topic I don’t know who I am in Sexuality and gender identity

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 05:25:20 GMT

Um so hi? I’m kind of looking to forums to see if anyone can help me. I’m really struggling with my gender identity and quite frankly I’ve lost my perception of who I am because I’ve spent over 4 years thinking about it.
I don’t know exactly where this problem came from but as soon as I started 6th grade I started questioning my gender identity as I was starting puberty, I hated my body because I didn’t look like the other boys which lead me to think I was ftm transgender. As I’ve grown I’ve tried to convince myself that it was just a phase but that hatred and discomfort is still there. I hate being perceived the way I am, just being called “Sister” or “Daughter” actually makes me crumble and I can’t fix it.

I tend to think I’m not trans enough because I liked stereotypically feminine things when I was younger. These small things make me think I’m female and it makes me feel worse.

I’ve just lost myself so much, I’m in Ninth grade, stuck at home in quarantine and I have no idea how to figure out who I am, I don’t even know what to call myself.

I don’t know who I am

Aaronsis — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 06:42:12 GMT

Hey Papercup

Welcome to the forum, welcome to taking a big step to getting some support and some comfort at a time when I can hear your confusion, your frustration and I am sure you are exhausted from all the thinking and over thinking. While I am a 45 year old woman, I have never questioned my sexuality or my gender so I have no idea the thoughts and the pain that you would be going through..however...there are some wonderful threads on here that have people, just like you, talking through their experiences.

I am not sure if you have had a look at the whole sexuality and gender identity section but there are so many young people feeling so very confused and really seeking out support through this part of their life.

One thing I think is fair to say though is that I am not sure if you have to put a label on anything at this point in your life. If you feel like a boy and you want to live as one, you be true to you, if you feel like a girl and you want to live as one, you be true to you, I know that this is so much easier said than done as there is the whole family and friend situation to overcome..my point is that sometimes finding the label or the term or the box in which we fit is more hurtful and exhausting than living true to who we feel we are.

You are so young and there are many experiences you will have in life that will help you answer this question fully, your relationships, your sexual partners, your family your friends, there will be a time when you can say in one sentence how you identify, you might be 45 like me, you might be 20 ....in the meantime I think try and give yourself a break, enjoy being who you are every day, and if you are not sure of the name of it, that is fine, but do what makes your heart happy papercup. People will love you for you, and if they don't, that is fine too, they just don't get to be in your life.

I am not sure at all if I am of any help but I really hope to support you with love and kindness and you deserve it. As I said before, there are other threads with young people talking this through and you might read them, you might join in, whatever works for you.

Hugs to you and I hope to chat some more to you.

Sarah xx

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 07:04:07 GMT

Thanks so much for your help, I really appreciate it x

I don’t know who I am

eight — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 07:06:17 GMT

papercup is such a fun username. it sounds really nice and i never knew how it does

i know a lot of trans people realise they're trans around puberty (i'm nb n count myself as that lol) and there's that image in people's heads you always had to have dysphoria since you were four or you're not Really or not Trans Enough. usually they're cis people who don't understand or communities like transmedicalists and maybe i'm cynical as hell but they all boil down to bullies wanting highs and need another outlet than attacking other trans people.

i'd explain it like... when we're kids we're not really that gendered. they all look pretty androgynous and you'll look to hair or clothing or their name to read their gender but that's a social construct society was the one who decided this is for this gender rather than a set in biological stone. and then you grow older and suddenly your body all starts changing and too fast and uncomfortable for your liking and its more reminders of your assigned gender that could make a trans person realise something's not right here.

you say "these small things make me feel i'm female and it makes me feel worse" and i don't know why you're trying to convince yourself of that when it brings you so much pain. when you reframe "who am i deep down really" to "what makes me happy" it becomes less of a grave announce the truth and something a little less complicated. i know trans communities carry it around a lot, wanting to be another gender is a symptom of being another gender, what would that mean flipped around?

that's a feeling on the quarantine thing i'm stuck at home and going through the video games i haven't beat yet to fill the time and since i can't see any of my friends or talk to anyone my thoughts go around and around like i'm dirty laundry but it never gets washed. about my friendships about my parents about my grades and my counsellor and if i'm doing it all right and it just keeps spinning. i try to look at some of the stories ive written touch up the editing and organise them because i think thats more active and it still swirls. round and round again like the dirty laundry. i think thats what everyone feels with quarantine

I don’t know who I am

LittleMissAlice — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 07:35:39 GMT

Hi Papercup,

Sorry to shove my own stuff into the mix but I can really relate to what you say you're going through, I'm trans female and a little while ago I worked through pretty much the same emotions you are now. The confusion, the panic, the overall stress of everything is so so hard but I promise you're not the only person to go through this, and it does get better. I remember when I figured out I was female it took me a while to readjust my inner pronouns to she, and whenever I accidentally used he it really hurt me and I didn't know what to think. But now after a lot of self analysis and such that doesn't happen anymore, and I'm comfortable with who I am. The important thing is that you learn to be happy with yourself.

Also no one is not trans enough. Being trans means being happy in whatever shape that comes in, and there are no limits to that.

Anyway that was the deepest I've been in a while, sorry probably went a bit overboard there

Regardless good luck and hope you feel better soon!

xo Marie

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 09:05:41 GMT

I guess it was just me being paranoid that kind of through me off? Thanks for your input, it’s really made me look at the bigger picture and that actually helps me out so much, thank you xx

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 09:07:05 GMT

I really do have to look at this in a more positive light, it’s great to know that I’m not alone, thank you so much Marie xx

I don’t know who I am

Aaronsis — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 09:21:50 GMT

Hey Papercup

I hope you are feeling the support of the community here, I actually have to say, I put out to the universe for Marie to answer this one, I have chatted to her on another thread and when I read yours her name rang loudly in my head. I kind of put it out there to the universe and here she is to support you. Together we are stronger.

I think keep talking, keep sharing, but mostly listen to your heart and be you, boy, girl, non binary whatever the label is or whatever it ends up being called as long as you are happy and have love for you.

I am so happy now, I just love the support of this community.

Hugs

Sarah xx

I don’t know who I am

eight — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 10:41:24 GMT

mate everyone's being a little weird rn. when you cant go outside or talk to most people face to face and youre just stuck with yourself its no wonder your anxiety and uncertainty over your gender is gonna spike mine certainly does over the tiniest things now that i bet i couldn't care less about otherwise. round and round again like dirty laundry. i'm happy i could help you papercup and youre going to be nicer to yourself and see the forest for the trees xx to you too. mwamwah

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 22:19:26 GMT

Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate it xx

I don’t know who I am

Aaronsis — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 01:05:50 GMT

Hey Papercup

Just wanting to reach out today and see how you are feeling and share something with you. I have shared this also on other threads and I feel like Michelle Sheppard has so much to offer and so much to share. She is a trans woman and is also part of JoyFM which is a LGBTQ radio station, anyway, I want to share this link, see what you think:

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-do-we-know-transgender-issues-michelle-sheppard?fbclid=IwAR0anODl0gsnmUvH_YiHqEBn0Ns0gjZoqB4Cg-49NLCXLMQ0FT9HIeQxFfg

Hope today is really wonderful for you.

Hugs

Sarah xx

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 06:45:44 GMT

Hey Sarah!

Thanks for sharing that with me, it was very interesting, she’s such a strong woman.

I’ve been pretty depressed as dysphoria’s kind of slapped me in the face this morning, though I’m very delighted that I’m slowly but surely working out who I am. I guess it’s just kind of exciting that I’m getting there, and my birthday’s coming up this Saturday so that’s putting me in a good mood.

Hope you’re doing well as well, thank you for all of your help x

- Papercup x

I don’t know who I am

Aaronsis — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 10:10:39 GMT

Hi Papercup

I am so happy to hear that you enjoyed Michelle's story, and she is not the only one, there are sooo many people like her ftm, mtf, non binary with a story too, and you my friend will have yours too, you can look back on these days and this time and use it for growth and to feel pride in who you are and the struggle you went through to claim you, and love for you.

That is so exciting that you are having a birthday on the weekend, I am sure you will find a way to celebrate that is a little different from how you have in the past with all the physical distancing in force atm. However a birthday is wonderful non the less and I hope you get spoiled and I hope you have a wonderful day, you deserve that.

I am doing well today actually and thank you for asking, I actually got to speak to a really special person who was able to help me put some pain in a place where I can be free of it but know it is there. So today was a great day.

We are here for you always Papercup, to have a chat, to let us know how you are going, to share some joy, some confusion, some sadness or some pure excitement, whatever you like.

Huge hugs to you and chat soon

Sarah xx

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 11:59:06 GMT

Hey Sarah,

It makes me so happy that you got to speak to that special person and have a great day.

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes, I’m sure I’ll probably just stay at home but I guess it gives me time to think about being more myself. When I’m 14, I wanna express myself a lot more, get to know myself and embrace it (also kind of wanna find a name lol). Though I don’t know what the future holds, I can only hope it goes well.

Glad to know you’re doing well!

- Papercup xx

I don’t know who I am

Aaronsis — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 22:45:10 GMT

Good Morning Papercup

What a wonderful message to read from you, you sound so positive and there are some really exciting times ahead. It is interesting you had mentioned choosing a name, I was going to ask if you had, no pressure but just a really beautiful time, as you truly allow yourself to be who you desire and I think by taking a name a new you will be born, how empowering and wonderful.

I am sure you can find some ways to have a really great day on Saturday and I am sure your family will do something special for you too, the best way we can in these times.

No one really knows what the future holds but I think if we wake up each day with love in our hearts, we be the best version of ourselves and we take each day as a gift then it can only be wonderful, sure, there are the influences of others, but we are not able to control what they do, only how we respond and if that is with love and kindness, even if they are not being so, then we are being a wonderful human.

I am so lucky to have people in my life that act as both a mentor and a friend and also have some very good, and bad life experience to help me through tough times. I feel truly so very blessed.

I can't wait to find out when you have chosen a name, if you feel you want to share that it, I feel so happy for you papercup, you sound like you are really feeling good about who you are and becoming your heart's desire, yay!

Chat soon and big hugs

Sarah xxx

I don’t know who I am

eight — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 00:00:45 GMT

nice name, did your mom pick it out for you. this meme brought to u by trans/nb gang

yesterday was one of my best friend's birthday! i got everyone together for a videocall where we sang happy birthday and went on about what we'd give her except its less wholesome and more "i would give you a single wax candle as a gift". being 14 and a year nine sounded weird to me but then again i repeated a little early in school and im a january baby so im almost always oldest in the class by a while

usually i'd think easter weekend is a good time to have your birthday - four day weekend and now i guess if theres public holidays in the way it probably means a lot of closures too but i was thinking. lotta time to organise for your birthday. 2020's shaping up to be the most ariesphobic year by far 😔😔😔 i can't believe i typed that even the pensives

i found my name because i'm Edgy and picked it off a character i liked (you unlock which character it is when you max out my social confidant link) and i thought words that don't really get used as names even if they're numbers of all things are So Cool. but if you're not as much of a mess like me when i first chose eight i'd say maybe like scroll through baby name websites or something. thats a ton of choices at your fingers

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 06:43:27 GMT

Hey Sarah!

I only brought names up because some of my friends who I’m out to really think the name Elio suits me and I actually really like it! I feel like I can really identify with that and it makes me feel really good about myself.

I guess this quarantine thingo is frustrating but I’ve now realised it’s an opportunity for me to work things out with all of the time I now have. It does get a bit depressing at times but knowing I’ll get there really keeps me going.

Chat soon!

- Elio xx

I don’t know who I am

Papercup — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 06:49:14 GMT

The videocall idea sounds so nice, you guys must’ve had a great time lol. I agree, 2020 has been extremely ariesphobic 😤😤😤😤 like damn dude the world isn’t even letting me outside 😔😔😔😔

Eight is such a nice name! I’ve always been a frequent visitor on baby name sites, I’m probably on some weird watchlist or something but I was just desperate for a name lol. Good thing I’m sticking to Elio and don’t need to look at all those sites anymore lol.

Hope you’re doing well x

I don’t know who I am

LittleMissAlice — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 07:57:01 GMT

Hi Papercup,

Elio is a great name, I really like it and you seem really happy with it! In all honesty I got mine from that old disney movie the aristocats 🙂

xo Marie

I don’t know who I am

Aaronsis — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 10:05:58 GMT

Hello Elio, it is an honor to know your name..and I love it!

I am really noticing how positive you are and how far you are coming along your journey, it is so wonderful to be by your side as you make you way along the path to being you. It will take some time and there will be set backs and that is ok too, just like anything in live we learn from our "mistakes" or other words "lessons". Just like any young person your age there are going to be things thrown at you and I feel like the strength you are building in who you are is going to give you the confidence to be you Elio.

Can I also say that there will still be some "training" for your family and friends to go through, with the words that you described in your original post, like "sister" and "daughter", try to be patient too with others as this is a new way of them embracing you and they may not get it right everytime. I have a very close friend who is non binary and to this day I struggle with "he" "she" 'they", not through ignorance or because I dont care, it sometimes is hard for me to say "they" as I feel it is insensitive but it is not about me so I have to remember that, which sometimes make my conversation come out all awkward, so be patient with us...

I think you have come so far in the few days you have been chatting here and I hope you can feel the strength you have and know how proud I am of you.

Hope to chat some more to you Elio.

Hugs

Sarah xx