topic confused, married and gay in Sexuality and gender identity

confused, married and gay

Pe66les — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 02:43:23 GMT

Hi All,

i'm married with a child. i have been with my husband for over 13 years now. i was only 17 when we got together. i'm gay and i don't know what to do. i grew up with a very homophobic father, so i think that i have hidden my feelings from him and myself so i wouldn't upset my him. i'm not happy anymore, my husband has cheated on me twice in the past, i have been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few months. i now know who i am, but i'm so scared of breaking up my family. please if anyone has any advice i would be truly grateful.

confused, married and gay

SweetAmara — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 05:50:56 GMT

Hi Pe66les,

I am so sorry that you're feeling so much stress over how you should proceed. While I am not in your situation, I am in my own way doing some soul searching, so I can definitely understand what that's like.

Firstly, I want to commend you and say how proud you should be that you know who you are and how you feel. It shouldn't be treated as negative, despite what others may think or say. Knowing who you are is the first step to real happiness.

From what you're saying, your husband has been unfaithful, so perhaps that has helped you delve into your true feelings. Given your father's attitude, it must have been very difficult to accept yourself, so I can understand your uncertainty.

The first step would be to find someone who you trust immensely. Somebody you know who will support you no matter what the outcome of your realization. A friend, a sibling, a counselor? You need to feel that somebody is in your corner to beginning building your independence and finding out what you want.

Honestly, I think that if your unhappy in your marriage and you aren't sexually attracted to him, that's reason enough to end your marriage. But given the situation, I think that's a gradual process for you, especially given how recent everything is. Talking to a counsellor will allow them to help you talk through that process. You should only leave when you feel confident and ready to. As long as of course, you aren't in any danger. You'll need somebody who will support you in case your family reacts badly or your ex-husband.

Please know how brave, worthy and special you are. You can get through this and be happy. Just take it slow and we'll do everything we can to support you.

confused, married and gay

gld — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 07:47:12 GMT

Hi Pe66les,

You are going through a lot by yourself that is currently becoming overwhelming for you. Beyondblue have a call line 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 who could help direct you towards the support you require. Qlife has also a call line 7 days between 3pm to 12am on 1800 184 527 they may be able to give you support.

Pe66les it is awesome you are looking for support as it is very important that you continue to look after yourself to improve your own well being. This is a great place to come and off load, read others journeys as well as have others support you without judgement. You are not alone here in this community.

Is there someone who you feel comfortable to share these feelings you are going through as it is not always good to hold such issues for long periods of time. They may also be able to support you on your new journey.

I feel it is impossible to live our lives the way others live theirs or the way they expect us to live it.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to connect with the support that is out there for you.

Gen [hugs]

confused, married and gay

Gruffudd — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 12:08:46 GMT

Hi there Pe66les,

Firstly, you are not alone, there are a few other men and women who are on these forums who share your experience.

I understand the fear of breaking up your family on one side and the unhappiness on the other. I guess there are good and bad things with any decision.

Have you ever managed to talk to your partner about this? How might he react? Could he be supportive and work through it with you? Lots of questions...

Remember to do some nice things for yourself, you are worth it.

Also you would be most welcome to pop into the Transendent Rainbow Cafe thread, here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything/page/8#ql4Q_nHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Rob.

confused, married and gay

Jenny1980 — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 12:41:42 GMT

It sounds to me that your decision is made. You can't keep living a lie and you deserve happiness and love and to live a life that is true to who you are. It also sounds that your husband is also not all that happy.

The process might be hard but take it one step at a time. You might be surprised at how well it turns out. I haven't been through what you have but I wish you luck and strength.

All the best

confused, married and gay

geoff — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 16:42:00 GMT

hi Pe66les, if your father is homophobic then you will have to wait until you think he should be told, or if you don't believe that this is possible then don't, because you don't want any more hardship, and now that your husband has cheated on you, then any trust with him has gone, so just a simple question, do you want to live in a household where your husband goes off and has a fling when ever he wants, where you are very unhappy or do want to live a life where you are happy and sharing custody for your child, to me, the answer is simple, because your marriage will only get worse if you stay and that could mean depression sets in. Geoff.