topic Support and forgiveness in Sexuality and gender identity

Support and forgiveness

Just Sara — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 04:40:39 GMT

After reading Chris B's post on using BB sexuality and gender resource suggestions instead of using this subsection of the forum to post, I tried the different sites without success. One of them came up as a 'risk of internet threat'. So I Googled and found a sexuality test from the US and filled it out. My score for homosexuality really surprised me. I guess deep down I've known, but scary experiences have distanced me from my truth.

So I'm back here to write my thoughts hoping for some support.

I recently got onto a same sex dating site and added my profile. It took a lot of courage to do, but has sent me into a bit of a spin since contacting someone in my own town to talk with. They haven't replied and my confidence has taken a nose dive.

This is such a daunting task and has triggered depressive thoughts and feelings.

The other thing of concern, is someone on this site who was a huge source of support and advice in the past, doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. Their wisdom and beautiful words bought me through some awful times, and was an inspiration in helping me come out of my sexuality shell. I'd love for them to post here; they don't have to identify themselves as this person, but reconnecting with me would help enormously. I don't know what I wrote to deter them, but I'd like forgiveness if this is possible. Losing contact was like the loss of a dear friend.

I just want to be happy and find love and companionship. This is a deeply emotional time; I don't have anyone to talk with about it and fear a relapse of symptoms may occur.

I've become dependent on all the wonderful people in this community and this scares me too. Not having face to face conversation about the real me is wearing me down.

Dizzy x

Support and forgiveness

marcus_c — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 05:07:32 GMT

Wow Dizzy, I can remember exactly where you are right now. Like you, I had kind of known deep down for a long while but when the realisation came, I felt, well, dizzy! So many questions, so much anxiety, but also some excitement about possibilities for the future. A lot of things that didn't make sense to me before, now did. I had some answers.

It sucks that a lot of sexuality related sites get adult warnings put on them by internet filters. This is a big problem for young people especially trying to access information away from prying eyes of parents.

It's a good thing that you've found some connection through this forum, I joined when I went through a break up a little while ago and I found the words of people here very gentle, undertanding and comforting. I needed to reconnect with mty friends in the real world though to help my healing. I know that for you this isn't going to be so easy as it may involve coming out to some people. We've all been there so we can support you through that if you feel ready to do that, and if not, then that's fine as well.

When I came out there used to be a lot of face to face support groups you could go to just to meet others and chat (not to hook up or anything). Try calling the Qlife line 1800 184 527, they would have a good idea of places near where you're living.

I just wanted to finish by saying that happiness, love and companionship is possible. My jouirney has been one of finding it within myself before I've started to look for it in others. It's something you share with others, rather than something you look to have fulfilled by them. It's tough sometimes, especially when you feel lonely. But I'm happy to keep talking with you about it. 🙂

Support and forgiveness

Gruffudd — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 08:30:52 GMT

Hi there Dizzy,

Wow you have been exploring and thinking about a lot. I guess it's time to say, welcome to the family...

Marcus had a lot of great ideas there. My experience of internet dating is that it hasn't come to much and I find the emotional roller coaster challenging. There is a social group in my town which I eventually found and joined, that was a better way for me to meet others, friends mostly and sometimes it led to more.

Happy to talk here, about anything.

Today, Dizzy, I am not chocolate, I'm the gayest biscuit of all - The iced VoVo. I'll break out a packet of them and have one in your honour.

Rob.

Support and forgiveness

Paul — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 09:17:19 GMT

Hey Dizzy,

I bet it's taken some courage to break through the barriers and open up to yourself and now to us. I'm really glad you have been able to - we're here to talk about anything you want to talk about.

Internet dating - can be fun, can be boring, can be scary, can be a trigger. Truth is it can be anything you want it to be - and also anything the other person wants it to me. Trust your intuition on this internet thing and only do what you want to do. If it's just coffee, it's just coffee!

Have you been able to look at yourself in the mirror yet and say "i'm ......."? Having that ability means having things lined up in your mind. It takes time and it's ok to take that time to build the strength to discover what all the feelings you may have ignored for a while REALLY feel like because it's OK to feel them now too.

Step by step

Paul x

Support and forgiveness

Paul — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 09:31:36 GMT

Oh no no no Rob,

The gayest biscuit of all time are the ones with the hard pink icing and hundreds and thousands. Strangely enough called "Hundreds and Thousands" I think they flew them gaily in from Homolulu!

Iced Volvo's LOL. Iced volvo de är så rak

Support and forgiveness

Gruffudd — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 12:27:43 GMT

Oh dear, we are talking like my Viking ancestors on mothers side Vol-au-vent- nei þeir eru samkynhneigðir...

Dizzy, I was wondering if you had come across the stages of coming out? You will have been on quite a journey to be here now and it can help to reflect.

Support and forgiveness

blondguy — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 16:31:59 GMT

Hey Dizzy 🙂

I am a huge fan of yours and the help you have given me and many others. I am lucky as I have 5 previous company directors that were in the same mindset as you are now. They are and have always been my mentors. I love them to bits and always will 🙂

As for the best biscuit Paul has nailed it with "Hundreds and Thousands"

Just my heartfelt response to your thread if thats okay Dizzy

Paulx

Support and forgiveness

Just Sara — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 21:37:05 GMT

Marcus; Reading your post made me feel better and gave me a smile; (...I felt, well, dizzy!) It's odd how intellectually I'm able to connect to your words, but am still trying to break through to core feelings. I know they're there, but it's giving myself permission to totally submit. You also said "I needed to reconnect with my friends in the real world" This struck a cord with me. Reconnecting isn't what I want, that's the past. It's connecting to a new way of life, and more-so the new me. Thank you also for the opportunity to have you as someone to bounce things off; many thanks.

Paul, looking in the mirror and saying "I'm ....." has to be one of the most challenging things anyone has ever said to me. I've had people mirror my, dare I say it, 'gayness', and know inside behind so much trauma and pain there's my truth, but looking in my own mirror seems foreign and scary. The results of my profile questionnaire said I was; 'energised by other people more than myself' Your question bought that home. Thankyou...more than I can say.

Rob; thankyou for welcoming me to 'the family', but I'm not quite there yet. For someone who treasures his solitary time, it's good you get out and meet others. I'd like to be that brave, but feel it's not time yet. As for internet dating; going on that site was a step towards me, not the person I tried to connect with; I get that now after a long sleepless night. And yes; I'd like to continue on this thread, a safe place for me to 'come out' in stages. Thanks for this tip; will explore.

Paul (BG) speaking of accepting compliments; I do appreciate the sentiment. Thankyou...much! I've never had a fan before. (smile) As always, love to hear from you...x

So the only issue left is the biscuit debate...hmm. I have to say, the Iced Vovo (Volvo?) is my pick of the day. They say; pink powder puff. Sorry Paul, but Hundreds and Thousands reminds me of the child within.

Marcus, Paul, Rob and Paul (BG), needed the feedback...much thanks again...Dizzy x (hugs)

Support and forgiveness

White_Rose — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 23:12:03 GMT

Hello Dizzy

Just found this thread and wow you blow me away. Such courage to admit who you are and then to write about it on BB. As usual you have managed to surprise me and I am full of admiration.

Your writings on other threads show what a lovely person you are, with the ability to share in the sorrows of others. I think you are pleased with this change in your life but a little scared as well. Is this correct? This is one topic I have no experience of so I'm not sure if I can say anything directly, well at least nothing that would make sense.

I would like to walk with you on this new journey and share your experiences. I think it will be a whole new world out there so I do want you walk carefully. Keep yourself safe and well and talk lots to me and others. I see the rainbow crew have jumped in to talk with you. That's great.

Have you met anyone on the internet dating sites? I sometimes think of them for myself but I would never have the courage that you have. I also think I am too selfish to want to share my life with someone else. Yet when several friends found new partners I really wished it would happen to me. But on the whole I think I am better off on my own.

You want to find love and happiness and be connected to others. Yes, it's hard when you feel isolated. Making ourselves our best friend is great but we do need the comfort and companionship of others. Sometimes I wonder how alone those people are who strike up conversations on the bus or train with complete strangers.

Marcus sent you a Qld phone number for group meetings I think. Does that mean you live in Qld? I live in Brisbane so we may be next door neighbours. What a pity we cannot exchange addresses.

Dizzy, I hope it's not me who has let you down. If it is then please accept my apologies. You have done nothing wrong.

I think many people have commented on how BB has supported them. The folk who post here are an amazing lot with all sorts of experiences to share. You have shared much of your journey with me and heaps of other people, and all these folk feel better for talking in this way. Occasionally people join this site after spending a long time simply reading the various posts. Invariably they comment on how much the posts have helped and comforted them. So give yourself a big tick in the box as some of these posts are yours.

Talk later.

Mary

Support and forgiveness

marcus_c — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 00:28:11 GMT

Hi Dizzy I'm glad my post helped in some way. I like what you say about moving forward and connecting to a new way of life. I know you're not ready to be going out and meeting lots of new people just yet, but going on that dating site is a first step. I don't know what you've put in your profile, but to avoid awkward conversations and potentially rude people (dating sites aren't always the friendliest) I would be honest and say that you're still exploring who y ou are and that you have lots of questions. Also be clear about what you're not ready for just yet.

Again I don't know much about your past but some of what you say above sounds like you want to completely cut off everything and everyone from it. I don't know if I've read that right. You may have good reasons for doing this, but I hope that you have maybe one person in your life that you can stay connected with. It's exciting to be moving off in a new direction in life, but we need anchors along the way as well. It can be tempting to cut people off from our past because you fear how they might react to a big piece of news like being gay. If you want to cut all ties with the past, that is your choice, but I would make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

Support and forgiveness

Just Sara — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 09:36:58 GMT

Hi Mary;

It's nice to have people such as yourself in my corner. I've left a msg for you on my other thread also.

Your words are kind and respectful, and most of all open and honest. This pleases me so...truly.

No I don't live in Qld...NSW Regional. The number Marcus gave me is a national number and can only be accessed from 5pm to 10pm. It's run by volunteers.

This issue is new for me Mary. I'm taking it day by day and step by step. Getting to know 'me'. As Rob says; the stages of 'coming out'.

Thankyou again...will talk soon...Dizzy x

Support and forgiveness

Gruffudd — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 10:55:07 GMT

Hi Dizzy,

I tend to agree with Marcus on keeping those people who have been there in your life.

It reminds me of a story that I heard in a lecture quite a few years ago. This journey of coming out is a little like crossing a desert. There is no map, no road, no signposts. You just know you need to find a way across. It is easier to travel with people who have gone that way before (you are welcome to check in here and ask questions too), when you take this journey you leave most of the old life behind but there is room for some special treasures (which includes the people who connect you to who you have been), and after when you emerge from the desert, well, there will be no stopping you.

I think that LGBTI people have a bit of a shared experience in this, even though each of us has our own journey. It is ultimately a gift because we know ourselves better then we might have otherwise.

So in finding your way. I do recommend getting a hobby or finding a group of people somewhere near you. there is a meet up app and website where you can meet up with people with shared interests and do stuff like knitting or reading or walking. (I am part of a group of gay people who occasionally go and climb a mountain or two - from before the internet, the add was in a community newspaper)

Rob.

Support and forgiveness

Just Sara — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 19:27:12 GMT

Thanks Marcus and Rob;

I think there's been confusion in interpreting the term 'reconnecting'. When I talk about not wanting to connect to the past, I'm talking about dealing with trauma. People in my past are still the same as they've been. I'm changing, and with this comes new ways of thinking. I'm not taking myself out of the community to complete isolation. I'm having a breather; a sabbatical. Friends come and go, this happens because of change. Finding new friends isn't so much about my sexual identity, it's more about my mental health.

This is a very important step for me. I need to take into consideration the affects of PTSD and my daily battle with letting go of the past. The reason I'm coming out on BB first is due to having contact with people who understand mental health issues first, then sexual identity.

I told my GP yesterday and we spoke for 45 minutes. She was supportive and helpful. One thing we talked about was; if my decision was influenced by rape and other major trauma's with men. Of course it is, but this is part of my recovery and that's why I need to take things slow.

I have an appt with my psych soon to discuss this further. I have to take into consideration my deep beliefs about power struggles as well as sexuality. A same sex relationship doesn't mean I'm not opening myself up to abuse. I've turned my profile off of the dating site for now. It's best to settle first. I'm grateful for your advice Marcus in being up front about my situation with dating. This was really helpful.

Dizzy x

Support and forgiveness

Gruffudd — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 23:07:28 GMT

Hi there Dizzy,

It's good you are talking to the GP and the psyc. Working through the trauma will hopefully get it to sit in a better place. I find it interesting that you talk about sexuality as a decision, there are loads of decisions around it, but I've always found that I don't control who I find attractive, I do have control over what I do with that.

Rob.

Support and forgiveness

Just Sara — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 02:02:00 GMT

Rob, you've bought up a very important issue for me; decisions. I've been denying the fact I'm attracted to women because it didn't 'fit' my gender or role description. I suppose my main concern is feeling normal, and not judging myself as being right or wrong.

I need to discover if my attraction to men is the result of trauma. I say this because one of the main points I assess when meeting a man is whether he's an abuser or can protect me from abusers. I spoke with Paul about this a few months ago. I said; "only a man can defend me against another man" This is where the trauma comes into play; that was my normal.

I've been doing things alone for decades. I've been both sexes in a way...mum and dad, home care and working, lawns, car, sewing, washing etc. It's all been on my plate without the support I deserved.

My ex husband died 2 weeks ago. He left me while I was pregnant and refused to be a dad. My son only contacted him 4 yrs ago and now I'm left yet again to pick up the pieces and take his place once more. My little (2 yr old) boy was sexually abused by a dear friend who I caught in the act. His dad wasn't there to defend him. I've lived with that for 25 yrs including the 5 yrs it took for my son and I to begin healing. Everything was about my little boy.

Some of my PTSD was caused through getting up to my son late every night for 3 yrs when he experienced night terrors. No-one can comprehend what that did to me. It took me 12 yrs to find the courage to have a relationship, and this was with a man I wanted to be a father figure for my son. He ended up being my abuser.

Rob, it's complicated. I want to be happy and safe, but my mental health has made things so confusing. It's going to be a long road, but I'm up to it. One step at a time.

Dizzy x

Support and forgiveness

Gruffudd — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 02:43:06 GMT

I hear a few conversations in there.

One of those things my grandmother taught me is that the person you can and should rely on to protect and nurture is yourself. Other people are responsible for themselves. We are an independent lot really, but that came from her experience of a man who wanted to control and deceive. There is an exception, children need to be able to rely on their parents for those years, and it sounds like you have done your best as a mum in some of the most difficult of circumstances.

Whoever you are underneath that front that we all put on for the world - is good and amazing. I identify that as my inner child, because he has always been there with me.

So getting the help with the mental health helped me, as that became less of a focus the other things in life made more sense.

Rob.

Support and forgiveness

Just Sara — Thu, 07 Jul 2016 01:42:38 GMT

Dear Rob;

I can't tell you how amazing your words were to read. They were comforting and wise. I must admit, I was a bit worried about how you and others would take me; I've heard gay friends of mine over the years talk about people who can't make up their minds, as being pretenders and not real.

Your grandmother was so right. I'm learning to protect and nurture myself, but first have to undo the old. It's layers to peel away and expose the real me. That's why this issue has raised it's head. I'm ready to face the truth.

And yes, there are many conversations I need to have. After coming out to my GP, I'm seeing my psych, and have made an appt with a sex therapist on Tues. Each have a different role in my recovery and helping me to discover how to relate to men and women without fear.

After talking with my GP, I walked away with such peace and calm. I haven't felt that in I don't know how long. But it tells me I'm on the right path.

Thanks again for your wisdom...Dizzy x

Support and forgiveness

White_Rose — Thu, 07 Jul 2016 07:10:21 GMT

Dear Dizzy

I am so pleased to read your last couple of posts. Not pleased about the abuse of course, but that you are now starting your journey towards health and peace of mind. I hear all the positives in your life and also the sadness and disappointment. Nurturing yourself sounds easy and obvious but we are not taught to do this. We're always taught to care for others and let other have precedence. Women of course are taught this from the cradle, which makes life hard when women are the people who need nurturing.

Now that you have got to this stage I hope will have the strength to get through it all. Without wishing to be rude or uncaring, I think you need to sort out your past traumas before finally deciding on your gender orientation. I know it's a big part of your life and will need to be determined eventually but I think you have already decided on your priorities. You know, without me having to say it, that you have the full support and love of the family here. You know someone will always be here to talk to you.

Mary

Support and forgiveness

Paul — Thu, 07 Jul 2016 11:03:33 GMT

Hey Dizzy,

I hope you are making progress and being kind to yourself. It's great you're feeling comfortable enough to chat with us about some things that seem pretty upsetting for you. You've got more strength than you realise!

One of my interests is language analysis which can sometimes tell how someone is feeling towards themselves. I think Rob hit the nail on the head but please allow me to point out how we get this feeling.

Just one example:

"I need to discover if my attraction to men is the result of trauma"

I wonder if it would be easier for you to change that thought and self talk to "I'd like to discover..."

You see, in just the phrasing of how we talk to ourselves it can mean a HUGE challenge or, as you later mention a step by step journey.

Gentle self-talk, gentle steps, and your unconscious mind will feel more comfortable being involved and less protective.

Hope this helps.

What have you said in front of the mirror, have you been able to?

Something I asked my psychiatrist. "Am I gay because my father left me when I was 4" He replied; We will probably never know because the answer is different for everyone, but the fact is that you are gay the reason why doesn't have an answer, the question is how do you live your life to the fullest.

I thought it was a cop-out until I really thought about it.

Take care Dizzy

Paul

Support and forgiveness

Paul — Thu, 07 Jul 2016 11:12:50 GMT

Hi Mary, I hope you are staying well!

I think dizzy's feelings are about sexual orientation instead of gender identity - please correct me if I am wrong Dizzy.

Dizzy how long have you had feelings of attraction to women whether you suppressed them or ignored them or wished they would stop, what age do you recall?

Paul