topic Orlando in Sexuality and gender identity

Orlando

justinok — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 22:58:31 GMT

OK so I've really struggling after the weekend and Orlando. Not just the event itself, which is unimaginably horrible, but what it represents. Clubs like Pulse were the only place I could find sanctuary when I was younger, where I could be myself and not be afraid. For someone to come into that safe place and violently murder people like me... and then to read that he was supposedly set off because he had seen two men kissing public a few weeks earlier. I just don't know what the world is coming to some days. Some of the comments online from people saying 'great that they're attacking perverts now instead of innocent people' was just the icing on the cake. It's been a horrible weekend.

Orlando

Kazzl — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 23:25:58 GMT

It's been a heartbreaking weekend Justin. And the implications are still sinking in. Please look after yourself and I hope you will take comfort from those you love and who love you. And please know that so very many people are with you.

Much love and respect

Kaz

Orlando

Gruffudd — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 03:29:38 GMT

I think the only comfort I noticed is that I reacted to those messages as being like the past which means that many have moved on and things are better then they were, I expect better.

But, I don't have much I can say on the events themselves, too hard. The horror of what could happen here. I remember the impact that the murder of Matthew Shepherd had on me. Same age, same situation living in a small university town, even been beaten up by the local boys a couple of times. It could easily have been me. I think it matters that we have a community where we have all survived and prospered despite the odds, and we will keep on doing that and working on making it better for the next generation.

Rob.

Orlando

justinok — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 04:27:12 GMT

Thank you Kaz and Rob. I have seen so many of my friends devastated by this, and some people might struggle to understand why. I saw a post online that I'm going to copy here because it really sums it up for me:

"Earlier today, a friend remarked: "I don't understand. The way you are reacting, it's almost like you knew someone in the club."Here's the thing you need to understand about every LGBT person in your family, your work, and your circle of friends:We've spent most of our lives being aware that we are at risk.When you hear interviewers talking to LGBT folks and they say "It could have been here. It could have been me," they aren't exaggerating.

I don't care how long you've been out, how far down your road to self acceptance and love you've traveled, we are always aware that we are at some level of risk.I'm about as "don't give a shit what ANYONE thinks" as anyone you'll ever meet... and when I reach to hold Matt's hand in the car? I still do the mental calculation of "ok, that car is just slightly behind us so they can't see, but that truck to my left can see right inside the car". If I kiss Matt in public, like he leaned in for on the bike trail the other day, I'm never fully in the moment. I'm always parsing who is around us and paying attention to us.

There's a tension that comes with that... a literal tensing of the muscles as you brace for potential danger. For a lot of us, it's become such an automatic reaction that we don't even think about it directly any more. We just do it.And then... over the last few years, it started to fade a little. It started to feel like maybe things were getting better. A string of Supreme Court decisions. Public opinion shifting to the side of LGBT rights. Life was getting better. You could breathe a little bit.

What happened with this event is pretty dramatically demonstrated by how Matt and I are reacting to it. Matt came out fairly late, during the golden glow of the changing tide. He's never dealt with something like this. It's literally turned him inside out emotionally because all that stuff he read about that was just "then" became very much "NOW".

For me, I've had some time to adjust to the idea that people hate us enough to kill us. Matthew Shephard was my first real lesson in that. So this weekend was a sudden slap in the face, a reminder that I should never have let my guard down, should never have gotten complacent... because it could have been US.

cont...

Orlando

justinok — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 04:27:33 GMT

Every LGBT person you know knows what I'm talking about. Those tiny
little mental calculations we do over the course of our life add up...
and we just got hit with a stark reminder that those simmering concerns,
those fears... they probably won't ever go away. We'll never be free of
them. Additionally, now we just got a lesson that expressing our love
could result in the deaths of *others* completely unrelated to us. It's
easy to take risks when it's just you and you've made that choice. Now
there's this subtext that you could set off someone who kills other
people who weren't even involved. And that's just a lot.That's
why I'm personally a bit off balance even though (or because, depending
on how you look at it) I live in Texas and was not personally effected
by this tragedy. Don't get me wrong: nothing will change. I will still
hold my husband's hand in public. I will still kiss him in public. We'll
still go out and attend functions and hold our heads high.But we will
be doing those mental calculations for the rest of our lives. Those
little PDAs you take for granted with your spouse. They come with huge
baggage for us. Every single one is an act of defiance, with all that
entails.So do me a favor. Reach out to that LGBT person in your life.
Friend, co-worker, or family. Just let them know you are thinking of
them and you love them. That will mean the world to them right now. I
promise you.

Orlando

Chris_B — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 04:45:13 GMT

If you have time to watch, Anderson Cooper paid an emotional tribute to each and every one of the victims on CNN. So many lives shattered:

Orlando

Paul — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 08:27:38 GMT

We're all grieving right now and it's only just starting to hit me.

Loss of life, loss of community, loss of personal freedom and safety.

I can only encourage everyone affected by the events in Orlando or even the media beat ups or right wing celebrations to do what we know best.

Look after our emotional health through difficult times and talk to friends, family or the beyondblue family here.

It's safe to express yourself in any way you like here, so please talk.

Yours in solidarity

Paul

Orlando

Gruffudd — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 08:54:31 GMT

Paul, what it brings up for me is the violence that happens to people we know out of the same kind of attitudes that were behind this in Orlando, of course I am thinking of them but also emphasising out of all too real experience. Our fellow champion Clair has been through so much in the last year. I have had my own experiences further in the past. If I think of my LGBTQ friends the list starts to get rather long. Most of those incidents could have been worse. Justin reblogged about second guessing, I do that, I have since I can remember. I think it will take more time and have more of an impact then I expected when I first heard of the news.

Orlando

Paul — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 08:57:37 GMT

I echo your sentiments Rob. I think it's going to take a while for us all to get through the grief in whatever for it takes and for reasons personal and public.

Orlando

DrTom — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 12:01:20 GMT

The atrocity in Orlando has really knocked me out of orbit. I'm still trying to understand why, but I think some elements are floating to the surface. Since I came out, about four and a half years ago, I have rarely felt unsafe because I am gay. There are some places I wouldn't go, perhaps, and some places where I wouldn't hold my partner's hand in public, but not many, and those I can avoid. Likewise, there are lots of hurtful words around; I'm lucky to work in a workplace where there is no obvious homophobia, and I haven't hidden my identity, and no one seems to have an issue with it; the hateful words of some in the media, I can hear or not hear pretty much at my own choosing. And I have often been at gay venues, and felt that this was a comfortable place among safe people. Indeed, it's often been a place of retreat - away from coping with the demands of being a gay parent in a straight world, and being a gay scientist in a straight workplace (though as noted my colleagues are awesome, but I'm still in their world, in that place). The event at the Orlando club blows that safety wide open. It feels like there is little more than a paper screen between me and the hate that exists out there. It feels like my safety is at the whim of straight people. I think this is why every time a straight friend has said something to me in the last day or two, I tear up. Except at work where I held it in, until it became too exhausting and I had to escape. And yet, I don't actually feel afraid. I think I feel vulnerable, not afraid. Vulnerable because my safety relies on a bulwark of straight allies, who are awesome, but stand between me and a bunch of pretty nasty people. I'm coming to understand this from a helpful article, which describes how there is no real dividing line between marginalising LGBTI people, and the kind of atrocity we have seen. Yes, they lie at different ends of a spectrum, but it is a spectrum of degree, not different essential character. And that while we allow language that denigrates LGBTI people, we enable the whole spectrum. As David Morrison put it: the standard you walk past is the standard you accept.

I've taken a few days off work at the suggestion of my GP, and will reflect and process, and hopefully in a few days re-enter the fray. I'm a scientist. I want to understand myself, and the world around me, and in my quirky individual way I will.

Orlando

Kazzl — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 13:08:58 GMT

Trying to make sense of things, I'm reading a lot of analysis (not from the rubbishy media). There's an interesting article on the SBS website today, essentially about hypermasculinity, 'Two violent men, two symptoms of the same sickness'. Rang true to me.

I hope the days off are helpful for you Dr Tom. Please take care.

Best wishes to you

Kaz

Orlando

Gruffudd — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 13:24:15 GMT

Thankyou Dr Tom, I think vulnerable about says it for me too. Working with vulnerable and hostile people myself, I was once asked by an insensitive manager, what is the worst that could happen? - the answer that went through my head was not that far off this thing that happened. It is hard to respond to threats, I think it is only possible for me with those straight allies, and I do feel guilt for those moments when I haven't. There is something terrifying and I guess that is why it gets called terrorism.

Rob.

Orlando

Kazzl — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 21:04:36 GMT

Morning folks, just want to send some loving hugs, or mental embrace if you'd prefer. I'm wondering about Justin - how are you mate?

Kaz

Orlando

Chris_B — Thu, 16 Jun 2016 05:35:42 GMT

Greetings to everyone posting in this thread and anyone else reading. If you're in Melbourne, and going to the memorial in Fed Square at 5pm, I'll be there with a small group of beyondblue staff. You'll see us in blue shirts:

Our CEO Georgie Harman will also speak briefly. Please say hello if you see us.

Orlando

Starwolf — Thu, 16 Jun 2016 07:08:08 GMT

Shocked and speechless.

Just adding my tears to this ocean of grief.

Orlando

Kazzl — Thu, 16 Jun 2016 21:49:17 GMT

Good to hear Chris. I attended a vigil on Monday night and mentioned BB's helpline to one of the community's well-know people. He was grateful and said he'd pass the word around the community. It's the least we can do. Hope you and yours are OK. xx

Orlando

Gruffudd — Fri, 17 Jun 2016 02:28:32 GMT

I went to a memorial last night in our town. It was organised by the PFLAG parents and our local agencies. The first thing to say is how powerful it is to have the town gather as workers, parents and friends, LGBTI people. I can talk about the solidarity with the people in America, that was a focus, but I took away the solidarity within our town. We have families that want their LGBTI kids to grow up in a place where they don't have to be afraid, and we are hopeful that this generation might want to stay in this country town or return here with a partner some day, bring up some kids if they chose to do that, work here, and be part of this place. Solidarity is important because our LGBTI kids need to know they matter in this town and are our future, we want that to be the case in Orlando and the world. Those attitudes and intolerant beliefs that lead to this are not accepted by most here and the strong message from last night is we want that change to spread through the rest of our town and to the world.

Orlando

wattleandgum — Fri, 17 Jun 2016 06:04:43 GMT

Hi, I shared this post today and someone suggested I share it here. I hope people can see themselves in these words.
-

This is what I want people outside the queer community to understand about Orlando.There are a lot of people right now grieving, and everyone has the right to grieve about such immense and senseless loss of life. But for a lot of queer people at this moment it is not just about grief, or this one horrific tragedy: for many of us this violence is a mirror.You may not have noticed, but hatred like this opens up a wound for a lot of queer people. Day to day, we try to keep our traumas contained so that we are able keep living and loving as best we can, but moments like this have the ability to tear us right open. When such direct hatred touches our community, we remember every person who bullied us, yelled at us on the street, punched us on a train. We see the parent who stopped loving us, or the school that let us believe that we wouldn't make it out of our teens intact. We remember, viscerally, the ways people have made us feel alone, threatened, and worthless because of our sexualities or gender identities. These moments where we feel just how much contempt the world has for us can be extremely difficult, they make us question how long we can ever escape the stranglehold of oppression, and sometimes it causes us to wonder how much the fight is worth.And while we are remembering these private blows and battles, we are also looking into the faces of the dead and wondering just what this means for us now. I think for people like me – young and living in a decently progressive city – this massacre comes as a deep shock. I think many of us were starting to believe that for our generation it would be different. For our generation, we wouldn’t have to make the decision between authenticity and safety, to decide between making ourselves invisible or carrying fear with us like a shield, as our elders have done, and importantly as our elders have fought tooth and nail against. At the very least, I think many of us thought that death for who we loved was off the cards. Of course not everyone within the queer community has the privilege to feel this safe in our world, in fact mileage varies wildly and violence is still far too common towards some of us. But this tragedy in Orlando hits us in the very heart of whatever security we had and asks us how are we any different, any less hated than these brutally murdered victims.

...It needs to be understood that queer people around the world see ourselves terrifyingly reflected in the faces of the dead and their families (biological or chosen) in Orlando. We see ourselves in the family members standing by Pulse, not knowing if their loved ones are dead or alive. We see ourselves in the pictures of young people murdered in a place where they thought they were free and safe. This is especially true for queer people in the Latinx community, queer people of colour, gender diverse and transgender people, and young queer people, whose communities bear the brunt of this tragedy. We see ourselves in this violence and we wonder if the difference between us and them is gun law, or geography, or just circumstance, and something in us is markedly different from before. The world is now uglier and scarier, and suddenly the comfort we took for granted has left behind a pit of sadness and doubt that we weren’t prepared to face.

And we are speechless. Or we are shouting at the top of our lungs at the injustice. We are singing, or we are crying, or we are cycling through all of these things and more at lightning speed. We are going through the motions of life trying to work out where to put this fear and heartbreak. I don’t yet know where to put any of this.

But what I do know is this: as much as Orlando is a profound tragedy, and an ugly reminder of how dangerous our world is for queer people no matter where they live, it is also a call to action. This is a moment where queer communities say that we will not take violence lying down, and that we desperately need our world to be better to us.

Critically, in the aftermath we will not let people take this grief away from us, or overlook their own culpability in creating cultures which produce homophobia. We will not let our leaders generalise this violence – as if the murder of queer people at a gay club was a sidenote in a more significant story about terrorism and borders – while at the same time scoring political points by conceding to people who call us deviants and paedophiles. We will not accept the condolences of politicians who simultaneously give in to the same extremists who literally compare queer rights to the rise of Nazism, because you cannot extend sympathy with the one hand and beat us down with the other...

...We cannot accept these dishonest sympathies, because as Victorian Premier Dan Andrews so aptly said at the Orlando Vigil in Melbourne, “Thoughts and prayers alone won’t save lives, they won’t make people safe”.

This escalation of violence is part of why I and so many others have been furious at the attacks on the Safe Schools Coalition and the deeply homophobic and transphobic push behind it, because the logical conclusion of the idea that we don't inherently deserve safety is the belief that it is ok to hurt us. People don't specifically attack queer people because of religion or mental illness, they do so because others have allowed them to think that we are not worthy of the protection extended to other human beings. Queer people understand this connection between subjugation and violence, we know when our worth as human beings is being devalued, and it’s time for everyone else to start understanding that too and doing something about it.

What I think we truly need now in this unstable and devastating time is for people to take action, and take responsibility. We need it to be you, personally. If you want a world where we are not mourning the loss of 49 lives to hatred, vote for someone this election who not only won’t throw us under the bus for votes and cares about issues like marriage equality, but who plans to do something about the issues that affect queer people disproportionally such as homelessness and mental illness. Volunteer or donate to groups that support our communities, or even join an ally-friendly community group and support us through joy. Challenge the people around you when they make homophobic or transphobic comments and listen when someone asks you to reconsider your actions, no matter how small they seem to you, because hate is violence and silence is acceptance. Reach out to the queer people you know, right now, and ask if they're ok, if they want to talk, if they want to just do something stupid for a couple of hours instead of thinking about death and hatred. If we want a different world, we have to work together to create it with empathy and honesty, and as much as I feel lost and heart-broken I am as sure now as I ever was that it is possible. And I am more certain than I ever was that we need to do everything in our power to make it happen.

Fellow queers, look after yourselves, I hope this pain passes soon for all of us. If you want to share this feel free xx ❤️

Orlando

Kazzl — Fri, 17 Jun 2016 22:55:42 GMT

Brilliant post wattleandgum! Thank you so much. And welcome to the forum, I hope we'll see more of you.

I am really appreciative of the advice the community is giving to straight allies, here and elsewhere. Sometimes it's hard to say how we feel because we get scared of saying the wrong thing. I don't always get things right (my darling daughter corrects me haha) but my heart is so full for this community. I too hope the pain passes, and becomes even greater resolve to live life on your own terms (as everyone should be free to do) with your allies walking beside you.

xxxx

Orlando

justinok — Mon, 27 Jun 2016 08:24:40 GMT

Kazzl said:
Morning folks, just want to send some loving hugs, or mental embrace if you'd prefer. I'm wondering about Justin - how are you mate?

Kaz

Thanks Kaz that's really nice of you. I've been trying to take a break from anything related to the news lately. I was just getting too upset and angry. I think the thing I find hardest to take is that after the dust settles and the tears dry, things just don't seem to change.