to concentrate on yourself and not have the added pressure of feeling like the family are not helping you as much as you need right now.

I hope the staff assist you in all ways to help you understand, accept, recognise and appreciate the person you have become today, and they are able to help you let go of your past hurts.

I'm wishing you a positive new beginning where you can embrace who you are and you can move on with confidence and self esteem.

The road may be a little rocky at times, just put on your heavy duty footwear so to speak and walk over the obstacles that come your way.

For myself I have managed to return to a weekly volunteer group I am involved in, once I was there it felt so good to be a part of the group again! I had not attended for months, so I am going to try hard to get there every week now.

Thinking of you and wishing you well, cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

The Love Lost

geoff — Thu, 23 Oct 2014 00:15:05 GMT

dear Rayha, thanks so much for getting back to us, because it seems to be an enormous hurdle to overcome, but please don't see it as that at the moment, as all of us will help you through this.

You know there have been so many people who are just so desperate for help, to find a way out of the mess that has been caused by others, so it just enhances their problems to a degree that is unbearable, but the help that we offer to them means that they have been able to see the light once again, because that's our job and what we endeavour to do.

There has always been talk about people talking while they are drunk, and yes I have been no different, we know that alcohol is a depressive, however back in the mind of the person does lay some truth in what they have to say, sure it maybe exaggerated and go a bit overboard, but for some reason if you can decipher all the exaggeration there does lay their problem.

Rayha, it means nothing on how you feel sexually, it doesn't bother us at all, what does matter is that you have been rejected, and rejection leads to depression, and hell we all know what depression can do to us, it destroys our life, it alienates us and makes us do something that we wouldn't normally do, such as drink or perhaps go further and consider ending our life.

You now have a list of people who are right beside you, because all of us want to help you, you need support and understanding, so we're here and please we are your friends. Geoff.

The Love Lost

Doolhof — Fri, 24 Oct 2014 21:08:16 GMT

Hi Rahya, Violet Eyes,

Just want to let you know I am thinking of you and hoping you are okay.

Kindest regards, from Mrs. Dools

The Love Lost

geoff — Fri, 24 Oct 2014 22:24:37 GMT

dear Rahya, how are you keeping we would love to hear back from you, because you maybe struggling, and we don't want this to happen, as Mrs. Dools is concerned as well. Geoff.

The Love Lost

Doolhof — Tue, 04 Nov 2014 10:52:45 GMT

Hi Rahya,

It has been some time since you have posted anything. I do so hope you are okay. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and hoping you are safe.

From Mrs. Dools