topic Wanting to push forward but partner in denial in Sexuality and gender identity

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 12:59:17 GMT

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Just Sara — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 06:45:58 GMT

Hi and welcome to our caring community Esti;

Your story's a common theme for this forum, so please don't feel like you're the only one going thru this type of transition ok. I'm glad you had the courage to post as it takes a lot for the first one, so well done!

You don't mention if there's kids in your life. This obviously makes matters far harder and more complex to cope with.

Your husband does sound like a beautiful man making leaving incredibly tough. Being forced to transition into a single life at his age is hard hitting stuff so I totally understand your hesitant feelings.

Once your husband can come to terms with everything, moving forward will be easier. I'm so glad you've decided to support him for as long as it takes. I hope he has people he can turn to. If he sees you as his best friend and confidante, the pressure increases.

I don't envy either of you. You've both invested a lifetime of emotions into your relationship, it must be ripping you apart. I really feel a well seasoned relationship counsellor could help you both get thru this process a bit more gently.

Have you established lesbian connections outside the marriage? If so, I guess this makes your side of things much easier; not such an unknown quantity. Have you explored any LGBTI counselling options in your area or online?

I'm here most days Esti, so if you want to shoot the breeze, rant or bleed your poor heart, please know someone's listening and understanding.

If you scan the sexuality and gender section here you'll probably find other threads to look thru. There's one at the moment about being gay and thinking about leaving his wife. I haven't read that one, but there's another by Steven1 that's very good.

Not sure if I've helped in the way you would've hoped, but at least you're able to talk about it with someone who cares.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Only_I_know — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 08:14:41 GMT

Hi Esti67

I have a thread going on here, that I started back in April. I'm 47 and came out to my wife of 20years 3 months ago. I've known all my life, but hidden it and never explored it.

My wife, fortunately, was very understanding and supportive - just one of the many reason's that I love her so much, and made it harder to tell her.

We are separating, I'm moving out on 3rd November as I've bought a small 2 bed unit. I have kids, a 16yo son and 10 yo daughter, thankfully they are okay too - I think due to the very loving house we developed over the 20 years.

I would suggest that you both go and see a counsellor. Firstly go to your Dr and ask for a mental health care plan so that you can get up to 10 sessions 1/2 covered by Medicare. Like you, I sunk pretty low, I won't go through all the details here, but if you look for my thread you will see my state at the time, before and after I told my wife.

I'm pretty good now, and I think you will be too with the right help. My wife also went to a counsellor and she found it very helpful as well, in coming to terms with the separation after 20 years.

I'd also suggest googling and contacting Qlife, an LGBT peer phone service, they can offer you heaps of great advice, they can also refer you to an LGBT counsellor, which will definitely be the best for you, and possibly for your husband too.

By the sounds of it, your husband loves you, and I doubt that he would want to see you in pain.

Keep posting your thoughts, this community is fantastic. I was helped, brought back from the brink, and no doubt that you will be the better for talking here too.

cheers

Darren

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 12:07:40 GMT

Thanks Sez, you are very kind and helpful. We do have kids in their 20's and fortunately are financially ok. My family are wonderful and we've always had lots of diversity in our friendships, I've always worked in LGBTI friendly workplaces and as a result have many friends in the community so am very lucky that way. Our daughter also idenfifies as bi. It's because of this i was surprised that he was so shocked (not to mention all of the lesbian themed movies ive been watching on netflix and sbs 😊). He wants to do marriage counselling which is fine with me but i did say for me, its not going to change anything but im happy to do this if he needs it. The other part if this is that i am interested in someone (a friend who identifies) but havent acted on it but its essentially this that has forced the issue. I've actually had a bit of a thing for her for years and its only surfaced since she split with her partner a year or so ago. We've had the chat and have agreed not to enter into anything until i sort my head out. So now here i am, feeling so brave that ive outed myself to my husband. I had a clear plan but its all crumbled in a heap now because the guilt about watching him basically have a breakdown has placed me right back where i started. I dread having to revisit this, it will take longer than i thought but i dont want to sweep this under the carpet. I feel incredibly stuck.

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 12:12:27 GMT

I also forgot to mention that my husband and i have been together for 34 years since age 16. We have so much shared history which makes this all the more painful.

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 12:30:41 GMT

Hey thanks Darren, i read your posts a while ago and this helped me to post so thanks so much for your bravery, it is truly inspiring. I feel your pain. I spent the morning reading your supportive posts with Tim on blue Simons thread. You all sound like beautiful men. I guess as a nurse i want to fix things and make sure everyone is ok all the time but unfortunately its to my detriment. A good lesbian friend of mine said to me when this was starting to become a problem that i should go slow and nature will tell me what to do. She was right but now i feel more stuck than ever. Thankyou for your kind words, it helps to to know that others have been there and in time things work out even if it takes a little while, with a lot of speed bumps.

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Just Sara — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 10:45:29 GMT

Hi Esti and wave to Darren; (lol, I wanted to write Dazza! Oh my..)

I'm on a downer today so won't be posting much of a response. I'm taking the weekend off to reboot and refresh too.

I'm glad you and Darren have met. It's great you guys can give each other a helping hand as well as views from someone who 'knows'.

I'll catch up on Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy some fun activity over the weekend. Thinking of ya's...

Sez

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Only_I_know — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 11:38:34 GMT

Hey Sez, Dazza or Daz is fine. It's what all my friends call me!

Yes take the time to look after youself too. Community champions are awesome, and need to take care too.

Have a lovely weekend.

Esti67, I'm glad my story helped you express, others did the same for me a few months ago. It's wonderful on here, lots of loving support and people happy to just listen and not be judgemental. Alot of great advice too, often things you don't think of. Your friend sounds wise, don't be in a rush. Things will happen when you least expect it.

Keep posting, I'm here most days, so happy to chat.

Daz

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 22:05:10 GMT

Thanks sez, looks like lots of self care for you this weekend. Stay safe and well

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 22:10:41 GMT

Thanks again Darren, the supportive community makes a difference. Amazing how common this experience is. Ive told a couple of friends, they are very supportive but straight and don't really get it, especially how intense the experience is and how you feel so conflicted. Have a great weekend

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 22:21:23 GMT

Hey Sez, ive read your posts where you have spoken of your past trauma. I work in mental health (go figure) so i hope you have good people around you and lots of ways to stay well and if not, bunker down with a blankie and a cup ot tea. Have a good weekend and thanks for the check-in

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Only_I_know — Sat, 25 Aug 2018 08:02:54 GMT

Hi Esti67

You couldn't be more right. Straight friends, whilst supportive and are okay, they just don't get it. It is a terrible burden when you realise that you identify with being part of the LGBTIQ+ community. I don't know how it is for younger people, but for those that are a bit more mature, and been in long term relationships, it can be debilitating. It almost ended me.

I can't remember if you said what state or city you are in, but I was advised to look up Team Melbourne - there's one for each major city - here you can find many different types of LGBT groups. I've joined the Frontrunners and now walk every Saturday morning. there are others too that I'm going to join, but after I've moved out of the family home, in 2 mths. Why don't you look up groups and make some new friends, that way you'll have others to talk to about stuff.

I'm sending you a massive hug, apparently I'm really good at them (so my mum keeps telling me!).

You have a great weekend as well, I've got friends coming over to watch the footy tonight (GO SWANS!). I'm about to crack a good bottle of Red Wine, maybe I'll drink it all before they get here with the pizza!

cheers

Daz

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Birdy77 — Sat, 25 Aug 2018 08:30:43 GMT

Dear Esti,

I have read your thread with interest and I really feel for you and your loving husband.

I have been reluctant to give my two cents.

I'm a decade younger than you are and am in a happy lesbian relationship.

I hope it's ok for me to pop my tuppence in.

This is obvious, but there are so many different, diverse ways of having a relationship, which you know. You can be married and be exclusive. You can be married, but have another arrangement ...

I have known people who are married, but have an understanding, one is lesbian or one is a gay male ... there can be ways of being and ways of loving each other in unconventional ways.

I know this won't be news to you, but I just want to remind you that everything doesn't have to be black and white, things can be grey ... all that matters is that you and your loved ones are ok.

I am not articulating myself well, but I wanted to remind you that there are many couples out there who are not in "conventional" relationships, but who make it work.

I'm not saying this will work for you, but it may be something to think about and a way to help ease into a different life.

🌻birdy

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Sat, 25 Aug 2018 22:51:14 GMT

Thanks again Daz,

I'm a suburban Sydney woman.I think when i do decide to come out officially to others i'll have support even though ive mentally listed the people I'll probably lose after this. Not ok but wouldnt stop me from outing myself. That's the nice thing about being 50 i guess. I do have a number of lesbian friends but the thought of the whole inner west lesbian scene freaks me. I don't fit in with that scene at all. We do come in all shapes and sizes. I wanted to add that your posts reassure me that you can push through the pain and be ok eventually. It looks like this is still very new for you but you are sticking with this and things are going ok. You've come such a long way and i feel happy for you. At the moment things are polite, a touch tense but i still feel like this isnt going to go away even if he thinks it has. He also lost his mum 6 months ago so timing is bad. I think i need to move slowly but am feeling a bit resentful that it took so much to tell him ( 6 days ago) and im stuck back here again. I think we should probably do some marriage counselling even if it helps him to adjust. Thanks for your hugs, and yes you are very good at this

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Sat, 25 Aug 2018 23:07:20 GMT

Thanks Birdy, i understand completely what you are saying. We did toy with the idea of an open relationship when we had the initial discussion but i would still feel that i was sneaking off. Its not really me and i font think hed handle it. I want what i have with my husband, but with a woman. You know, going out for brekky, BBQ with family and friends, just hanging out as a couple. There is someone I am interested in ( who ive loved for a long time) and i would like to have this with her even though the blended family and crazy ex partner thing would be complicated. We havent acted on anything but its on the cards as i progress this I do think it would be worth it. I just dont want to go down the affair pathway. This would completely undo everything and however well intended i was in telling him, if I've had an affair thats all he or my family will see, not the fact that for me its about being attracted to another woman and the struggle its been. Thanks for your insight.

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Only_I_know — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 03:57:01 GMT

Hey Esti67, well I'm glad that you have friends that will understand, it is way to hard to go alone. Keep doing what you are, be patient, listen and continue to love. As much as you care for him, you need to care for yourself too.

Make sure you take a break from the angst that is at home, have a coffee with your friends - they'll let you vent.

We had a nice night with our friends last night, they are supportive of both me and my wife, we talked openly about everything.

You also have our support here as you know, so keep posting your thoughts and questions.

Daz

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Definitely_Otherwise — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 04:24:46 GMT

Hi Esti67,

I really feel for you and your husband. If the males in my life had been more like your husband, I think that I probably would have ended up being a much more mentally healthy person. I wish I had, had a Dad like him.

I love male friendship. I love it, and I crave it, and I mourn the lack of a 'strong male presence' in my life. The female psyche can be wearying at times, and I find male company very refreshing. That said, I am a girl loving lesbian, and it is my home.

Heartbreak isn't easy in whatever form, but some forms are more confusing and complicated than others. The way you' have broken your husbands heart is complicated. I think it is different when you break someone's heart who you deeply respect versus an abusive peron who isn't particularly nice anyway. It is clear to me that you love and respect your husband. But loving someone like family, with a deep, shared history, who's well-being keeps you awake at night, is not the same as loving someone romantically, sensually and erotically. There is no shame craving that and desiring this. The gay community is often pertrayed as sex crazed maniacs who would sleep with anything as long as they have the same body parts, and our truest desires are reduced to entertainment, or cheap fetishes. You referred to same sex attraction being complicated. For me, it wasn't that my same-sex attraction was complicated in and of itself, but the the social and psycho-social expectations imposed upon me were. I don't know many people that don't want to be accepted by their parents, grandparents, cousins, colleagues and friends. It is a powerful force that we all feel at times, some of us more than others.

You've been together since teenagers, it is going to take a long time. His grief will be profound. Made all the more difficult that you have actually fallen in love with a women, so its hardly a phase. If that was me, I would ensure he is in therapy or counselling for a quite a protracted time. He needs to foster a relationship with a therapist that is in it for the long haul.

He may surprise you once the shock recedes and meet his own next love. People surprise you.

Have realistic expectations of how drawn out the process will be, and the intensity of the emotions for you both.

Its very frought and sad. In years down the track you will be sad for you. That you hid for so long.

Def

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 09:12:35 GMT

Thanks DO, your comments are spot on. I hate the way the LGBTI community is portrayed, it sickens me, always has. Its a real power thing and whats worse is that vilification is endorsed by a lot of institutions like the church. This shame of course have a ripple effect into families. Im sorry you have had a terrible experience with this. The thought of having to out myself continually is going to be a bit of a challenge but also feel its my responsibilty as a woman who has been married to a man, just to let people know we all come in different shapes and sizes and have varying experiences. And it's OK.

Well, what a difference a few hours can make, whilst i was dreading raising this subject again with my husband, i couldn't cope with behaving like everything was normal, i had to gently reinforce what we had discussed. I wanted to check in with him and to my surprise he said it was ok and that he knows we will be separating (who knows when) and he understands. He wants me to find someone who cares for me like i deserve and i told him that i can't not have him in my life, it's non negotiable. He felt the same. I think its going to be ok, he is a wonderful and evolved man. We will both wade through this using whatever help is available. I want to give a big thanks to the BB community. So much support that i dont think i could have gotten anywhere else. Thanks again

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Esti67 — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 09:31:02 GMT

So here is the status quo on my messed up life, my husband is a beautifully understanding man. He does understand the situation and wants the best for all of us. In the post above to DO i wrote that i broached the subject again and he does understand that we will be separating in time and we will move slowly. We talked about mine and his fears of dating (been together 34 years) finances and the kids and how others are going to treat us in the suburb we live in. (Not very diverse) Very intense but worth the chat. I hope we can all have this very modern relationship with blended families and new partners. I hope I'm not being naive, i know it won't be easy but what's been happening for the last year hasn't been easy either. I feel relieved and think if we are ok, everyone else will be, if not, stuff em'. Thanks to those who took the time to post, check in, and just generally offer support. I will be forever grateful.

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

Only_I_know — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 10:44:38 GMT

Esti67 that's awesome. Very happy to hear this. It just takes time, love and support, everyone deals with things differently, but it truly seems you both are pulling through it.

Amazing.

Have a good night

Daz