topic 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help in Sexuality and gender identity

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Bi_guy — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 04:33:06 GMT

Hi
A bit of an introduction. I’m a married bisexual guy and have been with my wife for 10 years. I always knew I was bi-curious but was convinced I was straight because I mainly only had emotional crushes on girls. This all changed ages 27 when I realised I still had a strong sexual desire for guys, almost exclusively Asian guys. It took me another three years to be comfortable identifying as bisexual. My problem is that, I love my wife so much, but I can’t help find I am more sexually attracted to Asian guys. It plays on my mind and I find it hard long term to cope with my primary sexual desire not being my wife. But I am confused because I don’t have much emotional response to guys and I don’t see like I could be with a guy long term and grow old together. My wife and I have built a life together and have a young son. She is at her wits end with my struggles with my sexuality. I just want to know if any other bisexual guys are the same and how do you cope? I find not viewing images or porn of attractive Asian guys helps because it lowers my desire for them. But I can’t help fear that I would be better with an Asian guy and embracing it may help the emotion come. But I don’t want to lose my life and my family on a whim. As you can see, my mind goes back and forth.

In short, if there are any bisexual guys who are similar or gone through something similar, I would love to know your thoughts.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Summer Rose — Mon, 05 Jul 2021 12:10:35 GMT

Hi bi guy

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I really feel for you and can certainly understand why you feel so torn. I want you to know that you have been heard and that I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time.

Unfortunately, I’m neither bi sexual or male and I don’t have the insights you’ve looking for. However, my response to your post will now bump your post back up to the top, and hopefully you will be able to connect with someone who can better help.

Kind thoughts to you

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

B_D — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 04:35:56 GMT

Hi Bi Guy,

Im in the same boat. Im 32, married to a woman and have a young kid. I have only in the past year or so come to terms with my bisexuality (though I have always kind of known) and am too having conflicting thoughts.

For what its worth. I feel like on the surface im curious, I'd like to have had the opportunity to be with men but fundamentally I love my wife and the life we're building and I can't face undermining that for the sake of my curiosity. Its a little sucky but I do believe that at the end of the day, if I could go back to a time when I could have explored more I'd still have wanted to end up with my wife.

The day by day is tough however, because you can't just throw feelings aside. But if your wife has reacted similarly to mine then there is part of her that feels threatened. So that needs to be respected (but I feel as though it comes from a misunderstanding of bisexuality - that we're sex hungry polygamists).

I don't have a silver bullet piece of advice for you. But I am with you, I understand, and you're not alone in your conflictions.

I am happy to keep this conversation going. All the best.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Here2Talk — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 05:27:37 GMT

Hi Bi Guy,

I am heterosexual, although I do believe that it could be more of a spectrum than most people would like to admit. I am a 30 year old married male too, and with kids also.

I think most people married or even just in long term relationships have wondered what different experiences would be like- for straight men, different women, group sex, insert experience here depending on the individual.

Theres a lot to unpack with your situation - young, married, with kids, in one relationship most of your life. You’re quite right to be concerned about the welfare of your wife and child. This means you are a good person. However there is also obviously your self who may be hurt by trying to suppress your sexuality.

Before worrying about whether or not to act on these feelings, I wonder if you could explore, psychologically, and with acceptance, exactly what the landscape of your sexuality looks like? E.g. You seem ashamed of watching gay porn.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

CalmCat — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 07:03:13 GMT

Hi Bi_guy,

Welcome to the forum and being so brave in sharing your story.

I have a friend that was married to a female for 13 years when he came out as gap (I believe he came out at 33), he now has a male partner and sees his three children that he had with his ex-wife weekly under a mutual agreement. There is nothing but love and understanding between him and his ex-wife.

I truly believe you'd be in the same boat with your wife and son if you were to part ways, stay strong and be true to yourself and love will naturally come your way.

Regards,

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Bi_guy — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 22:24:51 GMT

Thank you all for your very helpful and kind replies.

A lot has happened in the past week and my wife and I seem to have found a path forwards which is great.

I have entered a new period of full acceptance and so has my wife. We both realised we had been trying to suppress and make my male attraction side go away which was causing both of us unhappiness. This week I have used some gay porn without fear and with my wife in full knowledge and we are both happy. My wife also took some time to educate herself on bisexuality and followed some Instagram accounts which really helped to normalise this for her. She has been very encouraging to me joining bisexual and gay meetup groups in our city so I can build a community of people with a common experience - she has even offered to come to one group so she gets to meet other bi people to challenge her misconceptions and misunderstandings. It’s been a big week of change.

we Have also booked in with a specialist couples councillor who deals in exactly these issues so we are confident he can help us work through the long term.

In short, some true acceptance from us both and my wife realising I need to live my truth to be happy has made the world of difference.

The posts on this group have also been a great help in knowing there are others out there similar to me who make it work. My biggest fear is my fear of regret of never experiencing that side of me, but I’m hoping the psychologist can also help with that.

For anyone whose going through the same thing, hang in there and live your truth and things will work out. I’ve stopped stressing on the long term future and just acting on the present knowing the long term will take care of itself.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Bi_guy — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 22:27:03 GMT

Thank you B_D, your post was incredibly helpful. It’s amazing to see we have had an almost identical experience - sometimes on this journey it’s easy to feel like you are alone. I have posted an update on the main forum thread. Happy to keep the convo going - it’s important to have community and find people who truly understand.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Guest9337 — Sat, 10 Jul 2021 06:32:32 GMT

G'day Bi_guy,

Sounds to me like you've got things under positive control, epic mate!

We are all so lucky that today's aussie society is more accepting of bi identifying people.

Back in the 1980's when I was just a young teenager I expressed to my family that I was interested in getting an ear ring. Dad freaked right out and made clear, in his own special abusive way, that if I did get an ear ring I'd be kicked out of the home immediately, I was about 14.

Many years later when I had chosen to live elsewhere, as an adult, I experimented with my sexuality and discovered that some men are... well you know... attractive and fun in bed. Never did share that with family nor friends, but eventually after many broken relationships I was able to fully share with the woman who became my wife.

Wife also had misconceptions about bi's being hypersexual polygamists, but we sorted that out too.

So mate, you party hard and love the one you're with.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

B_D — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 09:39:13 GMT

I am so glad Bi_guy! And all power to you and your wife.

I was looking for some support for myself when I landed on your post and was relieved to know there was atleast one other person going through what Im going through. So, equally, thank you.

By you reaching out you've made me feel that little bit more normal and Im glad to hear your positive and encouraging breakthrough.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

James is here — Wed, 06 Oct 2021 09:38:18 GMT

Hi Bi_guy and others in this thread that are trying to make a marriage work in spite of the mixed orientations,

It's great that you are concerned for your wives through what must be a very difficult and confusing period for you. Likewise, your wives may have difficulty navigating this themselves. I am part of a group that offers support to straight people in mixed orientation marriages - we are LGBTI affirming and our policy is that everyone has a different path through this, some of our members are, like you, making their marriages work, others separate. The group is called OurPath:

https://ourpath.org

There is an Australian contingent that contacts will be put through to when they make contact. Your wives may find it helpful to join that group.

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

fluidangel83 — Sat, 23 Oct 2021 14:24:05 GMT

Be your Best you Brother and *big Hugs* because you are amazing

30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Fantastic_Mr_Fox — Mon, 25 Oct 2021 22:20:51 GMT

I'm glad you found a really good outcome all the best

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Bman87 — Fri, 12 Aug 2022 11:28:13 GMT

I’m in the same boat, would love further advice & information?. (Not sure if Bi or very active & curious) 30s Married to my beautiful dream girls healthy sex life. No romantic attraction to men, heavy interest in sexual activity though.

what’s the best way to explore, understand & accept? - I’ve partaken in countless causal hookups with like minded. Not sure what to do getting anxious about it all.

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

joeyy — Sat, 27 Aug 2022 21:25:42 GMT

I'm the same mate, no romantic attraction to men at all in a relationship sense, however sexually with a certain type, I am very curious with certain sexual activity. I have experimented a few times but never to the point where I am satisfied

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

mvrk — Thu, 20 Oct 2022 02:19:22 GMT

I’m in the same boat mate, 35 happily married but have a very strong curiosity and would love to look into it more

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Ads_2 — Fri, 10 Feb 2023 02:29:31 GMT

Ditto. 35. Confused, scared, angry. The whole package.

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Pixel8 — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 02:47:54 GMT

Thanks for you post Bi_guy (and responses from others) very encoruaging thread to see such support!

I'm in a similar(but not quite the same) boat and wanted to share my experience here too. I am 35 married to my wife with two kids and been together almost straight out of high school. Our relationship has been strong for almost all of that time (including sex life) but my sexual attraction is almost exclusively (and has always been) towards guys.

Around 2 weeks ago I came out to her and could finally find the courage and words to say...

Obviously there is a lot of pain to still work through, but I guess unexpectedly for me she has been incredibly supportive - given I had just flipped her entire world and everything she knew. We are very early in the process of separating but making sure we do the best by ourselves, each other and our amazing kids.

I dont know when I will ever be ready for any kind of relationship again and Im okay with that for now. But similar to you I am ocused on not losing my family so putting in every effort I can right now; and I know we will be amazing co-parents in time.

I guess something finally clicked for me that unless I could finally be fully honest I was denying my partner the opportunity to choose her own path, and ultimately I wanted her and our children to have the best possible life, so I shouldnt stand in the way of that. It was an incredibly hard decision to make and had grappled with it internally for years but I guess ultimately I knew it was for the best.

I am so grateful and lucky enough to have married my best friend though too, so we truly want each other to be happy, and that has made it ever so slightly easier to work together through this.

I would say that love I have for my wife was what gave me the strength I needed, which i lt sounds like you might have too. I hope my share has helped in some way.

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

PerthBiM — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 12:09:15 GMT

I can’t believe I found this thread, thank you for all of you who shared your experiences.

I’ve never experimented in person but have been curious online I’d call it for a long time.

This has been present during our entire relationship (14 years), and I came clean about it about 9 years ago we married because of the guilt.

She stayed and I was able to repress these feelings is effectively what happened.

Fast forward to today, after reading this thread and very seriously contemplating cheating on my wife, I decided today it was time. We’ve just made a major life decision to buy a house after relocating interstate, but it doesn’t feel right anymore. It was a simple decision to make in the end after hearing all these stories, so thank you beyond blue. I’m not feeling so blue anymore! ❤️

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Guest_98482121 — Mon, 06 Jan 2025 02:11:44 GMT

Hi B_D - been a looong while since you posted your message here, but I’m trying my luck to see if you are still using the platform and might be willing to connect. Your situation in 2021 is a carbon copy of mine and I am really keen to ask you some questions.

Re: 30 yo male, married, bisexual and scared - need help

Jay1962 — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 09:15:44 GMT

Hi, I’m a married man in my 60s, living in Australia, and I’m quietly exploring a side of myself I’ve kept hidden for most of my life — my attraction to men.

I’ve built a good life, been a devoted husband, and raised a family I love deeply, including an adult son. But for a long time now, I’ve felt a growing ache — not just for physical touch, but for emotional closeness and authentic connection with another man.

I’m not here for hook-ups, porn, or anything reckless. I’m looking for understanding, conversation, maybe even friendship with other men who know what it’s like to live between two worlds — one built around love and loyalty, and another filled with quiet longing and questions.

If this resonates with you — if you’ve been there, or are still there — I’d really appreciate hearing from you. Just to know I’m not alone, and maybe walk a little of this journey together.

Thanks for reading.

—Jay