topic I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy. in Young people

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:17:49 GMT

Hi,

For some reason I want to be depressed. I know this is stupid and I shouldn't, but I can't help it. My head hurts when I try to comprehend why I could possibly want to be depressed.

I do not mean to devalue anyone else by saying this, but I just can't help it. I think I've lost my mind. Surely someone wouldn't wish to have depression? Yet I do wish that. It's a crazy thought. I have times when I feel down, and times when I'm extremely happy and normal, however I always seem to have that worm in the back of my head wishing I was depressed - even when I'm feeling down. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not crazy, losing my sanity. Common sense tells me no I shouldn't do such and such, but my heart tells me something else. I'm just so confused and don't know what to do! Is this attention seeking without knowing it? I've asked myself that but I've never been an attention. seeking person and do not wish for attention.

Once again, I do not mean to offend anyone. I'm sorry if I have but I am genuinely wondering what is going on here. I understand how serious things like this are/can be so please don't perceive this as something it's not.

Thanks,

Lillian 🙂

(Also, I don't know if I put this I. the right category - I'm new. If the spacing is messed up, that's because I copied and pasted from Notes on my phone)

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Zeal — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 12:03:13 GMT

Hi Lillian,

I haven't actually read a post like this before on beyond blue. Don't worry though, feeling this way doesn't make you crazy. I also don't think you would have offended anyone 🙂 I'm certainly not offended.

I am no psychologist (though I'm studying psychology at uni), but from your description you don't seem to have a particular mental illness (but always talk to a professional if you are concerned). It could be attention-seeking (not in the conventional sense), but in the sense that maybe you feel unnoticed or are confused about your identity or aspects of yourself.

Perhaps you are overwhelmed by something going on in your life, and so are seeking ways to escape the situation? This seems to me to be the most logical explanation, but as I don't know you and don't know enough about your life and your situation to make a judgement, this is just a hunch. Talking to someone close to you or to your GP could shed some light on your dilemma.

If you don't mind me asking, are you in your teenage years, or have you recently finished school or uni? It just helps to know the context of your situation 🙂

I hope something I have said has sparked a thought which could lead to some elucidation,

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

geoff — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 14:40:22 GMT

dear Lynalli, I'd like to welcome you to to this site and thank you for posting your comment, but firstly can I say is that your not crazy, although there are many people who do call people with depression crazy, but it's just a tag that's all.

Sometimes what you are saying can actually happen, and yes it did for me occasionally, because it meant that I didn't have to make any hard decisions, well I couldn't, I didn't have the strength or the ability to do so, and if I did then it wouldn't be the right choice, because I was depressed.

This actually pleased me, because I only wanted to be alone, didn't want to go out or rather dragged out so by being depressed kept me at home 90% of the time.

Feeling like this can change when we find a psych who can relate to what we are talking about, and it can happen with a friend or family member as long as we feel comfortable explaining to them what we are going through.

I'll wait until other replies come in, as well as to answer SM's questions, because it is as important as everything else. L Geoff. x

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 13:47:53 GMT

Sorry I took so long to reply, I've been meaning to but last time I tried my page reloaded and since then I haven't gotten around to it.

To answer your question, SM, I'm in my earlier teenage years - so this could possibly be put down hormones.

I''ve never really been a person to want any attention but is it possible for a person to unconsciously wish for something whIle the other half of you that is aware wished the opposite?

As for being overwhelmed, last year (gosh it's 2015 now) I did change schools and was thrown into an environment with around 1000 more people than what I was used to...

Geoff, I'm not really sure how to respond to what you have said, but I do understand what you mean by the decisions, not wanted to leave the house and such.

Once again, sorry for the late reply, I wasn't trying to ignore you 🙂

-Lillian

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Gia13 — Tue, 27 Jan 2015 09:06:46 GMT

Hi Lillian,

You're not crazy for wishing yourself to be depressed. I myself am depressed and I have had a major problem with wishing bad events on myself. For example, I sometimes wish I have cancer. Or I wish my best friend or a family member died. I wish all sorts of horrible things and I just can't control them.

In a way, I think I want these things to occur so I have a genuine reason to feel and act the way I do. I wonder if that sounds at all familiar to you? I don't really know anything about you but is there times where you feel a certain way or do something you don't have a reason for? Perhaps you feel particularly sad or angry at times, or you have ignored your friends and family with or without knowing why.

Just a suggestion but let me reassure you, thinking this way does not make you crazy in any way.

All the best,

Gia.

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Sat, 21 Feb 2015 12:03:35 GMT

Thanks , Gia.

What you said makes some sense to me. I've wished bad things would happen, but I've never thought of it as a say, wish for justification.

Also, just an small update on my original post, too; I've been feeling better but worse as well. If that makes any sense.

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Doolhof — Fri, 27 Feb 2015 21:49:11 GMT

Hi Lillian,

Thanks for your very open post relating to how you are feeling. As a teenager I had all kinds of weird and wonderful thoughts going through my mind ranging from suicide, to running away, wishing my parents were dead, to wanting a dreadful disease.

I didn't share these thoughts or the connecting emotions with anyone, just lived with them and never asked my friends or sisters if they had similar thoughts or not.

My thoughts stemmed from feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere and from dramas that were happening in our house at the time.

Do you believe you have always felt this way or has some moment in time made you think like this?

If you are really honest with yourself, are you struggling with something right now that you don't know how to mention to anyone or do you think it is just that you have a very active mind that thinks lots of different ways?

If you do consider anything to be a problem or concern then please share it with someone and ask for advice.

The sooner we sort out our problems, the sooner we find solutions and can then get on with our lives again.

I hope some of this helps! I certainly don't know you, so I may be way off track here!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 11:40:45 GMT

Thanks for your reply, Doolhof.

I haven't really felt like I didn't fit in, instead I just kind of feel inadequate compared to my friends and such.

Recently I've been having stomach problems and my anxiety's resurfaced. I have trouble getting to school and that's not exactly helping. I have an appointment with a counsellor next week though, but I'm afraid about bringing up anything else that's not anxiety (Hmm... I wonder why?).

I do also believe that I have an active mind so I guess you could say it's both...?

Either way, thank you for you once again for your answer 🙂

Lillian.

I just noticed that this has gone slightly off topic - Oops. Are topic changes against forum rules?

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Doolhof — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 09:44:43 GMT

Hi Lillian,

Firstly, I am not 100 % sure about the rules, but I believe that as you started this thread, you can take it where ever you want to.

The moderators check everything. Sometimes if another person joins in the chat and they go totally off in a different tangent, it may be suggested they start a new post of their own so people will then relate to their needs.

Regarding inadequacy, I think a lot of us feel that at some stage of our lives and that is fine. The thing is to not let it get to you and to try and realise we are all individuals. We all have our own talents and personalities.

I hope the appointment with the counsellor goes well next week. The person you are seeing has probably heard all sorts of stories and experiences, so if there is something you really need to share, then they would be the person to share it with.

Sometimes it may be a sense of fear, guilt, embarrassment or confusion that makes us feel like we can't share our deepest thoughts with our counsellors.

Hope you can get some strategies to help with your anxiety.

I will be keen to read how you get on!

Hope you are feeling a bit better and you had a nice weekend.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Mon, 23 Mar 2015 12:19:17 GMT

Thank you once again for your reply, and we'll wishings!

The appointment with the counselor didn't go too badly, but it was mostly just preliminary (probably not the right word, only one I couldn't think of though) things. I'm still worried to bring up anything else though - especially with my mother I'm the room. I also met with a naturopath since I've been sick, and she suggested Rescue Remedy for when I'm anxious. It's really helped a lot.

I'm unfortunately beginning to feel like I did when I first began this thread... Not sure why though 😞

Hope you had a good weekend too,

Lillian

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Doolhof — Tue, 24 Mar 2015 20:34:09 GMT

Hi Lillian,

It is great you have ben to the counsellor. Just a question, is your Mum going to attend all of your sessions? Would it be possible for you to ask your Mum to leave the room at a certain point and say you would like to speak alone with the counsellor for a while yourself? That would be totally acceptable.

Hope the Rescue Remedy continues to help you. I have used it in the past too.

Without going back and reading this whole thread again, do you have hobbies and interests to keep your mind occupied so you don't listen to your negative thoughts too much?

Distractions can be wonderful therapy. Now the weather is cooler here in S.A. I am looking forward to cleaning up the garden, doing some craft in the evenings and going for walks.

I interact with different people with my work and that helps me a lot as well. The indoor bowling competition in our region starts up soon, so I am looking forward to that too. Another chance to get out and be with different people.

Hope all is going well for you. I'm looking forward to catching up with stuff around the house and garden this weekend.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 12:08:33 GMT

Hi again,

My mother does leave the room during the sessions, however I still find it hard to voice my thoughts. Most of the time I chicken out and just agree with whatever's being said, whether it means lying or not. Even on the tests given I softened up my answers.

I've been a bit of a mess recently. I haven't been quite well and my moods having been changing with each day (I won't detail since these forums are monitored). Hopefully this doesn't last long.

Thanks for your advice on distractions, that's really helped. Although I do distract my self by interacting with friends online rather than in real life - oops!

I hope your gardening went well!

(Once again sorry for the late reply and bad grammar)

Lillian.

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Doolhof — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 21:39:33 GMT

Hi Lynalli,

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days, life has been a little busy and I haven't been on the computer a great del of time.

Sometimes it does seem difficult to express ourselves honestly during the sessions we attend.

I am wondering if it is due to self preservation, because we don't think the other person really wants to listen to our troubles or because we are embarrassed?

I hope you will come to a point where you feel you can be true to yourself and express everything you want to and need to.

Maybe you could start with the tests and answer them honestly. I feel the only way to get over your hassles is to discuss them, not by keeping them to yourself where they can fester inside of us.

Your moods may be all over the place due to the thoughts and emotions that are being stirred up during your sessions.

Keeping in touch with friends on line is a good thing, at least you are still interacting and catching up with people. When we withdraw altogether, then it is a lot harder to regain contact with people.

I hope you are able to get put and catch up with people face to face as well, that too is important to our well being.

Thinking of you and hoping that you may be able to catch up with friends on the weekend.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools, Lauren

(I've added Lauren as one lady older than me found it a bit weird calling me Mrs. Dools! )

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Fri, 01 May 2015 10:00:08 GMT

Thanks, Mrs. Dools.

I'm going to try mentioning how I feel next session, since during the last one I began crying towards the end. She said she'd talk to me about it next time, but I unfortunately can't remember why I was crying.

What you're saying about self-preservation sounds right. I feel like I'm constantly being an annoyance that no-one actually wants to listen to, and get very embarrassed whenever anything is mentioned.

I'm praying things go better next session!

I'm not sure about being able to catch up with my friends in person, but I'm planning on Skyping them during the weekend. Sorry if I've already mentioned this, - my memory isn't so good - but I have some unknown condition that is making me have bad stomach pains at random times, which is making it hard for me to go out.

Thanks again, Lillian.

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Doolhof — Fri, 01 May 2015 23:00:12 GMT

Dear Lillian,

Hi. Regarding the sessions with your psych, have you tried writing down what is really bothering you and then handing that to the lady? I have done that in the past and it works well for me.

The tears may have been because of all the built up emotion and turmoil with in you that you are finding hard to release! This lady sounds like she does care, so try to let some of the stuff out so it can be dealt with.

I'm no medical expert, but the random stomach pains may be caused by anxiety. If you check out posts under "anxiety" you will discover people suffer from all kinds of random ailments due to anxiety.

Maybe this is the case for you and you can learn some techniques to conquer it.

Keeping in touch with friends is important. Have you shared with a couple of your closer friends how you are feeling?

Maybe ask them how they are travelling through life? They may have problems as well they have been unwilling to share thinking no one cares.

Hope you do manage to get out for a while this weekend one way or another.

Cheers for now, thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Mon, 25 May 2015 11:29:20 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools,

I've written down how I feel, but I still can't bring myself to hand it to her - it all sounds so stupid written down. I started seeing her for my anxiety and it seems wrong to mention anything else.

The stomach pains aren't caused by anxiety, it's something different that we still haven't gotten to the bottom of.

About talking to close friends, I haven't mentioned anything to them yet. My best friend has autistic tendencies (it runs in her family) so she isn't that great with situations like this. She can give great advice but I'm just not comfortable with talking to her about it. I find it really hard to mention anything as I don't feel like I have a right to feel this way.

Nearly all my closest friends have been diagnosed with depression (we joke it was something our primary school put in the water) and I make sure that they're okay on a regular basis.

I've started going back to school - which I'm glad about.

I've started to feel a lot better again too. I think a reason I'm reluctant to tell anyone anything is because of the fact that it goes away. All of this is probably just hormones and I'm afraid people will think that I'm making mountains out of mole hills. The only thing that makes me think otherwise is that I can become somewhat suicidal - although I'd never act on that.

Sorry if this reply is a mess and repeats itself at times. I'm quite tired and can't bring myself to read over it again.

Thank you so much,

Lillian

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Doolhof — Wed, 27 May 2015 07:01:31 GMT

Hi Lillian,

It is wonderful to hear back from you again. It is great you have returned to school and good to know you can talk with your friends about depression.

I'm wondering if there are just so many pressures these days for younger people and that is why depression is on the rise for some younger people!

I often wonder if all this modern technology has also contributed to this problem. It is so easy to communicate with all these different devices, which is fantastic, but the face to face conversation does not happen as much.

That may be part of the reason why you are having trouble sharing your letter with your Dr/counsellor/psych.

I would still like to encourage you to hand your letter over. Please don't think that your problems and concerns are not worth mentioning. We all cope with things differently.

If you are able to mention your concerns, then people helping you can teach you ways of coping better. The more understanding we have about an issue, the greater we can deal with it.

Suicidal thoughts can be very concerning. I see that one of the moderators has contacted you. I have no idea what they have mentioned to you, but please do take their advice and call someone if you need to talk.

I too have experienced very strong suicidal thoughts, and thankfully I have never acted upon them. I think too much of the people who would be affected if I actually did what I thought of doing.

I was very low last year and my Dr. put me in hospital for two weeks. I was so very thankful for that. In a way it is lucky I am in a country town as I was able to attend a hospital ward and not have to go to a mental health unit.

Not that there is anything wrong with a mental health unit either. I have stayed two weeks in one of those units as well.

If you would like to have a "chat" about stuff, please do so.

All the best to you,

From Mrs. Dools

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Wed, 10 Jun 2015 01:53:29 GMT

Hi Mrs. Dools,

My next appointment isn't until later this month (27th, I think), and I've decided that I'm going to try and tell her as much as possible. Things have taken a slight turn for the worst, and I'm starting to feel like I did when I was younger.

Back when I was 7 or 8, I used to get extremely worked up and slap myself. I'd forgotten about this until a while ago. Recently, I've noticed that I can go from normal, to extremely angry and nearly hurting someone, and then back to normal within a few minutes. It's honestly starting to scare me - I haven't hurt anyone, by the way.

Not much else to say. I really appreciate your replies, thank you so much, Mrs. Dools.

Lillian.

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

Doolhof — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 23:20:35 GMT

Hi Lillian,

I'm sorry to read you are having such a difficult time right now.

I'd like to make a few suggestions if I may. Firstly, if you have trouble expressing yourself verbally to your Dr. or your Psych, then write it down before you got here.

If you are really starting to feel concerned about how you are feeling and behaving or think you might act, then phone and ask for an emergency appointment with your Dr.

Or you could phone Beyond Blue and talk to someone there, or use Lifeline or what ever other mental health support you can find.

It is important to get the help you need right now and not leave it until everything escalates too much and you find it more difficult to access help.

It has been a couple of days since you sent in your last message so I hope you are okay.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 13:27:30 GMT

Hi again,

Thanks for your advice, I'm about to start writing it now. Like I said before, my appointment is a while away, so I should have time to finish it 🙂

I spoke to my mother about the anger, and apparently she was the same and it's caused by hormones. Which is a relief, however it still doesn't change the fact that the feelings are there unfortunately.

I've considered contacting BeyondBlue before, but I'm unable to call in private - which leaves the chat. I'm not too comfortable with using that yet though.

Hopefully my next appointment will cover that.

I've been alright, what about you? I hope you've been feeling well too.

Thanks, Lillian.