topic stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time in Sexuality and gender identity

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

EMT — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 03:50:53 GMT

Hello everyone. I have a story to tell and its a long one. For insight I'm a single parent, no true emotional support and no legitimate friends.

Yesterday I spend 6 hours driving around to all the known beats in brisbane looking for sex. When I FINALLY gave up and drove home I found myself in a state of depression, again. As usual my emotions were in conflict with my logic and my core values were scrutinized like I was sifting through rubble and ash looking for anything salvageable or of value to me to hold onto, to identity with. I work hard each day to at least feel "normal" and I know full well with each action, thought, behavior and words what I'm trying to find is authentic self.I'm tired, bored, alone, afraid and most certainly lost and for the first time ever I've realize how precious and short life is not to be true to yourself. Question is I feel marooned alone on a desolate island surrounded by shark infested water thinking I have the potential to find a way off but I can't figure out how. I'm in need of guidance to shift my thinking out of this rut, this wasted rut.

thanks for reading.

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Kazzl — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 07:24:48 GMT

Hi EMT, welcome to the forum! Reaching out and sharing your story is not an easy thing to do, so well done on taking the first step.

It sounds to me like you're frustrated, agitated and feeling trapped by circumstances. I sure understand that. I think to help shift your thinking from the rut, you need to know where you'd like to shift it to. Do you have things you'd like to do or or achieve?

Sorry, this is maybe a bit superficial as a response. I'd like to know more about you if you're OK to share.

Hope to hear back from you

Kaz

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Just Sara — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 07:27:22 GMT

Welcome to BB forum EMT;

Although your story may seem long to you, it conjures up un-answered questions for me. It's a really interesting tale of what seems to describe some very deep issues. Please tell me more if that's ok.

Identity - Who/what do you identify as?

Driving around looking for sex - What happened during this activity to set you off on such a tangent?

Shark infested waters - Why such a drastic metaphor?

Authenticity - Are you an actor in a play? Please expand on what you interpret as authentic.

The way I approach life, is mainly about asking myself the big questions. A well timed and formed question can sometimes affect immediate and insightful answers. Although, asking "Why the hell did I just do that?" can conjure up too many guessed variables.

Would love to keep in touch. Hope I'm on the right track for you.

Dizzy

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Greg4 — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 11:10:53 GMT

EMT,

i can identify with you. I've felt very similar. Shark invested waters, yeah the world does a bit like that. Being tired bored and alone. Yeah been there and at times am regularly. The loniness is hard and at times the world goes along and you don't seem to fit in anywhere. Not sure if you feel the way I do. I'd love to keep chatting if you feel it's worth the effort. We all have our problems, but they say a problem shared is a problem halved. In this forum help is at hand and if you care to open up it may come your way. Hang in there mate.

Greg

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

EMT — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 21:50:15 GMT

Hi Dizzy, thankyou for your reply it is very much appreciated. Some answers for your questions. I don't identify as any one thing but I'm aiming to identify as happy and content. I behave like someone who is bi though. I have always been discreet so driving to "gay beats" works well with remaining anonymous ( you must know I have been living this way for over 20 years) and I've never entered into or entertained the idea of a relationship with a man. Yes shark infested waters was a quite dramatic remark but in reflection it means mistrust. Being authentic to me means true to one's self, which I'm not. Yes I wear a mask. This is the tiring part of my life. I'm going to say I've never had the opportunity to find my authentic self due to a tough childhood so it feels like all I know is this " mask wearing" person. Truth is I've wasted some much precious time living this double life, frustratingly I've learnt nothing and I'm trying not to be negative I'm just flying the white flag.

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

EMT — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 21:57:16 GMT

Hi Greg, thanks for your reply and I think I would find it beneficial to keep chatting with you to get perspective. I've never spoken with another man that's in or been through the same situation.

EMT

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Greg4 — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 22:00:12 GMT

EMT,

living a double life can be exhausting. Mistrust with everyone being unable to be your real self. Doing beats to remain anonymous, yeah I get you! It becomes easier if you can find someone to trust. I did. It's made all the difference. Sorry I'm in FNQ so not close, but if you reach out to beyond blue you may be surprised. Try to stay optimistic.

Cheers G

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

EMT — Sat, 03 Sep 2016 22:07:21 GMT

Hi Kazzl, thankyou for your thoughts in reply. Yes I do feel trapped in circumstances. I can tell you what I don't want and that is not to live a double life, I don't want to be in a relationship with a man, I don't want to be bi, I don't want to wear a mask. Over the last 20 years I've thought long and hard about all of the above yet its all the same behaviors. One thing I've been exploring is the link between when I'm stressed and being with men. Happy to get your thoughts 🙂

EMT

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Paul — Sun, 04 Sep 2016 00:27:44 GMT

Hey EMT

I read through your conversations here with everyone and some things struck me.

You said that you want to be yourself and feel free and authentic and to be rid of feeling trapped with no way out. If I join the dots all the way to few posts back you say you don't want to be with a man and you don't want to be bi and you explained the double life and masks. I'm assuming that the double life is being with a woman (Normal?) and also being attracted to men. Is that a fair assumption?

Sexuality is an interesting thing and it's only societal pressure that prevents us from feeling free to express ourselves. Sometimes the pressure comes from within due to our past experiences and we strongly believe that expressing our sexuality is wrong and to be hidden. You can imagine what happens next. We end up at odds with ourselves and then go on a search for our true selves after a good self thumping then hiding, then guilt, then questions then another good thumping of ourselves which breaks our identity which in turn makes it impossible to make friends and it's an island that turns into a merry-go-round.

Can you describe to me, exactly what do the sharks represent from your metaphor.

Beats are a bit weird these days, online apps seem to have replaced them mostly. I go to the sauna as it's more comfy and I can have a chat if there is someone nice. Otherwise a spa etc. Oh and there's also condoms handy - I like to play safe. But sometimes when I go and if I don't meet anyone I feel like absolute crap. I wonder if our two similarities there are related. What went on in your mind after you left the last beat and you were unable to find someone?

Let's get you off that island and turn the sharks into dolphins - would you like to do that together?

Paul

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Just Sara — Mon, 05 Sep 2016 03:56:03 GMT

Hi EMT;

What a great reply! You've answered my questions well and it gives some insight into where you're at.

Paul has (as always) made some good points and asked some big questions. I guess another one would be;

What would you like to get out of your contact with people here on BB? What would be the 'ultimate' achievable goal?

When I first registered, it was to just talk with someone who knew how I felt. But as time passed, some very big issues became apparent; one being my gender identity. Posters like Paul, have definitely helped me to face and address those issues with much success. Not just because their advice and comments were great, but because they supported me to find the courage to look at what's possible, instead of how bad I thought my life was.

You're doing great indeed just by staying and chatting. Someone may see your post and be helped by your courage to speak about your life. I hope you stay in touch.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

EMT — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 21:41:06 GMT

Hi Paul, thanks for your reply, much appreciated. Yes I see myself living a double life as you described in your reply. There has never been a situation where I've not "cheated" on my partners and at current standings I'm not in a relationship for many reasons but mostly due to the guilt that comes with my actions. Paul the type of person I am is that I don't feel any pressures from society or otherwise regarding who I am and how I act. I guess that's part of my frustration if I saw benefit in "coming out" and spoke with my family and friends about it I can not see where it would lead, except the fact I would feel better for being truthful. As I've mentioned I do not have a positive support base particularly from my family. I can definitely tell you I would never enter into an open relationship with a man or even be transparent with coming out as polygamous. I really admire people who know where they are in life when it comes to sexual identity. My mistrust comes from sexual abuse from a family member when I was a child and then a moment when I was 12 where a boy from the same age from my school invited me to stay the night who with great manipulation managed to convince me to get naked then abuse me. This was not consensual and after that night I never spoke to him again. Like I wrote, my story is long and complex and at very least I'm here to say I need help, I'm ready to receive help and more than anything I want to feel authentic.

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Kazzl — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 22:54:08 GMT

Hi EMT, I'm so glad to see you've come back and had some excellent replies.

Hun, I can certainly understand the anxiety of being with men after what you experienced as a child. It must be very confusing and frightening to feel that way, that stress and fear, yet still be attracted. Have you sought any help over the years to deal with the past trauma? I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but I see two issues here - finding your authentic sexual identity, and coming to terms with abuse. Yes they may be related, but I wonder how much the abuse is eating at you?

I'm sorry you don't have a supportive family. I can't comment on the difficulties of coming out (though as a mum who's kid came out publically before telling me, I can say being excluded and not being able to support them through that process hurt me). One thing I do know is that trying to be someone you're not, keeping secrets, being fearful of comsequences is very damaging to anyone. Is it more damaging than being honest and open (and letting family and friends deal with what is actually their problem) and going through whatever fallout there might be? I don't know hun, but it's worth considering - would you feel better, stronger, more you if you shared it openly? Easy for me to say I know, from the privileged position of a straight older woman. But it does infuriate me that people can't live their lives openly. On their terms. Anyways, sorry, that a soapbox of mine.

Hope you don't mind me asking questions (and please be patient if I get things wrong). I'm wondering why you reject the idea of being bi? Is it because of your distrust of men? If so, are you comfortable with the idea of being gay? I know from a lovely young friend who's going through similar that it's not always so cut and dried, it depends on the person. But in case that's what you're struggling with - that your authentic self is gay - I say embrace it.

Sometimes our hearts know more than our heads. What does your heart say?

Very best to you EMT

Kaz

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Paul — Wed, 07 Sep 2016 20:56:57 GMT

Hey EMT,

Thanks for your reply. I was saddened to learn of the abuse you suffered, that should happen to no one, ever.

Back to the island metaphor, is the abuse the sharks that are circling that are stopping you from escaping the island and finding your authenticity? Please correct me if I have it incorrect. Your last paragraph was very emotional in your plea for help and that you are ready to receive help. We're here and we're ready to help.

Talking about the past and the present and making some connections with the way our past has shaped us helps us understand who we are now and why we do what we do.

Here's a first person example - me. My father left me when I was 4, he said he didn't know if he was coming back. I saw him twice after that and have spoken to him once in the 35 years since. At 4, a father is a boy's whole world. That crumbled. The effects of that today that are automatic and I don't even know I am experiencing them until I catch them are;

I don't trust myself to love someone

Even though I am good at what I do at work I need a lot of external validation

Sometimes I am the class clown as a defence mechanism

Sometimes I am the class clown so people will like me and not leave me

These are just some examples of things I've learnt - It took me some therapy to work out that my father leaving had an impact and what it was. I didn't even believe he had any effect on me at all until then.

What I am saying here is our past is intrinsically part of us and sometimes needs exploring (gently) to piece together the relationship between the past and our present self.

You mentioned monogamy. I know plenty of guys in relationships with guys who are strictly monogamous. I also know plenty of guys in open relationships both male and female. Making this kind of decision is up to the two people in the relationship. Its not up to anyone else to judge or interfere. Some people are happy having not much sex at all in a relationship because there are other elements that fulfil the appetite.

What are your thoughts EMT?

Is there anything specific that you'd like to talk about?

Take care,

Paul

stuck in a identity rut discussed for the first time

Just Sara — Wed, 07 Sep 2016 23:51:04 GMT

Good morning EMT;

This is an interesting thread and has opened up some deep issues for discussion. I'm wondering though, have you had any contact with a psychologist or mentioned something to your GP? You haven't said if you're using medication as a buffer or long term arrangement. Just for future reference, there are crisis helplines that could also be of assistance as a 'real time' avenue for talking. Reading through your responses, it's valid if you consider the Rape Crisis Helpline in your state.

I consider what happened to you at 12 just as devastating as the previous abuse you mentioned. Sexual abuse at any age isn't as much about sex as it is about dis-empowerment and helplessness. It's also important to consider how you responded after these events.

In my case, apart from all the usual affects, was trying to find the reason it happened in the first place and blaming myself. "Was I too confident and made them feel a sense of inadequacy?" Another consequence was using sex to feel better. I relate this to my body and not my mind. The mind's capacity to 'disengage' or 'dissociate' mind from body during abuse is widely discussed and understood in psychology and psychiatry. It's a normal response to trauma. Concentrating on sex without emotional connection can be a type of dissociation from traumatic memories.

As I said, the Rape Crisis Helpline is a great resource. The counsellor's are trained psychologists and specialists in the field. They don't just discuss 'rape' and women are not their only callers; their expertise relates to all forms of triggers and post behavioural matters. I've been helped on occasions where I felt helpless with non-sexual problems that have triggered the same sense of powerlessness experienced during sexual assault.

EMT...it may be a simple answer to what seems a massive problem; a little boy faced with unimaginable circumstances and trying to deal with it alone for decades.

I hope you join us again soon...

Kind and warm wishes...Dizzy