topic Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't in Sexuality and gender identity

People assuming I like them even when I don't

Earth Girl — Wed, 12 Oct 2022 18:25:18 GMT

I think I might be bisexual because I like guys and am curious about girls, but a lot of people assume I'm a lesbian and some girls just assume that I like them when it's very often not the case.

I'm shy and socially awkward so it's easy for people to make rumors about me (such as saying I'm a lesbian). Someone even said that I have an "off manliness" about me. 😞 I don't know what it is that I do that makes people think that because some people say I'm really gentle and that's not seen as a "manly" trait.

When I was in year 7, there was a girl there who seemed to think I was gay and that I liked her and I don't know why. I sat next to her once because she was sitting next to the spot where I usually sat. I had literally NO attraction to her though.

I went to this program place for people with mild disabilities and this girl there seemed like she felt uncomfortable around me and so did her sister who sometimes came and they would talk about me. I wasn't even attracted to them at all though, they really were NOT my type. There was another girl there who I wasn't attracted to either, but if I were to be attracted to someone there, it would have been her and she seemed to be fine with me.

Sometimes when I do find a girl kind of attractive/make me a bit confused, they seem to be able to tell and other times they can't. But even when they can tell, they seem to think I'm more attracted to them than I really am and they sometimes seem uncomfortable. I feel kind of bad about this.

And sometimes when I come out as bisexual to someone, they start acting uncomfortable around me, even if I'm not attracted to them at all.

I don't know what to do about all this. Also, do I seem "masculine/manly" to you? I don't know what exactly it is that makes people think that. 😞 Why do some girls assume I like them even when I have no attraction to them at all?

Most days I dress quite girly and my voice usually sounds soft and high.

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

white knight — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 00:20:15 GMT

Hi, welcome

You are really brave being so open even though its an anonymous site, it takes courage.

At a young age we feel compelled to find out where our sexuality lies, who are we? what do we like? how do I get others to know what my sexuality is when I dont know myself? So many questions and that's why we are best to accept ourselves for whatever we are, whatever we like and whatever we dont like.

Eg other people's confusion about what our sexuality is- is essentially their problem not ours. So what if you are not solid in your own identity, the journey in finding it out should be enjoyable and exciting not a case of feeling guilty or under obligation. Your journey is yours, not anyone elses. To own your journey and not feel guilty about it is the way to go. In your age group such pressures are normal but still unacceptable.

The singer Missy Higgins once lived with a woman and when questioned about her sexuality she said "I treat my sexuality as if it's fluid, desires for either sex comes and goes" (paraphrasing). She went on to end up with a guy and had 2 children. That is an example of a free and accepting attitude to her own needs as a fine individual.

So, try not to be confused as to your attraction to anyone of either sex. Be yourself and love yourself. Find friends that share that common outlook and move on from those with no consideration for you as not in the mainstream.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/sexuality-and-gender-identity/lgbtiq-not-conventional-you-are-still-a-jigsaw-piece/m-p/146736/highlight/true#M1981

TonyWK

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

Black_Magic_Dragon_Ball_Z — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 20:12:54 GMT

Hi Earth Girl,

Nice to meet you, by your writing are a strong and independent person even though you might be a little quiet. I had a similar issue when I was your age but I think it was because I am a bit of a Tom Boy. I'm not sure if that's how you see yourself. I always had people think that I was attracted to females because of this reason. I am a people watcher and did have an attraction to them - just not sexually. Remember that because other people label us with something - doesn't necessarily mean they are right. You know who you are - so don't let peer pressure get to you. You don't have to be in a relationship right now, so take the time to discover who you are and find the things that you do like and what makes you tick. I find both males and females attractive in different ways and see beauty in everything. Not everything has to relate to sex though! Lol. Life is sometimes really complicated, even more so when you become an Adult - so enjoy your time as a single young woman. Just being happy with you, exactly how you are and not how people see you to be. If people get the wrong impression, it doesn't matter - you may just be a little boyish like me. Because I like mostly Guy things - But I'm all girl, just not girlish!! Remember to

⭐ LIVE - LOVE - LEARN ⭐

Big hugs and Blessings to you and your family...

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

Earth Girl — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 15:30:45 GMT

Thanks guys. I probably should refer to myself as a women since I'm actually in my late 20's haha. I don't think I'm boyish, but I might come of that way? I'm also a people watcher as I am shy and never broke out of the habit of noticing everything going on. Maybe some people find it strange that I watch them?

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

sbella02 — Sun, 16 Oct 2022 14:23:13 GMT

Hello dearest Earth Girl,

Thank you so much for your bravery in opening up to us, and I echo the welcome of other forum members. I am a bisexual woman, so I feel as if I have a little bit of background into your situation in a sense.

I've learnt to be discerning in who I reveal my sexuality to. I find that most people are receptive, and I have been quite lucky in the sense that I haven't been met with any particularly adverse reactions. In general, some people seem to be comfortable with the idea of somebody of the same sex finding them attractive, and seem people are not, regardless of whether or not the attraction is actually present. If you haven't expressed your attraction to them, it's nothing to feel bad about. People can have their different opinions, and I suppose gauging people's reactions in this way can help us distinguish between whose company we do and do not value.

Whether you present yourself as masculine or feminine is entirely up to you. While I can sit here and say that it's not healthy to worry about what others think, the reality is that humans are social creatures and as a result, we often crave validation or positive attention from others. I know that whether I like it or not, I tend to worry quite a bit about how I am perceived. So I pose the question to you, if you feel that the way you present yourself is important to you, is there a certain way that you would like to be perceived by others? Would you like to be perceived as more feminine, or perhaps androgynous? Would you describe yourself as feminine, and does it make you feel good to have others describe you as feminine?

Just some food for thought.

I hope you can find something within this advice that resonates with you. Please feel free to keep chatting with us if you need, we're here to hear it.

All the best, SB

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

Earth Girl — Tue, 18 Oct 2022 07:52:26 GMT

Hi SB, thank you so much for your reply. 🙂

I've always wanted to be considered as feminine and feel most comfortable being feminine. Is there anything I can do to be more feminine? I feel uncomfortable when people seem like they see me a masculine.

I will definitely take your advice in being careful with who I come out to.

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

sbella02 — Sun, 30 Oct 2022 11:11:29 GMT

Earth Girl,

Well, do you have any inspirations from pop culture? If there's someone I admire, I like looking through various outfits that they've worn and trying to replicate that. If you have somebody whose femininity or style you admire, like a celebrity, public figure, friend, or loved one, you could always try emanating their clothing and see how it makes you feel.

Hope this helps!

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

Earth Girl — Fri, 04 Nov 2022 02:21:22 GMT

I've always loved Taylor Swift who I believe is quite feminine and someone once told me that I kind of remind them of her and they didn't know that I liked her. I'll try to dress more like her maybe.

Thanks again SB. 🙂

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

tmas — Sat, 19 Nov 2022 09:21:51 GMT

Fellow bisexual woman - I believe the only reason I haven't had this problem is because I'm tiny. People only though I was gay when I got a masculine haircut, and that only lasted for a couple months until it had become a bob (more a mullet unfortunately... happens when you grow your hair out). Double blow because gender is pretty fluid for me, and I would sometimes feel masculine or ambivalent but would often be reminded that I still looked "like a girl dressed up as a little boy" - not good for the ego.

The people who have acted weird about it aren't worth your time. They're clearly trying to push you away, don't let it feel like it actually has anything to do with YOU as a person (it's all in THEIR head, maybe the rumours are somewhere in their memory and they aren't bothered grappling with that now that they know you). If they come to their senses and realise you aren't attracted to them, maybe they'll have learnt something. If they make you uncomfortable, just step back a little and they'll either snap out of it or you'll have dodged a bullet.

I posted about this same issue on here too, about feeling fetishised, but as I appear quite feminine it was more the understanding that I was open to advances/inquiry from literally anyone, even straight women who would do the whole "would you kiss me? I'm straight so find it gross, but if you're attracted to me I'm validated without feeling unsafe with a strange man whose attraction I might be pressured to act on" which is also understandable but made me very uncomfortable. Misogyny lives on. People gonna people, and the right people will see through all of the assumptions - I met a (very straight) guy while I had my boy cut and we're still grossly in love, he doesn't care I'm bi but loves that it's a part of me. He admitted I looked boyish when we met, until we had a conversation for the first time and saw me beyond face value.

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

Earth Girl — Fri, 09 Dec 2022 10:41:17 GMT

Yeah, I guess I shouldn't worry about the people who worry about it. People can be really silly. Thanks. 🙂

I was just wondering what you mean about feeling fetishised? Because as far as I know, people aren't doing that to me? Maybe they are?

Also, could you please explain to me what exactly misogyny means because after I got bullied over this rumor, I started doing impressions of people bullying me to try to get them to see how it was making me feel and how hurtful it was and now they are acting like I'm the mean one because they thought I was being serious and that I wasn't doing impressions of THEM and now they say all sorts of things about me. I was in a store and I heard the woman who went to my school say to her team mate that she hated me because I was misogynist which I don't see how I am. A lot of people actually act that way towards me.

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

tmas — Sat, 10 Dec 2022 09:33:54 GMT

You don't have to be feeling the same things as I am, or maybe not in the same vocabulary.

When I say fetishised, I mean people who take a particular/uncomfortable amount of interest in my bisexuality or sexuality in general (personally, this tends to be people assuming I'm hyper sexual, especially straight women who will hit on me or repeatedly touch me suggestively then immediately say "but I'd never do that, it's gross/I'm straight"). It's really a feeling that people are interacting with the idea of my sexuality and their own assumptions, without regard to me as a person, or my boundaries.

Misogyny is defined as a contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women. For example, in queer theory, homophobia against gay men could historically be seen as a contempt for "feminine qualities embodied by men" (I'm sure you realise this is absurd, gay men are not by default "feminine" because they are attracted to other men, but historically it was seen as self-debasing to act feminine as a man). I had an interesting conversation with two trans people, one a woman and one a man, and they personally noted that trans women (or non-conforming AMAB people) cop a disproportionate amount of abuse, and this is an extension of misogyny.

I've also been accused of misogyny, by people who were just throwing big words around in the hopes of hurting me while still playing the victim.

It sounds like you're surrounded by quite mean and insecure people right now, do you have people who are kind or supportive? Those people are worth far more energy than the people who would call you a misogynist behind your back. If they're rude to you and then they make themselves out as the one being hurt when you highlight how they hurt you, they clearly aren't treating you well enough to continue interacting with. Time to demote these people to a level of acquaintance where their remarks are no longer personal.

Re: People assuming I like them even when I don't

Earth Girl — Sun, 11 Dec 2022 22:07:08 GMT

I'm sorry people do that to you. It's very inappropriate for them to touch you and things like that.

People I know act like I'm gross because of my sexuality and act like it's wrong and make jokes about it. They also get mad when they THINK that I like them.

I agree that you shouldn't just assume if someone is feminine or masculine based on their sexuality - people do this to me. They see me as masculine because they think I'm a lesbian and they call me a man.

I don't think I'm misogynistic because I don't think woman are inferior. In fact, I use to act like us women were better than men and I think this is because my Dad use to bully me a lot and since I'm shy, I didn't really know any other men very well because I only have sisters and no brothers. (I now see men as equal to us now though).

I actually think the woman who was working in the shop might have been a bit misogynistic herself because she bullies me about my sexuality and acts like I'm a man practically.

I'm not friends with any of these mean people, I just recognize them from school and they're still bullying me even though we are in our late 20's now. I don't associate with any of them. I have trouble making friends, but I'm going to keep trying to make some really nice ones.