topic How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+? in Sexuality and gender identity

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 04:22:06 GMT

I've always replied to threads but never created one myself, so here goes.

I have many queer friends, and I love hearing their stories about how and when they realised their sexuality. So I'm opening up the question to people: if you're comfortable sharing, when did you first realise you were part of the LGBTQIA+ community?

I went to an all-girls school and never really had any contact with boys until I was about 14/15, but I never thought that experiencing attraction to girls was possible for me. When I was probably about 11 or 12, I remember that there was one girl in my class who was new, and I just really wanted to be her friend for some reason. I couldn't explain why, but I just really wanted her to like me and be friends with me. I've now recognised that this is a common experience for closeted queer women.

It wasn't until I was 16 when I first started experiencing feelings towards a girl. I kept asking myself "is this a crush? these are feelings that I usually have towards boys, why am I feeling this towards a girl?". It was a strange time for me as I slowly came to realise that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't straight. I ended up coming out a year or two later to my sister, who is also queer. We had never really discussed our feelings towards the LGBTQIA+ community so didn't know how each other would react. But when one of us expressed our feelings, it was quite a pleasant surprise when the other one did too.

I have since become quite open about my bisexuality. I have a little rainbow in my Instagram bio, I have many queer friends and we all like sharing in our attraction towards hot celebrities and our similar queer experiences. It's interesting that since I've immersed myself in the community, I've become quite enamoured with queer experiences, so much so that I intend to carry this passion into my career, and pursue it as a potential research avenue. I would love to work with children and adolescents in future, and to be able to be an advocate specifically for LGBTQIA+ children and teens would be so fulfilling.

What's your experience of realising your identity? What's your story of coming out? I'd love to hear from fellow Beyond Blue LGBTQIA+ people.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

tmas — Sun, 20 Mar 2022 11:19:18 GMT

We keep running into eachother 🙂

As far as sexuality? I had a catholic upbringing and was always scared that I could be ‘something else’. I spent my early years raised by my mother and her mother, all cishet women with a sprinkling of cishet men who were very aloof. None of them were particularly open to LGBTQ+ people and ideas, don’t think it was ever a thought in their mind (it astounds me how people can be so sure of their sexuality, maybe they were a different generation, maybe they were lying, but probably the former). My mother wasn’t directly homophobic, but was biphobic and always said “bisexual men are gay men in denim, bisexual women are straight women wanting attention from men” whenever the label arose in conversation which hit me real hard and is a little ear worm I sometimes can’t shake to this day. It’s also SO FALSE and she has come around a bit. I think I had crushes on girls in my late childhood and teens - wanting to impress them, easy rejection and dejection, wanting to be the closest to them and have their affection, which I didn’t have in other friendships. regardless, I was scared of being queer (it was even an ocd obsession in early highschool spurred on when one of these crushes came out to me as gay) and in denial until about 18 when I finally admitted it to another queer friend. Dated a guy at 17 (who I was never attracted to), and a girl at 18 (who my relationship with was undermined by us both having severe mental illnesses). The relationship with the girl is actually how I came out (to my mum and sister that is), mother was completely misrepresenting our relationship to someone else during a fight and I had to come out in self defence which I still regret to this day. Now however, I’ve never had a problem owning bisexuality to the people I choose as friends. I am dating a man now and am incredibly happy with him, he knows I’m bi and kind of doesn’t care which makes me happy. Not so happy that some people seem to think Ive outgrown the ‘bisexual phase’… but they can live their own delusion and I’ll live mine.

Gender? It took accepting my sexuality to allow myself to admit I had so much trouble figuring my attraction out because I simply had no grasp on how I myself relate to gender. I was hyperfeminised as a child, and quite the opposite in my early teens, late teens I didn’t leave the house and after highschool I kind of just tried to forget about it. It’s not time to come out, I’m keeping this one close for now.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

tmas — Tue, 22 Mar 2022 22:05:14 GMT

I said ‘denim’ instead of ‘denial’…

What do I even do with that

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Thu, 24 Mar 2022 13:26:59 GMT

We do indeed!

I had someone a few months back ask me if I'd "outgrown the bisexual phase" because I am also currently in a hetero-presenting relationship, and I genuinely started laughing. Biphobia sucks.

It's really interesting how you've mentioned that your questions about your gender identity followed the acceptance of your sexuality. I've seen this exemplified in so many people. I think that this comes from the notion that our sexuality and gender can be closely linked. For example, I know of a trans influencer who explained that the experience of being homosexual as a trans male feels far more comfortable than it did for him being heterosexual prior to coming out. The attraction remains the same, but sometimes the identity acceptance and subsequent labels make all the difference. Really interesting concept.

I'm so glad to hear that you're able to own your bisexuality to your friends, that's amazing. It's super empowering to have people in your life who accept you for who you are. Especially as a queer person, it can be terrifying expressing your sexuality to somebody new, as there's always that underlying fear of judgement.

Always great hearing your perspective Tmas 🙂

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

beezel — Sat, 09 Apr 2022 01:16:44 GMT

Hi SB, I woke up one morning in my late 50's strongly and undeniably sexually attracted to women. It was a bolt from the blue after 28 years of a relatively happy hetero marriage and a couple of kids. I feel like I've been to hell and back with very limited support from anyone who has lived the experience.

Trying to make a decision about something over which a decision is not really possible if that makes any sense was phase 1, but once I realized I really had to follow a new path life got a smidge easier. What has been helpful has been an amazing sexual counsellor; really hard to get into and justifiably not cheap, but worth asking the GP for a referral if you are questioning, and a book by Carron Strock called Married Women who love women, and I've had unconditional support from friends and colleagues; most hetero as long as I keep my sexuality to myself. lol.

It's a really hard journey later in life, a different journey seeming from that of younger women. Almost a minority group within a minority group. A peer support group would be wonderful; sometimes you just want to hear that someone cares and that you are not alone.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

Dougie1989 — Tue, 12 Apr 2022 14:15:03 GMT

I care and I understand it took me quite a while to realise I was gay I had absolutely no idea when I was at school but when I did realise it suddenly made me comfortable with who I was you are definitely not alone my family love and accept me for who I am and I’m sure yours will to

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

geoff — Tue, 12 Apr 2022 14:33:46 GMT

People's perspective in life can easily change and it can start by being able to relate to the same sex the majority of the time, and when this happens, you may begin to form a stronger alliance with them, which then leads onto other realities.

Geoff.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Wed, 13 Apr 2022 13:54:53 GMT

Hey Beezel,

Thank you so much for opening up to us. What an interesting experience. It's great that you've found people who support you on your journey. I'm curious to know, have you had a chat to your spouse about your realisation at all, or would it be difficult to open up this conversation with them?

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

beezel — Thu, 21 Apr 2022 22:50:54 GMT

Absolutely SB, we've had the conversation and are no longer together. A lot of disbelief and denial for many, many months but remained supportive and hopeful I'd get over this phase..I wish. We are no longer together, still talking and co-operating with the children. Much easier to talk now.

I too have found immersion into community interesting; a lot of happy, energetic and eclectic / queer people so accepting and fun and others with odd and hostile behaviours from protective responses to past hurts carried forward. I have carried my experience into my professional life too SB. It has made me a much more accepting person. Good luck with your research, I've engaged this demographic group to develop resources previously. They know what they want; mainly to be listened to and be consulted on what they want and how they want to be involved, so I guess listening and self-determination, control and respect.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 09:42:57 GMT

Beezel,

I'm sorry to hear that you're no longer together. It shows great respect for each other that you're still able to co-parent, that's fantastic.

I think it's incredible that you've found a community to share your experiences with, not so good that some of them are hostile but it's great that you've taken the perspective of understanding their behaviour as a response to their cumulative experiences.

Thank you for your advice! Attitudes and experiences within the queer community are so interesting to me, I'm keen to learn more.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

Kellkell — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 15:03:06 GMT

It was only through my 30s that I released I was bisexual but I still struggle to tell people in my life and still feel I’m not queer enough to be a complete part of the lgbti+ community.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 14:16:13 GMT

Kellkell,

Thank you so much for posting, and welcome to this thread.

May I ask why is it that you feel this way? Is there something you can identify that is driving these feelings?

As a bisexual woman myself, I've been quite involved with the LGBTQIA+/queer community for a few years now, and I can reassure you that your identity is valid and always will be. The queer community prides itself on its inclusivity and acceptance, and all queer identities are welcome.

Feel free to chat with us some more, I'd love to hear about your own experience of being bisexual if you would feel comfortable sharing.

Take care, SB

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

Rocky_P_ — Mon, 09 May 2022 13:11:37 GMT

Hi sbella,

This is a great question, and something I've always struggled to define. I guess it was something that I sort of always knew. Even as a young child around 10yo I remember feeling different. My friends were all talking about their 'girlfriends', but I was more interested in my male friends and had zero interest in hanging out with girls or even talking to them. But it was when I was 13yo that I had a crush on my friend and then when we were hanging out we kissed and I knew that I was officially attracted to boys. It would take me another 12 years until I was comfortable to come out to my family and other friends though. So, for me it was a case of I guess I always knew.

Cheers for the question

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

Kellkell — Tue, 10 May 2022 12:27:21 GMT

Hi SB,

thank you for the thoughtful reply.

I have been more involved with the lgbti+ community this year and do mostly feel welcomed but I guess I feel stuck between two worlds and don’t know how to fully be myself in both, I realise they shouldn’t be separated parts of me.

Seems like an identity crises that I am probably over thinking.

As for my experience as a bisexual, it has been more sexual and maybe trying to find a more solid emotional connection may make me feel like I’m not bisexual enough. But more recently I had an interesting with a lesbian that was happy to get to know each other then randomly pulled out concern as bisexuals always end up married to men.

As and added bonus I feel like I probably should know who I am by now.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Tue, 10 May 2022 15:32:35 GMT

Rocky P,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I like that you had clarity from a young age, that's always comforting. Were your family and friends supportive, if you feel comfortable sharing?

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Tue, 10 May 2022 15:41:00 GMT

Kellkell,

In terms of knowing who you are, I believe that our identities can be fluid and will change depending on what stage of life we're at, who we surround ourselves with etc. There's no pressure to define your identity or assign a label to yourself or your feelings, especially when they're complicated and hard to define.

While it can be the case that some bisexual women end up marrying men, this should not be a reason for this person to judge you or your decisions. Once again, stereotypes inhibit so much of our dating experience as bi women, and it can be super frustrating.

I feel that, not being bisexual enough. I've often heard people talk about one's "ratio" when it comes to bisexuals, meaning how much you're attracted to males vs females. I've always thought I have more of a preference to men, which makes me constantly question my own attraction and sexuality. But to be honest, if I've learnt anything from surrounding myself with LGBTQIA+ people in the past few years, sexuality can be fluid and that's okay. Your bisexual experience isn't any less valid if it differs to somebody else's.

SB 🙂

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

Willow Jude — Mon, 06 Jun 2022 11:10:42 GMT

Thanks for the post sbella02, this is a great opportunity for LGBTQIA+ people to share their stories 🙂

For me, I recognised I was somewhat physically attracted to women around the end of high school, but didn’t think I was capable of romantic attraction to women until about 5 years later when I developed an undeniable crush on a female character (and, later, the actor that played her). This prompted me to begin looking back on the way I had felt about women in the years beforehand, and I realised some of these feelings were likely crushes and not just me really really wanting to be friends with them like I had thought. At this point I felt that I was probably bi but wasn’t 100% sure, but over the next six months I became certain.

I first discussed it with one of my friends not long after I began questioning, and told them I thought I might be bi but didn't know for sure. Once I had accepted my sexuality some months later, I didn’t feel ready to come out, but forced myself to tell one of my closest friends because, due to the nature of our friendship, I felt guilty keeping it from her. However, after telling her, I realised how amazing it felt to share and own my identity, and I told all my other friends and immediate family the next day.

How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

sbella02 — Sat, 11 Jun 2022 15:22:10 GMT

Willow Jude,

What a beautiful story, thank you so much for sharing. "Really wanting to be friends" very much resonates with me, I had this thought a few times before I realised that this translated to same-sex attraction for me.

Being open about your identity can feel exhilarating and so freeing. Congratulations on coming out, that takes a fair bit of courage, from experience. Loving the bisexual representation, too.

SB 🙂

Re: How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

Hidden_Dragon — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 08:03:35 GMT

It feels like such a longer story than it should be...

I kept my sexuality and gender preference to myself for most of my life, which socially speaking worked out well. I lied to everyone else about it and supressed it which took it's toll but I dealt with it with a range of negative coping strategies. I myself, due to my conditioning, became quite homophobic and transphobic myself (even when exposed to the community). It took many years of self reflection to realise what was really going on. I became oddly close with certain people of the same gender and it wasn't until I started asking myself, 'do I want be them, or do I want to be with them?' that I realised something else was going on. Turns out I was getting feelings of jealousy mixed up with feelings of attraction. Don't know whether to call it a light bulb moment or a face palm moment. Not to mention the feelings of envy for those of the opposite gender. I kept telling myself it's completely normal to want to be the opposite gender majority of the time, and be the opposite gender in 99 percent of my dreams... apparently not

So I eventually after much procrastination, denial, and therapy started transitioning. I was actually funnily enough pretty far into my transition before anyone even realised what was going on. It wasn't until people had noticed I had legally changed my name, then that's when everything started falling apart for me. I became the talk of the town (not a good thing when your the first openly trans man in a small rural town). But it wasn't even that that bugged me. People became obsessed with my sexuality, which at the time and to this day I haven't got 100 percent figured out. It became a game to many folk at whether I was into boys or girls. People would see if they could get me to like them even though they didn't want to be with me. It was cruel and quite devaluing. It really lowered my self esteem and made me super paranoid about what people's intentions were. I had people from religious groups try to convert me and my closest allies practice conversion therapy on me. They would bully me and my dogs relentlessly and I had to move out of my house.

Still in the process of relocating now, but the trouble seems to follow me where ever I go. Words hurt, and I seem to be soaking up every negative comment like a sponge. I keep getting told to ignore the people around me, but it's hard, I didn't sign up to this.

Re: How did you realise you were LGBTQIA+?

Guest_9866 — Thu, 07 Mar 2024 13:37:41 GMT

I was advance for my age. I dont have any memory of abuse but was aware of step issues when older. Sex education was not allowed. Still dealing with straight expectations as a carer for a parent. I think I am suffer of what known as internal phobia which is causing significant intimacy anxiety. This is caused by upbringing plus I live in regional community which even today has barriers. I understand reason behind the rainbow flag(s) but I am not fond of it because I rather just be accepted without need to bring upon attention. I got drunk and came out via social media but quickly retreated and found Narnia. This was due to mix responses which I thought wasnt going to happen. So that reconfirm to myself that I need not hide but rather its no one elses business.