topic I JUST DON'T KNOW in Young people

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Mon, 09 May 2016 06:18:21 GMT

My names Blake and im 19 years old.

Why do I feel so distant... its like the whole world is rushing around me and im just not going anywhere, time just slips by... Everyday i wake up feeling the same, just down and not happy to be doing anything... I used to love my job and look forward to going to work and seeing the people i work with but now i couldnt care less if i saw them or not, i hate my job now i used to be okay at it now im just failing and i feel so hopeless.. all the things i once enjoyed have become something i dont even think about anymore. sleep just isnt something i can get either, why have i changed so much i hate feeling like this i feel as if i bring the people around me down, because of this my life just isnt what it used to be. This is the first time i've ever spoken out about this and its been going on for quite a while.. i guess i have wanted to talk about it but its so hard to just let it out and i dont know where to begin or who to talk to, i dont know i guess im way to scared of what people might say or think so i just keep it to myself.

im sorry for the crap punctuation and wording...

I JUST DON'T KNOW

Paul — Mon, 09 May 2016 20:12:12 GMT

Hey Blake,

Welcome to Beyondblue forums. This is a place where you can feel safe to talk about how you're feeling because most of us have felt like you do. I'm sorry it's so difficult at the moment mate, things will get better now you've reached out. Punctuation and wording were great, definitely no need to be sorry there.

Let's see if I read your post right. You're not feeling happy about doing anything, especially your job that you used to love. Same with your colleagues. (I want to make some of my colleagues disappear too). The love you had for your job is now hate. You're feeling hopeless and the things you used to enjoy have disappeared. Sleep has changed and none of these feelings make sense. You feel like you bring the people around you down. The whole lot is different.

I'm really glad you let all that out because I can relate to all of the things you describe. When I'm feeling down I don't find pleasure in anything I used to, I have to opposite I sleep a lot, I feel guilty for calling friends and asking for help, my job becomes difficult because I love it so much but at times it just feels like a shitty old job. Oh and my colleagues irritate the hell out of me.

Sound familiar?

Looks like we share some common feelings - the good thing is that we can start to get you some help.

You don't need to tell anyone just yet - I reckon keep telling us on here for now until things start to make more sense. If these feeling are like mine, they zap your energy and your ability to explain them becomes almost impossible.

if you've read any of my other posts you'll probably see a theme. I recommend that for these sort of feelings there is a multiple angle approach. You've started one of the angles here by contacting us. I'd really like you to stay in touch with us and let us know how you feel as you take the next steps.

A really important angle is to visit your GP. If you think you'll find it hard to talk when you are there, print what you have written above and take it with you. I've done that in the past it really helps.

And other angles are making sure you are eating well and good quality food, get a bit of exercise or go for a walk.

I've written above that you don't need to tell anyone just yet (with the exception of your Dr and us here) When you feel ready and you talk about how you feel, you'll find your mood increases the more you talk or write.

Will you visit your GP for us Blake and come back and let us know how it goes?

Paul

I JUST DON'T KNOW

Neil_1 — Tue, 10 May 2016 01:33:02 GMT

Hi there Blake,

Like Paul, I too would like to welcome you.

I can’t really add to much more to what Paul has already responded to you with, as he has pretty much nailed a great response for you.

A visit to your GP sounds like a very good step to take – and hey, you’ve already reached out by coming here – the next reach out and positive step would be to seek out some professional (GP) assistance.

Sleep is a biggie as well – cause if you’re unable to get a reasonable amount, then you kind of start each day a little behind, as you struggle and the lack of sleep can really add to stressors.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Tue, 10 May 2016 02:46:30 GMT

Thank you for the response Paul, I guess I could say it helps having the knowledge that someone else feels like this, makes me feel less abnormal... Everything you said was spot on how I'm feeling and thinking. I don't know about the gp just yet... I've tried telling family and even my girlfriend and best mate but I get all choked up and I can't look them in the eye so I just give up on the attempt... It makes me feel so useless because I'm suppose to be strong and be there for my girl, I am always there for her but I feel so weak and useless when I try and help..

It may sound so stupid but it feels as if this is like a shadow that follows me around and just won't let go, I'm not always down but it is most of the time.. I have younger siblings who look up to me which I try and set a good example for them but I just know that they can see I'm not a very happy person and I can hear them always ask my dad why I'm always sad and it's heartbreaking.. I can't control my moods it just sneaks up on me.

like right now I feel like such a coward because I can only talk about my feelings to people I don't personally know and hiding behind a screen...

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Tue, 10 May 2016 02:48:39 GMT

Thank you Neil, sleep is a big struggle for me as I have to be up at 2:30am every morning for work, I work for my dad so I don't want to ask to start later because he's always been a hard worker and I don't want to let him down as Iv always done..

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Paul — Tue, 10 May 2016 08:32:02 GMT

Hey again Blake,

Awesome to hear from you again. I hear you on feeling like you need to be strong for others, especially those who look up to you.

The weird thing about telling people is that you need to have told yourself first - that sounds really stupid but hear me out. To tell yourself something, you've got to believe it or you just think it's rubbish. To believe something you tell yourself you have to have the energy to understand and really take in what's going on. The thing that sucks about all of this is feeling the way we do can rob us of the ability to hear ourselves. We want to tell ourselves we are strong, we want to tell ourselves we SHOULD be OK for our beautiful siblings and of course we REALLY want to be a source of inspiration and love for our partner - your amazing girlfriend. All of those things are normal and usually enter our minds without a second thought. When we're feeling down it just doesn't work, it's like our brain has run out of energy and the shadow that follows us around is stealing the emotional energy away.

This becomes like a circle. We can't tell people we love because we don't have the energy and we can't get the energy from people we love and around and around we go. What a shitty ride. Coming here to talk to us is amazingly good.

Please remember that to get ride of the shadow that follows you around, the more angles of attack the better.

I'm a brother to a beautiful woman who is 7 years younger. I'm an uncle to her son who is 4. I SHOULD be there all the time.

I'm a brother to an awesome guy who is 2 years older and his wife and their son who is 6. I SHOULD be there all the time.

Fact of the matter is that sometimes I can't be. I just can't, even though my nephews ask when I am going to visit. It adds to my pain and feeling of hopelessness that I SHOULD be there for them because I'm an awesome uncle and am used to giving and want to make people happy.

Many years ago I called my little sister in tears and told her all about what was going on. I was thinking of some serious things. She cried and begged me to see my Dr. I had to muster up the courage and do it. From there things started to get better.

So it's definitely not a sign of weakness or not being there for someone. It's something you didn't choose to feel and for that there's no blame. There simply can't be - it makes no sense!

Continue building your energy by using the multiple angles and please consider visiting your Dr even though it's scary.

Paul

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Tue, 10 May 2016 10:11:20 GMT

Thanks again Paul, your putting words to feelings that I just can't describe the way I want to. I hear you on the circle, it's like a vicious cycle around and around in my head and it's like I'm stuck there, inside my own head.. It's makes me feel like listening to my own thoughts is a dangerous thing. I've never been too big on confidence but it's something I could work on, the thing is going to my doctor I don't know what to say, when I describe things I feel like I describe them wrong and he gets the wrong idea or the fact that he's heard this all the time and couldn't careless I'm just another customer.. You seem like such a positive person Paul how do you do it so well..

I hate putting my problems onto people I'd rather keep them happy by keeping it to myself, sometimes it's just too much to handle and I get so angry at myself for not being able to explain it to people and then il be sad and keep asking myself why would I wanna tell anyone anyway... Another vicious cycle...

I JUST DON'T KNOW

Paul — Tue, 10 May 2016 22:37:12 GMT

Hey Blake,

Great to hear from you again. I get the feeling you've been thinking a lot about our chat on here. Sometimes it's difficult and even confronting to discover the words that describe how we feel. Something that helps me is to think that they are only words and phrases. They are there to help me express how I feel and they can't hurt me.

many of us find it hard to describe the feelings that we have, especially when we feel judged and surprisingly Even when we feel really comfortable and someone is a source of help.

Regarding seeing a Dr and feeling like they have heard this all before is likely right. There are many of us who have had to go to our Dr and tell them how we feel with that fear all over us that makes us want to vomit. I reckon you write how you feel extremely well in your posts. Perhaps you could print them and take them to read to your Dr or even ask your Dr to read them. I think that huge fear might get tamed a bit that way.

You asked how I remain so positive. Sometimes I have shitty days too, but overall I've used the multiple angle approach that I may have mentioned and i am also seeking treatment with a psychiatrist. I chose my psychiatrist because i am on medication and he can closely monitor that as psychiatrists ate medical doctors who specialise in mental wellness. My"psych" is taking me through psychotherapy so in that alone i have two angles of treatment.

Take care Blake

Chat soon.

Paul

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Wed, 11 May 2016 05:28:43 GMT

Il print out the things ive said to you but i cant guarantee il go see a doctor, if i cant talk to the people i love how am i suppose to tell someone ive never met even though ive done it on here but its different when i can hide myself... I noticed something today aswell, I cant trust anyone anymore, even the people i used to trust there words mean nothing to me, my girlfriend always tells me how much she loves me but i dont believe her nor do i believe anything anyone says... its so frustrating, why am i changing so much for the worst.

I JUST DON'T KNOW

Paul — Wed, 11 May 2016 08:38:51 GMT

Hey Blake.

This must be frustrating and frightening and not making sense.

The horrible part about having these feelings is they can play tricks on your mind. You may have discovered or will soon discover that you felt a c particular way or maintained a particular thought then a few days later upon reflecting on it, it's difficult to know how you arrived at the thought or how hot could feel like that.

You see feeling like you do makes your thoughts and feelings all warpy and most of the time very untrue.

I can understand the hesitation you have in seeing a Dr. If i read you right, how could you tell a stranger your secrets and your feelings when you can't even tell those you love? Feeling like this drags along guilt and humiliation and even a thought of being a fake. How can i feel genuine telling some stranger. Mind says fake. It really sucks Blake. I'm not pushing you to see a Dr but i am trying to show you that I know thoughts get all out of order, stuffed up, guilty, phony and upsetting.

I know I've done a lot of talking and I really want to thank you for listening.

Can I ask a few questions now?

What's the hardest part of telling people how you're feeling?

Who is the person who you trust the most to tell everything to?

How would you like us to help you here on beyond blue forums? (We're here to help and sometimes it helps me stop rambling on and listen if i know exactly what sort of help you'd like)

Please keep holding on Blake. Let's keep talking and kick this thing in the arse!

Paul

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Wed, 11 May 2016 23:22:59 GMT

Hey Paul,

Me listening to what you have to say is not a problem to me because it helps, you but my feelings into words that I could have never described properly.

The hardest part would have to be bringing the conversation up and what they might think and even what they're reaction might be or if they even really care to listen..

The person I trust most would have to be my father for sure..

To be honest I don't really know what "sort" of help I want. I just came across this forum and saw posts of people expressing they're feelings and actually getting a positive response from people with no judgment or hate whatsoever, I guess just saying how I'm feeling and getting a response from someone like yourself who struggles with the same feelings kinda helps, puts a thought inside my head that it's possible to get through it one day..

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Sun, 03 Jul 2016 09:46:42 GMT

I guess even a place like this doesn't always care about everyone... Someone's gotta be pushed aside for others who deserve it more.

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bonnylass — Sun, 03 Jul 2016 10:20:40 GMT

How are you today ...... life can be so hard xxx thinking of you

I JUST DON'T KNOW

Paul — Sun, 03 Jul 2016 22:30:40 GMT

Hey Blake, It's been a while. I apologise for the lack of response. I've been a bit up and down myself.

My difficulty at the moment is that at work I just want someone to care about what I do. I'm a highly specialised IT admin/engineer and at the moment it feel like no one really gives a toss.

I got the same feeling from your previous post. Feeling like we do can be isolating, even when we go out of our way to try and please people, and it isn't returned it feels like crap.

How have you been and what's been happening?

Paul

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bdavi310 — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 08:30:40 GMT

Hey Paul, yeah it's been awhile.. Not much has changed.. I sustained an injury at work so I had to take time off and that means I couldn't go to training so things kinda just got worse, it was my first day back at work today and it felt good to be doing something but as you said never appreciated.. I also got back to training again, it's a good feeling having those gloves on my hands and Gi on my back, it makes me feel like I'm apart of something big, things are better when I'm there, everyone's always nice to me and telling me they have my back and will always help when needed, the confidence mixed martial arts and Brazilian jui jitsu is amazing, I can walk down the street with my girl knowing her and I are safe because of me, it keeps me focused on more positive things.. It's given me something to fight for.. Ironic I know

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Paul — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 08:57:23 GMT

Hey Blake,

Sorry to hear about the injury at work, I hope things are back to normal now and nothing was damaged long term. My Brother does Martial Arts and he too loves to put on his Gi and feel the freedom and challenge. He unfortunately damaged his knee when going for his first Dan, He got it, but weeks of pain and 4 misdiagnoses later he had a knee reconstruction. Luckily he is almost back to normal and he and his son are back into it.

hey last time I recall you were having a lot of conflicting emotions and some doubts about your girl and your siblings. I got the feeling you have a lot of responsibility on you to protect them - do you want to talk about that? I'm interested in where that pressure is coming from.

Glad you survived your first day back at work mate.

Chat soon.

Paul

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Mon, 11 Jul 2016 23:02:38 GMT

Hey Paul,

A lot of respect goes out to your brother for that dedication when all odds were against him.

I don't mind talking about my girl and siblings, my girl and I are abit weird with each other at the moment.. We always get through whatever it is but doesn't mean I like going through it, it's a touchy subject when I talk about my girl because she's very special to me and people will most likely say the wrong thing and I don't like that at all it makes me extremely angry. With my siblings, all 3 are younger the oldest being a decade younger then me (I'm 19 years old). My dads always at work so it's just my step mum and the kids at home usually and I make as much time for them as I can but its never enough, they don't listen to they're mum only to me and that can be really frustrating because as soon as I walk in the door my step mum is in my face saying she did this or he's done that can you sort them out, I don't mind helping but let me get both my feet through the door before you're on my case.. I just want to be alone sometimes and for my situation that's practically impossible....

I JUST DON'T KNOW

Paul — Tue, 12 Jul 2016 05:50:40 GMT

Hey Blake,

Great to hear from you again, sorry that things are weird at the moment. What sort of things do people say to you about your girl that make you really angry?

Your step mum seems to put a lot of responsibility on you to discipline the kids that's a tough situation to be in. Have you said anything to her or your dad? It seems like she is expecting you to be both mother and father to your siblings - I wonder what sort of impact that has on how you feel.

Take Care,

Paul

I JUST DON'T KNOW

bdavi310 — Wed, 13 Jul 2016 23:32:06 GMT

Hey Paul,

i think we will leave the girlfriend part out of this, but yes I have spoken to them both and they have both said its called stepping up and being a big brother, there's not much I can say to them when they say that, don't get me wrong il always look after the kids as best I can but, my big sister had the same problem until she moved out, I've spoken to people about this situation before and all they say is move out, but they don't understand the situation enough, my step mum does look after them but she can be extremely lazy and has one tone with them which is why I think they don't listen.. Saying yes to the kids isn't a bad thing she's just too lazy to do something they want to do... It can be stressful at times but I don't think it would be enough to bring me down like this, I'm getting better though, the more I progress in training the better I get at everything, I have something to work for and out alot of time and effort into which is good for me because I like to keep busy

I JUST DON'T KNOW

Paul — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 08:33:02 GMT

Hey Blake,

If you've read any of my other posts to folks on the forums you'll probably notice a theme. Multiple approaches to getting well. You see it's not fun, as you know, to feel like crap, especially if it causes you to yell out "I just don't know what to do". Some of the pressures at home seem to contribute and there might be other factors involved in how you feel.

I'm really glad you have training, and also have reached out here. That's two approaches to getting well and feeling better. I wonder if it's time to add another approach and visit a counsellor or GP to answer all the questions you had in your original post.

Of course chatting here is absolutely fine as well, it's just great to add another method of attacking how you feel so that you can be back to the person you remember you were.

What are your thoughts?

Paul