topic right time to come out in Sexuality and gender identity

right time to come out

may_04 — Sat, 30 Oct 2021 13:39:38 GMT

hi all,

I hope everyone is well. I wanna talk about coming out.

I am 99.9% sure that I am bisexual - the 0.1% is denial.

I have never been in a relationship with anyone. I have had crushes on both guys and girls though, and when I think about relationships, sometimes I can see myself with a guy, and other times a girl.

Since I've never been in a relationship, I feel as though if I come out to someone they won't believe me. That's why I feel like I should come out once I get a girlfriend (if I can actually get one). But I feel like I'm living a lie cause I haven't come out yet. And I don't want to come out then it turns out I'm not actually bi and everyone will be right - 'it was just a phase'.

Hopefully, someone can understand where I'm coming from.

I wish you all happiness and health.

- may ❤️

right time to come out

geoff — Sat, 30 Oct 2021 15:55:13 GMT

Hello May, as I've just said in another thread, nobody can tell you what sexuality you should be, life doesn't work like that, it's your decision and no one else's and from your last thread about losing your dog, which I have replied to, who are the people who give you the most understanding, affection and know exactly how you are feeling, this may then guide you to what you believe you want to be and a good indication.

What people say to you is only how they feel you should be and not how you want to be, this you will only find out as you develop relationships that you want to be closer to, there is no rush for you to decide and experience each one when you're able to.

Take your time.

Geoff.

right time to come out

june_03 — Sun, 31 Oct 2021 07:14:49 GMT

hey may

i am no expert but here’s what i think -first off you don’t owe anyone an explanation if people don’t ’believe’ you then that is only for them to worry about. I myself went through a very similar thought process until i eventually came out to a few friends by simply saying the person i like is a girl and they were totally cool with it which i was fortunate for and trust me it felt so relieving to have have it off my chest as i too felt like i was lying.

there is no guide to coming out or sexuality so even if one day you do happen to decide that bi doesn’t fit then that’s totally okay too. I second guess myself all the time but at the end of the day i don’t need to be 100% certain i can just go with what feels right at the time - you don’t need to totally sure of anything and try not to worry about the future.

i truly hope that if you decide to come out that the people around you will make you feel safe and supported but either way you got this 😉

-june

right time to come out

Learn to Fly — Sun, 31 Oct 2021 09:31:23 GMT

Hi may.04

Thumbs up for reaching out here. It takes courage to share your story and say it to others as well as yourself.
I couldn’t agree more with both advices you got. You have a right to feel free to express yourself as you currently feel like. And be comfortable about it. And don’t really do it because of others but because you really want this. Because this is who you are. If something changes along the way and if it’s going to make you more true to yourself and happy, again, follow that lead.
Take your time, don’t rush things and one day you will simply know.

right time to come out

Guest_206 — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 09:00:59 GMT

Hi there May,

I agree with everything that's been said here, and just wanted to add that sexuality for a lot of people is fluid and how you identify now may not necessarily be how you identify later on down the track, and that's perfectly normal and ok. Sexuality is not necessarily static and people can move along the Kinsey scale at different times in their life. And for others, their sexuality does remain static - there's no right/wrong.

right time to come out

may_04 — Tue, 02 Nov 2021 12:07:53 GMT

hi everyone,

thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. you're all a reminder that this is a safe space for me.

although I don't feel comfortable coming out now, you are all making me feel alright with that decision. there is so much pressure with coming out, so hopefully, the pressure will ease and I can just casually come out and not make it such a big deal. I wish that coming out wasn't such a big deal.

once again, thank you all and hope you are al happy 🙂

- may ❤️

right time to come out

Learn to Fly — Wed, 03 Nov 2021 04:47:49 GMT

Hi may.04,

Thank you for your response and so good to hear you are in a better place now.

I hope you don't mind me asking: how do you mean that there is a lot of pressure these days to come out? In what ways would you feel the pressure is on?

I wonder if this is prevalent in certain circles or more of a widespread tendency.

right time to come out

Learn to Fly — Wed, 03 Nov 2021 04:50:46 GMT

Sorry, my previous post was sent before I finished.

Just wanted to add thank you for answering as I simply didn't have the knowledge of some people feeling pressured to come out. I might sound naive but I guess I thought this was a very personal decision as to when and how.

Thank you may.04

right time to come out

Guest_206 — Wed, 03 Nov 2021 08:11:33 GMT

Hi May,

Yes I wish coming out wasn't such a big deal either! If we lived in more of an inclusive community we wouldnt have to.

If it helps, I'm queer, and I didn't have any big coming out event. Each to their own and whatever feels comfortable/safe/right for them.

right time to come out

may_04 — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 11:09:39 GMT

hi learn to fly,

You asked what I meant when I said I feel pressure to come out. Also, you don't sound naive at all. This is a safe space we are all free to ask questions and get help 🙂

Part of it is internal. I feel as though I'm living a lie by no one knowing of my sexuality because people always ask "do you like anyone? who is he?!!" or "have you got yourself a boyfriend yet?!", but I have to lie to their faces, and it's mostly people I love and care about that ask me these questions.

I'm also scared that if I wait such a long time I'll suppress my feelings and just pretend to be straight so I'll fit in. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not.

It's also a combination of being romantically inexperienced. Since I've had no experiences whatsoever, I have no evidence to support my coming out. I can't say "I'm bisexual and here's my girlfriend for proof."

Basically, it's an internal thing.

I hope this gives you a greater understanding. If not I'd be happy to answer any more questions!

- may 🙂

right time to come out

may_04 — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 11:14:07 GMT

Hi Guest,

I've never talked to another queer person about coming out so if you don't mind me asking, when did you come out? How did you know the timing felt right? Also, had you, dated people, with different genders first?

I understand if you don't want to answer, I'm just curious.

- may 🙂 ❤️

right time to come out

Guest_206 — Wed, 10 Nov 2021 12:10:15 GMT

Hi May,

Sure, happy to share. When I was a teenager, I dated boys, because that's just what we did, and I didn't know any queer people and everyone around me was straight. Though I did have an inkling that I was into girls. I think I liked the boys I was with, but i certainly felt like I wanted to fit in.

Then I was really lucky, at uni, I made a really good girl friend, and we were friends for ages before we fell for each other. Before we got together though, my mum starting asking me questions, basically asking me if I wasn't straight. And somehow my brother just knew. So I didn't have to come out to them- they just knew and asked me. And some friends I waited to tell until I had my first girlfriend at uni, and others I think I told that I was interested in girls before that, probably at the end of year 12. I think I probably told my closest friend first.

I think I used to try to broach the subject of queer stuff generally with my friend first to gauge what her attitude was towards queer people. Then I think when I felt confident enough that she wasn't homophobic, I told her about me.

So that's kinda my story. It sounds like you are struggling with knowing about the timing about coming out to your loved ones and that you definately want to come out at some point. And it's lonely for you having no-one know your sexuality. It's good that you can post here to work out how you feel in the meantime.

right time to come out

Learn to Fly — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 09:42:26 GMT

Hi may.04,

Thank you so much for this beautiful and most thorough answer. I have a better understanding now and agree with everything you said. You are one amazing and a very brave person. Your integrity is inspiring. I truly hope all puzzles eventually fall into a bigger picture for you as you are so worth it.

right time to come out

YorkeYorke — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 13:38:48 GMT

Hi May, thanks for sharing.

I can appreciate what you said about feeling like you are 'lying' by not coming out. You sound like you just want to be your authentic self and share that with others. However, just know you are no less authentic or honest as a person, if you need some extra time to work things out. You will come out one day if you feel it is best for you, and you shouldn't be begrudged by others for taking the time you need -- it is your journey.

In terms of what you wrote about needing to 'prove' it to others, I can appreciate that stigma, especially around bisexuality, to prove you are not either straight or gay. However, your feelings, attraction and sexuality are no less valid whether or not you have had a girlfriend. If anyone treats you differently for being out and not having a girlfriend, that is a reflection on them and not you.

There are so many 'what ifs' that can come into your head to do with coming out that it can be overwhelming. Please continue to share on here whenever you feel like it.

Yorke

right time to come out

may_04 — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 09:32:59 GMT

Hi Guest,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Would you say that by your brother and mum figuring it out on their own was better than having to come out to people? I just wish that sexuality wasn't such a big deal and that 'coming out' wasn't a thing.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my discussion, you have all made me feel a million times better 🙂

right time to come out

kashiic — Fri, 19 Nov 2021 10:15:15 GMT

Hello may.04,

The worst thing about being something other than heterosexual is that you pretty much have to "come out" repeatedly throughout your life. The best thing about that though is that you're given lots of chances to come out. Each time is individual and has many factors (including safety). Choosing not to come out and/or constantly wave visibility flags doesn't invalidate who you are, or how you choose to identify. You don't owe "proof" to anyone.

people always ask "do you like anyone? who is he?!!" or "have you got yourself a boyfriend yet?!", but I have to lie to their faces

I'd recommend starting to refer to people/relationships in a gender neutral way wherever you can (e.g. "their partner") so that your answers, when given, don't stand out in a suspicious way. What I did for a long time was answer most questions, but in a way that was technically true (e.g. "yes, but I don't want to talk about it" or "nope, I don't like anyone at the moment"). If you do like someone, you can talk about their personality or their interests in a non-specific way (e.g. "my crush is into chess") and misdirect with questions ("can you help me practice my chess skills?"). I usually just stuck to my guns and refused to answer, but here's hoping that this comment of mine helps you come up with some other options. 🙂