topic Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this? in Sexuality and gender identity

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Tired_of_being — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 08:25:23 GMT

I guess my title says it all.

My husband, best friend and person I knew has finally faced up to years of cheating. While floored by the betrayal of monogamy and the trust issues, I want to know how I can help him. This is doing my head in. I don’t care about the sexuality, but the lies and hurt he has caused has stripped my confidence and self worth to 0.

We live in small country area and he is widely known (also all his mates know as he has tried it on with some of them). He keeps saying he loves me and wants to stay married, we don’t have sex or intimacy. But he has cheated with only men and our gay friend believe he is gay not bi.

Ive looked for somewhere to be supported and help my husband through this. I know our marriage is ended, but this should not have to end badly. How can I help him, while ensuring my anger at the betrayal of trust is reined in?

We are both around 50, kids, etc.

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Ruby__2 — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 12:25:52 GMT

Hi Tired of being,

Welcome to the forums and I hope you find some solace here.

I think I can relate to your feelings of trust.My husband of the 32yrs has recently "come out" after much angst to all involved.He is my best friend but I do feel betrayed. I thought I knew him so well.

I (we) have decided to divorce amicably.This is not where I expected to be at 56.I have sought the help of a psychologist and while we remain living in the same househe knows it won't be forever.

It is extremely difficult but you are in a situation not of your choosing. I have returned to work after18yrs and while I do still love him,I have decided life is too short to not set boundaries and move on. Your children will respect you for it and you will to.

I encourage you to seek help with dealing with this situation. You don't have to go it all by yourself.

Having said this,anger is a huge feeling.I too am torn between anger and sorrow. Be the better person,keep your dignity intact,remain friends.At some point our husbands will realise, but I believe there's no going back.Keep strong.It is your time now.

Ruby 2

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Tired_of_being — Mon, 13 Aug 2018 13:23:08 GMT

Thank you Ruby. This is such an emotional isssue, made worse because he keeps avoiding the truth. All his cheating is with men. He does not plan it, it just happens. There have not been any women, so this kind of makes it easier than if I was cheated on with another woman.

We are going to do counselling, but he has chosen one that is nearly 2 hrs away on the other side of Melbourne. Is this a way of avoiding doing it? I know I am asking stupid questions, but I keep trying to find a reason why the man I love is doing this.

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Only_I_know — Wed, 15 Aug 2018 08:38:04 GMT

Hey Tired of being, you sound like a beautiful person - please take a moment to acknowledge that.

I am male, 47, married for 20 years and 3 mths ago I came out to my beautiful wife. You sound awesome just like her. She was more worried about my mental health than herself. I never cheated on her, so I guess that is the biggest difference here.

The fact that you are supporting him just proves how great you are. I wouldn't worry about the distance - better to go than not at all. My psychologist was in Preston, and I live eastern suburbs - so about an hour, and when my wife and I went it actually gave us time to chat in the car, in both directions.

Be honest with him, but try and remain composed if you can. Like ruby said, you are in a situation not of your choosing, and though you may understand that he may not have had a choice (like me) when he was younger to accept being gay, he does have a choice in what he does whilst still being with you.

The counsellor will try and help him realise what he is doing to you.

It may also help you to contact an organisation called QLIFE - google them. they are a LGBT peer counselling service for LGBT people and their friends. They may also be able to offer some advice, and perhaps a counsellor that is gay themselves and can provide your husband with clarity.

I'm still living with my wife and kids, I bought a 2 bedroom unit close by (with her help all the way), the settlement is 2/nov so will be moving out around then. Whilst I have joined some LGBT groups to get my head around things, I will not pursue anything until I'm comfortable that I am in no way hurting my beautiful wife. Really, I think it will be many years for me - it just terrifies me!

Try and remain positive, I thank you for being an awesome woman to your obviously confused husband.

take care.

Darren

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Ruby__2 — Wed, 15 Aug 2018 11:23:18 GMT

Dear Tired of Being,

Darren has offered some great advice and tips to follow. It's also good to look at a gay spouse's perspective.It is difficult for them and after being with someone for so long,you do want to help and achieve a good outcome for all.Others who have not experienced this may not understand how you can still stand by,but true love accepts.You seem to have this for your husband,but in order for him to help you he has to first accept himself.Mine ended up in a psychiatric unit for 2 months before he could tell me.

It will take a lot of work,but I hold on to the fact that while we won't be lovers we will remain friends.

Counseling in whatever form is a good first step forward and I would encourage you to go.Write a list of your concerns and give them to the counselor so they can address your issues.Sometimes my mind would go blank or I would forget what I needed to say and you can get caught up with just seeking help for your husband.You matter too!

Keep us posted on your progress.As odd as this feels,the more you talk to others you will find it is not such an unusual situation to be in.

Wishing you all the best

Ruby 2

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Tired_of_being — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 09:02:08 GMT

Thank you Darren and Ruby.

I am not a loving and supportive wife. I swing between crying for my lost life, we were going to grow old etc. and standing up an saying I need go so I can rebuild me.

thank you for the other group. I really don’t care about the sexuality, but cheating/betrayal of trust deeply wounds. He now refuses to go out with friends, so that I know he is being faithful. ???? I am not concerned about him being faithful, as he is not attracted to women, or primarily attracted to men atm. That he says he has no self control in that situation, says so much. But after these talks he clams up so tightly.

I am going to try counselling, but we have so much to work through. I would rather the truth and then friendship once wounds heal, than a lifetime of torture/guilt/pretending for both of us. I wish he could see himself as a single man, who can follow his heart and find his true self and love freely.

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Ruby__2 — Tue, 21 Aug 2018 09:50:14 GMT

Dear Tired of being,

Sorry it has taken a while to reply,but as we all know life can get in the way.....

How did you go with counseling?I do hope you were able to gain something from it.

You ARE a wonderful person.You have shown this by your wish to help your husband.

I have just started working after 18yrs,which has been a steep learning curve.But it has shown me I can do things independently of my husband.

He has been diagnosed with lung cancer-talk about life running away on you!My new employer understands and have been quite helpful. You may be surprised at who can help in dark ,difficult situations.I was!

I guess,what I am trying to say is:life can throw so many unexpected things at us.Try and surround yourself with people who are able to help and support you.Some may not-ignore and move on.

I understand the small town mentality. Go and confide in your GP.What you say is confidential and if need be explain to them that you don't want "everyone"to know your business.

Just a few suggestions to let you know you have not been forgotten:)I can offer no solutions, everyone's different. But I do wish you well and can be the "silent"friend if you need to vent.

Thinking of you

Ruby

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Esti67 — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 13:24:56 GMT

Hi tired of being,

I feel desperately sad for your situation, its horrible for everyone. I think same sex attraction is so complex. I am the other side of your situation, i have just outed myself to my husband and after some time to reflect he has begged us not to separate. This is painful for both of us and i hate being the cause of his pain that he has no fault in. I can appreciate how betrayed you feel and how the life you had planned isnt going to happen now. I think that regardless, you should have your own counselling because this is about your feelings, and only yours and how you now move forward, Your husband, whilst he may be struggling, at the end of the day, his nature is his nature. i wish you all the best as you navigate your new life. I hope in time you blossum.

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Tired_of_being — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 11:26:19 GMT

Thank you Esti67

This situation is so complex. I have come to the realisation that half life is not going to work for either of us. In the end our true self is who we should be honest to. I see his pain, anger and desperation to stay in a ‘straight’ marriage. He hides his true self, when there is no need to. He could have so much support, our kids don’t care as we have several same sex couple close friends,

You are so strong to be honest. Give your husband time, but remind him he deserves 100% in relationship, just like you do. You still share so much love, but not the love that a marriage needs.

I wish you so much happiness and the freedom that will come with being your true self.

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Esti67 — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 12:23:58 GMT

Hi Tired of Being, thanks for your reply. As far as our situation goes i think we have turned a corner today. I misunderstood his time in processing the situation for denial which meant i was becoming worried that he hadnt quite understood what i was saying and that this would be swept under the carpet and we'd be back to square 1. In reality he just needed time. We had a really nice talk today about wanting eachother to be happy, the dating scene (dread) and also how we are going to deal with family, friends and the community we live and work in. Im prepared to take whatever happens and dont really care what people think but i do worry that my family have to deal with gossip.We live in a suburb which isnt very diverse and have been very involved in the community through schools and sports. I couldnt agree more that both in the relationship deserve 100%. Something lovely he said when i told him it wasnt his fault and I'm so sorry is that it wasnt mine either. He didn't have to say that but it was very appreciated. I hope you both find a way forward- he probably has a lot of guilt which is tied up in self loathing, love for his family and lets face it - mess. It will work out for you all in time but i would suggest you contact women partners of bisexual men service. They work from Leichardt Womens and have a website.I noted you live in a small country town. They are a specialist service and they will help . I think you have shown incredible strength at a time when you could have been really horrible to your husband. Looking at some other posts in this section some couples have been very damaged by this. The way you have handled this tells me you are an amazing mum, partner and person. I hope it all works out. Please be kind to yourself

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Johnny_11 — Fri, 28 Sep 2018 12:39:02 GMT

Hi tired

this is a hard situation for everyone involved, I’m going through my own.

your husband grew up in a society, culture and, most likely, a family that told him he was not normal, damaged, broken, evil, etc etc he would have felt alone, had no one to help him.

I know every time I would blow out the candles on my birthday, Id only wish for one thing, to not be gay. I’m sure your husband had similar experiences.

For me, it caused a lot of self hate. It’s very hard to like this part of yourself, harder to admit it and even more so to embrace it.

When your husband married you, I’m sure he did love you, and he honestly was expecting he would be faithful, being with you would have made him forget about his attractions to men but unfortunately they don’t go away

im not trying to justify your husbands actions, I think he just can’t express all the mixed feelings he’s going through, and itd help you hearing it from someone ina similar situation

John

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Ruby__2 — Fri, 28 Sep 2018 16:24:43 GMT

Hi,would like to know how life is going for you atm?

Support is here. I really get what is happening!Not only has he come out after 32yrs, but has also been diagnosed with lung cancer!to op it all off,I have have had a bad fall which may need surgery-yay!!!

I do wish you well and hope things are progressing. Remember, it is not the event, but how we deal with it that matters .

Wishing nothing but the best.Here if you just need to vent or ramble cc

Ruby 2

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Esti67 — Sun, 30 Sep 2018 13:19:37 GMT

I was also wondering how Tired is going and also you too Ruby - sounds like life isn't so great for you? Glad these forums are here for us all, whatever our situation.

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Ruby__2 — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 10:53:50 GMT

Hi Etsi67,

Life has certainly thrown us all a curve ball.It is good to have these forums,to see other people's views and how they cope.We can all help each other in some way.

I am glad you feel you and your husband have reached a turning point.We are finding that talking and then talking some more has helped. If you can't say it now,when.Life can never be certain, but we can try to live it with integrity. Being honest with each other has brought me a lot of clarity.

I have to stay and support my husband through his illness, because I do still care for him.It is like we have gone back to how we started-mates,flatmates,just a lot older.

I have dealt with my disappointment etc.I cannot picture us not keeping not caring about each other.But I also have to be pragmatic and have been socializing and living my own way,instead of being tied to the wishes and expectations of a spouse.

Hang in there, life will get better-you have taken the first step by allowing yourself to be you.Keep going.

I feel I'm rambling a little-hard to gather a million thoughts together lol.

Thanks for your concern,I hope things are going easier for you.

Ruby

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Esti67 — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 11:55:45 GMT

Thanks Ruby,

We are muddling along and its ok. Kind of. Like you, not where i thought I'd be at 51 but I knew my same sex attraction would surface somewhere. Even though I'm on the other side i do feel for you both as women because we are so used to being the heartbeat of the family and being responsible for most of the day to say decision making, to then be faced with a situation which is so out of our control is heartbreaking. I hope you and your husbands health improve and that in time all of you can remain friends despite what has happened.

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Definitely_Otherwise — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:50:35 GMT

Hi Ruby,

Your husband must be in a bit of disbelief of where his life is at, and he must be scared about his diagnosis. The treatment process will be long and drawn out. I hope that he responds well. He probably needs a few different sorts of professionals to help him get through the physical illness and the psychological impact.

It really comes across in your posts how determined you are to not give up on connection and moving forward with your own life. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, a lot of people reach 50 and completely resign themselves to leaving their life as it is, even if they are incredibly unhappy, even so miserable to the point it affects their mental health and emotional well-being. They will create an internal narrative for themselves, which sometimes borders on delusion to resist change, avoid loss and not take any risks. You certainly do not come across like that.

You’re a really strong women, and I think it’s awesome and wonderful to see a chick not dismissing her needs and the potential to experience intimacy and connection for herself, as if it is less important than a male spouse. There is so much pressure on women to be the care-giver of everyone. Your husbands situation is absolutely awful but it doesn’t invalidate how hard your side must be and your raw emotions shouldn’t be dismissed and replaced with pressure to continue life as it is, like some sort of eerie silent film. You don’t want to create more resentment that bubbles underneath so I think it’s fantastic that you’re getting out there………….and if you meet someone else, you meet someone else.

Your husband will have a lot of regret in is heart for having lived an incomplete life for so long and then to be thrown this diagnoses….gosh, that’s so hard.

Even though you said you’re living like mates and flat mates, and of course there is that sense for the loss of what was, I think his really blessed to have your mateship around him right now.

Def

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Ruby__2 — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 13:12:59 GMT

Hi to Esti and Def,

I appreciate your insights as the gay spouses-but why label.We all hurt whether straight or gay but we all seem to still have kind of love for them.

My Dr said to me once do what feels right for you.The emphasis on YOU.

We all know who we are and our capabilities-takes a crisis to discover, but we find ourselves eventually.

Thank you both for your words of hope and encouragement. I do wish the same for everyone here.We think it's just us but a real eye opener to discover this situation is more common than we think.

Support here has been a life saver for me.Hubby has started treatment,so far all good.Kids have been helping, which has been great to see they still support him no matter the circumstances. Must have done something right in raising them lol.

Great to hear the 'other'perspective.Thanks for your concern and input.I bear no malice,just want everyone to be their true selves.Life is hard and sometimes short.If friendship and love can prevail,then why can't we.

Good luck with moving on Esti-you do deserve to be you and to Def-how eloquently you expressed my situation and I do appreciate your support. Although sometimes I don't feel as strong as you paint me .

Thank you both

Ruby

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Ruby__2 — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 13:22:48 GMT

Hi Tired,

Just touching base. Hope things are looking up for you .Did you go to counseling?Seek some for yourself if anything.

Still here if you need to vent,ask questions.

Wishing you a good outcome for all xx

Ruby

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Definitely_Otherwise — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 21:43:47 GMT

Hi Ruby,

Good to hear that your husband has commenced treatment. Just when he's recovering from a breakdown he's now having to find the mental strength to get through his diagnosis. That must be so taxing on him. But his secret was clearly making him sick, and it's taken a big toll on his body.

Your head must be spinning a bit. You must be in a bit of disbelief as to the path your life has taken.

But I think what's great is that you haven't given up on life. And neither has your husband. You haven't resigned.

You said that this situation is 'common', and I agree. But I think it is much more common to continue hiding it, burying it, and conforming. People do not want to lose their secure base. Some of the gay men I have met in this situation, I feel, confuse love with gratitude. They've said "but I love my wife so much, maybe I can just remain living like this"........and I've always thought to myself......of course you do! She's provided safety, security, a shield from judgement and a nurturing place where you don't have to be an outsider and a part of an minority group. You get to meld in, while you fortify yourself behind her, and experience all the benefits of social acceptance. Sounds pretty snug and cosy to me.

But the reality is Ruby you deserve more than this. If you're with someone romantically, you deserve to know that they reciprocate all of those deep feelings, attraction and desire in its totality. Not just the stuff of family and comfort, while your partners mind is wandering off fantasising about the same sex.

It will be a long journey for you and your husband.

Grief and loss are some of the hardest emotions anyone has to face in a lifetime. Some do it better than others. But I reckon you guys will be Ok, and acceptance will come in time.

Def

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Esti67 — Sun, 07 Oct 2018 08:41:28 GMT

Thanks Ruby,

I agree that our situations are very common, more than people realise and being on these forums are a great sense of support for us all.

All the best