topic Sexuality in Sexuality and gender identity

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Sun, 17 Jul 2016 11:53:23 GMT

Hi, I'm sorry if this is a taboo topic; I promise it's all clean and PC.

I'm suffering from bad anxiety, have been for a long while, and one of the looming dreads is related to sexuality. Ever since I was a teen I've been waiting for sex to interest me, to have a crush on someone, to get what all the fuss is about. I never bothered to date in highschool and towards the end started to think that maybe something was wrong. In time I started to frantically hope that perhaps I was homosexual, perhaps I hadn't noticed any attraction because I'd been looking at the wrong people, you know?

But nothing. Back in the mid 2000s I found out about asexuality and I still don't know what to think. If it's real it fits what I am; and I hate that.

I feel like a broken person to not, and to never have, felt this huge drive that media tells us is integral to the human experience. I want to fix it.

I've had my hormones checked (all in working order), I grew up in a happy home that didn't demonise nor lionise sex so it's not like I grew up with strange notions. I don't have anything to pin this problem on, I don't know what to do, and it's crushing.

Sexuality

Zeal — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 05:02:22 GMT

Hi Alex,

Thanks for your post - this is not a taboo topic, and you have also written respectfully 🙂

Are you or have you been seeing your doctor (GP) regularly about your anxiety? Seeing your GP or another professional is important for your mental wellbeing. It's great that your hormones are at healthy levels. Not being very sexual (or being asexual) is not as common as being sexual, but natural levels of sexual need and desire does vary between individuals. It's possible that your anxiety is a barrier to having sexual thoughts and feelings.

This site could be useful: http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=general.html

You might not be asexual, but this site may be of interest regardless. Discussing your sexuality concerns with your doctor or a psychologist will hopefully answer your questions and allay some worries. \

Best wishes,

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 07:16:30 GMT

Hi SM,

Thanks for that. I am seeing a doctor about my anxiety regularly and now have a counsellor. I spoke to the GP about the sexuality thing when I asked for the hormone tests, but nothing came of it. I'm currently trying to build up the courage to mention it to the counsellor; I just find it very hard to vocalise. I get embarrassed about it, I feel like a freak.

I guess it also comes down to the thought that nothing can/will be done. I mean I'm almost 30; I can't have had anxiety bad enough to block out that facet of life for that long, surely? I don't want to be a special asexual snowflake but it seems the most logical answer.

And I'm kind of sick of people going on and on about how one should be proud of their sexuality, no matter what it is; I hate mine. I don't think I'm wrong to hate it. I want to change it but I recognise that that's not really a thing that can be done. At least I don't think so.

Sexuality

Zeal — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 08:45:02 GMT

Hi Alex,

It's great you are seeing your doctor regularly, and now have a counsellor too! I'm also glad you voiced the sexuality concerns to your doc when the tests were done. Talking to your counsellor about this in one of your sessions is a good idea, and it sounds as though you intend to discuss your sexuality at some stage. Once it's out in the open, hopefully you'll feel relieved.

I don't know whether anxiety really could block out feelings of sexuality for so long. Your counsellor will hopefully be able to shed light on this. It's a shame that you dislike your sexuality, but as you said, that's how you feel.

I hope your counsellor keeps helping you 🙂

Best wishes,

Sexuality

Chris_B — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 01:58:52 GMT

Hi Alex_86, welcome to the forums. Not a taboo topic at all, we have a whole forum category for discussing sexuality and gender identity issues. There's also a thread below on asexuality you might want to check out:

Asexuality

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 08:42:40 GMT

Hi Chris, thanks for that; I didn't know this bit of the forum existed.

Sexuality

Paul — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 06:25:01 GMT

Hey Alex,

I can feel the frustration and confusion that comes across in your posts about not being sexually attracted and not liking it. I understand it certainly would have you hating it, wondering what's wrong and feeling broken. Our society is so fixated on sex that sometimes it's a competition, often it's a powerful marketing tool. All of these things would certainly be adding to the difficulty.

You mentioned very briefly that other asexual people form a relationship then become sexual.

From what I gather from your post you're not sexual at all, with or without someone - please correct me if I am wrong.

I have a friend who is possibly very knowledgeable on asexuality and I am going to ask him for some further information. Is that OK with you if I ask him? If so, is there anything specific you would like me to ask?

Paul

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 08:42:05 GMT

Hi Paul,

All correct. I mean it's not like I haven't tried to be, and sex doesn't freak me out at all; it's just really meh as an idea. I never feel like it, I never think of people in that way at all. And it's just such a big part of life to be missing out on; it makes me feel like a stupid child to be so outside something like that. I want a way to fix it but I don't think there is one.

Sexuality

Paul — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 01:36:59 GMT

Hey Alex,

There might be.

I wonder if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions for me...

What do you expect sex to be?

Where does that expectation come from?

Have you always had anxiety?

What state/area are you in? My friend who I can speak with is actually a PhD sex therapist so he's pretty knowledgable about most things sexuality. he also has a network of peers who, if you like, can see you for a chat and see if there's some ways through what's happening.

What are your thoughts?

Paul

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 13:44:19 GMT

Hi Paul,

Sure, happy to answer questions, especially if it might help.

I guess I expect sex to be something a person wants to have? Perhaps fun, or enjoyable. I've never particularly wanted it, I wanted to try it out of curiosity as everyone had said it was something people wanted; but that was more like wanting to try some strange food out of curiosity rather than hunger. And yeah; it was just kinda nothing much. It didn't hurt or gross me out much, but it didn't impress me; and not for lack of trying new things.

Society seems to build up the expectation that sex has something good about it; why else would people want to do it?

That's a hard question; probably? It gets better and worse but I suppose I've likely always had it, but if so I don't know what life would be like without it in order to tell. Sorry to ramble, I guess I just don't know if I've ever not had anxiety or if what I think of as not having anxiety is just my anxiety being low.

NSW, Armidale. I find it pretty hard to vocalise these things, I feel like a broken person or a prude talking about it; and I'm really not (I mean a prude wouldn't want to craze sex, right?) but if they could help I'd like to try.

I want to find a way to fix this. I've been told a lot that some people just don't experience this stuff and I should accept it; but if there's hope I want to try.

Sexuality

Paul — Sat, 23 Jul 2016 19:39:06 GMT

Hey Alex,

You're definitely not rambling, and if you were, that's part of expressing how you feel which is the aim on here anyway!

I wonder if your anxiety and asexuality are linked - not necessarily anxiety about sex, but that they co-exist. I'll ask my friend if he knows of a colleague near Armidale that you can see. Would that be OK?

Just so I can clarify that I understand our conversation so far - asexuality for you means not having a drive to be intimate with a woman or a man or yourself. The reason being asexual is so difficult is that it seems society builds up an expectation that it's good and something people want to do, but because you don't "want" to you're feeling like you're a broken person and a prude because it's difficult to talk about.

You're not broken. Sex is like an appetite as you eluded to before when you likened it to trying a new food. Some people have a small appetite, some people have a large appetite and some don't have an appetite. That's not broken, that's just no appetite. Societal pressure preys on people's larger appetite, sometimes it's boasting, a lot of the time it's through marketing.

You'd be surprised at how an couples rarely have sex after a few years. Nurturing, love, affection, shared experience, routine and other responsibilities take away their appetite because it's fulfilled by these loving things.

I'll talk to my friend and we'll try and find a colleague of his around your area. I hope to get back to you later today or in the morning.

Till then, take care. You're not broken. I think you're someone who is capable of love and being loved just as amazingly as anyone else.

Seeing as you have opened up and been so honest, so will I. I have depression and anxiety and they affect my sex life. Unless I have something like viagra - there's no lift off. It used to get me down and it's been an issue since I was 18 which got worse with age and medication, but I didn't start medication till I was 25. So mine's a case of a bit of appetite, no lift off. I guess that puts us in similar (not the same) boats.

Paul

Sexuality

Gruffudd — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 11:10:02 GMT

Hi Alex,

Glad you are here.

If I am honest I'm not really interested in sex and not bothered by that lack of interest. Other people seem to find that a bit of a challenge though particularly when they are interested in me.

I also live in a regional area in one of those big towns in southern NSW. What makes it different to living in the city is that the LGBTI community is so much smaller, so much so that one can know just about everyone in it. Also if you are a little different to the majority of them it can feel rather isolating.

I used to have some anxiety about not being interested in sex but on thinking about it, I had taken in the attitudes and ideas of other people rather than following what was me. I'd done that when coming out and felt that I had to do gay in a particular way and realised later that I didn't.

Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I would love to meet someone who was interested in me but couldn't be bothered as such - also have quite a few other things on the wish list like them living locally, shared interests of some sort, getting along... For me there is anxiety when I meet someone that they might really want that and I will inevitably let them down.

Rob.

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 09:49:21 GMT

Hi Paul,

I'd love if you could ask your friend about it, I've pretty much resigned myself to just missing out on this whole aspect and if there's a chance to make any progress I'd love to try. It could well be that my anxiety and asexuality are linked, I mean anxiety does effect sex drive after all, it's some hope.

I know it's silly in some ways, but so much of media seems to point to sexual attraction as a sign of maturity and even humanity. I mean often they cloak it in terms of "love is what makes us human" but that love is just about always sex.

And thanks for this, it's really helping.

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 09:52:06 GMT

Hey Rob,

In all honesty I'm still hoping and praying that I might not be, that I may be able to fix this somehow. I haven't found the nerve to come out about it with my local LGBT+ group, though I go to meetings I think most assume I'm just there for the B section or something; people really don't make much known at my group. I half wish they would just to ease into speaking about it.

I hope you get through this and find someone of a similar persuasion. But I'm struggling against this right now.

Sexuality

Gruffudd — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 11:05:44 GMT

Hi there Alex,

What if you went with it and see what is possible? In everything I always want to see just how much I can do and it is usually more then I think at first. You are brave enough to be thinking about this, and if it is stressing you some help like Paul suggests might be worth a try.

Rob.

Sexuality

Paul — Thu, 28 Jul 2016 03:26:51 GMT

Hi Alex,

I spoke to my friend. We've got a few options:

He has colleagues in Byron Bay or Newcastle.

The other option is he does skype consultations. visit sexlifetherapy.com.au or call (03) 9005 5213. His name is Chris.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Paul

Sexuality

Alex_86 — Thu, 28 Jul 2016 09:18:40 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thank you! I'll give him a call, I'm not sure if I'll be able to travel but it could be a goal to try to make it. Thank you for the help!

Sexuality

Paul — Thu, 28 Jul 2016 20:38:02 GMT

You're welcome Alex.

It would be awesome if you could stay in touch here with us on how things go, as you've read it really helps others in the same situation but also helps you to to keep talking about how things are going whether positive or negative and helps keep the momentum.

Please mention to Chris that you spoke to Paul on Beyond Blue Forums when you call.

Hope to chat soon.

Paul