topic Strangled by the woman within in Sexuality and gender identity

Strangled by the woman within

Joe_Black1 — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 05:38:26 GMT

Hello Forum-World,

I’m in a real spot of bother. Not sure if I’m self-destructing or if I’m just lost on the path of “depression alley”. Had some really dark thoughts in the last 48hrs and I'm simply throwing it out here on BB to ‘vent’. I’ve struggled with transgender thoughts since around age 6. School was a mess of confusion, hormones and fear. Enough said, most of you probably had the same or worse. I hated myself and every living thing. Literally despised myself the more I became ‘manly’. I attempted very harmful things along the way to escape. Back in the 70’s growing up in a small town, transgender wasn’t even a word. My thoughts and desires had no name, just pain.

Adulthood began with what I do best: becoming, behaving as people expected of me mostly. I joined the Army just as all the males in my family did. I hated it and left. My loving father didn’t speak to me for several days after my return. I have felt that pang of shame and disappointment many times since. To regain my parents approval, I became a manager and worked for many years in jobs I mostly disliked, always fighting my inner demoness in private. I tried women’s’ clothes in private, but that made the feelings stronger and more painful.

Now in my 40’s and married with 2 great kids. I have it all.. good house, job, beautiful wife & kids - but inside my inner demoness is slowly choking me. They deserve better than this, better than me. My self-loathing & destructive ways are creeping back and my medication is losing. I drink too much and get very tired or angry. I am filled with fear & hatred. Fear for what I may do and hatred for there is no escape. I see stories of other trans women such as Andreja Prejic moving on with their lives, but I know that can’t happen for me. I made my bed and now I lie in it. I am a married family man and society has strong views on this. My stomach is hurting just thinking about it. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I’ve tried therapy. She was a lovely lady who did her best to try and understand my situation. However, I don’t feel like she really gets it. I feel more like I’m just educating her on the “trans condition” for her memoirs… any good therapist recommendations?

I want to meet other transfolk to talk, learn & hopefully laugh. Laughing… I think I remember how that goes. Are there support groups for us? I’m afraid to go though: there are only two people who know my condition – my Doc & my Therapist (& you lovely BB peeps)

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Strangled by the woman within

Doolhof — Sun, 08 Mar 2015 11:19:44 GMT

Hi JB,

I seem to recall a story similar to yours a while ago, but sorry I can't remember who it was from. Have you checked out other posts to see if you can relate to any of them?

When you are really tired or angry, or both, how does your wife react? Do you think she has any idea at all as to how you feel deep down? Have you shared this information with her and if you did, how do you think she would feel?

Is there an option for you to leave the family, to still support them and be in contact with your children?

I am not in your situation, so I don't know how you feel. For me, I had always wanted to be a Mum since I was about 14, I had 5 pregnancies, none went past 21 weeks so I have no live children. I wanted to adopt but my husband didn't. For years I battled with "Do I stay with a guy who doesn't want to help me be a mother or do I leave?" I stayed.

As I said, it is certainly not the same thing, but we all have to make choices. I have carried around a shattered heart for a couple of decades, but have still managed to be happy and content in other ways.

I hope you can make peace with which ever way you decide to go in life!

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

Strangled by the woman within

GothGirl79 — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 04:15:01 GMT

Hi JB,

Firstly I will say that there most definitely are support groups available. There could be local support groups depending on where you live, however I make an assumption that going to such might be a big step at this stage if you have only spoken about your identity with two people. A really good start is some of the online Facebook groups - just search for 'trans' in groups and have a read of the various group descriptions and you will hopefully find one that suits yourself.

To possibly provide you some awareness as well, I will let you know my life experience.

I knew from my earliest memories (pre-school) who I was meant to be and was so upset that my body didn't match. Like you, in the later 70's early 80's there was no knowledge of gender dysphoria and my parents certainly didn't know how to help me. I learnt to hide as well and pretend to be what society wanted.
School, I prefer to just forget with the problems I went through with harassment and bullying. I then went through a stage of trying to prove, even to myself, what I wasn't. It included joining the military as well, although I am still in it *smile*.
I married, and although I put up with an abusive relationship for ten years because I thought I had to, I was blessed with three amazing daughters.
The depression that had plagued me my entire life built up though, until one incident that I came very close to ending my own life. I knew then that I had to transition if I wanted to survive.
I am still working through a very acrimonious divorce with many arguments about time with my children. But I can say that I have never been more at ease with who I am - as a mother now to my girls, as a professional military officer, and to be honest - simply as me.

Life is hard, whether you stay with what is 'comfortable and safe' or whether you take the risks. But life is always worth living - for our loved ones, for those that love us, and most importantly for ourselves - because there really is laughter out there, it just hides from us at times.

Kindest wishes

Strangled by the woman within

HA1 — Tue, 10 Mar 2015 09:00:33 GMT

GothGirl

Beautiful and warm reply to JB. Please stick around.

Strangled by the woman within

Joe_Black1 — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 05:32:56 GMT

Thank you Mrs Dools and GothGirl,

Your responses are good to read and I’m relieved and glad my post was read and people took the time to reply. I am going through what I can only describe as a pretty sickening roller-coaster of doubt, confusion and self-hate at the moment. I range from feeling like I can’t keep up the charade, to questioning my every thought. I have so little self-confidence and belief that I can’t be sure which is my real “inner voice” anymore.

However, I will take up your advice and look into FB groups for trans people. I hadn’t even considered that. I can only imagine there would be a fair number of them.

Gothgirl, you mentioned you are still in the military – how did that go with your transition? I had a male friend show me an email he received from a business contact advising that he would now like to be known as a female name and my friend had a good laugh. He has no idea that his reaction was stabbing me inside, but it’s so hard to bring up. How did it go for you?

Strangled by the woman within

Doolhof — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 10:12:13 GMT

Hi JB,

Have you had any luck finding any groups or contacts with trans people? I'm sure if you typed specific words into Google, you will come up with all kinds of information and contacts.

I don't know anyone in your situation to be able to advise you how they have managed the transition. That is not by choice, I just haven't met anyone in your situation.

I'm wondering if it would be possible for you to get away for a weekend to a place where no one knows you, where you would feel comfortable living out how you feel on the inside? Would something like that help you, or do you think it might add to your confusion as to who you should be right now.

It must have been devastating for you when your friend had a laugh over the email he received about a person now wanting to be known by a females name.

Some people are certainly more accepting of the differences in others, but others are so intolerant and just don't try to understand.

I am a Christian and I have a friend who believes in witches. We are still friends even though our beliefs are so completely different.

Hopefully you will find people who will accept who you desire to be.

While you are still trying to sort out/decide who you want to be, do you have hobbies and interests to keep you grounded, to give you pleasure, a sense of achievement and a sense of self esteem? We all need to feel fulfilled some how.

Once again, I hope some of this helps. I have never walked in your shoes, so don't know how you are feeling. We all need to know that someone cares, so please accept my thoughts and ideas as being from a person who hopes you manage to find yourself.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Strangled by the woman within

Joe_Black1 — Wed, 25 Mar 2015 22:03:19 GMT

Thanks again Mrs Dools,

Right now I don't have any chance of getting away by myself. Hopefully one day...

I have a few small hobbies to take my mind off things, plus I do love a glass of wine and cheese! They tend to make me feel more myself (but I don't overdo it now I'm on my meds). I have put out the feelers online and found some groups (mostly matchmaking sadly - not what I need right now!), but I will persevere.

Strangled by the woman within

Doolhof — Thu, 26 Mar 2015 22:52:34 GMT

Hi JB,

Just wondering how your wife fits in with all of this? Have you told her at all how you are feeling or do you think she will freak out if you tell her?

You mentioned in your first post that the only people who know how you feel are your Dr. and your therapist. (and now all of the BB Community!)

If you are feeling depressed and have a sense of being lost, then your wife must notice this. Does she question you about how you are feeling and why?

Regarding the liking of wine, do you live near a wine producing area? You could take the family out and go for a little tour. I am not advocating the over indulgence of wine tasting, just choose a couple of places and go and have a look and a bit of a taste.

We live close to the Barossa Valley in S.A. I don't like wine very much but enjoy visiting the wineries for the heritage, the food on offer, the gardens, the views sometimes and some have walks around their properties and art displays.

Enjoying your hobbies and finding things to do that give you a sense of satisfaction or achievement is important to us all.

Thanks for getting back to me. It would be wonderful if you could share how you feel with your wife, but that may just not be the right thing to do at all.

I had a girlfriend who was told by her husband that he was gay and wanted to be with boys, so she left him and took their two sons with her. I don't think she had any contact with him again after that. So I guess that is something you must be thinking about as well if you tell your wife how you are feeling.

Life can be daunting, but it can be beautiful as well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Strangled by the woman within

Joe_Black1 — Fri, 27 Mar 2015 05:27:02 GMT

Hi Mrs D,

I wonder constantly how much my wife knows or suspects. I have told her about my depression, but certainly not about my gender issue. I'm not ready for that and she has mild MS, so as far as the "who's suffering the most", she wins that hands-down. She's not afraid to use that as an excuse for just about any failing these days, and I have no come-back (not that I'm not without my faults... clearly!!)

She and I have had a loving relationship, but with MS comes al kinds of problems for her, which impact on us both. She is incredibly strong however and I admire her ability to drive herself no matter what. Her late father came out as bisexual a decade ago and began living with a man, and she took that quite well. although it will be somewhat different for the father of her children, and rightfully so. I still love her and always will, but I suspect that I too am bisexual (not that I want to leave her anytime, however).

We do live near a wine producing area, but not as renowned as the Barossa! Hence my love of wine. I like your idea of walks - it is one of my favourite quiet-time activities.

Thank you,

Strangled by the woman within

Doolhof — Fri, 27 Mar 2015 22:31:44 GMT

Hi JB,

Only you will know if there is ever a right time to tell your wife what is going on inside your mind and your body.

Maybe she would be accepting of you telling her the truth, in relation to her father now living with a man.

I don't know a great deal about MS only that it can be very debilitating and painful. Do you tell your wife that you admire her for her courage and her tenacity?

It is wonderful that you love your wife and do not plan top leave her.

Sometimes I feel my husband and I are only still together as it is convenient for us both! For many years he has said that we are just friends and that breaks my heart. We now have separate bedrooms, and he doesn't like me touching him at all.

He prefers to go away weekends with his mates instead of with me, goes to the movies and to dinner with the guys as well. Occasionally I wonder if he is gay or if he is just fed up with the marriage and can't be bothered making any changes one way or the other.

I have thought about leaving many times, but with my meagre wage I wouldn't even be able to pay rent let alone eat or pay the bills. So what is the answer? I don't know. At least you still love your wife and you have your children as well.

Arrh. Sorry for being on a bit of a downer. Life sucks sometimes and it just isn't always as easy as we would like it to be.

I might go for a walk later, that will be a nice thing to do.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

Strangled by the woman within

Jazzie — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 01:01:44 GMT

Hi,

As a parent of a FTM 13 year old child we are finding it hard to navigate let alone being an adult. I have found many fabulous on-line forums esp closed ones on FB that have opened my eyes to this and have received the most amazing support. Also, finding the right "specialist" is a tricky thing but keep looking because when you find the right assistance it widens so many things for you to explore. Good luck on your journey xx

Strangled by the woman within

GothGirl79 — Fri, 01 May 2015 00:27:22 GMT

JB,

The military has been a quite interesting experience in terms of transition.
I was only the second person to publicly transition in the Air Force and I am also the only female in my career field so there were a number of factors at play.

To be honest - I have received overwhelming support from all levels.
There have certainly been incidents of harassment and I know of a number of things that have been said behind my back however these are very much the minority.
If anything I suffer more discrimination by simply being female in a Very male dominated work force.

(My apologies in the delay of my reply as well - work does get hectic *smile*)

Kindest wishes

Strangled by the woman within

GothGirl79 — Fri, 01 May 2015 00:43:12 GMT

Mrs Dools,

I read you post regarding your relationship with a feeling of sadness.
I have a little knowledge having seen my parents' relationship exist in such a way for quite some time now. My mother in particular has found that be re-establishing her social connections she can find satisfaction and joy without relying on my father.

I do hope you find a way forward for your own needs most importantly. Walks are pretty good (my daughter loves exploring walking tracks with me) although right now here in Canberra it is already too cold!

Kindest wishes

Strangled by the woman within

GothGirl79 — Fri, 01 May 2015 00:47:16 GMT

Hi Jazzie,

All I can say is well done - if you are here and actively finding support for your child you are very much doing exactly the right thing.

I hope that by your comment, you have found the right specialist for your child. Having gone through my own journey in three different states and also assisting other military members (which include a number of FtM members) in finding help, I know all too well how hard that can be here in Australia.

I wish you, your family, and especially your son the very best.

Kindest wishes

Strangled by the woman within

Doolhof — Fri, 01 May 2015 07:20:47 GMT

Hi GothGirl,

Thanks for your message. Sometimes I do dislike the way our relationship and marriage has ended up, but other times I am very thankful it is not a lot worse.

Having a Christian faith now, I don't believe that another divorce is the right thing to do.

I was married to a guy when I was quite young. These days he would probably be called a predator of young women! After we were married he turned rather brutal.

After a year of being his punching bag, I ran away. So this marriage is certainly a lot better than my first!

Yes, I do try to make the most of times with my friends and family. My husband and I also do have some lovely times together. So it isn't all bad.

I could sit around and be very depressed or I can try and make the most of what I do have!

Cheers to you, from Mrs. Dools

Strangled by the woman within

Joe_Black1 — Mon, 18 May 2015 04:25:19 GMT

Wow everyone, I had no idea that my desperate online rage/ rant would trigger so many amazing responses and sharing of stories. I am more than a little overwhelmed and humbled for the time and consideration you have shown me - and each other!

It has been a while since I started tis thread and very little has changed for me, other than a foreboding feeling that "things will come to a head" someday... and possibly not in the way I'd like. I have begun to make enquiries at the Gender Centre in Moorabbin to learn more about my options and hopefully find a good counsellor who has a better understanding of this condition.

Gothgirl, I find your story remarkable in so far as my military experience was so unsupportive (apart from the subsidised alcohol and the mateship outside of formal support). The whole "Break you down to build you back up again" philosophy that was almost a mantra at Duntroon really didn't stack up - they broke us down readily but left it up to our mates around us to 'build back up'... and none of us had formal training in this kind of work! That said, I loved the military at times too, and really miss some of my old friends.

Mrs Dools, my heart goes out to you and your husband - I hope that there is still a spark left and maybe finding something you both can do together that you both always enjoyed in the past will help rekindle the flame.

Jazzie, thank you for your post and I hope that you and your family find the support you need too. I truly hope with more trans people such as Anreja Perjic and Laverne Cox, Gothgirl (and others) setting a real example of how trans-folk can be beneficial and integreate into society, the path for others in the future will become that little bit easier.

Will post again soon (I promise not to take so long next time...) take care..

Strangled by the woman within

Doolhof — Tue, 19 May 2015 10:58:24 GMT

Hi JB,

It is great to see you on the screen again. Yes, it is amazing how some posts generate so much attention, feeling, care and attention.

I hope you are doing okay and finding a few answers as you travel along this journey of life.

So have you decided to have a chat with your wife to let her know what is bothering you? I am wondering how much she is picking up from you, and what he thoughts are towards your depression and her not knowing why.

As for me and my husband. I have decided I will try harder to let go of the hurts of the past and just try to make the most of what we have together and what we could have if I am willing to make a greater effort.

We had a lovely day driving to a town we had not been to before and explored the region. The weather was glorious so that helped and with all of that driving we had an opportunity to chat with each other.

We sorted out a few things so that was very beneficial. I also make plans by myself, like today I had lunch with a girl friend and we had a lovely time together.

I do hope that some time soon you will be able to have an open conversation with your wife. Without going back over everything previously written, have you tried some couples counselling?

Hope to hear more from you when you are ready to chat.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Strangled by the woman within

Joe_Black1 — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 05:44:08 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools, I’m glad to hear things are on the right path with you and your husband. Exploring together can be such a simple, yet strong emotional experience, no matter where or how you do it.

I am getting slowly closer to the day when I confront my fears. I know I can’t and shouldn’t put it off forever, but the cost may be so high for my whole family. With her MS, the last thing I want to do is make her feel any more awful than she already does!! I’m putting out the feelers for a more suitable counsellor and I’ve decided to get fit again. Moping around all day in a depressed haze has been so toxic for me over the past few years. I’m sure I’ve been no fun to be around, so only I can change that.

The past few days have been quite strange for me as I read more and more of Caitlyn Jenner’s transformation. While I have to overlook the fact she is a rich celebrity with wealth and means, her words really struck a chord with me. The things Bruce did and said are so similar to my own experience and I found that comforting. Plus, I’m 25 years younger than she is so that’s something positive for me to consider too. To hear positive transgender stories in the media is such a change from the stereotypical “Thai ladyboy” story on cable tv. I hope it continues!

Good luck and take care J

Strangled by the woman within

Doolhof — Mon, 08 Jun 2015 08:34:52 GMT

Hi JoeB,

Been a while since I was connected with this post.

So have you managed to have a chat with your wife yet about how you are feeling? It might be very important to let your wife know that you have felt this way for ages and that it has nothing to do with her health condition.

It seems this is just the way you feel, so a sense of blame or guilt should not hang over anyone or diminish your wife's sense of who she is as a female.

One of my girlfriends was confronted by her husband who told he actually preferred boys and did not want to be with her any more. This of course devastated her because of the way he said it.

Maybe if he had explained it was about how he was feeling and not her fault things might have been different for them regarding their separation. Not saying that you will separate.

Some couples are able to renegotiate their existence. I am not sure if that is possible for you or not.

Hopefully you have found a more understanding and helpful counsellor.

Let me know how you are getting on if you feel like sharing.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Strangled by the woman within

Joe_Black1 — Wed, 24 Jun 2015 05:55:41 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools,

The past coiuple of weeks have been extremely tough. My mood has really wavered badly and my wife and I bicker over the smallest things. This is not normal, as typically I am a peacemaker and she is the fire-brand. Lately I've snapped back and the tension is horrible. I think she's suspecting more and more about my depression and condition and has made one or two uncomfortable remarks On a good note, I have found a psych who specialises in the trans field so I'm seeing her on Friday. I can't wait to finally speak to someone who deals with people like me daily!

The timing of my session is fantastic, because my deep seated self-loathing, anger and resentment of my situation is really making me feel worthless. My dark thoughts have become really bad. Don't worry BB, I have called Lifeline today and I'm still kicking. I do my best not to let anyone see my inner turmoil and I have a supportive boss (first time ever) who knows I'm struggling.

I am interested in the story of your friend and her husband. I sympathise and the idea of hurting my wife is a deal-breaker for me. Although we're arguing daily, I admire and respect her and she doesn't deserve to be let down like this. So ironic really, that I want to be a woman, yet I fear I don't "have the balls" to do it!!

I am fighting back though - I have started yoga and jogging to try and keep myself busy - I did read once that the best way to change your emotions is through motion. It works for a while at least anyway.

Take care,