topic Lesbian, married and depressed in Sexuality and gender identity

Lesbian, married and depressed

RubyShoes — Wed, 30 Oct 2019 08:35:51 GMT

Hi, I have been married for 8 years but my husband and I have never had sex. I can’t, for physical reasons, but I also don’t want to because I love women and am not really attracted to men anymore. In fact, the longer I stay married, the less interested in males I become and I am almost physically repulsed by my husband, sorry to say, although I do love him. We are both Christian and so decided that we would wait until marriage before having sex. Well that was a mistake for me. Anyway, I have loved women since a very young age but thought that my love for my husband would be enough. It isn’t though as the lack of intimacy is slowly driving me around the bend. Recently I joined a lesbian dating site and have found a woman I really like. We clicked straight away and over a couple of months fell in love with each other. Last weekend, we finally met and spent the night together. I loved it. I love her and cannot get her out of my mind. The last three days I have felt utterly miserable because I don’t feel that I can leave my husband. It would absolutely destroy him. He is totally devoted to me. If I left, he would literally drink himself to death. That is no exaggeration. My unhappiness comes from feeling like I’m completely trapped. I could never bring myself to do something that would decimate my husband but I also don’t know if I could spend the rest of my life in an intimacy-free marriage. It’s killing me. I feel that I made a monumental mistake by getting married and that I’m doomed to a life of growing unhappiness.

I’m not on here looking for answers of any sort; I just need to talk....

Lesbian, married and depressed

monkey_magic — Wed, 30 Oct 2019 09:42:19 GMT

HiRubyShoes,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It sounds like you are in such a difficult situation. You're in love with another woman but can't leave your husband because you're afraid of what he might do to himself if you leave.

You said you just needed to talk so feel free to say as much or as little as you like, we will be listening.

Lesbian, married and depressed

Croix — Wed, 30 Oct 2019 12:18:07 GMT

Dear RubyShoes~

I'd lake to join MM in welcoming you here. It must have been difficult to talk about, however I'm glad you did, talk can help.

Finding out who we are is a life-long process, and this applies to most things in life, not just sexual orientation.

I've no advice other than to ask if everything has to be black and white? It is always tempting to say yes, however life does not always give us the luxury of that choice. You mentioned two unacceptable alternatives, leaving your husband, or having an intimacy free marriage.

Are those the only alternatives?

The only other thing to say, which I'm sure you are well aware of, is that it can be hard to tell love and permanence from a fling, particularly if one has litle experience. Sex is a powerful attractor.

Croix

Lesbian, married and depressed

RubyShoes — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 10:04:17 GMT

Thank you Croix. I don’t however understand the point you are making in your last paragraph. Of course I can tell love and permanence from a fling...

It’s not the sex per se that attracts me. You may think that I’m deluding myself by saying that but let me be totally frank. At no point during my night of sex with the woman, did I feel turned on, or have an orgasm. In fact, right now my libido is at 0 level. But I still loved it. I loved it for the emotional and physical intimacy that it gave me, something I have never experienced, certainly not with a man. So, you see, it’s not just sex that is a powerful attractor. And when you say that, what EXACTLY do you mean? Are you talking about sexual desire and the possibility of orgasm? Because I am not. Sex is a lot more to me than that.

Lesbian, married and depressed

Aaronsis — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 10:49:23 GMT

Hi RubyShoes

I wanted to say how great it is that you have come to seek some support in what is a very emotional and painful situation that you are in. I don't know how you feel and I am not in your position, I just wanted to hopefully give you some support and perhaps help you through this time.

I can see that you have not received the support from Croix in which it was intended and that is I think they are merely trying to get you to explore if there are in fact other alternatives to your situation that are outside the square, that are not one of the two options you have expressed as unacceptable. I dont think that Croix was eluding to the fact you lacked experience but more referring to the experience of being with women, as opposed to men, which is what you have chosen most of your life.

I think the reference to sex was because you talked alot about it in the beginning of your message and they were just reiterating your feelings on sex and that it has been missing from your life and it is A powerful attractor, not THE ONLY attractor.

I hope you continue to chat here as we are here to support you and hope to bring you some comfort.

Hugs to you

Lesbian, married and depressed

RubyShoes — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 23:34:02 GMT

Thanks Aaronsis. I mentioned the word sex twice merely to set the context of this issue. But if you read my post it is about intimacy. I made that quite clear. Are you a male? Because that will definitely colour your idea of what ‘sex’ is. You see, if I were to seek physical intimacy from my husband he would simply see it as a prelude to sex. Therefore there isn’t any intimacy. Anyway I feel like I’m just going to go around in circles here. I think I would be better off talking to one of my friends about this. Thanks anyway.

Lesbian, married and depressed

Aaronsis — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 23:41:24 GMT

Hi RubyShoes

I am very sorry to hear that we have not been able to support you as you have needed on this occasion, it is very hard with written word to get the tone and the message correct.

I am very sorry if I have offended you in anyway, that was not my intention.

I am actually a female, I understand totally what you are saying with regards to intimacy, it is very different from the act of sex.

I hope that your friends are able to support you through this time.

Every best wish

Lesbian, married and depressed

RubyShoes — Fri, 01 Nov 2019 02:06:49 GMT

Thanks Aaronsis. You didn’t offend me.

Take care.

Lesbian, married and depressed

Soberlicious96 — Fri, 01 Nov 2019 08:56:51 GMT

Dear RubyShoes,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out.

You said that "I’m not on here looking for answers of any sort; I just need to talk" so I won't offer any advice or answers, just encouragement ....... I probably don't really have any answers anyway. I'm not a professional, neither am I a lesbian. I am simply a woman who has also been in a marriage starved of intimacy. And no, I too, do not mean the physical type of intimacy that my (now ex) husband used to always think I meant. I'm talking about emotional intimacy; the connection of 'my soul to another's soul'. I was married to him for 12 years, and right from the start there was 'something missing' ..... I just could NOT seem to 'connect' with him at any kind of deep level. Not like I thought a husband and wife should be able to anyway. Only a short time into the marriage, I began to hear of, and learn about Aspergers Syndrome, and have since come to realise that, in my opinion, he has it, and that was why we couldn't connect; he simply did not have the same wiring in his brain that I did. It was like he just wasn't capable of showing emotions in a way I could connect with. And over time, it just got worse and worse. And I too became a Christian, a couple of years into the marriage. He too had been brought up in a fairly strict catholic environment, and so leaving seemed out of the question. How could I break my promise to God? I had PROMISED to 'love and cherish him until death parts us', and I was failing. I became very depressed, and was spiraling fast into a place I did not want to go ...... again. I had been severely depressed before, therefore was at risk of suicide idealization once again.

Anyway, obviously the marriage fell apart completely, and now we are divorced. But I survived. Am I happy to be divorced? Not really, no. It was never my plan. But am I happier now, because I talked it out, and told people about what was really going on? Absolutely! A problem shared, is a problem halved, as the saying goes. So please, feel free to come here to talk as much as you want. You may not always get the exact help or hear the exact words you want, but you will always be heard. We're not perfect, but we're all doing the best we can with what we have. Just like you are now. And maybe one day, things will be better.

Just keep talking it out, is all I can say. Because 'problem sharing' is exactly what we are here for.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

Lesbian, married and depressed

RubyShoes — Mon, 04 Nov 2019 00:00:09 GMT

Thanks Soberlicious for your kind words and encouragement. In your experience, what is emotional intimacy? Because I cannot work out if my husband and I have it. I know that may sound like a stupid statement but I really don’t know. Just like I didn’t know if I was in love with my husband before we married. I now realise that I wasn’t but the reason I couldn’t tell was because I had never really experienced it before. I love him dearly but at the same time I think I could live quite happily without him. I am not sure if I love him more than a friend although the thought of causing him pain kills me.

While we share our feelings and aspirations and frustrations with each other, I am not sure this is emotional intimacy. I think emotional intimacy requires a level of vulnerability that I feel I cannot express withhim. The kind of openness and vulnerability I crave I can only find with women. Of course, the lack of physical intimacy also removes opportunities for emotional intimacy.

So now I am involved in an affair with a woman and I know I have to end it. But the thought of not having that close contact with a woman is really hard to take. I know there is nothing anyone can do to help me but sometimes the despair is overwhelming.

Lesbian, married and depressed

Soberlicious96 — Mon, 04 Nov 2019 07:47:05 GMT

Dear RubyShoes,

To me, emotional intimacy means that I can open up to someone, without fear of judgement, or of causing harm to them (or myself), and also to be confident that they in turn will open up to me. Emotional Intimacy, to me, is also about being unafraid to be vulnerable around that person.

I have many female friends, and a very small handful (or even less) of male friends that I feel I can open up to and be safe in doing so. I feel very confident that I can open up to my (male) partner, also without worrying about any kind of 'reprimand' ..... or even worse, indifference. Indifference is what I felt I got from my ex husband.

And yes, I too 'loved' my ex husband, but never truly felt like I was 'In Love' with him. I never felt like we were growing together ...... I often felt like we were, in fact, growing apart.

No one can tell you what to do, or what not to do with your current relationships. You are the only one who can decide what to do, or what not to do. All I can tell you that for me, and probably many others, when starved of that intimacy we so strongly seek and desire, we tend to do all sorts of things ...... and I know that for me, when I was still married, I had an emotional affair with a man whom had been partner years before I had met my husband, mainly because of the lack of intimacy within the marriage. Of course, every night when I laid my head on the pillow, I wasn't sleeping so well because I knew I was far too close to this other man who was not my husband, but I lacked the courage to do anything about it. One day things came to a head in the marriage (we had a rather heated discussion about the lack of intimacy, of which he STILL thought meant sex, and not emotional connection) and I moved myself into the spare room to sleep alone. And then, a few months after that, he asked me to move out. Said he "couldn't live like this any more". So a couple of days later I moved out.

Of course, there is much more to the story I could probably tell you if I had the space, but I don't have the space here! But basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that, whatever it is that you DO decide to do, make sure it's something that will at least give you more peace of mind, and will be more true to yourself in the long run. If God can love me, even with all my flaws (and believe me, there are MANY) then He can still love you too.

I do hope that helps a little anyway? Gotta go, am running outta room again. Take care. xo

Lesbian, married and depressed

Esti67 — Wed, 13 Nov 2019 08:01:39 GMT

Hi RubyShoes,

Welcome, it takes a lot to collect your thoughts and put them here. I have a couple of threads exactly addressing this theme. I am finally an out lesbian after grappling with this for about 20 years. A little over a year ago i came out to my husband ( married for 28years) and left my marriage a few months later. This was by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do. Seeing his pain still hurts and i feel guilty more often than not. I am now with a woman i have been friends with for many years. We are madly in love and very happy. Whilst there are still many challenges ( my daughter is still very angry at me) this bumpy ride has been worth it as i am finally free to be who i am and be a part of the LGBTQI community and experience a beautiful passionate relationship with my female partner. All i can say is that this takes time. Keep talking to people who will accept you and be true to who you are because nothing is worth dying in the closet for. Your husband may actually be ok in time, and honestly you both deserve to be in relationships where you give and get 100%. In hindsight, despite how difficult this year has been I still would gave pushed forward with this. Good luck 😁💜

Lesbian, married and depressed

Guest_9043 — Sun, 24 Nov 2019 07:08:36 GMT

Hi RubyShoes,

Firstly, I am sorry for the distress, confusion and angst you feel in your situation. It is quite a complex issue. I am not going to give you advise because I can see it is unwanted and you directly have said it so I will respect that.

I do wish to say though that I have read your responses to the good and kind folk here who truly care and would like to help in whatever way they can. I am sorry you have not felt that it was not supportive or helpful to you even though that was the intention from every single poster. I can hear you anger, frustration and sense of feeling utterly lost and hopeless. I feel for you in that truly. In saying that please do remember that no one here is your punching bag and everyone that posts here also has things going on in their personal life as well. If you are unsure of the rules of the site, perhaps you can speak to admin or a mod to find out where they are so that we can all have a little bit more of an easier experience on this site. It would be nice if you could respect other people in future as you will be respected in return. I do hope you find your answers that work for you in your situation that is definitely not unique. I am a NON-Binary Female and have been out since I was 18 years old. I know a lot about the LGBTQI community. Your situation is definitely not unique and I do hope that you find the right type of support you feel you need. Best wishes along your journey.