topic Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay in Sexuality and gender identity

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Tue, 01 May 2018 11:55:02 GMT

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Jacko777 — Wed, 02 May 2018 00:14:39 GMT

Hi OIK,

I'm sorry to hear how you are going mate, you can confide in the people in this forum and you could do some word searches, there have been others before you that have been what you are going through, you are not alone.

Mate, get to a psychologist, ring BB for a recommendation if your GP is not forthcoming. You have nothing to lose by talking to a professional and working through your thinking. Look after yourself, your kids would prefer a gay dad over no dad. I am no professional but perhaps it is time to forget about what everyone else thinks for a minute so that you can really explore if this is the path you will choose.

Ring the BB support service, get some good support. I wish I could be more help.

All the best, talk any time, Jack

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

marcus_c — Wed, 02 May 2018 04:00:34 GMT

Hi Only I know, you sound exhausted mate, and at breaking point. A friend of mine has the saying, "secrets keep you sick", and by the sounds of what's happening to your body, it's just crippling you right now.

There is a really great help service called Qlife, google them and they'll come up. They have a phone line, and they should be able to help you take some steps to get a psychologist referral.

Please keep chatting here too, there seem to be a lot of guys in similar situations posting here at the moment, so you are not alone, as crap as that must feel.

I was lucky enough to realise that I was gay at a younger age, but I can identify with the terror you're feeling at coming out to family and friends. Trust me that there is life on the other side. Hang in there.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Wed, 02 May 2018 06:02:57 GMT

Jacko/Marcus, I really appreciate the kind words of support. Jacko, what you said about my kids preferring a gay dad over no dad, really hit home. Of course, it made me cry - and I have to admit that I'm tired of crying, but it offered me a moment of absolute clarity, something I hadn't had for a long time.

I didn't get any sleep after posting last night, I just lay in bed crying at how unfair life was. When my wife came to bed I cuddled her, and I thought that it may end up being the last time I did. I ended up getting up and watching tv until I was so exhausted that my head felt like it was going to explode.

I took the day off work today, I haven't been very productive stressing about it all. I had to take my car into the car yard for a safety recall, and my wife came and picked me up. On the way home she asked me if I wanted to talk, and I just said yes. She started to stress out when she saw the tears. She's been really worried about me the last few weeks. When we got home, I sat down and just balled my eyes out, and she didn't know what to do other than put her hand on my leg.

And I told her. I can't believe that I actually told her! It was a huge relief. And what's more, she was so awesome. she was more concerned about my mental health than anything. About a year ago, she had confronted me about some images I had looked at online, which I had denied. So it wasn't a total surprise to her and she told me that she loves me anyway. we chatted for about an hour, and she told me that she was upset, but we have had 20 years of a very loving marriage and she said that that gave her comfort.

She doesn't want me to move out, which I am relieved about as I have nowhere to go. she also is still prepared to give me a hug and kiss. She is an awesome woman, and just cements in the fact of why I've loved her so much, and why it is so hard letter her know.

I had no right to, but I asked her if she would not "out" me, except to her best friend so she had someone to talk to as well. And she amazingly said that she didn't - that she isn't angry.

I don't for a minute think that the road is going to be easy, I'm sure it will have challenges, but I think I am finally on the way.

Posting here was hard, and thank you both for your suggestions. I googled Qlife and I will call either them or BB, but I just need to get the courage to do that too. The old "one day at a time". I want to get out and see if there are any support groups I can go to as well.

Thank you again Team.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Happy_Man — Wed, 02 May 2018 08:57:43 GMT

Hi, great to hear you have a supportive wife mate. Just keep talking to her and a shrink. Our wife’s are our wife’s for a reason. They know us and just like you, mine is more concerned about me than herself. It’s a long road ahead, don’t make plans and don’t, don’t go and explore your sexuality until you have decided what to do in your marriage. Just like you, the weight has come off and I am a healthy person now for sharing my secret. Just keep breathing brother and talking. All the best.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Jacko777 — Wed, 02 May 2018 13:57:04 GMT

Wow OIK! (You may have to change your name now!) You did it mate! Well done for taking what was a huge step.

You now have some space, to make a few calls and talk to the pros, keep up that awesome bravery and keep taking some small step each day. You can be anonymous when you ring BB, turn down the emotion, just do it!

You are indeed on a new path mate, congratulations, with professional support you can work out where to head next and how to get there. Each day you should take some satisfaction from knowing that you had the courage to bust a move, to head towards greater clarity, peace and happiness. I'm really proud of you mate.

Jack

PS I thank your wife for her great love, understanding and compassion.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Thu, 03 May 2018 08:58:10 GMT

G'day HM & Jacko, thanks again for the support and sage advice. HM definitely agree - exploring my sexuality is not something I will do until I am clear on what I'm doing. I'm nowhere near knowing. It pains me to think that one day I may not be coming home to my wonderful family. I know that they'd still be there, but I love coming home here. Frankly, although I know what I desire, it completely scares the crap out of me.

Jacko, you made me laugh - something I haven't done for a little while. Yes, after I told my wife yesterday, I did think that a name change may be appropriate! I think though I'll leave for now! It'd now be "Only 3 know" but that I think, will keep rising over time!

Today I did take another step, I told my boss. He was pretty bloody amazing as well. I firstly told him that I was having some very personal issues and struggling, particularly around the thoughts of me dying etc. Mainly due to me taking yesterday off sick, and potentially I may need more time off. Then after we had chatted for a while, I asked him for his permission to tell him something and I did, he didn't even bat an eyelid. He was so very supportive. We work for a largish company and they are really good, they have an employee assistance program that covers the costs of psychologists etc and he got me the info. Good, yet another option.

I'm yet to make a phone call, that is hard, but then I think about the 2 people I've now already told, and wonder why I find it hard? maybe it's the fact that the roller coaster is rattling along and I now cannot get off, and not sure how bumpy it will get.

I know I need to, I thought today was going to be a tear free day, but I was wrong. It worries me a bit, I don't know how I actually got to work, I remember backing out my drive, but nothing until I was pulling into the carpark, I'd been crying all the way to work.

My wife told me today that she was angry most of the day, and I can't blame her. I said to take out on me if she needed to, but she's just too awesome. I think that I would actually like her to, that may sound silly, but I think it would make me feel better myself.

thanks again for your support, it is making a difference. A week ago, If anyone told me that what today would look like, I would have told them they were crazy.

Good night!

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Jacko777 — Thu, 03 May 2018 12:09:29 GMT

Great stuff OIK, great stuff. Keep that momentum going.

You have a few options for professional support now, choose an option and get the ball rolling. Psychs deal with these things often, you aren't going to surprise anyone I don't reckon. I know what it's like OIK, it feels like a massive step but in the end it will just be the first step of many and you will look back and wonder why you hesitated. So many things I have learnt about myself thanks to a professional, things that I couldn't see myself thanks to old useless mindsets. So many realisations that have reshaped my life and brought me much greater peace and happiness, it all took time, work and help.

I hope you can keep that line of communication open with your wife, I think it would be good to keep her informed of your plan to seek professional support.

When all else fails, don't forget to breathe, 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, not too deep, keep your focus on your breath, repeat 10 times or until calmness ensues.

All the best mate, Jack.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Tue, 08 May 2018 08:17:42 GMT

So I thought I'd start having a few good days since telling my wife, but not really. Though some haven't been as bad, there still not great.

My wife has been great, and very supportive, but seems to go in fits and starts. One minute happy to just talk, next minute I get emails with houses she's looking at for the future. I know that's good in one way, but in part, it feels like I'm being rushed. I get it, she needs to move at a pace she is comfortable with, and I will support what she wants. I guess I can't hang on forever, otherwise I wouldn't have come out.

She is looking at houses that have a granny flat on the property, so at least we can be near each other, and have no debt. This is just really great, and I know that I should be grateful. BUT, I wasn't quite ready to sell our house and move on yet, and I'm not sure it would really be a good idea. I don't know how I'd be able to move on, and potentially either one of us having a new relationship in the future. It would be really awkward if I wanted to bring home a guy, and it would be the same for her.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I'm not built that way, I just would not cope, but I think It would be really hard to be so near, and yet be so far, from my family.

I haven't told the kids yet, nor my folks or family. My wife has spoken to only 2 of her best friends and they were supportive too. I can't complain, but I feel so sick every single day. I thought I'd have a tear free day, but haven't.

I've been doubting that coming out was the right thing to do. But then think I couldn't have kept going, now with the dark thoughts I'd been having. Though I don't think that I would have done something stupid, I do wonder whether it was the beginning. Those that have done so in the past, must have started being depressed at some point, maybe just not realising it.

I have an apt with a Psychologist on Friday, and am hoping it will help.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Jacko777 — Tue, 08 May 2018 11:19:12 GMT

G'day OIK,

I'm glad you have an appointment on Friday mate, I reckon it will help. I think you are right in saying that you couldn't keep going the way it was, something had to change and you changed it. Main thing is, it's done now and we don't want to spend our time and energy on something we can't change. Keep it in the present moment, keep looking for the positive path.

Friday might be a good time obviously to make a plan for the short term, how to best inform your family, how to best manage the emotions that you are feeling. They are warranted feelings I would reckon OIK, this is a pretty big event for ones' life. I feel like you have no doubt that this is the right decision, it's going to be a bit raw for a while. But it really is the start of something great for you OIK, don't forget to breathe! Take some time each day to get on your mind completely off this, for half hour, focus on something positive and relaxing. Keep looking forward mate.

Jack

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Doolhof — Tue, 08 May 2018 22:11:35 GMT

Hi OIN,

Congratulations on having the courage to ell your wife and your boss how you feel. Hope the session on Friday goes well.

I'm wondering if it may be beneficial to have a counselling session with your wife, so you can both openly talk about your thoughts and plans for the future. It sounds like your wife is finding ways to move on in her own way.

It may be beneficial to suggest to your wife that she talks to a counsellor or psychologist herself.

There may also be some family counselling available somewhere for when you do tell the children.

Change of any kind can take a little adjusting to. Keeping communication open when possible will certainly help.

Wishing you and your family all the best in this new journey of discovery.

Cheers from Dools

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

C4 — Tue, 08 May 2018 22:11:46 GMT

Hi mate I was reading your story and mine almost mirrors yours except I haven’t got any children . I came out 11 months ago after 15 years marriage and I still find it hard to move forward maybe it’s because I lost my best friend my heterosexuality my manhood or maybe it’s because I’m scared of the future. My ex wife has forgiven me but it hasn’t helped my guilt about what I did to her and that I lied by not telling her the truth years ago but I think it’s about the guilt about me that I can’t accept. I still cry everyday and it’s hard when your older but I worry about a relationship with a man and it scares me being gay and I don’t know why maybe I’m scared I’ll die alone with no one to love . Things will get easier counselling will help that just remember your not alone and if you want to chat just message me ok . Best wishes

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Thu, 10 May 2018 08:55:43 GMT

thanks Jack/Dools & C4, the support is great thank you.

But I am sitting here, right now, and the sudden realisation of what I have done is hitting me square in the face. At some point I will have to move out, away from my kids, and the wife I have loved and received love from. I will have to find a place to live, and start over. But the majority of my salary will go to my family, I am scared as to what this means.

I'm starting to think I've made a big mistake. I had a wonderful home and loving family, good job, great friends, took o/seas holidays. Now I only see bleakness, and poverty, living off the generosity of others. I had not considered how I would afford to live. If I hadn't have come out, or even waited a few more years, then it may have been easier.

I really hope the psychologist can help, as I'm starting to despair.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Jacko777 — Thu, 10 May 2018 11:22:17 GMT

Hang in there OIK, tomorrow will help for sure.

One step at a time mate, see what your appointment brings in terms of your thinking. Remember how you felt 10 days ago? You couldn't keep that going, it was affecting your whole life. Remember the relief you felt when you told your wife?

Instead of 'bleakness', think 'brave new world'.

I defend your brave decision to go public OIK, you seem to have no doubt that you are gay and finally you can start a new journey, being true to your self. If you are doubting that you are gay I guess they might be a chance of reversing this decision?

Let us know how you go, Jack.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Thu, 10 May 2018 14:05:21 GMT

Jack, I don't doubt that I am gay, I've known that all my life. Thought about it every day. It's the outing myself that I doubt. I wish I hadn't or that at least I'd waited and thought it through. I don't have anywhere to go, my folks are about to go overseas. They dont know that my marraige is over. My wife wants to move on much quicker than I expected. Everything I have is shared, even our friends. I'll have no home and no money, in what looks like a very short time.I think it is time to go for a walk on this cold wintery Melboune night to clear my head. Thanks for your continued support and you kind words.

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Jacko777 — Thu, 10 May 2018 22:51:09 GMT

'Thought it about it every day.'

I wonder how different it would have been had you 'waited and thought it through'. Try not to get caught in the what ifs, it's done now and you want all your energy in the moment, to find the best ways to move forward.

The things that are concerning you, the kids, family, money, you can work through these things, they can be managed with care. You haven't been here before mate, it makes sense that it could be daunting and scary.

Through tough times for myself I find it important to let the sadness flow as it will, but in between these moments I try to divert my attention, right off the subject. Decide what can be done, be doing it, then practice letting it go when it keeps popping up in the mind, know that you are doing everything you can. In the end the only thing we can control is between our ears.

It would have been freezing out there last night. OIK you are heading for some of the greatest times in your life, like everybody else's life it will be a bit dysfunctional, a bit edgy, but it will still be great.

Have a great day today, I will indeed be thinking of you.

Jack

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Fri, 11 May 2018 13:02:37 GMT

Well what a rollercoaster it is. Last night was probably my lowest so far. My midnight walk out in the cold wet freezing Melbourne night found me looking out over the free way. My faith in humanity restored somewhat, with a couple of people stopping their cars to ask if i was ok, and then not just accepting, having called the police. They came and picked me up and after ascertaining that I was ok, took me home. First time EVER in the back of a police car! It was a humbling experience to have concerned strangers, 2 police cars and 6 police officers all there taking care of me.

Psychologist was ok too, suggesting that I may need a number of sessions, so I've been to the dr to get a mental health plan initiated.

Had a great conversation with my wife and i think we may have turned a corner. She has a psychologist appt Monday now, and my works employee assistance program will also cover my wife and kids to gave sessions.

I told my brother in law as well, and i cannot believe it but he was so supportive. He told me that he felt sorry that i had felt the need to hide, that it must've been so disempowering and to do so for 35years. Told me that he will be around and help me through whatever i need, as well as being there for my wife. His goal is my happiness & health, despite his sister being the one i have hurt.

It gave me the encouragement to also tell my 16yo son. That was hard, but what an amazing kid i have. He didn't bat an eyelid. Told me that he couldn't ever hate me. He didn't care that i was gay, he was sad about his mum & I, but understood. He only cried when i told him how dark my thoughts were. I had thought about not telling him about those but i felt that it would be disrespecting him, and not trusting his maturity. He cried that i had been reduced to that low level, and said he was there for me. He hugged me and would not let go.

I now feel the best i have in 7 weeks. I realise that there will still be struggles, but i now believe i can do this and come out the other end happy. I have still cried today, but not all the tears were of grief, humiliation and pain. Many were of happiness.

I am so god damn fortunate.

On top iif all this, the swannies win the beyond blue cup in a hard fought contest!

And i am smiling as i lay down my head to sleep rather than crying!

What a freakin freaky day!😁

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Doolhof — Fri, 11 May 2018 21:47:39 GMT

Hi OIK,

Wow! What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing what is unfolding for you.

How amazing to realise that people do care enough to stop and ask if a person is okay and to call the Police as well.

It is wonderful you have been able to talk more with family members and can see things a little more clearly now.

It is really difficult to make hard choices in life. Congratulations for having the guts to do so!

Cheers from Dools

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Birdy77 — Fri, 11 May 2018 22:14:05 GMT

Hello OIK, and team

What an amazingly incredible and inspiring story.

Look at how your life has changed on the past 11 days!!

I read your latest post through tears of my own.

How wonderful of your wife, your brother-in-law, your gorgeous son (a testament to you and your wife), your boss, those caring strangers ...

Thank you so much for sharing.

We're cheering for you.

🌻birdy

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Only_I_know — Fri, 11 May 2018 22:56:15 GMT

Thanks Dools & Birdy,

And people should never underestimate what talking to others does, doesn't matter who or where or whether you know their name, just having an ear to listen, how powerful it can be.

This forum was my first step to becoming happy, releasing who I am. Without this, and all of you supporting me, who knows where I'd be now? Long way to go, but I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the rest of my life!

Have a great weekend!