topic Anxious and in limbo with relationship in Sexuality and gender identity

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 02:31:12 GMT

OK so here's my story...

I've been seeing a guy for pretty close to a year now. We message each other everyday, we spend most of the weekend together, including sleepovers. I've met his closest friends, and some of his family. We are monogamous. He holds my hand and expresses physical affection for me in public.

Sounds great, right? But I'm anxious about the future of this relationship for a number of reasons:

1. He doesn't like to use the word 'boyfriend' or 'partner' when describing me. He describes our status as 'dating'. I've expressed discomfort at this, because of how casual it sounds, and his response is that he is uncomfortable with 'heteronormative' terms.

2. He is still in love with a former partner, who no longer lives in the country. They finished up probably a year before we met, and are still in contact. He has been up front about having these feelings (although he hasn't used the L word) and has no plans to move to be with him. He has said he always plans for this person to be in his life on some level.

I have been in relationships before where the other person is really avoidant, and I end up being the one chasing. This doesn't feel like that, but it still seems to have some of those anxious elements that make my head spin: part of me says he doesn't want to commit, yet I can point to so many things about our relationship that are committed, more so than other relationships I've been in.

When talking to him about feeling that I don't feel secure from one day to the next where we are at, he points to all of the stuff I wrote at the top saying he doesn't know what else he can do to make me see that we are on and I should just assume that things will continue as they are.

I'm not so clingy that I expect to be moving in and getting married straightaway, but I would like this in the future. I don't know whether to hang around hoping our relationship will evolve, or whether to cut my losses before I get any deeper. I love this man, but I don't know if things will evolve from here. Am I being unreasonable?

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Jacko777 — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 03:00:51 GMT

Hi Marcus C,

Perhaps you can push forward with your desires, do the things you want and if he is not willing to partake you can find out why. I wouldn't worry too much about the words he chooses to use for your dating status, they are just words and he is obviously rather focused on the terminology. You could check your self to see if you have an underlying expectation of loss, I know I do and it has affected all my relationships, perhaps that security you desire can be found in your own mind. I now practice believing that everything is good until I'm told otherwise.

And I think you should forget about his ex as well, just focus on being his new love.

Jack

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Gruffudd — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 13:11:46 GMT

Hi there Marcus,

It really does sound great. I don't know you are being unreasonable to think things over, it sounds like you use some different language to describe the same things sometimes.

My history of relationships is a bit complicated, what I think of is that where it has been a good thing it has been worth enjoying that time because there is no way to know exactly what is going to happen next. It also reminded me of those times where I acted or spoke out of anxiety alone and how destructive that was. It seems to help to focus on the good bits ignore the stuff I don't like if possible.

Rob.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 04:21:20 GMT

Thank you both. I have decided this has to end, sadly. I think the first post made things sound a little too rosy. This ex is still very much in the picture. In fact, he is back in the country at the moment (albeit temporarily) and my partner (or whatever term is preferred) wants to meet up with him and tell him how he feels. He seems to think I will be ok with this. I'm not. Devastated. I think I'll be here for a little while for support.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Jacko777 — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 04:38:42 GMT

Hi Marcus C,

Sorry to hear this Marcus. But I am glad you have the strength to draw the line, you don't deserve to be hurt. You can come and talk here any time...all the best.

Jack

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

pipsy — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 04:52:25 GMT

Hi Marcus. I do feel sorry for you, you've entered the relationship thinking it was THE one. Obviously your partner still harboured feelings for his ex and because of this was unable to commit. I don't mean this to sound cruel, but maybe your partner was on the 'rebound' from previous relationship. Unfortunately, you came along at the moment he was at his most vulnerable. While he initially said he wasn't going to join his previous partner, he then said his long term plans included him. I think you've done the right thing 'pulling the pin'. I realise it's hurting now, but the longer it continued the more painful, as your feelings deepened. Hopefully, you will eventually meet the right one, and your life will be the happier because your next partner will be right for you.

Lynda.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Gruffudd — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:26:10 GMT

Hi there Marcus,

That is a bit sad, I hope that making this decision releases you from all of those negative feelings tied up with liking someone who is looking somewhere else. My last relationship ended kind of like that, he ended up going back to an old girlfriend and having a baby - I still feel all sorts of conflicting things there. You are most welcome to stay around. I'd love to hear your stories and take on life and am happy to hear about what is happening now.

All the best.

Rob.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:32:06 GMT

Hi Rob, that's really hard. When he left, did you cut off all contact?

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Gruffudd — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 10:55:17 GMT

Well, I wanted to cut off contact and tried for a time. Living in the country that is not possible unless one of us leaves town forever. So there have been many uncomfortable moments and some perfectly fine ones. I think it stirs me up because deep down I like him still even though it wouldn't be a good idea for anything more to happen.

So what next for you?

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:01:27 GMT

This will sound really airy fairy (maybe I'm in the best place for that lol) but I need to get back to being me again. I put a lot of myself into this relationship, as you do, and friendships have fallen by the wayside as a result. I need to get excited about life again without him and remind myself of the good things that I'm sure will lie ahead if I can just get through this bit. But the waves of loneliness, hurt, anger, resentment, and worse, are pretty hard to stave off sometimes. I know all the techniques. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Gruffudd — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:18:31 GMT

Do you have friends and family to distract you? you might have neglected them but go and find them again. Personally I rather like Bridget Jones Diary, Notting hill... with chocolate ice-cream too. Certainly this forum can be a good place to let out some of the story when sympathy is required, breaking up is the worst, I think you are right to go back to those things that are about you.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:24:46 GMT

My family are all interstate, and while there's no issue withme being gay, I can't really discuss this with them in a way that they will understand and I will feel comfortable.Maybe it's like this for straight people too, but I doubt it somehow.

Friends I will definitely be calling on.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Gruffudd — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:37:43 GMT

I don't know what it is like to be straight so can't comment too much there either, I find the same with my family they don't quite get it and it feels awkward. I do find doing stuff with mother is good therapy we can do coffee and travel, go shopping and talk about anything else and it is good for me.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:39:35 GMT

They'll be supportive when I tell them and will worry about how I am. That's the main thing, isn't it?

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Jacko777 — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:53:02 GMT

I don't know what it's like to be gay Marcus but I know what a relationship breakup feels like, I think being supportive is all you can ask and you should make contact with your family.

It will be up and down but I agree with you, it will be great for you to remind yourself of who you are. And as you can see you will have plenty of support here. Hang on through the waves mate, they will reduce with time, stay focused on your new journey.

Jack

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Gruffudd — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 11:54:38 GMT

Yes, good to know they care.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

pipsy — Thu, 14 Apr 2016 06:47:55 GMT

Hi there. Marcus, I'm not gay, but when a relationship breaks down whether it's gay or straight the pain and hurt is real. I'm separated and when my hubby chose to support his parents over me with their unacceptable treatment of me, the pain was almost unbearable. I chose to leave the home, so in that way, you're in a slightly better position. I've had no parental support to fall back on as my parents are deceased. I have two kids who've been amazing, so I've been lucky. The forums have also been very supportive and helped me 'find' myself. Had I known what I was marrying into, I would've walked away. I realise you're in pain, but you are luckier than most in that you found out before you got in too deep.

Hoping you're starting to feel better.

Lynda.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 01:34:46 GMT

So, last night was the night I knew he was going to be seeing the ex. I finally broke down last night and did a lot of crying, imagining them together and grieving for the loss of what (I thought) we had. I felt like going out for a drive to clear my head, but I knew that I couldn't trust myself in that state to not drive round to his place so I called a friend instead.

I am very lucky. After sending just a simple message saying, I need some help, this friend came round with some snacks and drinks and we chatted for a good couple of hours until I'd calmed down and the feelings passed. I am so grateful for that love and support. It was good to have my feelings affirmed as well, to know that I was not wrong in ending this. You know when you feel something is wrong in a relationship, but you keep asking yourself "maybe it's just me, maybe I'm overreacting"... so good to hear an outside perspective from a close friend to tell me, no you were 100% right. My only regret is that I didn't say anything sooner, but I trusted this man and wanted to believe the best in his intentions.

That affirmation has opened a few floodgates, and the love-tinted shades have come off. I'm now starting to recall further things from our relationship that seemed like red flags but I chose to ignore. I wrote them down this morning, just to get them out of my head.

It hurt to be reminded of these things, but it has left me thinking that I may have been lied to or misled more than I thought while we were together. I know thinking these things isn't going to change what happened, but I do think it helps in a way because it is a good reminder that I have done the right thing.

Hurt is hurt, and I think I can ride those bumps with support. It's the tiny little voices of doubt that wish for reconciliation, or think that maybe I was too hasty that need to be snuffed out.

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

Paul — Sun, 17 Apr 2016 21:05:29 GMT

Hey Marcus,

You're amazing. I say that because you've done what I always failed to do. Realise when enough is enough and then write down the red flags and be able to see them. This is great. Sometimes the red flags can be "normal" for one relationship but "real red flags" for another.

There's a really good resource on here that might help explain some feelings that may pop up in the near future. They usually do after a relationship ends. You mentioned grief - that's exactly what these resources are about. grief is more often than not a process that takes a bit of time. The more understanding of it, the better we are able to navigate through and understand where sometimes strange and inappropriate emotions are coming from.

From the menus at the top, "The facts" then "Grief and loss" there's some great articles.

Stay in touch and let us know if any of the grief information helps.

Kind regards

Paul

Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 04:24:01 GMT

Hi Paul, thank you. I'm all on top of the grief lol. I just posted to someone else on here about a breakup that she might want to look up 'the five stages of grief'. They are very true, the swinging between anger, depression, if only, all that.

I found his Recon profile at the weekend which really hurt. There were things in there he was into that I didn't know about. I don't think he cheated on me during our relationship, but I can't be 100% sure. I was talking with a friend about it last night, and he said, it's actually better if you don't know because there is nothing you can do with that knowledge other than get more hurt. And I don't want to be one of those forensic detectives who starts going picking through things to try and find out... what exactly? I already know it's over, and I already know the broad strokes of why.

I just need to keep finding the strength to resist doing that sort of thing. Last night I wrote down some ideas for specific activities for me to do if I get those urges.