topic conflicted in Sexuality and gender identity

conflicted

Kara01 — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 01:03:27 GMT

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

conflicted

Sophie_M — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 01:29:00 GMT

Hi Kara01,

We are so sorry to hear that you are stuggling at the moment, it sounds like you are going through some really tough experiences with your relationships and identity. We want to thank you for coming and sharing your story on the forums, it is a really brave step to take.

We think it could be useful for you to talk to someone about how you are feeling and so we have a few great resources for you to check out below. There are phonelines + web chat services so you can choose what feels best for you. You can also have a look around the forums and join discussions with others if you feel comfortable.

Phonelines
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
QLife 1800 184 527
Lifeline 13 11 14

Webchat
BeyondBlue (1pm - Midnight) https://online.beyondblue.org.au/Webmodules/chat/InitialInformation.aspx
QLife (3pm - Midnight)
https://qlife.org.au/resources/chat
Lifeline (7pm - Midnight)
https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Thank you again Kara01 for coming to the forums for support. Please feel free to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable - you are always welcome.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

conflicted

Kara01 — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 01:50:16 GMT

Thank you Sophie for your kind reassuring words I will look into these options the only issue I have at the moment is being able to make contact to discuss my situation as I don't won't my wife to find out just yet as I am terrified what it would do her as I don't think her or my family will be very understanding of how I have felt all of my life.

I will just have to wait until an opportunity occurs to allow me the time to make contact when I am allow.

conflicted

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 03:38:27 GMT

Hi there

I wonder whether you could also google how to have the conversation? I imagine there would be some resources out there. Just remember to delete your browser history. Also suggest there are probably some support groups you could connect with when the time comes.

All the best, Katy

conflicted

Kara01 — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 03:48:01 GMT

Thanks for the suggestion Katy I will definitely look at all options to try and minimise the pain that this will cause.

She's a good person and i just want to try and make it as least painful as possible for her.

I am thinking of starting a conversation with family doctor and see what happens from there.

conflicted

Sophie_M — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 03:51:58 GMT

Hi Kara01,

A discussion with your doctor is a wonderful place to begin as well. Congratulations on beginning this journey and thank you again for being brave enough to share this experience on the forums. Please remember to check back in with how you are going if you feel comfortable doing so.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

conflicted

Kara01 — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 21:10:46 GMT

Well I have made the appointment to see my family doctor in a couple of weeks so I have taken the first step on this journey but unfortunately my anxiety has now gone through the roof as I wait for the date to roll around.

Trying to keep occupied to keep my mind off things but having a hard time to stay focused at work.

I am trying keep stress levels down but every time a look at my wife I feel like I am about to betray her and destroy 39 years of marriage I feel I am being selfish with what I am doing but my mental health is damaged badly from years and years of denial and suppressing my true self I have always been Kara inside even if not on the outside.

I have started looking at pictures on the internet of women my age just try to imagine how I would look after my transition.

I have a female family member who I might reach out to after seeing my doctor as she has a bi-sexual daughter and talk to her as I need to find some support some where to talk this out before I proceed further.

conflicted

Helarctus — Wed, 21 Apr 2021 03:14:53 GMT

Hello Kara01,

It sounds like you have already given your approach to your family a lot of thought, you have already described how you have always felt, that you love and appreciate your spouse and all your family. That this isn't about trying to hurt anyone else, this is something that is true about who you are and you feel you are finally ready in yourself to accept and become physically that person.

Your friends and family are exactly that, it has taken you a while to get your head and heart around who you are. When you talk with them let them take some time to process and understand that the person isn't changing, just the shell, like changing from a pair of jeans to a skirt.

Establishing some connections within the support communities and your doctor will also help as there will be other people with very similar stories about their life experiences.

You can be concerned about the your family, that is part of loving them, but they love you as well and staying in your current form is damaging you.

I hope this has helped.

Helarctus.

conflicted

Kara01 — Wed, 21 Apr 2021 03:30:00 GMT

Thank you Helarctus for your kind words of support this has been a very troubling time for me and hearing other voices of support make me feel much better. I know that this journey won't be an easy one as there will be many bumps along the way and hopefully with the right people around me to provide support and help me get through this so I can come out the other side who I have always felt I was inside.

I hope I don't loose too many people from my life but I know there some who won't support my decision and that will be their loss not mine.

I think of this like being in a car crash and being physically scared no one would stop loving because of how I look but there will be those who can't accept the physical change, but who I am in essence remains unchanged.

It's just another layer of who I am and of who I need to be.

conflicted

Helarctus — Wed, 21 Apr 2021 03:37:57 GMT

Hello Kara01,

You are right, if some people are not able to process the change and they choose to separate themselves that will be their loss as you move on to become a happier and healthier you.

Regards,

Helarctus

conflicted

Jo8049 — Wed, 21 Apr 2021 09:34:39 GMT

Hi Kara , it is a huge move just to post let alone bare your soul . Welcome . Everyone here cares and although we have different journeys there are many parallels . Have a double appointment with your doctor and be quite honest to . You need to feel comfortable for this appointment . By reading on the forums as much as you can find what appears relevant for you there will be many bits you can join together that will help .

I hope this helps , it feels like it but you are not alone.

Jo W

conflicted

Kara01 — Wed, 21 Apr 2021 17:36:45 GMT

Thanks Jo, it was a beginning to start to post here as I have never shared my inner thoughts with anyone before I have booked a double appointment with my doctor so I don't feel rushed I am going to be open and honest with her as I a need to talk face to face with someone in a non threatening environment.

I am hoping that this will get my journey to true happiness underway. I know that it's not going to be easy but I have to start somewhere.

I am not ready just yet to reach out to any support groups as my concerns are about what affect this is going to have on my relationship with my wife.

I am sure that there is going to be a lot of anger towards me and a lot of hurtful things will be said once the discussion has been had.

I just don't know how to start the conversation and whats the best way to approach it.

I don't know if it would be wrong to reach out to a female member of my family first before I speak with her as she may feel betrayed by this person as they have a long association.

I think one of biggest issues will be with my children as I don't think that they will be very understanding of how I have felt all of my life.

I think they will be very supportive of their mother and stand with her no matter what happens.

I also have a elderly mother who I will need to have the conversation with and I am not very sure what her reaction will be but if she doesn't support me or understand my mental health issues I don't know what I will do.

conflicted

Jo8049 — Wed, 21 Apr 2021 21:05:09 GMT

Hi Kara , I was terrified when Jo was born ( a huge event , took a whole day ) I live alone with a little dog so that part was easy . Had Gender dysphoria since first memories . Am quite old now . Struggled all my life with mental health due to dysphoria and other things .

Although there are many differences in our journeys , I found reactions of people around me were very different from what I expected . Specially in the medical field .

I was absolutely terrified for the first appointment and it went so well . At that stage I was all old me .

This has been my experience though but the true self is the important one here and I guess that you know that anyway .

Take care and time . You can track some of my journey in chats I have in the transcendent rainbow cafe .

Jo W

conflicted

Kara01 — Wed, 21 Apr 2021 23:43:05 GMT

Thanks Jo for your kind words, I had always known that I was different as from an early age I always want to play with dolls and do dress ups which later became crossdressing.

I only found out recently what Gender dysphoria was and it cleared up so many unanswered questions and also created a lot more.

I have managed to suppress my inner self for so long until the other day and it just hit me that I have been living a lie for most of my life.

I just couldn't go on any longer lying to everyone and most all lying to myself.

I am hopeful that my appointment with my doctor will help me to start my journey as it's getting harder everyday to pretend that everything is okay at home and at work and I just need another voice and set of ears to hear how much pain I have been in for most of my life.

The support I have received has been wonderful and appreciate all of the kind words and advice I have received here.

I have never had an opportunity to discuss my issues as there hasn't been anyone in my life that I felt I could trust with my deepest secrets.

conflicted

Jo8049 — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 01:01:45 GMT

Hi Kara , Jo's birth ( not quite right terminology but it will do ) was early December 20 . I am quite old . I was lucky as it was an event of magnitude that could not be overlooked or mistrusted . I had one regret though , that it didn't happen many decades earlier . As it turns out ( for me ) the reason was I simply was not quite ready . I had a permanent struggle like you . It sounds like there are many parallels in our journeys . Rather than living a lie I view it as doing my apprenticeship . It seems to, that things progress to slowly at times ( frustrating ) but I have learned now to let the journey work that out ( seems to work for me ). Since December 20 I have not had to swim against the current for one minute . There have been so many surprises ( all good so far ).

Take care and I do hope so very much that between you and your doctor you can keep your wife by your side and thoroughly enjoy this together .

Jo W

conflicted

Kara01 — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 05:43:02 GMT

Thanks for sharing some of yourself I just feel a little bit better each time that I speak to someone here.

We do seem to have some things in common as I am in my early 60's so a lot of water has gone under the bridge between the two of us.

I am hoping that after the anger has subsided that maybe my relationship with my wife can continue though it be a different one.

I am fortunate that I don't need to be concerned about intimacy issue as my wife lost interest a long time ago at first I thought it was me so I quit smoking and lost weight hoping that this make a difference but it didn't so we are more companions and friends.

conflicted

CalmCat — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 07:04:47 GMT

Hi Kara01,

I've just read all of this forums messages, you sound like one brave and courageous person.

I'm so happy to hear after all your personal growth and change that you and your wife are still companions and friends.

There are so many support groups out there, especially on the app MeetUp and some facebook groups where you can connect with people in the same boat as you.

All the best, you sounds like such an amazing warrior!

Regards,

conflicted

Kara01 — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 17:25:33 GMT

Hi CC thanks for your lovely words of support.

I hope that I haven't mislead you with my last post regarding the relationship with my wife.

Unfortunately we haven't had the conversation yet about my transitioning to a woman as my first appointment to discuss this with my family doctor isn't until the 1st pf May.

I terrified about what her reaction will be as my expectation is that there will be a lot of hurt and anger towards me.

My biggest fear is that she might ask me to leave I am trying to put together a emergency back up plan if this does happen.

I am praying that this doesn't happen as I still love her but I am just going to have try to understand her side as much as she needs to understand the amount of pain that I have been in for most of my life.

The other issue that concerns me is how this affect work situation as it's a very blokey work environment.

I guess I will test out their HR policies around bullying and discrimination in the work place as my physical appearance will have nothing to do with my ability to do my job.

Stay well and hopefully we can chat again in the future.

conflicted

Kara01 — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 17:44:11 GMT

Hi Jo I hope all is well in your world this morning.

I was wondering that maybe in the future we would keep in contact as read some of your threads at the rainbow cafe and I hopeful that when I start my treatment and begin my journey that you might be able to give my some insight about the physical and emotional changes that you went through.

I had a bit of a breakdown at work yesterday as I was reading through our HR policies about discrimination to see if they had covered my up coming situation.

When I read that it did I just broke down crying and had to go outside as I thought I was going to faint as I just felt so overwhelmed with emotion and maybe a sense of relief that they had covered gender identity.

I will understand that if this information is to personnel share as we all need to feel safe when sharing intimate information about ourselves.

Hope you have a great weekend as I am off to Tasmania tomorrow morning for the AFL game in Launceston on Anzac Day.

conflicted

Jo8049 — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 19:51:04 GMT

Couldra , firstly your very welcome to join in on the TRC thread . You will need an empathetic ear for this first bit of the journey . We are here for that .

I am very aware of the energy you will use in the next few months and beyond that to I guess . Monitor your energy closely . Some degree of exhaustion will be present and that is not helpful . ( I burst into tears a lot , however I always have ). I have BB help number in phone book . Not had to use it but have come close .

Am 69 in September , and as you know from cafe live in a remote area . Also work as contractor in a very blokey industry . Interestingly I had pruned my customers down to 3 . One is local and I have worked through covid with him and all is good there but I have to tell him now ( been to wet to work for a while . Ground still wet underneath . To soft for D 10's ) as I have changed presentation . ie : lesbian haircut ear studs etc . Have been stressing over going back to work and out of the blue one of the three customers rang last Saturday and we had a chat about working again ( told all customers at end of 19 was having a nervous breakdown and would call when and if I was over it ) then near the end of that chat I told him about Jo . He said is that all , my grand daughter is trans , he immediately addressed me as Jo and we had a lovely chat . Blew me away .

I have a 3 point plan for transition on the phone and a picture of a trans lady I once met ( at a meeting ) and when I started seeing doctors I could pull the phone out and show them . The picture is the benchmark . ( to old to be that beautiful , but sure I can be very elegant though ).

Ask doctor if you can see a psychologist to . I have been since early 2020 . That needs to be very comfortable so as I have heard you may have to shop around .

I feel your anxiety . Am with you . When I get up at stupido'clock every morning I look straight into a mirror ( glued to wall ) and always there is a grin and I say morning Jo . mmm

Could never do that before . Totally different look to pre Jo . Maybe I might achieve beautiful ? Psyche thinks so . We will see .

Was going to do stealth . Celebrate not hide for me . Plan is live in the middle of the spectrum .

You tube , Luka "The Gender Code"

ABC " Call Me Care "

Lol and hugs if needed from the never never .

Jo W