topic Being punished by dad. in Sexuality and gender identity

Being punished by dad.

Gruffudd — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 09:17:03 GMT

My father has many ways of upsetting me, but always manages to surprise. Here is another one. He has given the apartment in Queensland to my brother, who has been such a good boy being married with children and all. And because he spends money on the credit cards before he earns it (despite being paid double what I am) he is so terribly poor. In comparison I look well off even though I am priced out of living in the city. Father tells me I should be happy for him. I was after all, warned to get married or be out of the will.

I am glad to have followed my grandmothers advice and to be independent of any man including my father. It shouldn't, but it does still upset me when he does these things.

Being punished by dad.

hope4joy — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 12:03:05 GMT

Hi Gruffudd,

Im sorry to hear about this situation. Parents are meant to love and support their kids unconditionally irrespective of their gender/ sexuality/ life choices etc. It sounds like its your dad's way or the highway and there is a lot of bias. I'm glad that you have cultivated your own independence so you are not trapped in your family's situation.

My dad has also let me down on housing but in a different way. He is a real estate agent and he's helped financially disadvantaged young people/ couples to buy houses - even him buying investment properties and letting them buy it through rental payments under generous conditions. But he's never tried to help me in the same way, or in any way financially. It hurts me that he cares far more for strangers/ likes to be the good samaritan... but doesn't care much for his own daughter. It doesn't seem right to me.

How do you cope with /manage your upsets from family?

Kind regards,

Christina

Being punished by dad.

Music_Freak — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 12:12:48 GMT

My family is like that...my sister's the princess (married with kids) and I'm the defective one who's "bent like your mother" (she was bi polar). This hurts for many reasons, as you can imagine...

I'm slowly learning to just zone out and go numb when I'm around them all, like I'm there physically, but mentally I'm miles away.

My dad could help me a lot with fixing up my government house, so it doesn't remind me of my dead mother quite so much, but he only does that for my sister. I'm nothing but sh*t under my family's shoes.

I will get it done, it will take me a long time, since I am unemployed, but I have to believe I will change my surroundings, for my own sanity if nothing else.

Being punished by dad.

Gruffudd — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 12:45:56 GMT

Thankyou both of you.

Having worked on houses, you can do quite a lot with paint and effort over time. I find doing that myself helps me feel more like it is my space, defiantly has been good for the sanity. No matter how hard it might be to make ends meet sometimes, particularly when I was younger, being independent is one thing that helps me cope.

Sometimes it hurts because I care. Dad wouldn't have that power otherwise, I wouldn't let anyone else get away with it. I never quite understand my reaction, I am not the marrying kind, it is not exactly a secret.

So I manage dad by living in another state and only being in contact when I am travelling OK with my mental health and have a little room to move when he says that stuff. Also, my mother, apparently I am "just like my mother", lives nearby and we are get along rather well.

Being punished by dad.

Guest_1055 — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 13:12:37 GMT

Hi Robbie, I am so sorry you are hurting. I long to bring you some sort of comfort to your heart. It hurts so much because deep down we just want our dad's to accept and love us unconditionally or something. But Robbie, I am glad you have your dear mum. I care about you and I hope you will be OK.

Love

Shell x

Being punished by dad.

Music_Freak — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 13:45:25 GMT

Yeah, having one parent that gives us what we need is a big help. I know that's what I miss with my mum not being here...

I'm still waiting to find all of that unconditional stuff. I seem to falter a lot

Being punished by dad.

Gruffudd — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 14:00:38 GMT

I'm glad you had your mum. I know a few people who live with bipolar and they all have so many things that I love about them. If I were asked to describe them it would take me quite a while to get to that part, and when I do it is just one part of an amazing whole.

One of the nice things, I think, about having one good parent and about being adult is that, with the other one you know what is you and what is them.

Being punished by dad.

white knight — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 16:07:12 GMT

Hi Gruffudd

"It shouldn't upset me" of course it would.

We all know you need money to make money. Some of us older folk had it easier. I made some if my own luck by being in the air force = cheap home loan. Then years later was fortunate eniugh to have the skills to build my own home. Some inherit early like your brother. Some in the 1990's got "packages" from employers for retrenchment.

Buying a house in a country town might be one option for you then rent it out

At least you'd be in the market.

Tony WK

Being punished by dad.

geoff — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 19:21:04 GMT

hi Gruffudd, parents often say that they don't favour one child from another, but favouritism does happen and what your father has done is deplorable and to have this threat above your head 'to get married or out of the will' is certainly no way a parent should even try and tell you what to do.
My own father left in his will something which all of my siblings (4) were horrified with, as he left half of his finaces to be split up between the 5 kids, and the other half went solely to his step daughter, so if I do happen to see him again, he will an ear full not only from me but also the 4 other kids.
You can try and be independent of what he does but it's not that easy, because it will always sit there in the back of your mind as 'favouritism'.
My father has let his kids down, just as yours has done the same for you.
Times have changed and customs have changed and we should learn to move with it. Geoff.

Being punished by dad.

Paul — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 22:34:04 GMT

Hugs Rob,

Sorry that your Dad manipulates you like this. It's not fair and of course it bloody hurts.

You must love your Dad for it to hurt, I'm sure that would ramp up the degree of difficulty. So with the best of intentions and most love possible would it be a consideration to let your dad go? Especially seeing that there's hurt and it affects your health.

Paul x

Being punished by dad.

blondguy — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 23:02:16 GMT

Hello Rob, having the huge heart you do it broke mine to see you have been threatened by a parent with their will as I have. This can be soul destroying and unfortunatley I had to let my dad go a few years ago as I was being bullied and manipulated the same. My health really improved.

you are too special and gentle a person for this neanderthal bullying.

Big Hugs Rob

Paul

Being punished by dad.

Gruffudd — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 11:25:32 GMT

Well, like most things it's fine after a few days.

I was thinking. So much has changed around men like dad, it might just be a bit confusing. It is just a thing to know when I should steer clear of it. There is the other sides to him as well, so like most families it is complicated.

Rob.

Being punished by dad.

blondguy — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 12:20:32 GMT

Sorry Rob...I just felt your pain...and as you say it does 'vaporize' after a few days.

Steering clear of it is a smart idea. I do love my dad but when he started 'waving his will' in front me when I was a kid it broke my heart. He is ill now and I am helping him....as his memory is dissipating (dementia) daily big time.

He had lost this 'macho' type A' controlling persona and is now talking with kindness and caring. There is always a bonus. Its just late which makes me sad Rob

Paul

Being punished by dad.

Gruffudd — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 12:54:48 GMT

That is all the complicated stuff right there. Like the other Paul said, the mean things have the power because we do care about the person saying them, but then there is another side, being gay I appreciate the people who stick around because not everyone has. All relationships have the unfortunate things. When grandmother got dementia she became so mean that it was comical. There is a sense in which dad has been doing the same thing for most of my life. One of those moments when he suggested we go for dinner, when I arrived there was a "mail order bride" there... it was awkward. He means well.

Being punished by dad.

blondguy — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 13:05:05 GMT

Oh Rob...awkward is an understatement...you are more gracious than I would be...I do understand that he ment well. I keep getting 'reminded' that my cousin is flying a 737-400 in Europe and how (my dad) wishes I was as 'successful'....It never ends.....He means well.

Being punished by dad.

Gruffudd — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 13:21:51 GMT

The success that matters is not measured by other people. I can't live up to those expectations. I don't want to either. I'm still in touch with my mail order bride, she is married to the boy she had a crush on in high school, I've seen the photo and totally understand. She would tell me that her mother told her that the only thing that matters is integrity, you are not flying a plane Paul, you are caring for a dad who might be in a spot of bother without you - that matters just as much and isn't the only thing to be proud of.

Being punished by dad.

blondguy — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 13:44:29 GMT

(hugs) and thankyou for your wisdom Rob...(and my other friend Paul) Your words and counsel are gold to me. I need it x

Being punished by dad.

gibby3794 — Sun, 17 Jul 2016 09:50:54 GMT

I get what you mean but in a different aspect (i will start off with the positive) my mum and dad were both supportive when i came out, but thats where the support from dad stops, i currently have a full time job own my own car (1993 falcon, nothing flash but its 100% roadworthy not much damage and mechanically perfect, and have my full licence) i am currently trying to get my own place with a few friends and move out of mums house (mum and dad have been split up for like 18 yrs or something like that) and have a bit of savings only $1k so not much but its something and am always helping others in any way i can, and to dad it isnt good enough, there is always some way he has to put me down, by mentioning the dent in my front quater panel for example, i went to his house feeling happy i finally had a decent car and left feeling like crap about it, and he had a whine abiut the money i owed him and that i could buy a car whilst i owed him money (i needed the car as my old one only had a few weeks left to live at that point) and i have since paid the money back that i owe him, even that he was "oh thanks i was just kidding every time i said i wanted the money back"

But his gf's son doesnt have a job at all and doesnt want one, wrote their car off a few weeks ago, owes them heaps of money (way more than i did) and is always roaming the town causing trouble and there is always excuses made for him, same as my brother, only works casually doesnt have nor want to get a licence or move out or anything and again always excuses being made for him, as much as i want to ignore it, it does hurt knowing im never good enough... and he is the same with my youngest brother and sister he doesnt have much to do with them either, id like to know what makes a parent gush over 1 child that is theirs and 1 that isnt even theirs and ignore the rest that are their blood, its beyond me

Being punished by dad.

white knight — Sun, 17 Jul 2016 12:44:48 GMT

Hi Gibby.

As a straight guy I'm following this thread eagerly as part if my self driven desire to understand LGBTI issues. But some topics I can help a little.

Some sons can't do a thing wrong in their mother's eyes. I was a step dad to two step sons (two separate relationships with their mothers) and regardless, they were untouchable. That would place your dad in a situation of friction with his gf.

I wrote an article about "wit" I think it is when googled Topic: wit the only answer for torment- beyondblue

It depicts wit as a means to - nip things in the bud quickly. Eg your dad criticises your car "but I own it". He mentions the dent in the panel " but to get it fixed won't make it more economical" and so on. Its even better if you can predict his comments. Eg he said he wasn't serious about the money being paid back..."great dad, because I took the comments seriously, I had no reason not to".

Summing up, at your age many around you get tempted by flash cars and the debt it brings. You have every reason to be proud.

I think sometimes putting someone down elevates others. Doesn't make it acceptable.

Tony WK

Being punished by dad.

blondguy — Sun, 17 Jul 2016 13:18:26 GMT

Hi Gibby, I just read your post with admiration. The 1993 Falcon is a great car, I had one as a fleet vehicle when they were brand new. If I was your dad I would be mega proud of you and what you stand for. Great post. Dont change anything. Your attitude is exemplary.

Paul