topic So what am i,,? in Sexuality and gender identity

So what am i,,?

G76 — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 09:43:21 GMT

Hi all.

Im a single 42yr male..always felt different never fit in,self harm and drug abuse have been the norm for me.I never could relate to females in the sexual sense but always found em to be good friends..i could never sleep with any till the age of 26 and that was purely cause the woman knew i was struggling..im an average looking fella i keep in shape am no brad pitt but not half bad..all my life both gay and straight men and women keep asking if im gay.why do they always ask me this do they see sumthn i dont..,?

I have found i find beutiful people attractive not necesarilly either..i do find men attractive but could neva find a way to be with a guy either.i would always find myself walking out of the room b4 any thing could happen btween either girl or guy.like i said i neva had sex till i was 26yrs.i have no kids nor friends as most have gone there own way but i have always been a shy person and awkward around people.but am pretty sure i have a gay preference,,so whats wrong with me,?? im fine physically but up stairs just blocks me from bing with any1..im a good person i think..so why am i so isolated,,?

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 11:08:10 GMT

Hi G76 welcome ☺

People might ask because you're single but I don't know

Does it bother you that you think you're gay? What I'm getting at is if it does that could be what's holding you back or do you think shyness maybe making it difficult

You're not old so there's still time to meet people, do you get out much or have time around people but on saying that it's surprising where & when we meet up quite often when we least expect

Maybe you just need time to get to know someone first & feel comfortable with them especially being shy I would imagine be hard to be at ease with people & I think there's a lot more shy than not actually

I'm around most of the time if you feel like talking more please feel free to anytime

So what am i,,?

G76 — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 12:40:02 GMT

I do have a big problem meeting people as i find it hard to break the ice..and being gay dosent really bother me as much theese days as id rather be happy than alone and know where i stand.

however i do worry how any1 else will view me..most days i am on my own either at work or excersising alone..and in public it feels like ev1 is staring at me like they no sumthn i dont..i have tried to talk about this with face to face counceling but just end up lieing i dont trust em..

gay dreams and fantasies arent uncomon for me..i do have a female partner but we are an odd couple as in she is older and most people think she is my mother as i look young..

we have been tgether near 17yrs we met cause she basicaly just picked me up and was my 1st sexual partner of any type..i told her when we 1st met that we can be together so i dont look so gay but was half joking at the time but now i rekon i was serious looking back..i told her i was gay the other day but she rekons im bi.

I rekon im bi too but with gay preference. But if it wasnt for her i still dont think i would of slept with any1 and we live apart

The upstairs stuff is a massive concern i cant be with any1 and neva am the 1 to have a go with her she always puts it on me we havnt slept together in years..i just dont know anymore im not stayn in this relationship any longer she knows this as its time for both to moove on and have talked about moovn on but am worried that i will just end up alone again i have had only a few girlfriends and 2 sexual relations being alone realy worries me as my brain starts telling me i will neva meet any1 and i rekon its right..i dont know

Thanx for listening but i do need help with this..

So what am i,,?

Sophie_M — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 21:13:00 GMT

Hi G76, welcome to the forums. Have a read through the thread below, you may identify with some the experiences being discussed there:

Asexuality

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 21:50:02 GMT

Hey G7

Good on you Sophie I'll have a squiz too sometime was going to mention this thought today but dont know much about it

G7 you're welcome ☺ & you're definately not alone with feeling self concious, breaking the ice being difficult & not wanting to be judged wrongly, even most confident & there's wayyy less than more people that are (many fake it) people would still have these feelings sitting in the background.

In regard to shyness which would be hard I wonder if therapy might be able to give you some strategies to help also self help training could build your confidence which can be achieved by focusing on your good points which can take time but with open thought & searching most of us have them in spades, people can be good at diminishing our self belief

Maybe when you're exercising you could slowly practise eye contact & hi to people, don't know if you do that anyway which is a good start to breaking the ice.

Entirely your call, I throw thoughts out there to think about, wondering do you think it wise to cut ties completely with your lady friend, 17 yrs sounds like there's a friendship which'd be a shame to sever & could create more feelings of loneliness & yes loneliness is a hollow existance I think most of us need people

Good logical thinking btw about knowing where you stand sexually, the Yes vote was over 61% & many as I didnt which I would have didnt vote im a kiwi (magic 😉) dont have to vote but unfortunately missed chance to so most people are ok about gay as we should be imo

Bud I reckon don't give up on your chances for companionship & love & that can put a dark blanket on your chances too, we never know what's around the corner trust me time does change our situations

Keep talking bud, happy to be here for you ☺

Hope your days good

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 05:11:19 GMT

G7 was thinking a couple of reasons people could look at you may not be because they're judging you as such it could be for good reasons that you said you keep yourself fit & ok looking also its a natural thing people do is look at others, we're a curious bunch of bods

This is part of being self concious which is one of depressions tendrils, can be overcome with confidence building as mentioned above

Hope your days good ☺

So what am i,,?

G76 — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 08:23:14 GMT

Ok. So i read through the thread about asexual peeps and i get that .i can identify with bits of most posts.but i still rekon mine is a confidence thing along with gay tendancies just to confuse me even more..i crave sex..on and off..of course.but can go long periods without sex

Its good to know im not alone here i realy do thank you all.wish i coulda looked at this 20sumthn yrs ago instead of feeling like a freak cause im the only1 that neva has a girl..the gay attraction ect.how do i deal with it if i cant find the confidence to simply walk in a shop and buy a pair of jeans

So apart from gay sex..what would be the one single thing that defines you as gay..?(or like me bi with gay preference,)?...i just want a guidline to measure incase i sleep with a guy i dont just slip into depression..u know what u mean there..all this is having an impact on me emotionaly..so dont wana talk myself into it then regret it..but the signs are there..yeah,,?..or just confused,,?or to shy to deal with it,,?so go on living like a freak

So what am i,,?

Sad_Mushroom — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 08:40:17 GMT

Hi G7,

Nicely get rid of the partner and move on.

You obviously have bi or gay feelings and leading others on (this woman) isn't going to end up well for you.

Just go with the flow. You do NOT have to decide anything until you decide. It is not a race.

Take your time and be honest to you. It will happen eventually.

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 09:49:35 GMT

G7 hey & Mushy 🙂

Not at all saying to leave here, this is your space and I'll always be back if you post but also what could be of help to is here there's a LGBTI thread I think which I haven't yet explored but you could potentially get a lot of clarity from there too.

I haven't yet checked out the asexual thread but one day will

I'm same as you Bi, only been with one chook and wowsa so maybe like you stronger gay tendancies, not sure but agree with Mushy try not to put too much pressure on yourself cause it's eating at you.

The reason before I asked if you're ok with being gay is I wondered if home life or friends growing up or school which for so long it's stupidly closed mindedly been ridiculed was in your mind but glad you're ok with where you're at having gay tendancies.

I know shyness is a problem for you with help & internal work I believe in time you can find it easier to deal with (bearing in mind a lot of people too are same so you're not alone there) do you feel you could join a gay group somewhere.

I think what would define you as being gay is being attracted (sex or not) with same sex. I guess also if you feel you'd be happier with a bloke than a chook.

You could to add to your confusion that's really helpful to you lol, be tri, as in experimenting because you're not sure yet though I think you do know.

One of the first things that I'd like you to stop thinking about yourself towards self confidence, is that you're a freak, far from it, there's absolutely nothing wrong or strange about how you're feeling, heterosexuals go through pretty much this too

What I do suggest is don't rush into anything unless you want to that is. As you say you don't want to feel regret later.

Could do a search here bud top R) for anything on building confidence, there's a great deal of helpful threads around here and if not maybe start one. I do know one thread that's very good, "Do you like yourself" if I haven't worded it properly I'll get back. IT's by Blondguy a lovely Community Champion here, good people all through here you won't get any grief from anyone.

You're very welcome btw 🙂

Care & support

So what am i,,?

G76 — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 11:00:51 GMT

Id realy love to say that ur help is so much appreciated.you have no idea(well if any1 would you peeps would)how good it feels to know ur not so alone after all..u peeps save lives..i hope u realise that..thanx we all luv u for that

Can i be gay without bing with a man..?how would i go about trying to put it on a bloke anyway,?.just hit em up weather theyd wana have a crack or im up for it if they are,?im a pretty honest guy but also outatouch with people..i can relate to post from gay and asexual peeps.?so still not 100% that i will be ok with it..i had close calls with gay guys but like i said always have my brain get in the way .but now days think id be more receptive to an advance..i still rekon id neva of been with any1 if it wasnt for be bing honest in the 1st place.but its embarrassing for me..crippleing embarrasment has near destroyed me..but wat have i got to be embarrased about.? Right,?

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 12:36:17 GMT

Thanks budz lovely of you to say that 🙂 You're a pleasure and I mean it to talk to, I like that you're open to anything discussed and that you're open full stop about everything. This isn't easy for many and you're going really well honestly

Maybe part of your concern could be that you haven't yet been with a bloke do you think

I reckon even confident people would fear rejection, it's the ultimate really so to avoid a down maybe when and I'm sure you will one day meet someone as you have in the past play it by ear, let them make the first move, from what I hear peoples Gaydar knows who is and not a fair bit of the time not always though.
If you get talking to someone as the convo flows you'll get an idea and I'm pretty honest too but probs with that is we open ourselves to rejection but that's also a blaghh part of life but at least we know where we stand which is better than not knowing.

What about if you think they're interested, saying something like I just want to be honest with you and let you know I'm Bi and say exactly how you feel. Takes a lot of courage but you'd know where you stand by their reaction
But maybe the easier way could be sliding into the convo about the Yes vote, suss em that way maybe a gentler way of going about it. That's if you meet someone not in a gay bar

"Can I be gay without being a man" I'm not sure what you mean but if you mean can you be both YES, I nursed with some very blokey gays. Be yourself as much as you can, that's who they'll be attracted too.

Again my opinion not bible, if you're attracted to a bloke sexually I'm not sure you would have regrets unless you have subconscious feelings that it's wrong which it's not at all.

You've been open all the way but I'm reluctant to ask this because I'd hate to offend or be too personal so please don't feel obliged to answer this ok.
Reason I'm asking is because you're not sure if you could be asexual but the fact you have strong sexual desires I'm guessing but don't know for sure of course you don't sound asexual, my understanding is asexual is don't enjoy sex. So question is when you've been with chooky, did you enjoy sex but also that doesn't necessarily conclude anything either because a lot of it's down to chemistry and attraction.

Maybe the embarrassment was fear of rejection? Quite normal and understandable.

So what am i,,?

marcus_c — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 23:53:57 GMT

Hi G76, thought you might find it helpful to have a response from a gay man, given some of the questions you're asking. It can be a bit hard for non-gay people to give answers to these things as they don't know first hand what it's like.

It might help to break this down a bit, because while it all feels like a big confusing mess, you're actually talking about three different things. One is sexual orientation, which is how you choose to identify (gay, straight, bi, etc). Then there is sexual attraction, who do you find attractive? And finally sexual behaviour, which is what you actually do. All three of these things can be different. You can be attracted to men, but only ever or have slept with women. You can identify as straight, while having feelings about memebrs of the same sex, or even be having actual flings.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no shame or embarrassment because your combination of these three things seems to be less obvious than what you see in the media, or in your social group.

If you do decide to move on from your current relationship, this might be a time to explore what this means for you. There are lots of websites and apps out there that will let you chat to guys and ask some of the questions you need to, including some of the more explicit stuff that we can't talk about here. You're not the only one who will be in this situation in their 40s, some guys don't think about this until they hit their 60s or later. It's a scary, fun, exciting journey finding out who you are.

So what am i,,?

G76 — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 07:47:21 GMT

I realy enjoy talkn this out.im feeling much beta about it...so orientation..i see myself as bi with more gay tendancies than straight..also i am attracted to men and women..i only been with women as bing with a man has been a scary thought for me.but i had a dream the other night about bing with a guy at 1st it was a confronting dream. the next day was walkn down the street and caught myself checking out a guy.so i asked myself would i go there ?and the answer was yes.thatd be pretty awsome..and iv had betta dreams b4 than that with guys and always find myself checkn em out and had this going on i think all my life but just pushed em back but lifes gettn on and id like to sort the shynes out and that....i think the shynes is always there but come to think about it i think its more embarresed of bing sexualy excited. In a group of people often wont talk a peep.and often get the..wats the matter with you..wich is realy anouying by the way as often im enjoying myself and getn askd that just puts a spotlight on the fact i havnt said a word in the last hour..but then if im with sum1 and it gets to the point where we start getting into it..i find i pull away and walk out..my 1st partner took 3days of sleeping in the same bed and not mooving except shower food and bathroom or that just 3days o trying to be comfortable enuf..so if thats the case what hope have i got of having a nice enjoyable 1st time experience with a same sex partner..?..it definatly makes it difficult..hopefully not impossible..also i ment can i be gay without bing with a man..?

So what am i,,?

G76 — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 09:03:51 GMT

D.B. you have the most loving sole i personaly have met in a person.i hope life gives u the same love and attention that u give others..sorry i was just checking out anotha post and saw u giving much needed warmth to others u are the best..u know that..i have posted a reply to the previous but did it from the top o the page but so not sure if that worx...but i hope u see this cause i want u to know i mean this with all my heart the way i feel now compared to how i felt wen i 1st joined are like two different people and i credit this to you..wish the rest o the world were like you..maybe i wouldnt be as shy and awkward...mmmmnwwwhhhaaa..that was a big kiss

So what am i,,?

G76 — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 09:17:23 GMT

D.B..just to show you how much of a difference you make on all our lives including mine..im guna treat every person as though they were you..just incase one of em is so that i can repay what u have done for me...even though i know u do it for luv not recognition..u made the world around me a betta place

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 13:58:09 GMT

Ahhhhh WOW what a LOVELY thing to say you dear thing, Thankyou so much, jeez I'm sooo touched, (But we know that 🙂 , honestly that was really sweet, you just filled my heart. Thanks again
Yes most people are lovely to me, emphasis on most and they pretty much don't see the lovely DB lol, no lady at times but only if they deserve. Bloody shame we have to defend ourselves and I do mostly. My god I think I'll frame that post lol

I'm so glad because I was worried I might be going too personal but you seemed so open that I thinks a great thing for people, I too try to be as well, it's easier that way, people can either like or not from there, mind you on saying that I do at times pick my audience

Yeah so from the looks it sounds but I don't know of course, that you're on the right track being Bi with gay preferences so sounds like you're getting that part sorted which is good.

Think I said I'm more an extrovert & have a fair bit of confidence but lonnnng way to go but then a lot more than many so getting there BUT have been in situations when I've felt shy and it's bloody awful, my reasons were extremely low self esteem, good old people, beaut parents so very lucky, so about being shy, do you know why, like is it because you're self conscious as in someone may not like what you say or laugh at you or put you down etc...now for my thousandth question have you been deeply or often hurt in your life from charmers (sarcastic emote) to cause shyness and yeah hear ya about people spotlighting you, I was so self conscious younger that even though I've always been pretty out there if someone said boo I'd not blush I'd go god damned scarlet & fair skin damn near have a stroke with embarrassment and of course idiots say OH LOOK how read she's going so went to OMG Crimson lol thank god I got over that, it settled with confidence growing. You could say straight up I'm shy but having a good time. A bloke one day at a club someone said same as to you and he said no I'm just quiet why does everyone think I have to talk and I said something along the lines of often when people are quiet they're down.

I reckon you just need to do the sex when you're ready, probs after the first couple of times, you'll be fine. For most people the first time's pretty scary, it's kinda a vulnerable time I guess, people wonder if they're performing right etc

Oops nearly outta characters

Thankyou so much wow what a boost, we'll get you sorted 🙂

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 20:54:59 GMT

G7 not sure if you've seen a couple of other replies above from other people here 🙂
Soz last post wasn't much about you, I raved on a fair bit about me, I'll blame mania for that job 😄

Been thinking about shyness. Few hundred more questions.

When you're around people do you feel nervous?

How's your overall confidence? I know you keep fit and looks are ok so physically you sound like no reason not to be confident in that area.

Maybe we need to work on your confidence, do you like yourself? I'm going to take a wild guess here and say majority of people mostly are about ? 30-65 % yes so again a guess but imo to overcome your shyness we'd be looking at about 60 ish % for you. Disagree by all means

There's a very good thread I may have mentioned by Blondguy, hell of good bloke called "Do you like yourself" I thinks the title if not I'll come back and correct & might have said this here already if so we can blame wobbly marbles lol.

Dad said yrs ago in life DB you need confidence, I said how but he was busy doing something so yrs it took but realised to gain it which is a shield we need to like ourselves, see we spend every living breath with ourselves only, no one else so it's a must for survival.
How I've started to make enormous progress is I lost my darling partner 3 yrs ago to leukaemia & apart from him loving me beyond (reciprocated) I knew we had friends and good ones but how many were sooo good & for so long during & after he left made me realise and a couple have said as well it's what I put out there is why people are so good to me, so I realised I must have goods happening.

The other way is to do with my plight to beat depression and help as many as possible on the way & after
is with the whole deal we need to look inside with an honest open mind & search, figure out what we're about what's good/bad (needing work). I believe most of us have goods in spades, that 75% people or more are good (with faults of course) even most mutts still have some good stuff in them, so it's finding these goods and another important plus is to believe in ourselves.

This is lesson 1 in confidence, please pay by cash only lol

So what am i,,?

G76 — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 06:24:38 GMT

D.B..

dont u take a nice rubbery check,?u can bounce it all the way to the bank..

well in my younger years growing up i was neva allowed to have an opionion or .face the concequences..not allowed to disagree and alot of the times even talk or walk close to the wrong person or again face the consequences if i rubbed shoulders..and not only at home but infront of my friends ect..i did end up giving it back to this person but not til my early twentys even though i knew i coulda put it ova them at anytime but was so emotionaly beaten just couldnt..growing up like this all my friends thought i was violent wen i was young. but ..it got to the point my friends would only invite me out if they were going to a dangerous area and go oh..shit beta call G7 incase theres dramas..but afta a while i saw this and if a mate startd his own drama told him to sort it out im not fightn your battles..as theyd always try and put on a tuff guy attitude wen i was around afta a few drinks..and start shit..then wen they realised i wasnt guna b there body gaurd i stoped getn invited..i think people look at me and think i am violent and agresive but im just not.i hate it..i can hold my own but only if i gota dfend..im not cuverd in tats..or that so cause im a quiet person and i guess they think i look agresive people dont know how to take me but that just makes me feel worse..today i was excersicing alone again and felt like every1 was doing there best to keep themselves and there familys away from the guy walkn round doing pushups ect..i hate violence i realy do..people that get to know me generaly have the opinion that im a top bloke i just wish i could have it in a letter to show the rest of the world..as it crushes me to think people think this way about me..i may have to join a group to show the rest o the world im just not that guy..

So what am i,,?

demonblaster — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 07:22:46 GMT

lol ...boing boing all the way back to you 😄 Oh btw glad for the kiss thx

I noticed you omitted who it was so plz don't ever think you have to say anything ok, only what you're comfy with. I'm guessing a parent but whoever the hell it was that sux big time, jeez it makes me friggen angry, why the hell do people have to let their shit out on others, that's our biggest mistake we do as a race I reckon. I'm truly sorry you had to go through that & that's common that the victim let's em have it later and I shouldn't condone it but sorry I get it. I think you did amazingly well to hold out for as long as you did, backs up what you said about hating violence, good on you. I love it on TV in action & stuff but once at a rough pub major scrap and all but maybe 2 others and I stayed in, mind you I was hooked to pokies so didn't wanna leave the machine lol nah it's crap didn't wanna see it & it was like savage, everyone wanted to watch. Bloody BS.

So I'm not a psych but it sounds like being inhibited has caused your shyness. Shaking my head. So that might also have something to do with you not being able to get close, like bolting when you start too, no derogatory there trust me, never! because I imagine with this person there was no closeness, I'm guessing but again don't say, it might have been your Mum (first I thought Dad but if it was her that may have swayed you from chooks as much & more for blokes dunno) I HATE what people do to eachother!

Forgive if I said already what about slowly ease into people, even if just a couple a day where you exercise, when you walk past em, how are you with eye contact & smiling which is fine if you don't smile but usually people say Hi I've noticed within about a couple of mtres of eachother when I'm walking. Easier to do this with 1 person or maybe 2 but even in a group there's often 1 at least that makes eye contact and says Hi or you could hi and nod & keep walking.
Another thing you could try if you like is to sit somewhere on a bench seat, leave room or sit where someone is say Hi & say something about anything, like if it's near water,comment on the water, most people answer but you feel who wants to talk or not bearing in mind I reckon most people are shy to a point. or good old weather or they may talk first. Do you feel nervous around peeps?

Great idea going to a club or group, nice going liking your grit to overcome this. Strength.
Crap friends good on you pulling away & standing your ground
talk anytime 🙂 x

So what am i,,?

G76 — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 07:29:48 GMT

I think ur right by the way..given the choice most people will do the right thing...i wish i could take back my life and be who i want to be but making a transition this big at this age is so difficult for me..i cant even go for a walk without feeling like a freak..if im hungry alot o the time i cant even walk into macas.id love to be wat i want to be but my confidence is so shot..

cause o u D.B..i have become more acceptive that i am who i am..but i always feel that for sum reason i gota prove it to the rest o the world..how can i find a person that feels wat i feel without my brain making me think im just a freak..u mentiond gay groups..any come to mind,??.i need to show that just cause im quiet i am still aproachable..i can talk in a group most times but find its a mask i wear.but it depends on the day as most times if im uncomfortable i say nuthn and i neva am in group situations anyway..then one on one the real me comes out if theyre not taking notes that is...b.t.w..i wish u neva had gone through the pain u have..i hate good people hurting and wish i could take a share of it to help..

i dont think i could just pick up any guy that put it on me..without knowing who they were so the gay club or club scene for me is outa the question..i hate bing me why am i always the guy that neva has a partner..just cause i cant talk..i hope i can just b me at some point..i think if sum1 would get to know me theyd realy like me..but why do girls always ask if im gay because im shy..just cause i flintch wen im touched or draw back

And i ment that about treating ev1 as if they were u..u have made that much of a difference..if thats the only way i can show u gratitude then thats wat i will do..

to gay or not to gay that is the question