topic Gender crisis in Sexuality and gender identity

Gender Identity

Ash_music — Thu, 06 Mar 2025 11:42:53 GMT

This chat is for if your having an Identity crisis, or if your having trouble because of your gender

Gender crisis

Ash_music — Thu, 06 Mar 2025 11:47:10 GMT

Hi I'm 13 and I I'm non-binary. I am a coach for gymnastics and I do acrobatics. One of the acro mums have recently reached out to the head coach at your gym. She has complained that I am being inappropriate for telling people my gender. I also draw on my arms with eyeliner as a substitute for self-harm. Apparently this is a problem as well. She says that my drawings are 'to dark' for little kids. I'm not sure what to do. The gym was my only safe space and now I'm not even allowed to talk about stuff there. What should I do?

Re: Gender crisis

indigo22 — Fri, 07 Mar 2025 00:18:01 GMT

Hi Ash_music,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm sorry you are being challenged with this situation, it's not always easy to feel like you fit in if you are different.

You have not said what the head coach's response was, are they supportive of you?

I think it is wonderful that you have found an alternative to hurting yourself using creative drawing with eyeliner. Could you perhaps do this on a part of your body that is not so easily seen as a compromise? We all need our safe space so taking some steps to compromise may help you to keep that safe space for yourself.

I think sometimes we also need to be aware of who we talk to about our more personal aspects, not everyone will understand and we should try to respect the boundaries of others when having those conversations. Are there any groups in your area that might be worth looking into? You might find a group on facebook.

There is also a website that may interest you - qlife.org.au - it would be worth seeing what resources that have to offer.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue the conversation it you wish.

Take care of yourself,

indigo

Re: Gender crisis

Ash_music — Sun, 09 Mar 2025 09:47:37 GMT

thank you indigo. I appreciate the responce

Thank you so much for starting a thread for people to tal...

Sophie_M — Tue, 11 Mar 2025 23:17:35 GMT

Thank you so much for starting a thread for people to talk about this, Ash_music. 💙

Re: Gender Identity

Tilster_42 — Sat, 15 Mar 2025 11:25:43 GMT

Hey everyone. Firstly, thank you for starting this thread mate. Secondly, I think I've been experiencing gender dysphoria, and I don't know what to do. I don't exactly want to discuss this because it's a sensitive topic for me, but it's been three years, and I need help.

So my family found out about my half-hearted attempt at transitioning, and that ended up being one of the worst nights of my life, which I think is part of the reason why I can't bring myself to take that next step. Another reason is probably assuming that my feelings aren't valid because I'm so on and off about it all the time. Some days I'll be dead-set on being girl, other days I would kill to be a guy, and sometimes I want to be neither or both at the same time...? But how can I say I'm a boy because I feel like a boy? Isn't that just reinforcing a gender binary? Because it doesn't matter what gender you are. Anyone can have a butch cut or wear shirts and trousers.

I don't know how to feel right now. I've learnt to dread talking about this and I'm being very vague, but does anybody understand or relate to what I'm feeling?

Re: Gender crisis

sbella02 — Sun, 16 Mar 2025 06:51:30 GMT

Hey Ash_music, thank you so much for starting this thread, what a beautiful and welcoming space. I'm very interested in anything LGBTQIA+, being part of the community myself, so I might have a little insight into your situation.

Sometimes, people hate what they do not understand. Some people tend to have this reaction to queer themes, and unfortunately, arguing or trying to explain ourselves won't do very much in these situations. I've encountered many people like this over the years, and it's frustrating and upsetting to meet somebody with this seemingly unexplained, unwitting disdain for you. Some people are just set in their ways and beliefs, and people are entitled to have boundaries with regards to these.

BUT this doesn't make our identity any less valid. There are people out there who feel the same as you, have felt the same as you, and will welcome you into their spaces with open arms. I think it's great that you have found an identity that you resonate with, not everybody knows who they are or where they fit in at this age. Just know that your identity can be fluid too, and if you ever feel yourself moving through different labels as you grow and develop, that's okay. Your identity is valid at every stage.

I think it's great that you've found a way to express yourself that does not harm you. The eyeliner was always my go-to as well, or I would draw on myself with a dark pen. My drawings tend to be on the darker side, thematically. I invested in a little sketchbook where I could express those darker themes freely and teach myself new artistic techniques for better expression. I also began painting and sculpting (with clay), which are still two of my favourite hobbies now in my adult life. I leaned into creative makeup in my teens as well, which I wouldn't wear at school, but it was always fun creating new looks in my personal time at home.

Having a sketchbook could still be a way of satisfying that urge and expressing yourself creatively - otherwise, as Indigo has said, if you still enjoy drawing on your skin as a medium, it might be worth drawing in slightly different places to avoid that unhelpful judgement from others.

Would you feel comfortable opening up to a school counsellor about how you're feeling at all? Or even any teachers, peers, or loved ones? It may help to be able to talk through things with somebody who can understand your feelings, but is also able to validate and appreciate your identity.

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like. We're here to support you.

Take care, SB

Re: Gender Identity

sbella02 — Sun, 16 Mar 2025 07:04:33 GMT

Tilster_42, thank you for joining this thread, it's great to see people interacting here. I'm sorry to hear that you've been battling with this. I can understand how it would be a sensitive topic as it's such a personal journey, so thank you for opening up to us and sharing your story.

Gender dysphoria, from what I understand, can be a very isolating feeling. It can often be validating to hear the experiences of others who have similar feelings and questions regarding their identity, and you might be able to find people with similar experiences to yourself on places like Reddit and Discord under designated threads. Provided you're being safe when interacting with people in these online spaces, these can be great places if you're seeking answers or potentially talking yourself through labels that you may resonate with.

There are several facets of gender identity that can make gender dysphoria such a difficult feeling to deal with. To boil it down to really digestible components, being comfortable with your outward appearance can be a big contributor to how you're feeling. For instance, if you feel better in traditionally "feminine" clothes like flowing dresses and high heels, you may lean more towards the feminine end of the spectrum. If you're more comfortable wearing suits, cutting your hair short, and large boots, you may feel like you identify more with the "masculine" side.

Keep in mind, these are very stereotypical presentations of gender (gender is a socially constructed ideal that is loosely based on sex but is also highly subject to cultural changes), but they can help orient you if you're struggling to picture where you might fit on the spectrum.

Another thing to keep in mind is that gender is and can be very fluid. One day, you may feel like you fit better on one end of the spectrum than the following day. If you have a Google search into gender fluidity, you may find some interesting resources, depending on whether you feel that you need a label. Some people like to label their feelings, and others feel like this is restrictive and doesn't truly represent where they fit due to the fluidity of their feelings. I like labels, they're nice and concrete to me - I feel like I resonate most strongly with "bisexual", for instance.

I hope this helps, if you need any more support or just want to chat some more, feel free to keep the conversation going.

All the best, SB

Re: Gender crisis

Ash_music — Sun, 16 Mar 2025 08:28:37 GMT

Thank You. I do a lot of painting and drawing on notebooks and I love doing creative makeup

I do a lot of special effects ones using my clay as makeup prosthetics

Re: Gender Identity

Tilster_42 — Sun, 16 Mar 2025 10:07:38 GMT

Hi sBella02, thank you so much for finding the time to reply.

You're right. Gender fluidity is a label that I could comfortably use, but for my situation it still requires physical alteration, which poses the question: is the transition to lessen my discomfort and dysphoria worth the effort and familial judgment?

Maybe I can take that step when I gain independence and start building a life for myself. Maybe then I'll have more freedom to decide who I want to be without worrying what the people close to me might say or do, because no matter how much I try to gaslight myself into believing I'll be fine, my family will not be okay with it (hell, they never were), and I'm young enough to still be under their care for the next few years.

I don't like gender, and I disagree with the boxes it forces us into, however I'm happy for those who have found a label that grants them peace of mind. Like you said, it feels conclusive and solid, granting one the ability to express themself as an individual with an acknowledged place in society. I know how important it can be because I only recently found out I was bisexual, and that was a major turning point for my headspace and self-expression. I just wish I could say the same about my gender.

I'm definitely overcomplicating all this, but if I'm being honest, it feels like I'm drifting, being not completely sold on any gender, but worried that if I drift for too long in that uncertain space, my identity won't be valid. Of course this isn't true, but we are our own worst enemies, and I'm worried that my emotions on this matter will burden me to the point where my feelings cloud my rational thinking, and I do something I'll regret.

You can respond if you want. I'm half venting, half seeking support. What support, I’m not sure, but anyone's input will matter a lot.

Thank you,

Til

Re: Gender Identity

indigo22 — Sun, 16 Mar 2025 11:39:42 GMT

Hi Til,

I am just going to put this here as my opinion as someone who is a heterosexual female, so not part of your community.

To me it is far more important who you are on the inside. If you are an honest, genuine, kind person, you are already streets ahead of the general population. On top of that, we have been living in a patriarchal society for hundreds if not thousands of years, what we need is more people who are in balance with their masculine and feminine qualities. I think you are a perfect fit for that description. Why not just wait a while and allow yourself to grow into the person you are meant to be?

In the meantime, put your attention on who you are on the inside.

Just something to consider,

Take care of yourself,

indigo

Re: Gender Identity

Tilster_42 — Mon, 17 Mar 2025 06:16:16 GMT

Hi indigo22,

I'm gonna be honest with you, when I first read your post, I was annoyed. I was annoyed because I didn't think you understood the burden myself and many other people have and are living with, and that your opinion on my situation didn't mean anything because aside from an ally, you had no concept of what it meant to undergo gender dysphoria.

Rereading your post made me realise that you actually had a very good point, so I'm so sorry for the harsh judgement.

Before your comment, I don't reckon I ever realised that just the notion of being a good, honest human could outweigh my anxiety over dysphoria so much. I guess my focus was so concentrated on my gender that I lost sight on the part of myself that needed to be recognised and nurtured the most.

So thank you so much, Indigo22. I'll tend to who I am on the inside, and allow time to work the rest.

Thx again mate,

Til

Re: Gender Identity

indigo22 — Mon, 17 Mar 2025 07:31:55 GMT

Hi Til,

Thank you for your honesty and thank you for finding a way to break through the barrier and hear the message.

I believe you will grow into an exceptional human being regardless of your gender.

indigo 💜

Re: Gender Identity

sbella02 — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 13:23:07 GMT

Til,

Thank you once again for sharing more of your story with us. I suppose in your situation, you may find comfort in seeking safe ways or safe spaces to express yourself in. Whether this is wearing a small pin to represent the fluidity of your identity, changing an aspect of your appearance in a way that feels subtle but meaningful, or exploring spaces in your local area that might be specific to LGBTQIA+ people with experiences and feelings similar to you, it's up to you to explore what feels right and what feels the safest at this point.

I know that familial struggles, unfortunately, tend to be a common theme among the experiences of many queer and gender diverse people that I know. But what I have observed is that even one person who understands and accepts your identity can be really powerful, regardless of what others in your life may say or think. So long as there is somebody in your life at some point who recognises your struggles and can validate what you're going through (this could be a friend, a loved one, coworker, family member), this kind of support can be impactful.

Your identity is always valid, even if you drift. We as people drift between labels and identities, even outside of queerness or gender diversity. Our thoughts and feelings change depending on who's around us at any given time. Our behaviours change in the same way. We go through many changes as humans, and this can cause us to pause and reflect on our identity and where we believe we fit in in the world.

May I ask, if you're willing and able to answer, what don't you like about the concept of gender? What are some of those thoughts and feelings that have made you question where your identity fits on the gender spectrum?

Re: Gender Identity

Tilster_42 — Thu, 27 Mar 2025 07:31:53 GMT

Hi sbella02,

Broke down a few days ago actually. My mate only had to ask how my day went for me to burst into tears right there in public. She and the rest of my friends looked really worried because I'm not the type to cry, and I wanted to tell her but I didn't want her to share my worries. I think she's the type to carry others burdens, and I don't want to be a burden.

I know I should tell someone though because you're right, it's amazing how validating your experience can become when someone you love recognises and supports your feelings, but I guess being on the fence about my gender has kept me quiet about it, so I don't have that person to relate to or talk about this with, which is partly why I'm oversharing so much (sorry about that btw)

To answer your question, I guess I see gender labels as restricting. There's also the fact that I'm still in high school, so I don't exactly have my head wrapped around who I am, and so do many other kids my age. I haven't found my groove yet, and forcing a label on myself might suppress an open-mind for the future. Another factor is the stereotypes that come with many genders, and feeling like I either have to live up to them or go out of my way to challenge them, and both of those sound exhausting. Being a bisexual feminist is enough for me. (At least it is for now. Cracks are showing *tired laugh*)

Feelings and thoughts that made me question my gender includes hating my long hair one day, and loving it the next, hating dresses for a month, but in that month being a single day where I can't get enough of them, wanting to change my name but worried I'll regret it or what others might say or think, dysphoric feelings when I look at my chest or hips, but the next week wondering why I didn't want them.

Maybe I'm just a really pissed off feminist, I don't know. Maybe I'm just sick of being treated like girls aren't as good as guys. Whatever I'm feeling, it's confusing, and I wish my mind could just tell me what it wants for good.

Thanks for taking the time to respond and ask questions.

Til

Re: Gender Identity

sbella02 — Wed, 16 Apr 2025 03:24:22 GMT

Til,

You can overshare as much as you want - in fact, the BB forums (of all places) are the perfect place TO overshare, especially if you feel that there aren't many people in your life who you can share your identity-related struggles with.

I'm going to use an analogy here, and I hope this helps to articulate my point. Our feelings are much like beach balls - the more that we push them down, the stronger they'll bounce back up. For you, it took one of your friends asking about how your day was going for all of those feelings to come back up in a much stronger way than you intended.

If you're worried about burdening your friend, there are ways to navigate a conversation with her such that you can feel like your feelings are being heard and validated, but also such that you can avoid "burdening" her, so to speak. It may be good to end the conversation on a positive note - schedule in an activity to do together, or tell her about your plans for the weekend, something that can ensure her that you're thinking actively about good things in your future. Not only will this help reduce her worries but these positive reflections can help you to feel better as well.

I also just want to say that, as a friend of people who have been through various different struggles, I would rather be worried and have them talking to me about what they're going through, than be worried and have them be silent, I think their silence would worry me more. If my friends are talking to me, it means that they're processing their feelings on some level, and not letting their emotions build up to a detrimental degree.

That's fairly normal for queer and gender diverse people to feel differently about their appearance and expression at different points throughout their life. Particularly at school-age, where you're still figuring out your identity and future path in general, the added stress of trying to navigate your queer/gender identity can feel so dizzying.

My best advice is to listen to your body at these different points when you're experimenting with your appearance and presentation. If you resonate better with short hair and cutting it is a feasible option for you, you may like to do this - you can always experiment with wigs or extensions (if this is also a feasible option) later if you feel differently. Hair is one of those aspects of our appearance that is so great to experiment with as it grows back. I've done all sorts of different hair cuts and colours over the years. It's fun to change it up. Clothing is similar, in that it is temporary and quite easily changeable. You may like to stock up on dresses and skirts for those times when you're feeling more comfortable with a feminine presentation, but then also stocking up on traditionally male pieces of clothing (cargo pants, tanks, etc.) can help satisfy your need for dressing in a more masculine or androgynous way later on.

If you're an avid reader, you may find comfort in indulging in pieces of feminist and/or queer literature. If you're seeking a really powerful feminist text, The Handmaid's Tale can be a good place to start. Have a bit of a Google search (Reddit can be great for finding good books) if this is something you'd be interested in, and see what you find.

I hope this helps. As always, feel free to keep chatting with us, we're here to support and listen to you.

All the best, SB

Re: Gender Identity

Tilster_42 — Fri, 18 Apr 2025 02:54:34 GMT

Hey SB,

Thank you so much for this, seriously. The beach ball thing really stuck with me. It’s such a good way to explain what happened the other day. I didn’t even realise how much I was holding in until one small question from a friend just brought all those emotions to the surface.

I really appreciate your advice about talking to friends without feeling like I’m dumping too much on them. I hate that feeling of being “too much,” but ending things on a lighter or more forward-looking note makes so much sense. It feels like a way to be honest and still take care of the other person, which is exactly what I want.

Also, thank you for normalizing how confusing it is to deal with all this identity stuff. Some days I feel okay, and others it’s like, who even am I? It’s exhausting. The reminder that hair and clothes aren’t permanent and can be played around with really helps. I forget that I’m allowed to try things and change my mind without it meaning I’ve failed or figured nothing out.

Anyway, this was honestly really grounding to read. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Take care,
Til

Re: Gender Identity

sbella02 — Sun, 27 Apr 2025 13:38:49 GMT

Til, I'm glad to hear that. I had my own beach ball moment the other day, similar to the situation that you described, which hopefully conveys the normalcy of that experience if we haven't had much of an opportunity to explore, unpack or express difficult feelings.

I want to emphasise something you said here: "some days I feel okay, and others it's like, who even am I?"

Back when I was really struggling with my identity and hadn't come out yet, this was a common thought that I had. Exploring your identity is truly a journey that has highs and lows like any other, which is why it can be so meaningful to start this process by changing small (or major) things about our appearance. With me, it's always been about changing my hair, which I mentioned in my last post.

Feel free to keep chatting, or documenting any aspects of your experience here that you wish. I'm here to listen, as always.