topic what if i dont want help in Sexuality and gender identity

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 09:21:59 GMT

i have joined this community today as i thought i needed help.but as i read all the other peoples problems i feel as if im just being a winger as my problems seem very small in comparison.

I am a transgender girl and

i am just feeling very alone on my journey.i get very sad and have thoughts of harming myself and im supposed to ask for help when this happens,but at that time help is the last thing im going to ask for.

Is there a solution to this problem.

Regards Amy.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

what if i dont want help

mirimay — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 01:04:40 GMT

644Amy

It is my belief that everyone deserves to feel accepted and happy. I can imagine that at times being a transgender would be very confusing and draining for anyone, so feeling sad or alone on this journey is completely understandable. Everyone deserves to seek help and support if they are feeling unwell in any way.

To me, your problems seem pretty big, but manageable. I don't feel it is necessary to compare your problems with that of other people. You are who you are and you need to cherish that. Everyone has a different reason for experiencing feelings depression and/or anxiety and once again I need to stress that you deserve help irrespective of the other problems people are facing.

I'm sure that you would want to feel better and while it is proven that medical help/psychological assistance can alleviate the symptoms of a mental illness, there are other people out there who can help. If you want to find a way to alleviate your feelings of sadness loneliness or self-harm then asking for help is the first step to achieve this. To me, asking for help is the only solution out there.

Remember you don't have to consult a doctor or a psychologist. You can also seek help and support from close friends and family and I encourage you to keep communicating on this forum.

Best of luck, Mirimay

what if i dont want help

Neil_1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 02:41:09 GMT

Hi Amy

Welcome to Beyond Blue and I really do thank you for coming here and providing your post. Your post is as important as everyone else’s – you know why? Because it’s about you – and YOU are important. On here there’s no judgment passed, but there is plenty of advice, warmth, caring and above all, support. And from your post, you do need our support.

To me, it sounds like you’ve got no-one who you can talk to or confide in? Is that a good guess?

I will say here, that if you get to the stage where you are thinking of self-harming, it is so important that you reach out – and while it’s great to do that here, it’s never instantaneous; may I suggest that if you get to that stage, to please call the number at the top of each page: 1300 22 4636 – it’s the Beyond Blue hotline crisis number.

I’ll ask just one more question before I send this off – have you been able to get along to see a GP or the like in recent times??

Amy, would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Ps: I’ve just seen that Mirimay has responded to you and a wonderful response it was too.

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 03:04:01 GMT

Hi Mirimay

thankyou for your lovely response, i also feel that responding to others on here is a big help,takes my mind off my own issues.Amy.

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 03:13:34 GMT

HI Neil

thankyou for your response.

Thats a problem i do have as i feel im not important,im not needed by anyone.

I do have family and friends to talk to but i cant talk to them about this issue,as i feel then they will know, and once they know they will always be thinking am i going to do something today.i dont want them to worry about me and be thinking that.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past 6 months but i find it hard to talk to him about it honestly as if im honest he might contact someone to come and get me ? .He does know i had planned to harm myself.

Regards Amy.

what if i dont want help

Neil_1 — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 01:47:44 GMT

Hi Amy

Then this is SO IMPORTANT then if you feel you can't talk to others at this time, to talk here. It's anonymous, so no-one knows who anyone else is; BUT, the people on the other end of the keyboards are real and are very genuine in their concerns and Amy, I am concerned about you.

Please please keep that number close by, can you do that for me?

With regard to your psyche, is what is preying on your mind that you feel you can't open up and talk to him about; or is it something to do with your psyche (eg: you don't find a good feel about him or a good rapport with him?). If you DO feel ok to be there and to talk, then really, I would encourage you to open up. Open up and talk but at the same time, say you're doing this in the hope that he'll provide you with coping mechanisms or things to think about or even things that you might have to do. Just a suggestion for you Amy.

Amy - may I ask that with both your family, friends and even your psyche, is the subject that you're not wishing to bring up with them about your thoughts of self-harm or worse? I'm sorry if this sounded like a dumb question, but it will help me a lot with how I can go about assisting you. I guess what I'm asking is, do the people that you've mentioned know that you are transgender?

Amy - you ARE important, VERY important and that is to so many people. You may not think so at the moment, but believe me, you are. I've had these kinds of self-doubts in the past as well - so much so, that I opened up to my psyche once and she then proceeded to list out all that I do, people I know (only that she knows of, of course), and the list went on and on. And you know what, for a lot of those times, you have interactions with people, but so many times, you go away and think, "oh well, that was ok, but ..."; you feel kind of empty.

That's because for a lot of times people simply don't come out and give you positiveness; unless they know you're feeling ultra down or you ask for it.

Amy, please keep writing here - to others, which I've seen and that is brilliant of you to do that - BUT, I would dearly love to hear from you again as well - and soon.

Kind regards

Neil

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 04:54:18 GMT

Hi neil

Yes everyone knows im a transgirl and everyone is fine with that.

I webchat with someone on here last night and i sent an email and they rangme to see if i was ok last night.i dont see the point of having that number as when i get to my end i would of already decided, it would be too late.

I am not allowed to mention the s word on here as my post wont get approved. Also i dont talk to anyone about it.if i tell my psych about it doesnt he have to report me ? I think i have decided to stop going anyway as an hour does not help,he brings up my emotions and then i have to go and im alone again.

Its nice of you to say im important but yu dont know me, i am important at work but anyone can be replaced.

I drove past my family home today as i have been separated for 5 months and the man who is replacing me as dad was parked in my driveway having Christmas lunch with my family.it doesnt feel like im very important.

I only talk about this on here so thanks for replying.i have time to go so im not doing anything tonight that i know of

Regards Amy

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 05:58:34 GMT

The problem with this is i have to wait very long time for a response.if you work for bb feel free to email or text me.

what if i dont want help

Neil_1 — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 08:04:31 GMT

Dear Amy

I don't work for Beyond Blue - I'm just a fellow sufferer of several mental illnesses - hey, but I'm on my meds, so I'm "ok". He says with a grin.

Amy, is there any chance you could call a family member or a friend to meet up with them for a chat???

I said you are important, cause I meant it. You've been on here for a little while now and yes, I don't know you, but you've already become important to not just me, but a whole helluva lot of other Beyond Blue people. And that's just here - you've got your work, which is awesome; plus your family.

A human being cannot be replaced Amy. Yes, life goes on, but what is left behind is scars that are brutal and for some people, those scars will never ever heal. I know you're in a bad place at the moment and you cannot see any light; I just wish I could say something that will help you right now.

A phone call to a friend, is that possible? Or to a family member, to say, "Hey, I am not in a good way at the moment - I need to see you please?" Is that possible?

Sorry, this post went on for much longer than I wanted - I'll send it off now; sorry, as I do ramble on a lot.

Neil

what if i dont want help

cuteclaudia — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 10:18:56 GMT

Hi Amy

Please don't think your problems are small compared to others and hence not important.

As you know i'm a transgirl as well and I can say there isn't a week when I haven't consider the s word. For me, being trans comes with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, lack of self confidence.. and up to finally starting my transition an inability to stick at anything or think its worth it... I often feel most people don't know the crap that comes with being trans... but it does get better, and i'm sure it will for you.

Whilst i'm lucky enough I have a partner right now, but its extremely hard for her to see the person she loves becoming a girl, so for me I know any day I could be on my own... oh and i'd so love her to say... you look really pretty tonight... but I know she'll probably never say that... and even though we're still together there are still things I could never imagine talking to her about yet as i'm sure

i'd freak her out. so i'm very insecure about this part of my life, but also know my children need a father... even if she's a little different to the normal one, and I could never imagine not seeing them grow up... you can never be replaced as their dad as that's who you are.

What I can say though is... believe in yourself and believe you're worth it... and know you're not alone... even punk rock singer Laura Jane Grace lost her partner after she came out and also feels the same thing you do... I don't think I've ever come across one transgirl who doesn't feel alone... even the ones who look drop dead gorgeous feel this.

claudia ❤️

what if i dont want help

white knight — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 11:12:12 GMT

Hi Amy,

Neil is so right. Value yourself, your individuality and your importance. Typical of Neil to care so much, such is his value to others, his compassion and his wonder.

And you have wonder within you, despite what you say about yourself. Time is one great healer and in time the fact that you feel replaced will diminish. I had the same feeling when my ex wife chose a man that wanted to replace me. My kids told me and I simply said "he seems like a good man and I'll always be your dad". The subject never repeated.

Life Amy can be a cruel experience but there is a flip side and that flip side is achievable. I'm living proof. What I'd like to ask you is how positive can you be? What would you like about life that could set your goals and reach them.

I strived to see my kids as grown adults. Then I'd judge how happy/unhappy I was. I postponed my fears, my jealousies and my grief over losing my full time fatherhood. I'm glad I did. I found that as grown ups my kids exceeded all expectations. My eldest is a teacher and my best friend. And unlike 18 years ago when I lived in a 3 metre long caravan in a park, I live in my country cottage with my wife of 4 years. A lot can happen in 18 years, even 2 years.

The other thing I did for myself when my marriage dissolved was seek my passions. Poetry was one, model planes another.

Tonight I am thinking of you. As Neil said we are sufferers of mental illness ourselves. Mine is depression, bipolar 2 and dysthymia. I licked the anxiety some time ago. So you are not alone. We are here.

Hope you like this poem. It's for you tonight.

SOCIETY OF SAND

I'm sitting in a desert

Upon sand of friend and foe

cannot find a patch of turf

where I cannot step on toes

I collect and handful of grain

then watch as it escapes

Just like some friendships

a barren temporary landscape

I create my own oasis

by weeping on a weed

But the sand around me laughs

because it doesnt have a need

Till lately it be the friends

that helped me walk the land

They holding me up under my feet

Supportive grains of sands

I begin to sink so slowly

As they gather my precious hide

The quicksand laughing so loud

- a kind man says goodbye

And as I become 'one of them'

My heart now granulled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

But sand has no means to cry

Damn it I struggle so

Be damned if I be like them

I crawl out of the society of sand

To remain the proud person I am.....

Tony WK

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 12:27:12 GMT

Hi Tony

Thankyou for your kind and thoughtful reply.

I am always a very caring compassionate person and i will do anything to help others but i feel that i have nothing to strive for norhing to look forward to, i know that i will always be my sons dad but as a transgender dad/mum it will only make it hard for them as they grow up.i was bullied at school and i want that for nobody.

I have been told to do things that i enjoy but nothing gives me pleasure anymore i feel like im in slow motion and everything takes a lot of effort.

But dont worry aboutme im sitting in my local beer garden having a drink.i am alone but im out.and thankyou for the poem.i will have to read it a couple of more times to appreciate the sentiment

Regards Amy.

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 13:12:17 GMT

Dear beyondblue councillor

As i put a lot of thought and my heart into my responces i sometimes write to much in being honest on here.i would like to ask instead of deleting the whole thing maybe you could just remove the offending sentence.

I will try not to be to honest in the future.

Thankyou.

what if i dont want help

geoff — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 13:48:53 GMT

dear Amy, I'd like to welcome you to this site.

It was established to help people through their depression, neglect and sorrow, which you are feeling at the moment, and how much this hurts so much.

My two good mates and there will others that come on board, I'm sure, but what they have mentioned to you is outstanding, and they did this for only one reason, they are worried about you and so am I, because we respond to all those that need our support and help.

Hell I can understand how you are feeling in regards to this other chap who has just slipped into your role, because my ex is living with someone who is older than me, and to think of him going to her family functions, Xmas and so on, just revolts me, and for them to just accept him, frustrates and annoys me.

He is everything that she hated in me, and my two sons and one daughter in law truly dislike him so they would air our feelings as both you and myself fee.

I have always been wanting those that classify themselves as bi, gay, lesbians or trans to regularly post comments on this site, because they just seem to be left out, but it is very important that they join us.

Please you are no different than anyone else, and I'm not even raising this sexuality change at the moment, because you are a person lost in the wilderness, so please have trust in us, we are very caring people here who are so concerned about you.

Can you please reply back and we will also do. Geoff.

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 20:35:31 GMT

Hi Neil and Geoff

Neil, you will be happy to know i did call the 1300 number last night but i hung up as i didnt know what to say but its a start.

Geoff,thankyou for your response.

I would feel a lot better if someone didnt like him but he is the perfect partner for her, he is a family friend and maltese like her.i find it unbearable to be replaced so easily as i said to neil i was a perfect husband, my inlaws loved me more than there own son. I just happened to be transgender and she wanted no part of that.otherwise i would be at my table right now.

It probably doesnt read like it but i am actually happy for her as she has found someone to be happy with as she deserves to be happy.but that doesnt make it any easier for me.

Regards Amy

what if i dont want help

Neil_1 — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 21:58:30 GMT

Dear Amy

Hey, didn't I tell you that you were important here. You've had some great posts overnight from both Geoff and Tony - and one of Tony's awesome poems to boot. If you want to see more of his brilliant talent, on the Community Board, I believe he's got a thread there based on poems - I could be wrong, as my brain don't work so good as it used too, but I think I'm right.

I've gotta say to you right now - "Mega congratulations to you". I say this cause of the role that you had - the perfect husband, the wonderful inlaws, etc - a whole helluva lot; BUT you followed your gut, your instinct and knew the path that you wanted to take and took it. That must have taken a major effort that I couldn't even think of - to up and do that. So again, mega kudos to you.

I do believe you're happy for your wife and that you believe she is now happy. That says to me what an enormously strong character you have - I could rabbit on more about that, but what I want to get to is this:

Amy, you're in a bad place right now - but what we all want now is for you to find your own happiness. And this is along the lines of what Tony wrote and for me I ask: "What do you think you could do, to place a little bit of sunshine or happiness into your life?"

And I always get stumped by this question, but I still feel it's an ok question: "Where would you like to be in 6 months time? And doing what?"

The world as we know is HUGE - and things do change; sometimes for worse and sometimes for better. I believe that you're currently in the former side of thing just reading into your posts here; but I also believe that further change down the track can lead to better things; to happier things.

Sorry, but another $64K question: "If you could snap your fingers or dream up your perfect existance: what would it look like?" Hey, and there's no need to answer any of my questions if you don't feel you wish too. Awesome if you do, but really, I'm putting these out there for you, to hopefully give you a bit of perspective that the world really is a good place to be (ok ok, despite all the recent horrors that we've heard around the place).

Again, I've rambled on way too much.

I'll send now and hope to hear back from you on.

Neil

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 22:14:04 GMT

Hi neil

I am unsure if this will get aproved as i recieved an email saying no more content from me so i will keep this short

Right now i dont have any future plans other than keep on swimming.as dori says.

To beyond blue im sorry for being honest on here,i thought that was the point of this.

If i have been banned that is very sad as i only comunicate about this on here.

what if i dont want help

geoff — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 22:47:01 GMT

dear Amy, I'm not sure why this would happen or whether this post will be posted, but why they would ban you is beyond what I know.

You are a person seeking help and should be treated as such, otherwise how are you going to get any help, because that's what all of us have been doing, to assimilate you with the rest of us.

It's not unusual being of a transgender, because there are so many forms of depression that they range so extensively the mind boggles.

Can I go back to the person taking your place, well yes I am also happy for my ex, but it does annoy me, the mild mannered person who is a pacifist, me, truly hates him taking my place, because I got on so well with her family and it was definitely mutual, so in a way you are a stronger person than I am. Geoff.

what if i dont want help

Neil_1 — Sun, 21 Dec 2014 03:49:59 GMT

Dear Amy

Keep on posting - I know Beyond Blue have moderation rules about posts, so they monitor for content of any nature that could be upsetting to others who read; BUT, how are you to tell us how you're feeling etc, if your posts are being shoved back at you?

Beyond Blue - this is so important to not put people off who are reaching out for support - because we're reaching back and really wish to help them. I don't know what's happened in the background here, but please allow Amy to stay here. This is important.

Keep on swimming, swim swim swimming. (I think that's how it goes.) 🙂 🙂

Neil

what if i dont want help

644Amy — Sun, 21 Dec 2014 05:45:44 GMT

Hi neil

For the future i have no plans. I dont even know who i am yet so i dont know how life will be.everything has been thrown in the air and how its landing i do not like. I also dont know what will make me happy, things that did bring me joy now just distract me from my pain temporarily.everything seems to be an effort. I feel like im in slow motion.

I got a phone call today from the ambulance saying they were coming to my house as they were called by bb,going to a house i lived at 15yrs ago. How they found that out my other name i dont know.but i suppose they are just worried about me.so thankyou for caring beyondblue.

Regards Amy.