topic Survivor of domestic violence, in Young people

Survivor of domestic violence,

Courtneyrose — Fri, 13 May 2016 10:35:58 GMT

I finnaly cut the cycle of abuse from my achohloic Dad November last year. Iv had no contact since so i dont fall back into his trap like iv done many times before throuh out the years. This is the longest I Havent spoken to him but i hear lots about him because I live with with my gran parents who love and support him buy him all these expensive things he dosent deserve the worse part of it is they know in great detail of the abuse he conflicted onto me. All his anger and frustration was taking out on me, i dont have any surpport from them. Even cutting my dad out of my life it hasnt really stopped because living here is a constant reminder of him and im sure they talk about me to him as well.

Any advice on surpport groups in perth would be good or any other advice or comments. Thank u for reading.

Survivor of domestic violence,

pipsy — Fri, 13 May 2016 11:20:10 GMT

Hi Courtneyrose. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Is there any way you could find a place to live on your own or in a mixed flat situation. Not knowing your age or if you are at school makes giving you any sort of help difficult. What about your mum, do you have contact with her? Living with alcohol is hard, coping with abuse as well makes it doubly hard. I would suggest you either contact your mum or perhaps try to find somewhere else to live. You may also have to minimise contact with your g'parents for the time being. It must be quite disappointing for your dad's parents to realise how sick he is. Alcoholism is an illness, like any other. When the sufferer refuses to acknowledge the illness, it makes it harder for everyone associated with them. If you can move away, it would be better.

Lynda

Survivor of domestic violence,

Jack184 — Fri, 13 May 2016 12:07:04 GMT

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. One of my friends is also a victim of her father's domestic violence, so I've dealt with this a little bit before. Sounds like you're in a pretty tricky situation. My main suggestion is if possible, find somewhere else to live. Now, I realise this might not be possible, but if the opportunity is there, take it. Also, stay strong and avoid your father. You deserve a life free of domestic violence and alcoholism. Hopefully one day he will get better, but in the meantime, it's best to just stay away.

I hope everything works out for you.

Best wishes,

Jack

Survivor of domestic violence,

Courtneyrose — Sat, 21 May 2016 06:43:02 GMT

Thank you both for your suggestions I appreciate that you took the time to read and reply for starters. Well im 17 turning 18 next year in feb. My my mum is drug addict going in and out of hospital most of the time and first time i met her was when i was 13 and havent had anything to do with her since.im not in school but im studying online for my certificate 3 in animal studies. Sorry for the lack of information. I dont really have any where else to go i dont have any friends or talk to anyone iv only just started session at my local doctors and i think its a complete joke and looking at other therapy to go to but other then that i dont no what else to do. I feel trapped

Survivor of domestic violence,

pipsy — Sat, 21 May 2016 07:12:10 GMT

Hi Courtneyrose. Welcome back. Sorry to hear your situation is as bad. Because you're only 17 have you thought about contacting Al Anon. Al Anon is an organization specifically designed for relatives of people with alcohol abuse problems. With your mum also having substance abuse problems, Al Anon could also assist you in that situation. Perhaps if you applied to family services, they might be able to help you finding somewhere to live. Are you working at all, if you are, perhaps you could apply for a grant of some sort to enable you to live independently. Maybe someone else on here could give you some more help. Keep in touch here, please. We want to help.

Lynda.

Survivor of domestic violence,

white knight — Sat, 21 May 2016 07:37:17 GMT

Hi, welcome

Pipsy had, as usual got some great suggestions

I'm 60yo but I did break contact with my mother in 2009. My sister and I had a rollercoaster relationship with her all our lives.

It still hurts but it is the way things need to be.

Remember, if you are not going to see your father again, it doesn't matter what is spoken to him by whom. But until you are 110% certain you'll never have him back in your life leave the door a little open. Its your decision and it depends largely on the abuse you have suffered.

As pipsy suggested, move out and make a life for yourself when you can. All anon sounds good.

Tony WK

Survivor of domestic violence,

Courtneyrose — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 11:46:45 GMT

I know i havent replied for a long time but things werent to bad till a few weeks ago, i just feel so overwhelmed all the time i cant take jokes it just upsets me instead which isnt like me. i was seeing a doctor but i had to reschedule an appointment because i couldnt make it but when i called it went staight to voice mail i called twice and left 2 msgs but no reply. I didnt feel like he helped at all he was trying to make me concentrate on the future which i cant do till i talk it out but it hurt that his surposed to help me and he wasnt intrested at all and in our appointment he would often text or receive phone calls any way but since that iv really gone down hill. The only good thing iv made myself do is join in volunteering in a wild life rescue today was my first day and it was amazing until i got home because someone gave my dad my number and he texted me asking how my first day was and that his proud of me which hurt because i no he dosent care and ontop of that i cant talk to him because of all the abuse he caused me that his just forgotten about. I dont even know whats wrong with me any more i take everything badly im depressed everyday alot of my past mistakes wont leave and its making it very difficult to see my future. Its completely ruined my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, he wants nothing to do with me just cutting me out more and more each day he would just rather hang out with his mates we used to talk everyday for hours now we havent spoken in a week. I just really need help and need to arrange another sorce of counciling but i would love to here fee back on any ideas. Thank u

Sorry for misspelling and if it makes no sense.

Survivor of domestic violence,

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 20 Jun 2016 02:08:07 GMT

Hi Courtneyrose,

Thanks for reaching out. I've just been reading through all the posts and I can see that you've been through a hell of a lot lately; it's never easy dealing with family issues but I'm glad that you've been able to live with your grandparents to help keep you safe. Are you still living with them?

It certainly doesn't sound like your Doctor has been very helpful, and I do get that it can be very hard to focus on the future when you've got so much going on in your life. Did your doctor refer you to a counsellor at all or is it just the GP that you are seeing? If you can - ask to see a counsellor. They'll usually make up a care plan and then you can have someone to talk to. It's not really that unusual for Doctors to take calls in appointments, but with a counsellor they will have their phone away and have only your attention.

You said that you don't know what's wrong with you but I don't see anything wrong with you. If you're feeling depressed then that would definitely explain why you are struggling to see your future. I know from my own experiences I had to really work through some hard stuff that went on in order to even look forwards at work or study.

A counsellor would also really be able to help with your relationship; it's very easy for our own issues to affect our relationships with other people but that does not mean that it's anybody's fault. Does your boyfriend understand how you're feeling? Often it can seem like people want to 'pull-away' but really it might just be their way of coping when they don't know how to help or support you.

I do however think that it's great that you are able to volunteer with a wildlife rescue. It sounds like a lot of fun! If you are able to, keep doing that. It will be great to be able to focus your energy onto something you really love.

Hope this helps a little

Survivor of domestic violence,

pipsy — Mon, 20 Jun 2016 04:33:01 GMT

Hi Courtneyrose. Your Dr doesn't seem to be very supportive, although it's possible he did not receive your messages. Have you thought about contacting a different Dr. There are some really good Dr's who are willing to give you as much help and support as you require. I think romantic may be onto something in connection with your bf's inability to help you at this time. If he's only quite young himself, he may feel out of his depth a bit. Boys of 18, 19 even 20 are quite often still immature in many ways. This is no reflection on them, but females as a rule do mature earlier than males. He very likely still cares very much, but has absolutely no idea how to help you. I would like to suggest you phone our helpline to get some info regarding Dr's who understand depression and alcoholism more. There may be some info about who to contact to get some counselling/therapy to help you overcome these painful hurdles. It's good your dad has texted you, but maintaining a distance would be better for you until you are stronger, emotionally. By all means stay in touch, your choice whether to, but how much contact is up to you.

Lynda

Survivor of domestic violence,

Narniakid — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 11:35:12 GMT

Hey Courtneyrose, welcome back to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

Just reading through these few posts, it looks like you've had a number of stressful things to deal with lately, and it doesn't seem like your doctor is going to be of any help. Is this doctor a GP or a psychologist? You may find a psychologist or councillor to be more helpful, from personal experience I know I did, but you will probably need a referral from your GP.

Romantic_thi3f is probably right in saying your boyfriend does care, he may just not know how to help you. Consider talking to him about how you feel and what he could do to help and support you. However I do urge you to be mindful of the fact that loved ones are merely a support group not a cure.

The others have given some helpful advice which I hope you have a good think about. I also just want to say well done on taking up some volunteering work. In my hardest days, helping others through charity and volunteer efforts was one of the best coping mechanisms and it gave me a real sense of purpose and usefulness.

Crystal

Survivor of domestic violence,

Courtneyrose — Wed, 22 Jun 2016 11:22:22 GMT

Thank you all for the great ideas and surport, its definitely given me alot to think about. I was seeing a psychologist thats whats made reaching out very difficult because i did and he didnt show any interest in helping me it felt as tho he was just there to get paid and he didnt care and i was so shocked when he did make a phone call in my time because i just had to sit and wait for him he just wasn't very professional and it was actually very disappointing everytime i left and I still feel unsolves by it and it makes it harder for the next time because im gonna have to start from the beginning and i dont want the same out come as this time.

I still live with my grandparents and have been since November last year but my gran now for the last few days has done nothing but keeps pushing me to forgive my dad and keeps going on about no bodies perfect and his my dad and his done the best by me as a single father and i have to respect him because his my father blah blah blah (i just find that that he couldnt even do the simple task that a parent should be doing like having food on the table, all his money would go on alcohol and smokes and what every food was left after he was finished is what was left for me either that or he would through food at me speically when my boyfriend gave me money to get food he would just get so ferious and call me selfish)... Anyways last night when she ask me to transfer movies from my laptop to his usb for her I said no im not doing anything for my dad ever( reason why i said no is because when i lived with my dad i would have to help him with everything even small things like finding a tshirt and he would be really nice till i did it then he would abuse me and if i didnt do something that he ask then he would abuse me so i said no this time because i can ) she said i was being nasty and i snapped because shes saying im being nasty for not putting movies on a usb what about all the things he did to me what dose that make him? I could of died in his hands if i didnt leave and i knew that was getting close thats why i reacted so greatly because my situation was serious and what hurts is she knows this she called the police on him once she knew what i was dealing with yet even now she thinks im being dramtic and making him out to be a monster and she told me you know what he is you've just got to accept him for who he is, well actually i dont have to and im not going to.

(Have to write a part 2 cause it dosent all fit.)

Survivor of domestic violence,

Courtneyrose — Wed, 22 Jun 2016 11:42:48 GMT

Continued...

I know people go through this but even know i feel like the problem everyones pointing there finger at me telling me like its my fault, some things were my fault but not this whole situation. Im finding it so hard to see foward i broke down on the week end i called helpline they gave me advise and spoke to me and that was good but i just have no self esteem no confidence i just feel like im failing in everything even in finding help since i havent actually really been looking at other places to go when i know i need it.

My boyfriend and I are on better terms right now im letting it go at the momment because i have caused him alot of grief in the past that i havent fixed and although im not going to go into detail it definitely crushed him and no guy would have stuck around and i am so lucky that were working through it but as well its also very very physically and emotionally challenging for both of us specially him im just doing my best to be surportive and he dose his best to surport me but when were both struggling there are times were we just dont talk to each or we argue for days then dont talk to each other for weeks.

When he dose surport me he is amazing at it its just when he distances himself or not around when i need him to be that i just really snap and then he snaps back and it can get messy but the love is there and it dosent happen everyday and when were on good terms were both the happiest we could be we just have that connection. Im just trying to minimize the amount so we can be happy so i am letting things i woudnt usually slide just slide because i no his doing his best and having a hard time.

Since i havent been to get help since my last arrangement i had its like the more time that goes by the more I feel like i need help but then when i start looking around i get upset so i stop and then later realise how much i need it but then just keep putting it off.

I dont know i wrote alot of random stuff its a bit all over the place it was more of a rant then a response just last few weeks have been on and off tough but anyways thats there now.

Just wanted to thank everyone, i mean i wasnt expecting anyone to comment and it actual dose feel in some way surprtive and gives me alot to think about. Its always good to have an outsiders view diffently rather then being trapped onthe inside and not being able to see out so i appreciate it heaps

Survivor of domestic violence,

pipsy — Wed, 22 Jun 2016 21:14:26 GMT

Hi Courtneyrose. Your nan loves your dad (her son), therefor any help given to him by anyone including you would be seen as great. Parents frequently try excusing bad behaviour from their offspring because they simply don't know best how to deal with it. Perhaps your nan thought that by getting him movies etc, it would help take his mind off alcohol, cigarettes etc. Unfortunately, this seldom works because when we watch t.v and we drink, the first thing we do is reach for the drink/smoke. One point she does make, however, try to forgive your dad as he is sick, alcoholism is a sickness. Until he is prepared to get some help, I would be inclined to limit time spent with him, or nan for that matter. I realize you love them, but they are making quite a big ask of you, and you need to care for you and re-building your relationship with your bf. I am pleased that things are improving there. Your bf is your future, whatever happens with your dad and nan, you have no control over. If you can make peace with nan and dad it would be better for you, but make sure they understand any boundaries you set. You do have the right to set boundaries as far as nan and dad are concerned. You are not responsible for them, loving someone doesn't mean accepting behaviour that upsets you.

Lynda

Survivor of domestic violence,

Courtneyrose — Wed, 29 Jun 2016 10:35:56 GMT

I understand that it is a diease and his got problems of his own and that maybe why he drinks and obviously lost control and even when his sober his delisional and accuses me of making his life the way it is he blames me for taking away all his opportunities and holding him back i dont know if thats one of the reasons why he abused me some of the time he was sober when he did it and honestly that was worse because he was stronger. When i think about my dad i just tear up because there is so so much built up pain it wasnt until i was 14 that i started to see that its not normal. As typical as it sounds a teenage girl hates her dad they are my feeling i have nothing to love him for i keep trying to think of something i even like about him and there is not one. His controlling, verbally emotionally and physically abusive mean hearted n cruel and worst of all my family dosent beilve me, they beilve his story.

I cant forgive him everytime his in my life he ruins it and abuses me.iv been doing this for years him being nice is an act and iv fallen for it way to many time i have no room left for him.

I understand his not well but his aware of what he did to me and he was capable of telling what happen in reverse with me abusing him amd its not fair because iv never been in a physical fight with anyone even at school i wouldnt fight anyone i would just avoid the situation and hide amd thats what i did at home but i couldnt avoid it until now because i left.

I have lot of anger towards my dad for doing this to me and i cant see past what he did because he dosent think his done anything wrong or wont admit it to anyone but he always told me i made him do it and it was my fault. I cant have someone like that in my life.

Thank you for your suggestions. All appreciated.