topic Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred... in Sexuality and gender identity

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

nwalmien_naini — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 13:05:03 GMT

Hi,

Long story short, I'm gay. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have very religious parents and direct families. I have never heard them speak a kind word about gay people, or even a slight tone of sympathy. I feel like a

failure to my parents. They always envisioned my five siblings and I to bring our spouse and kids along for family reunions, but I don't think they're going to be happy when I bring a boyfriend and no children. Somehow, I need to live the happy life, but most of the time I feel like that is impossible. And that's when the suicidal feelings come along. I've never attempted taking my life, but I feel like its going to be my only salvation from this pain and depression. Its as if life has set me up as a pawn on a larger battlefield, put in front of others so that they can feel more powerful. This fact taunts me so much, I've even written a song about it. Unfortunately, that song has gotten stuck in my head, and its thoughts aren't pleasant when I think about how much I am lost.

I need help and love...

Please...

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Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

CrashCoyote — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 22:47:34 GMT

Hi nwalmien_naini,

Thank you for posting. I'm a 51yo straight male, father of five, retired Sydney policeman, probably all categories of people you may think would not support you?

If I read your post correctly, you have not told your parents of your orientation? I understand that your family are not pro-gay but you would be surprised how families change their attitude's when it is one of their own. Many parents often find a reason to disapprove of their children, whether it is their chosen profession, child rearing skills, their hetero partners, it is always something. Others just want their kids to be happy and so long as that is within the law and societies norms (i.e. they are not armed robbers or pedophiles etc) they are supportive.

Take heart from the fact that homosexuality in modern Australian society is open and generally accepted. Whatever the religious views of today (pretty much the same as one thousand years ago) they are not able to keep up with society and it's changes. Many religions have plenty of blood on their collective hands and I do not think invoking them as a justification for opposing homosexuality is a sustainable argument!!

You are entitled to love and be loved, you are entitled to be happy. If your parents and family cannot rejoice for you, that is sad but it is not a reason to deny yourself a partner. Life is waaaaaaaaaaay too short.

I am happy to keep posting with you. I hope another person on this site that is able to empathise with you also has some advice and support for you.

Kind regards, John.

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

justinok — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 04:43:44 GMT

How old are you mate? I come from a religious family as well, and like you, I grew up hearing all sorts of nasty stuff about gay people from my family and extended family. Jeez, I used to say the same things myself until I realised that I was gay myself.

I eventually came out to my mum when I was about 15. I won't lie, it didn't go brilliantly at first. My parents weren't happy. They blamed themselves, they thought they could make me change, all the cliches you hear about. But they eventually got over it.

I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine, not at all, but it really makes me sad when you say that you think killing yourself might be the only way out. Too many young gay men think that, and too many go through with it before they can come out the other side and realise that you can be happy and gay and live a normal life.

Hope you'll keep talking to us here mate.

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

nwalmien_naini — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:20:26 GMT

Hi, I'm only 13. I live in a small town in qld. I don't feel like suicide is the only way out, but as if there's no point in me living. I feel down I the dumps most days, except on some school days where I can know I'm loved be the one girl that knows I'm gay. She's been great, and I'm about to tell two others. I just feel like my life has no meaning and importance, even though I know that that's not true. In these past couple of months, nearly a year now, after I came out to myself, I've felt a nagging sense of impossibility. I just need to see my own worth. I get up in the morning, but to what? Another long contained day, neverending hours, trying to conceal my identity.

Thankyou for your post

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

justinok — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:34:13 GMT

Hey mate, well there are a lot of positives in there!

I knew I was gay when I was 13. I wasn't coming out to any of my friends just yet, but yeah I know how crushing it feels when you're having to conceal your identity all day and how that makes you feel.

So the positives are that you have told one friend and the world didn't end. She supports you. You're thinking about telling two others, these are good friends too?

Trust me, this period of your life does pass. It can be so hard to see it from where you are, and trust yourself. It sounds like you know these negative feelings that you're having aren't true, that it's the depression talking. It sounds like you have good friends, and I'm sure your family love you very much too and would hate to think you are feeling this bad.

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

nwalmien_naini — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:36:21 GMT

I'm also pretty certain that my parents will react negatively. Our family's very, very active in the church. My dad was even a bishop and area president, which stretches out from where I live to the sunshine cost, hervey bay and everywhere in between. Even if they come around to accept it later, it would've been too late because the probably would have abandoned me or disowned me. It might sound melodramatic and pessimistic to you, but its realism. The sheer thought of being left out in the country with no around is a surreal thought, so I don't really want to take the chance. One day they'll know, but hopefully after I'm old enough to support myself.

Thankyou for your kind words. 🙂

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

nwalmien_naini — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:45:52 GMT

The problem with my parents are that they are very adamant, especially my dad, and even if they didn't want me to change, our church won't stop at trying to get me onto God's 'good side'. I know they love me, but they are both adamant and and quick to speak without much thought. This could lead to hate and disownment in just a short time.

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

justinok — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:53:12 GMT

It doesn't sound melodramatic to me, I felt the same way as you. When I ended up telling my parents, although they weren't happy, one of the things they were upset about was that I could have ever thought they'd put me out on the street.

But anyway that's me and everyone's situation is different. I'm not suggesting you tell your parents if you're not ready, some people never do. It's all about you feeling safe and doing what's best for you.

How do you think your brothers and sisters would react?

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

nwalmien_naini — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 06:01:20 GMT

Only one of my sisters might be ok, because she's not active in the church anymore. However, that's still unpredictable. This will be the last time I post in a while though.

thankyou for everything 🙂

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

justinok — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 21:48:05 GMT

Come back anytime mate, you're not alone. And there's lots of other resources and groups online too. 😉

Take care.

Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

nwalmien_naini — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:51:52 GMT

Hi I'm back,

I sometimes feel as if I'm going to have to leave my family myself, which is not going to be an easy thing. I have a huge family (just about all of my ancestors had six kids) and they're all very dear to my heart, so it wont be easy leaving them behind. I feel as if my church life is bound into an unanswerable situation. The two principles my parents want me to live by is live in God's good sights, and be happy. I can't do one without upsetting the other, so I've chosen to live happy, because that's what's important to me.

But until the day comes that I can live in freedom, I am contained within the christian box I was born into, drinking my own tears like they are the only thing that keep me alive. I yearn to be back at school with people that know and love me for who I am.

Not an abomination, not perverted, not taken by the devil.

Honest.