topic My children's father is transgender in Sexuality and gender identity

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Sun, 16 Jun 2019 10:37:41 GMT

My ex husband of 6 mths has not told our children ( twin boys 20 and a daughter 15 ) that he is transgender and has started to transition to a women.

I have struggled big time with it and have started to see a psychologist which has helped.

He has agreed to tell the kids with his psychologist and me. I have no idea how the kids will react they are good respectful kids but I feel they have no idea this is coming ....I didn't when he told me... I was totally blindsided.

Is there any support grps for children with a transgender parent.

( Before anyone comments on me using the words husband and he ... I am not ready to change over just yet )

Thanks

My children's father is transgender

MsPurple — Sun, 16 Jun 2019 11:15:48 GMT

HI Bunjil and welcome to the forums

I know it can be hard to deal the a drastic change such as a transition. It sounds like you are trying to be supportive even when devastated by the end in marriage and feeling like you are losing the person you used to know. It can take a while to adjust. Remember their heart is the same, just how they want to identify and appear will change (align to how they feel inside). I think you are taking the right steps for yourself and trying to make sure your kids are ok with their parent transitioning.

Changing pronouns can take a while. I know you want to be respectful, but at the same time you are conflicted because changing the pronoun means saying the other person (your ex-husband) is now gone (and will now be more of an ex-partner) We are all human and we all make mistakes and sometimes prouns can take some time to adjust. It maybe easier to try use gender neutral pronouns such as 'they' and 'them'.

I'm not too sure if there are support groups for families with a member transitioning. I did find this useful link from the Queensland government. There are more references on groups they can access on there. Although it says youth it is for all ages. https://www.qld.gov.au/youth/family-social-support/support-lgbti-young-people

It can be a heavy burden knowing a secret you know you will have to bring into the light. Have you made sure you are looking after yourself? Have talked to a psychologist about this. I know you want your kids to be ok with it, but you also need to make sure you look after yourself and your mental health

My children's father is transgender

Lonelydan — Mon, 17 Jun 2019 03:11:03 GMT

Hi Binjil, Welcome to the forums. I take it you were married for over 20yrs, you have every right to feel your husband had been deceptive. I’ve asked my friend many years ago who is a trans women and was also married with children didn’t you know. Her reply shocked me when she said yes but I didn’t have the guts to do anything about it. I thought if I just ignored it got married it would be ok I can just dress up when nobody is around. Have my separate secretive life. I thought you dragged an innocent person into your life producing children with the intention of knowing some day you will have the courage to transition. I’m so sorry this has happened, you have every right to feel betrayed ,duped , mislead. I guess you can say you are now in mourning. It’s now up to your ex to Re-establish their relationship with the children. And up to them how they take the information, he can’t stop them from using dad/father as she is. Dan...

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Mon, 17 Jun 2019 09:03:55 GMT

Thanks Dan

I do sort of understand how hard this has been for my husband he is in his 50 s and times now have changed .. thankfully and he can transition. But I do feel he got married had kids because that's what society said men should do but now we have to travel this journey we never asked for

Yes we were married for 22 yrs and 51 weeks .....

As a mother I don't want my children to go through pain of any sort , but I know they have to go through this change and I'm not sure how it will all turn out.

Thanks

My children's father is transgender

Lonelydan — Mon, 17 Jun 2019 13:39:33 GMT

Hi Bunjil, Have you and your ex meet with her psychologist to discuss how the children will be told. How to best tell the children I think you need to both agree on this. How much information do they need. Will this be the first time they see him dressed as a woman. Will you be the one taking them home after this shock. I would be making a family appointment with your psychologist just you and the children. And asking my psychologist how do I best deal with this because I’m not experienced in dealing with such an issue. I hope your ex is prepared for a possible outcome where the children may not want to see there father for sometime. All this is so hard I’m so sorry this has happen. Please let us know how you are after it hits the fans so to speak. Dan

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Mon, 17 Jun 2019 22:06:55 GMT

Thanks Dan

I do fully believe the kids will distance themselves from their father once he tells them. He has not developed a good relationship with them all the way along and has in the last year stepped right away from them. To the point he doesn't really talk to one of our sons.

I will be the one how takes them home after he tells them and I'm the one who will need to help them process this totally. I have tried to become stronger in myself as I know this is going to happen. I've investigated where the kids can go for counciling ... One boy goes to RMIT and they seem to have great resources to access counciling

Deakin I'm finding a bit hard to find out what they have on offer but I will keep trying

And my daughter can access headspace plus I have thought of a teacher at her school, who I know well, who will be a great support for her .

I don't think he has even considered any of these things.

I just hope his psychologist is helping him work through how the kids might react

I feel I'm stuck in the middle

I understand and respect that he needs to transition

But on the other hand he has not dealt with me or the kids in a positive way that might help us understand or to continue to have a relationship with him.

Our financial agreement came down to him wanting money and not considering that I have the kids with me and I am supporting them financially, he thinks that because the boys at 20 they need to be independent financial, because he was at that age. They are full time uni students and work when they can.

I only have 4 sessions under the Medicare levy with my psych so I need to use them wisely. She has helped me greatly but I know I still have a long way to go. I was diagnosed with depression through all of this and now take meds , which have helped me level.my emotions out so that I can deal with what is going on. It has also bought up things that happened to me in the past that I thought were delt with and gone .... But I know now they never go you just get better at dealing with it.

Thanks for chatting with me or helps to just get things out and have people understand where I am ..

Thanks

My children's father is transgender

Lonelydan — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 14:26:52 GMT

Hi Bunjil, I’m sorry for my late reply some recent news headlines stirred up some horrible memories for me. First I just want to say what a wonderful mother you are. Reading your reply I just thought about your daughter and the teacher I just want to say maybe ask your daughter first if it’s okay to talk to the teacher because you just don’t know peoples prejudices..I understand she’s in maybe year 10 or 11 telling the teacher there’s just that chance that it could easily be spread around the school ground and Staff room, that could maybe be devastating for her especially doing her high school certificate. Maybe keep it on a need-to-know basis. I think your boys would just be angry about it and you’re right they probably won’t want to know about it. I want you to make sure after 25 years of marriage you get to the settlement that you deserve and you’re not funding someone else’s transition. I’m so sorry to hear you also experience childhood trauma I also have experience that too please don’t be afraid to talk about that please keep posting if you need to don’t be afraid to just let it all out. Dan.

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Thu, 20 Jun 2019 09:24:33 GMT

Thanks Dan

I hope you are feeling better and have the support you need.

The teacher I have thought of to talk to is very supportive of all people and I trust that she will only tell other staff if she needs to.

I will definitely talk to my daughter first about who I talk to at the school. I know she might want school to be her safe place where she can be just herself and not think about wants happening in her family. But I want one person I trust totally to be there if she needs support. Which I think she will ....

I just don't know how the kids will react .. I class them as not worldly its hard to explain they have had shelted lives .... I know they respect people and are open minded but this is going to blow their minds. My friends that I have told keep saying kids are resistant and might cope ok. I don't think they will cope very well. It might take them a while to come to terms with this ( and me as well)

We have settled out finances but just need to sell our house for a decent price.

I am finding beyond blue a great help.

Thanks

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 00:50:43 GMT

Im not having a good day.

I was going to get my nails done last night something I haven't done for ages. I talked myself out of it due to the cost, as I'm now support ing myself and three kids ( my boys are working as much as they can )

Then I find out by accident that my X went and got his (hers) done with no thought of the cost just the enjoyment

In a way I think I'm being petty but I feel I have taken on the total care of our kids financial and emotionally we went into having kids together and fought hard to get them ( they are IVF) but now he has pulled right away. And I am left picking up the pieces. I love my kids unconditional and will go to the end of the earth for each of them no matter what ...

Im just finding it hard doing this all on my own ...working full time , being there for the kids , working out the finances, cleaning the house and trying to sell the house , negotiating for our financial agreement . Waiting for him to tell them he is trans gender ,

I feel totally over whelmed and alone ....

My children's father is transgender

Lonelydan — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 02:57:48 GMT

Hi Bunjil, just tell the children now yourself. You don’t need his permission. Children these days are exposed to everything they’re probably less sheltered than you think As you said he was an absentee parent. Not talking to one twin and barely the other I’m not sure about your daughters Relationship with him. Tell the truth it’s always the best thing to do. His Obligated to pay child support for the youngest child. The boys are now considered too old. Has he squirrelled money away that you don’t know about. because transitioning is very very expensive. Don’t agree to 50/50 settlement. You’re not being petty you’re looking out for your own future now and the future of your children. Stop being so considerate of him his not thinking about you or the children , Probably just be happy if you all to shut up and went away , maybe give back what you getting. If it were me I would say you need to come to the house tell the children what you’re doing. I’m not dragging them to some strangers office For you to disrupt their world in your safe place and then for me to take them home while you go ahead with getting your nails done and buying wigs put yourself first. Dan ..

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 08:18:47 GMT

Hi Dan

I did agree with him that he would tell the kids and I think that should still happen he needs to take responsibility for this as it's happening to him . Plus it's for the kids not him.

I have taken 50/50 as a way of getting something and keeping the peace plus I can't afford to fight it

Once he tells the kids I don't care who knows and I will be telling people why we separated and what has happened. I have kept the peace for the kids but once they know they need to work out what relationship they want with him and I will respect that. But I don't have be friends with him he has hurt me too much.

I might even have the strength to let him know exactly how I feel and what this has done to me.

We have just accepted an offer on the house and I can rent it back for 12 mths which will help me out. He won't be welcome anymore unless the kids want to see him. Which I don't think they will ...once he is her.

Might go get my nails done tomorrow morning as he's coming over tomorrow to sign the offer on the house and he would have to take his nail polish off... Little bit vandictive .....

For anyone else reading this please remember I'm not disrespectful towards transgender people , just the way my X has treated me and our kids in all of this.

Thanks

My children's father is transgender

eight — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 11:06:39 GMT

mm. ignore me because i'm prolly derailing and i think too much but it's really becoming more obvious to me as i lurk how much coming out just derails people's lives, jesus christ

maybe i'm just swinging my bat at a hornets' nest when that's lowkey this whole board's audience, mhm, but yeah. you see it all the time in those threads of straight women who've done nothing wrong but they have a husband and he's gay or whatever and turns out he's also an abusive Asswipe with a capital a or it screws over their kids or these parents who have to rebuild all their expectations and their dreams get shattered and aren't the same again when their child comes out. always trotting out that same old same old "they came out of the closet and i went right in" with it too. it's.. a little tiring tbh

sounds like it's just downright misery to be the undeserving straight person who gets saddled with some bright-eyed bushy-tailed lgbt. i don't want to do that? i have regular breakdowns over how much i can't stand being closeted but there's no person out there who needs me to thrust all my misery and turmoil on them because some dumbass lesbian couldn't keep her feelings in. i hate the idea of dragging people into my gay blackhole if i've seen it gone horribly wrong so many times and it's unfolding right before my eyes again!

My children's father is transgender

Lonelydan — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 14:17:12 GMT

Hi Bunjil, Yes definitely go get your nail done. Im a single parent who is raising my three nieces 18,19,27 I’ve been so lucky to have an army of girlfriends who I love, Adore and respect. I’m a gay male just to clarify. I’ve seen some of my girlfriends ripped off terribly in the divorce settlements. I’m sorry if I’m speaking out of line I just want What is best for you and the children. Make sure it’s in the settlement contract that you are going to lease the house back and at what price. I know this might be too soon but, you said you are working. Have you Enquired about your borrowing capacity to buy another home. I imagine one years rent could be roughly $20-$30,000. I’ve seen two of my best friends get their settlements and the money slowly Dwindling away and now they’re stuck renting for the rest of their lives. You need to move on with your life so make sure he tells these kids soon so you can put closure to this , you can’t be left in limbo it’s not fair on your mental health. One thing transwoman don’t realise is the loss of male privilege. Maybe when You let him know how this made you feel you can say what kind of woman does this to another woman not vindictive Just Preparing you for what it’s like to be a woman in this world. Dan...

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 20:42:43 GMT

Hi Eight

Thanks for posting

I do believe that each and every person has a right to lead the life they feel they need to as far as being gay or transgender. I understand why my X is transioning as that's who they are supposed to be and he has fought it for a long time.

My issue is him personally and how he has dealt with this and how he has not taken my feelings or needs I to consideration we were married for 22 years and have three great kids ...he needs to step up take responsibility and.be proactive in how he does this ... But he has stepped back totally

People tell me he is the same person in the I side he'll just change his looks on the outside but that's not what I see

The way I see it I know the male verson of him and there is an other whole female version of him that I don't know ....and don't want to know ...

Please be your self but just be mindful of the people that you love and that love and support you

Take care

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 20:55:40 GMT

Hi Dan

Thanks for the clarification I was wondering ...you are an exemplary person to take your three neices in family is family no matter how it is made up.

As far as my finances I will continue to rent for up to three years until my daughter has finished school as we need to live close to the school as my daughter rides her bike to school and I need a four bedroom house and in the area I need I can't afford to buy plus i would need to out all to most of my share into a deposit and then I would have nothing to fall back on if something went wrong. I am happy to rent for now and later will see if I can buy something even as an investment.

I plan to travel the world in three to four years Time. I'll take a year off and travel .... Just for me .

Once we have signed and sold the house ill ask him again about when he will take to them.

So getting my nails.done this morning lol ....

Thanks Dan

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Sun, 23 Jun 2019 07:50:45 GMT

Hi Dan

Just a quick update

Got my nails done not sure why I worried about the cost was cheap as and I feel good now

Plus we have sold the house

And we have a date set to tell the kids ....

So my bed day yesterday turned into a good day today

I hope all is well with you

Thanks ...

My children's father is transgender

LizK — Fri, 28 Jun 2019 06:54:32 GMT

Hi Bunjil

Sounds like you have had a really torrid time. I have just read this entire thread and the one thing that seems to be a really hard thing is the Kids. I have two daughters and came out to them about 5 years ago. Instead of drifting apart I have become much closer to them and their mother. They are my life and always will be. I have sought to find resources for all of them to help them cope throughout my transition. I would suggest you can try the Bfriend organsisation which is part of the Uniting Communities program and not church based. They provide a number of different services and will certainly be open to helping you find resources.

I know my girls were surprised but supported me none the less but, we took time to sit and talk about things. I have never lied to them or their mother about this. It has not always been easy for me to be as open as I have and explain to them, however I desperately did not want to lose any of them so I put the work in. It wasn't always pleasant for them or me but we worked at it and we made it through intact. I get frustrated with many trans women who will not take the time to see what they already have and to take the time to understand what their spouses are going through.

I have tried to reverse positions and I think had my wife been the one to transition I would have stuck by her regardless and I can honestly say I would. Unfortunately there are many reasons why this doesn't happen and whilst I do understand the "why" of what your husband did I really wish they had taken the time to slow down and include you. You seem like a really loving person and there is no reason why you cannot come out of this at a very minimum as friends. I do realise that this boat has already sailed at your husbands doing so their is nothing that can salvaged it at this stage.

I hope you are able to find some peace and peace of mind. Hopefully the coming out event with the kids will be less traumatic for them and the chances are they will need some help and time to understand how they feel about it.

If there is anything I can do to help please feel free to ask.

Take care

Liz

or my Girls who are now 25 and 27 they

My children's father is transgender

Bunjil — Sat, 29 Jun 2019 05:50:04 GMT

Thanks LizK

I have read through your post a few times. I have asked myself a few times could I have stayed married , but the answer is no . I think we were drifting apart even before he came out to me and then we both pulled back ...I did to protect myself and the kids. I did things to keep him happy ( which I can see now but not really while I was in it)

I think he can not tell himself the true and therefor can't tell others the truth. He hurt me so bad with his lies, blind siding me ( but on the other hand I can appreciate that it must have been for him struggling with this desire to be a women and I still do)

But he has pushed us away and in myself I know I can't help him transition, ( not sure how to put that into words why that is so ...)

I feel that now I have to help the kids and as I've said before I know how I react will directly affect them and how they deal with this ( as a teacher I know that research says it's how the mother reacts to a tramatic situation that helps or hinders a child's ability to process the situation )

But it's hard to support someone who i am angry with and who has hurt me so badly ...at the momment I am being friendly and respectful as we have financial agreements to get done , selling the house ect. But once the house so is settled ( which is after the date we have set for telling the kids ) and I am renting I am asking for his key back and he will only be welcome if the kids want to see him.

I would really like to sit down with him and let him know how I feel and how badly this has affected me ....this might work better with a psychologist but I will see

I know his reaction will be to dismiss my emotions or contradict a situation that has happened he has always done this and I have always backed down to keep the peace .....but not any longer.

I am strong and I deserve a life that is mine with people that love me for who I am ( and I do feel he needs that too )

He has emotionally distroyed me financially ruined me and then there is telling the kids seeing them go through this will further distroy me ....

I have decided that if he doesn't tell them on the date me mutually decided on I will tell them ...it's tearing me up keeping this secret from them and my family. They need to start the process ...

Thanks

Re: My children's father is transgender

Aura46784 — Tue, 20 Sep 2022 04:35:24 GMT

Hi Bunjil, my situation is very similar to yours (I’m at the beginning stages) and was just wondering how it all turned out for you? Very keen to chat to women in the same situation to get my head around it all.