topic Am I one of the undateables? in Sexuality and gender identity

Am I one of the undateables?

Gruffudd — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 10:42:59 GMT

I'm wondering if those little things that make me different also make me undateable.

I have tried to make a list. There is plenty to put on it, mostly the things that annoy me though.

The big one would be the mental health about half of my life has been spent in depression, but it could be worse, there is the other half, and it is rather predictable, and there are drugs which I complain about even though they work.

Then there is the sex thing. I never have been all that excited about it and can't figure out wether that was because of being sexually assaulted or if I am just like that. But, I know it is not always central to a relationship.

All of the usual things are there like old, bald, more fat than I used to be...

Perhaps it is just because I live in the country, but then it wasn't any better in the city.

I can't dance, too awkward and hate loud music.

Perhaps it is because I drive a french car, I do love a Renault.

Am I one of the undateables?

Paul — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 11:47:22 GMT

Rob,

If someone loves you and understands you then the depression and you concerned about taking meds becomes secondary.

Lists really suck when it comes to matters of the heart. Usually the heart says "screw your list, most of it is cool the rest doesn... he's soooo lovely"

Sex becomes secondary in most relationships - the amount of time that passes before that bond changes is as variable as we are diverse. Affection, closeness, intimacy (even sharing a packet of chips can be intimate), hugs, proximity, kisses, caring, touching and holding hands - not sex but damn satisfying!

Old? Balding men are handsome! More fat - more to love.

I think country folks are nice than city folks - making a broad generalisation. (I can I'm from the country and live in a city)

How can you talk to someone over loud music?

I think it's the french car. No one understands the horn. Le toot!

Would you date you? (french car notwithstanding)

Paul

Am I one of the undateables?

Paul — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 11:49:08 GMT

"No matter how bent the pot, there's always a lid to fit it" - Paul's Granny

Am I one of the undateables?

Gruffudd — Sat, 17 Oct 2015 10:42:37 GMT

You really can't beat a grandmothers advice.

I still find there is a challenge because often to meet people I have gone out to a place with the music and dancing and I guess that I wouldn't want to end up with someone who loves that kind of thing. I do find some of the big city mentality a little, well, people can seem self absorbed sometimes. And then there was that whole pace of things, if I don't return a text or phone call straight away it doesn't correlate that I haven't thought of you or don't care, I may not be near the phone or may be away from mobile reception. What are the alternatives though? I get a bit stuck there.

To be honest, the french car has been more reliable than the german ones were, perhaps quirky has its benefits.

Rob.

Am I one of the undateables?

Paul — Sat, 17 Oct 2015 12:15:33 GMT

I hear what you're saying about city folks and meeting someone at a dance/music venue. Internet dating is out for me as it's a big red trigger button.

I'm hoping to trip over the man of my dreams and he will catch me before I hit the ground... Wait - that won't happen. Social activities (I use meetup).

Oui re das auto

Am I one of the undateables?

justinok — Mon, 19 Oct 2015 23:30:03 GMT

I find seeing happy couple stuff on Facebook to be quite triggering. Sometimes it seems like everyone except me has a happy, long term, fulfilling relationship. When I'm feeling really uncharitable, it feels to me like people are rubbing their happiness (and my failure to hold down a relationship) in my face. Then I remember that no-one posts about arguments, burnt dinners and hurt feelings on Facebook... haha well not everyone anyway.

Am I one of the undateables?

Paul — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 00:15:16 GMT

What about flying dinners?

Am I one of the undateables?

Gruffudd — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 08:41:32 GMT

Yes,

For me happy couples are very annoying and not just on the Facebook. There are days when it really matters and there are others where I couldn't be happier pottering about on my own. I don't need a boyfriend and mostly am happy and fiercely independent. Perhaps I need to be more accomodating.

Am I one of the undateables?

Paul — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 10:16:53 GMT

What do you mean by more accommodating Rob?

Am I one of the undateables?

Paul — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 10:31:21 GMT

Looks like you, Rob and I are in the same boat in terms of relationship absence.

I've been in a long term relationship (11 years) and on the outside they tend to look shiny and happy. On the inside there are as mentioned, flying dinners (and plates), "I can't believe you just did that" and "you spent your affections on 15 year olds and I spoke with you about it 4 times now this is the end of our relationship"

So it's random chance finding a nice guy and a bit of work maintaining it and a lot of work knowing it's right to continue. (from my perspective)

P xx

Am I one of the undateables?

Gruffudd — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 11:15:56 GMT

Accomodating? There are so many levels to that.

I suspect there are three main parts to my identity that when I don't stay true to I totally misplace the plot. One is being Queer, another is Welsh, and the third Anglican. The reality of the three parts of my identity placed together is that there are members of each community who say and do horrid things towards one or both of the other communities, it is violence and wrong - and with identity it can hurt deep within when one of your own does that. But each part of my identity is what has given me reason to live, without those communities what or who am I?

I guess to me accomodating means allowing parts of me to be put away sometimes, at other times it means not reacting to what hurts and engaging with the rest, and then sometimes I have to check in to understand if something I am doing or saying is not OK for my partner, family, or friends - I find it challenging to do.