topic Confused bisexual in Sexuality and gender identity

Confused bisexual

Smithsons — Thu, 28 Jan 2016 07:14:24 GMT

Hi all, for those who don't know my story, long story short, I'm a 19 year old dude, been dating this girl for 6 years now. Hugely in love with her. She was my everything and I felt so happy and comfortable with her. However, for the entire time we dated, I never told her about my attraction for men. I was so in denial about it all that I even convinced myself that that part of me wasn't even real, or that everyone felt the way I did-everyone was attracted to both sexes, and everyone was just in denial of the part that was least socially acceptable. This girl wasn't my method of proving a point, she never was.. I loved her for her. Still, I put so much emphasis on sexuality, even though right now deep down I'm not sure it's such an important thing. I tried, time and time again, to convince myself I was straight. Obviously it didn't work though. I was very confused, confused about my sexuality.. was I straight, gay? I felt different things at different times, but with this girl, it was always the same, I loved her. I recently came to the conclusion that I was bisexual, and in my head, the idea of me telling her (the first person to know anything about it) and me living guilt free, brought me immense happiness. But I guess I'm not comfortable at all with my sexuality, because since I've told her, things haven't been the same. We're still dating, but gee, we're hanging by a thread. It's not her, she was as awesome as awesome goes when I came out to her. She accepted me completely. But like I said, we're just not the same. I'm not happy anymore, even when I'm with her.. I just feel anxious around her, and it feels like something isn't right. About a month before I came out to her, I was hugely anxious about it all, and had a couple minor panic attacks, and since I've told her, I've been depressed. Three months down the track, and there's no improvement. Some days are obviously better than others, but overall it just hasn't been good. A close cousin of mine, who suffers from anxiety, believes I have it, too, and he thinks this is the cause for my unhappiness-with her and without her. I don't think he's totally wrong. I ALWAYS convince myself of the worst-my relationship is over, I'm going mental (giving me a panic attack), I have cancer, you're a threat to everyone around you. I know this is a big question, and I don't expect anyone to have the right answer, but what should I do?

Confused bisexual

Lori — Thu, 28 Jan 2016 11:51:25 GMT

Hi Smithson,

I am so sorry to hear about the stressful time you are currently going through. It is completely ok for you to be bisexual though... even though it took you a bit to figure it out completely and tell your girlfriend about it that's completely ok.

It's a tough and brave thing you have done telling your girlfriend, she did have the right to know and you should never be ahsamed of who you are. Look at it this way your girlfriend obviously loves you and respects you as she is still with you.

She definitely sounds like a good person for you she seems supportive and understanding. Your cousin is right you seem to be experiencing anxiety symptoms about it all and the way i look at it is that you are so anxious and worried about it all about loosing your girlfriend or becaus eyou seem its changed between you but i don't think you have accepted it yourself yet ? Could you agree? You need to accept who you are for others to do the same it looks to be that your girlfriend is on board.

Try focus on not worrying too much about it all and try get your relationship back to how it was. Talk to your girlfriend more about it and be proud of yourself you've done such a brave thing 🙂

- Lori 🙂

Confused bisexual

Paul — Thu, 28 Jan 2016 23:27:47 GMT

Hey Smithsons,

Sorry that you're not feeling 100% mate, It's tough working through things like this because they are pretty fundamental to who we are.

You wrote about how you love your girlfriend quite a few times, so there's no doubt there. I get the feeling that now you have told her, you're grieving for something. It seems like you've come out as bi and you've lost something important to you. Does this make any sense?

What are your thoughts?

Paul.

Confused bisexual

Smithsons — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 21:10:18 GMT

Thank u both for ur reply, I appreciate it a lot.

lats, the answer to ur question is - myself.. I feel like I've lost myself. I really don't recognise the person I am anymore. I know this might not make sense considering the fact that, well, I am bi, this is me.. but I think in the past I just put so much emphasis on denying it and suppressing the part of me that found men attractive that I myself became afraid of it, so now that it's finally out there, I just don't know how to deal with it. Everyone's telling me it's okay to be bi and I appreciate it dearly, but I just can't seem to bring myself to feel okay. I have rare moments where I'm actually proud of the person I am, and I even see the goodness in this all, but they fade away pretty quickly... So to answer ur question, Lori, no, I definitely don't think I've accepted myself.

Confused bisexual

Paul — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 01:51:13 GMT

Hey Smithsons,

I understand what you're saying. It's pretty exhausting coming to terms with something. I get the feeling that telling your girlfriend made it "official" for you and that means that you have transformed into something else and as you say, you don't recognise yourself anymore.

So, It's OK to feel like that. It's OK to feel like you don't know what's next and it's OK to feel like you don't recognise yourself. After any big change there's GOT to be a period of adjustment. For a lot of us it's a form of grieving. We're grieving for something which has changed or gone. For others it's the uncertainty of how we feel now and the choices we have.

Perhaps it's time to simply do nothing at the moment. Coast along, take in the world, see it with your new eyes but in terms of trying to work things out. Take a break. Be aware of accepting yourself, but lighten the emotional load. This can be really powerful sometimes as the reduced pressure paints everything with a different light and things are clearer.

What do you think?

Hugs... Paul.

Confused bisexual

rollingstone — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 07:44:23 GMT

Hi. i am new on here. I hope i am in the right section to post.I too am Bi-sexual. I am 67 and been this way most of my life. My partner knows i am bi but does not want to know about it. I have been struggling with depression now for at least the last 10 yrs. I just wish i was normal.I am in such a bad space at the moment and dont know which way to turn.My story is so long and complicated.Can you give me any advice

Confused bisexual

Paul — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 09:08:08 GMT

Hi rollingstone, welcome!

It does seem like there's a bit troubling you at the moment. I'm sorry it's causing you pain.

You're in the right place to chat about it. You could start your own conversation by visiting the forums and finding the sexuality and gender identity forum then click on "New Thread"

Or we can chat here.

I get the feeling that being Bi is causing you pain, enough to wish you were "Normal". Thing is, you ARE normal. No one is 100% straight or 100% gay. Let's chat about this on a new thread, could you start a new one for us and tell us more about how you're feeling?

Paul x

Confused bisexual

rollingstone — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 11:24:37 GMT

Thanks for the reply. I have kept it a secret all my life for fear of what people might think of me.From a young age i knew there was something not right.I always wanted to be part of the gang as they say but struggled to fit in. It has been like living 2 seperate lives.The only people who knew were the people i met who were just like me.I married to make it look like i was like everyone else.Trying to hide it has been a struggle but now i am 67 and wonder where time has gone.Times have changed and i just wish i had accepted who i am years ago but was too afraid. I have seen counsellors over the last 10 years but i am still depressed, Maybe because i cant be honest. I sometimes feel like just dissapearing so as not to have to deal with it all

Confused bisexual

Paul — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 20:34:35 GMT

Hi rollingstone,

Glad to see you back!

It's a bit of an awakening in itself to realise one day that we've been living with something missing or kept something from ourselves, but that doesn't invalidate what we've experienced up to that moment. Some of us weren't ready to explore that part of ourselves for so many reasons. None of them worth beating ourselves up over, especially seeing as it's the past. We can only control what happens from now on.

You've mentioned still feeling depressed because you can't be honest and that you feel like disappearing so you don't have to deal with it. Do you mean that you can't be honest with yourself or others?

If it's with yourself, are you able to reassure yourself that being completely honest inside will most likely be less painful than feeling depressed, after all, thoughts are just thoughts and emotions are just emotions you don't have to act on them.

I'm making no assumptions or judgements in asking; if you are sexually active with others, do you know all about staying safe?

If you had have accepted who you are all those years ago, can you tell me what your life might look like now?

Take care - hope to hear from you soon.

Paul

Confused bisexual

rollingstone — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 01:52:17 GMT

I am in a relationship with a lovely woman who is so understanding. I told her a while back that i am bi-sexual but she would rather not talk about it. I thought being honest with her was the best way but i still am bi and that will never change.I think if i had come out years ago i feel my life may be different. My family live overseas and none of them know that i am bi.I think it is just that i am afraid to tell people after all this time .I have always lived 2 seperate lives.I dont want to hurt anyone but i struggle with my identity. I see how happy a lot of people are who accept who and what they are. I have never been open about my sexuality with the exception of a close friend and my partner. We are joint tenents in a house. She loves sexual attention but i sometimes struggle with that.As i get older it gets harder to deal with.....Very confused

Confused bisexual

Paul — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 21:03:22 GMT

Hi rollingstone,

I hope you're feeling OK.

What do you think would change if you were to come out to more people, like your family or close friends?

You mention that you see how happy a lot of people are who accept who and what they are. It does seem that acceptance brings a sense of relief. what do you find the most difficult about accepting yourself?

Paul x

Confused bisexual

rollingstone — Tue, 09 Feb 2016 11:24:01 GMT

I don't really know Paul. I think it is just frightening seen as how i have gone through my whole life hiding and pretending to be someone that maybe i am not.I have been unhappy most of my life.I have a wonderful understanding lady in my life and i feel as if i am deceiving her even though she knows i am bi-sexual.I was watching a little of the insight programme on sbs tv. I think i will have to watch all of it.The bit i saw was a couple who are married and he is bi-sexual.I get afraid to talk with my partner. She wants me to talk with her when i am down.She is getting to know me like a book.I feel as if i cannot share what is going on in my head with her as i think my main problem is my sexuality and trying to accept after all these years. I feel as if time has passed me by.Is it too late to change and accept things as they are.I get so frustrated and angry with myself. I never want to upset anyone.I keep everything inside me and don't want to share as i feel it would burden other peoples lives.I always try and deal with it myself

Confused bisexual

Paul — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 11:04:30 GMT

Hey rollingstone,

We're happy to listen and it's not a burden.

I think I am missing something. Are you saying you regret missing out on acting on your bisexuality or you want to now, or both?

It's interesting what couples work out and discuss. I think I mentioned my friends, he came out to his wife as bi and also told me. He is faithful to his wife and she is understanding that if he wants to watch an erotic movie with just guys, it's cool. I can imagine the insight show on ABC was interesting in that respect too.

You mentioned last message and also in this one that you don't want to upset anyone. What would be some things that might upset people around you?

Take care xx

Paul