topic I can't make friends at uni in Young people

I can't make friends at uni

issy93 — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 08:00:04 GMT

Hi, I am a 20 year old girl. I feel awfully depressed about this issue. I really wanted to make friends at uni, I am now in my second semester of first year (but actually my third semester at uni) and I haven't been able to make any friends. There have been people who I've said hi to, what are you studying etc, but after that they forget about me. A lot of people seem to already have close connections and don't bother trying to make friends with me. In one class, I sit on a table with a few girls, they say hi but for the rest of the class they just chat away to each other! And they don't participate in group discussions with me they just keep chatting. I'm literally just sitting there thinking wow, if someone was sitting on my table and didn't have friends, I wouldn't ignore them, I'd try to talk to them!

I haven't been able to make any real close connections with anyone. And not only can't I make new friends, but of the few "friends" I have I don't even have that connection. I'm always the one that's initiating contact with them while they're slipping away.

I actually feel really angry, like just angry that people don't want to be my friend. I go to class with a good attitude, hoping to start anew and make a friend, sit with people, try to talk to people, but by the end of the class I just feel like giving up because nothing has happened. This is just the way it is for me. I've become used to it. But I don't understand why it's happening!

Sometimes I feel like something must be wrong with me, and then other times I feel like it is other peoples' fault for not giving me a chance. I think I am naturally shy, but shouldn't I be able to find other people who are quiet and can relate to me?

People I know who are nice to me like my boyfriend's mother, say that I am a really pretty girl and other girls must feel intimidated by me. They make me feel a lot better, but also I think, if it's true that I'm that pretty then why is it so hard to make friends?

I'm starting to feel like a failure. I'm feeling left out. I don't know what to do.

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I can't make friends at uni

Magyarok — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 03:17:31 GMT

Hi Issy,

I can empathise with you! It feels painful to be naturally shy and quiet, to always feel like you are on the periphery of any social group and you feel peer pressure especially as a young person whether it is real or perceived to conform in some sort of way just to fit in and be accepted.

I think that most people mean well and have good intentions but also think that it is generally human nature to be a bit 'clicky' and they seem to somehow form their tight little established social groups and if you are an outsider it is hard to break into these groups so you always feel like an outsider looking in.

But please don't feel the need to compromise your values or change who you are just to make friends and fit into a group. Always stay true to who you are.

I know at uni there are also various sporting, social or special interest groups or clubs etc that you could become involved in which would align you with people who have similar interests as you. This could also help you with your confidence and self esteem.

But don't try too hard to make friends. I think the best thing is to be comfortable and confident with who you are and people over time will naturally be gravitated towards you.

What are you studying? What are your interests? I wish you the very best:)

Kind Regards

ignoP

I can't make friends at uni

AGrace — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 09:12:21 GMT

Hi Issy,

IgnoP has given a pretty thorough reply, and I have to agree with his points.

I had difficulty making friends at school, mainly because we changed school every time my parents separated...a lot. I started a new school in year 7 (I was 12) and for 2 terms I had no friends. It just seemed that everyone already had their friendship groups formed and no one was looking for an extra. I started to do a couple of things. I watched out for other shy and quiet people, I stopped trying to make friends and started a goal to make one friend. Once I had worked out who else in my class was as shy as me, I approached that one person. We ended up becoming friends and 2 weeks later both of us ended up joining another friendship group together. By year 8 I ended up being one of the popular ones. In agreeance with IgnoP one thing I never did was change who I was, or change what was important to me.

Ok, so I understand even looking for one friend can be difficult. It sounds like you're doing a really good job at trying to strike up conversation. The other thing I'd suggest is to take that one step further. (Kind of like when you know you like your boyfriend and you're figuring out how to get him to kiss you). Ask the people you talk with where they are meeting for lunch? Or what they're doing after uni today? Or is there somewhere on campus that they go to study? The idea here is to set a meeting point for a second interaction. So when they reply, ask if it's ok if you join them there. I'll be interested to hear how this goes for you.

I understand some of the groups you have joined have ignored you, again this is no fault of yours. Actually it's very rude of them. Again try asking questions. People love talking about themselves, so if you ask questions about them this should open up some dialogue.

I think the other thing to concentrate on, is making connections outside of uni. Do you work part time while you're studying? Do you go to any gym classes? Are you a member of any groups or clubs? It might be worthwhile exploring some of your hobbies and finding out what groups are offered around these in your local community. Local community centres are a good place to start. They offer a broad range of groups and courses, most are free, or at least inexpensive. Are you friends with any of your boyfriends, friends, girlfriends?

I hope we will hear back from you. I know this must be a really difficult time for you.
AGrace

I can't make friends at uni

issy93 — Sun, 24 Aug 2014 16:09:09 GMT

Hi ignoP,

You're absolutely right, it feels that way, to have to be someone else to fit in more. But thank you for saying I don't have to change. That makes me feel a little more confident in myself.

People have suggested to me to join clubs but I always pushed that idea to the side. Maybe I should really do it.

I'm studying nutrition but I'm interested in so many other things, like music, natural beauty remedies, reading, crafts (cross stitching), animals.

I can't make friends at uni

issy93 — Sun, 24 Aug 2014 16:13:07 GMT

Hi AGrace,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes I have some friends outside of uni (childhood friends, work friends) but no one is really close to me apart from my boyfriend. I feel like he is all that I have sometimes. Like he is my only, and best, friend.

Good idea to look outside of uni. Maybe I am getting too worked up over making friends at uni and not thinking of outside opportunities to meet people.

I can't make friends at uni

AGrace — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 06:44:34 GMT

Hi Issy,

I'll also add to this that often there comes a point in a relationship when you spend more time with your boyfriend and less time with friends or trying to make friends.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and probably a couple of years after we met, it was pretty much just the two of us. Others may have a different view, but I think this is fairly natural, and also quite healthy for the relationship. Eventually, if you are to stay with your partner long term, you guys will probably have a family together, and if this is the case there will be once again less focus on external relationships and more focus on your partner and child/ren.

I think you also get to an age where having a best friend is of little importance. You more so have a couple of friends and you catch up from time to time.

Is it that you feel like a burden on your boyfriend because you don't have others despite him? Does your boyfriend comment on you not having friends? Or is it simply that you want to have some really close friends?

AGrace

I can't make friends at uni

Magyarok — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 07:21:57 GMT

Hi Issy,

I'm glad that you have found value in the previous response i sent you. Uni was also difficult for me because i was quiet and i never really fit in anywhere. Also at uni there also seemed to be this whole pub, party and drinking culture going on and if you weren't a part of it then you were considered an outcast. I didn't really like that scene so i guess i was an outcast or at least perceived myself to be that way.

I became reasonably comfortable in my solitude but it always caused me anxiety when we had to break into our own groups for assignments or as pairs for prac work - i would hate that because people would always quickly go into their clicky little groups / pairs and i seemed to be usually the odd one out.

I think it would be a good idea to get involved with a uni club etc as we discussed before to align yourself with people who have similar interests. Also what i did was to make friends with the international students who are also usually on the outer. They are usually friendly and it is a great way to make friends from all around the world, learn about their culture and their food:). I also used to make friends with the mature aged students who seemed to be less judgmental, more accepting and more helpful.

I read from your other post that you are going through a lot of stress, anxiety and that you have emetophobia which is linked to your anxiety. Uni is really stressful so this is understandable.

What worked for me is if things got too stressful was to step away and do something else for a while before going back, break things down to more manageable chunks and i know this is difficult - also try to schedule your time and try to avoid doing assignments at the last minute and all night cramming sessions etc.

I read about your interests and what you are studying in your other post - that's really cool! What area of Health are you interested in?

Take care

ignoP

I can't make friends at uni

tk22 — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 07:22:23 GMT

hey issy,

stress less little grasshopper, im sure you will work something out 🙂 dont let them silly people bring you down because you are beautiful and you deserve happiness! please stay strong and keep your head up, things will get better, you just have to try involving yourself in convocations and make the effort to hang out with people.ask the nice people around you if you can hang out with them, im sure they wont say no. always remember that a lot of people care for you including me, so smile!

AND YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, LOOK HOW FAR YOU HAVE GOTTEN IN LIFE.

best of luck,

tiffany. x

I can't make friends at uni

Magyarok — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 07:33:05 GMT

..... i forgot to mention in my above reply - don't be afraid to seek counseling and professional help if the stress and anxiety gets too much for you. This could provide you with some good support and tools to help you cope. I wish you the very best:)

ignoP

I can't make friends at uni

issy93 — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 17:19:24 GMT

Hi AGrace,

It's not so much that I feel like a burden to my boyfriend. It's just that I don't want to be dependent on just him. I want to have some more friends of my own and be more independent. And I get really jealous when he makes new friends at uni, because it seems so easy for him but I struggle so hard. He doesn't comment anything bad about it. He just says that I should join clubs.

I can't make friends at uni

issy93 — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 17:32:46 GMT

Hi ignoP,

Thank you for your suggestions.

I must be going through exactly what you were because you seem to describe my situation perfectly, haha. I myself don't like to drink whereas a lot of young people do and there definitely feels like there is a divide between me and them. I'm not really into parties and stuff, I'm an introvert that would rather stay at home and watch a movie or something like that.

I'm studying nutrition but I'm also interested in health in general.Physical activity, mental health, etc. I'm also really into alternative/holistic health.

I'd love to be able to talk to a counsellor or psychologist but I'm afraid of the financial costs. 😞

I can't make friends at uni

AGrace — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 13:59:37 GMT

Hi Issy,

If you would like to see a Psychologist, make an appointment with your GP. Ask for a referral and a mental health care plan. This will entitle you to 10 sessions with the Psychologist completely covered by medicare. Given that you're willing to seek some additional support, it would be a shame to let finance be a barrier.

If you need help finding a GP, there's a list available on BB's website, they all specialise in mental health.

Hope this helps.

AGrace

I can't make friends at uni

Magyarok — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 02:29:57 GMT

Hi Issy,

Sorry it's taken a couple of days to get back to you. In addition to AGrace's advice; does your uni have a counselling service that you could access or do your parents have private health care?

As a uni student you are still considered a dependent so therefore you should be covered by your parents private health care (if they have it). If you feel comfortable talking to your parents you could see what counselling options are available under their private health care.

I think your area of study is really interesting. I think that nutrition, physical activity and mental health are all interlinked and it is a growing area of concern and i think you'll have the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of many people - awesome!

This is definitely an area that i am strongly interested in and if i had my time again maybe i would have studied this? I studied environmental science and i now work in nature conservation.

Take care Issy and all the best with your studies and i hope you manage to access the counselling services you are seeking.

Best wishes

ignoP

I can't make friends at uni

reiny — Fri, 10 Jul 2015 12:30:03 GMT

To Issy93,

I came across your post when I literally Googled "How to make friends at uni" (hahah how sad). I am exactly the same!
I'm normal, friendly, reasonably bright and (not to sound shallow but) have had modelling experience so don't think people don't want to befriend me due to looks, but for some reason cannot make friends at uni/in general. It sucks because I don't really like many of the people I was in Highschool with and was basically only friends with my friendship group for lack of choice, as is the case for many of us in school.

Like you my best friend is my boyfriend, who's great, but, he often encourages me to "hang out with friends". He's a super cool guy and has a large social circle so it's hard for him to understand that I just don't have any. I too feel like a burden on him, so despite not having any advice I really empathise with you. We actually go to the same law school and he has made so many friends and I don't know why people don't take the same liking to me. E.g We recently had our last exam for semester 1 where he was invited out to drinks with the law kids afterwards. Naturally I only 'tagged along' (ugh) and was not actually invited (if only for the fact I seem to be invisible/unknown to exist to my fellow students lol).

I hope your situation has improved since you made this post - if you go to a uni in South Australia I would love to befriend you!! Haha.

Best wishes,

I can't make friends at uni

Charlie_95 — Sat, 13 Aug 2016 12:13:05 GMT

I'm not sure if this group chat is still active anymore but I want to have a say as well!!

I'm 21, I go to university. I am in my second year and I seriously have made no friends at uni. I'm struggling as I live on campus and there are so many people around yet I haven't made any connections with anyone! I feel like I am a fun person - like I really enjoy going out, socialising and partying! Usually I make friends really easily but here I just don't know how. I've gone to plenty of parties on campus and feel really social and make friends then and there but the next day (when everyone is sober) I feel like everyone has forgotten about me. My only friends are my high school friends and I have been out of school for 3 years now... I really want to make friends.

Like Issy93 and reiny, I have a boyfriend who I hang out with a lot but I want to be able to have my own time with friends. I'm hoping for a miracle - that I randomly bump into someone tomorrow and instantly bond!!

Hope someone out there sees this, I am a couple years behind...

Best wishes to all,

Charlie x

I can't make friends at uni

Sonalimartini — Sun, 14 Aug 2016 08:38:05 GMT

Ahh chicas totally feel the same!! Except instead of a boyfriend-best friend, I have a brother-best friend hahaha but like reiny I'm not close to anyone from high school anymore and I've always approached each new trimester of uni excited and ready to meet new people and make new friends! And am able to become close with people who are e.g. lab partners or who I'm in a group assignment with but then as soon as the trimester finishes...it's like all the texting, lunch dates, exchange of study notes, late night study sessions etc. never happened!!! Now I'm in my last trimester of my degree and looking back and realising I've made plenty of acquaintances but not a single long-lasting friend..WHAT EVEN hahaha and tbh the experience has not made me too hopeful about the future...I mean sure we can go get a job and make work friends but will that to be temporary? and end as soon as we move on from that job?

I get the whole "be yourself" thing and have always done that and have experienced numerous successes but at the end of the day success is so pointless if you don't have anyone to share them with! jhfjgndfjjk

I know this thread is old but it'd be cool to know where you girls are at now and if anything has changed! 🙂 xx

I can't make friends at uni

Bowtruckle — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 10:22:54 GMT

Hi!

Just been reading your post and it's so weird because it's like I wrote this! Everything you're going through is almost identical to me, including the 'sort of friends' from high school, age 20, same interests, similar uni course, never been able to make really close friends, I have a boyfriend in uni that gets along with people without trying... I'm kinda creeped out haha

Anyway, I hope you've found some people to hang around with. I know how lonely it can be.

-K xx

I can't make friends at uni

InfinityDistribution — Wed, 06 Sep 2017 09:51:33 GMT

Don't know if this thread is still active but everyone else seems to be posting their experiences so here's mine.

Strangely, a lot of the things you (and many others) have said are very similar to me, which gives me hope that at uni there must be others with hardly any friends like me and everyone else who's posted here, except it's just a matter of finding them.

I'm currently in first year second semester and came into uni with hopes for a fresh start after the ordeal of high school. In first semester I had acquainted with a few different people during group tasks and tutorials, and got along pretty well with some of them, except since the semester ended I've never heard from anyone there again, even though I'd exchanged contact details with them and had some pretty good laughs.

Second semester's been worse - no group tasks, and nearly everyone in my tutorials are staring at their phones for half the time and lazing about for the other half, so I'm always practically the guy carrying the group through all the questions.

Yet it seems like everyone else in the lectures are all sitting in groups and chatting to each other while I'm just sitting off on my own near the front, so if there is a strategy for making friends I would like to hear it.

A few repliers to this thread have said that joining clubs is a good idea, which I have done - about four or five of them in fact. Except I haven't made any friends there, either. I think the problem is mostly that clubs seem to be dominated by tons of second and third-years who all already know each other and it's a bit hard for new guys like me to get in on the action. Essentially the same problem as the lectures with all the pre-existing groups.

Like I said, I don't know if this thread is really still active but I would like some advice or some pointers (hyperlinks) to some advice.

I can't make friends at uni

swtpotato — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 02:53:44 GMT

Hi guys,

Thought I'd add my own experience. It is really comforting to know others have similar attitudes to this stuff!

I am 22 3rd yr at uni. I made some friends first year and now just stick with them even though I don't feel like we get along as well as we should, I love them but our friendship needs don't really match up anymore.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all just meet up and see if we got along! Tbh I would feel too awkward idk.

I have started to branch out a little - tips would be appreciating other peoples differences, understanding how you work and how others may see things differently to you. I have had to work hard to appreciate my own qualities when they seem so different to the norm (quiet, serious, many emotions). It is difficult to do so when depressed though, and you have less motivation and enthusiasm.

Also I think its great to adopt the attitude that you have something to offer people - like messaging people - i know we don't talk much but you seem interesting, wanna get coffee? Someone did this to me and I realised, yeah, you can just do that! You don't need a proper emotional connection first, people want to connect and meet new people. It is hard to get over the fear of rejection however, but you won't get anything done if you're too afraid to fail a few times.

I will continue trying to meet others while at the same time appreciating my differences.

Good luck everyone!

I can't make friends at uni

durinsbane — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 10:56:32 GMT

Hey everyone,

Saw some recent posts so I thought I might add something for people still seeing this from google (what got me here). I'm 20 and in my second year at uni. I moved here from my home town where I had a very solid and old group of mates and it's been really tough here in the city. Sometimes I wish I could just be back home so I didn't have to worry about trying to secure friendships which is harder than you think because people are always moving around with different subjects each semester, different timetable, international students leaving (I became good friends with some abroad students but they went back so that's the end of that)etc.

You really have to make an effort to keep close friends. This, I've realised, has been what lets me down. I don't want to be a burden on people or try to force something/ be desperate. This is a not at all good for creating friendships. What I've come to realise is that you really have to be shameless in this area (even though there is no shame involved) and just really make the effort. Example if you've been talking to someone in your tutorial or lab for a while at the end of it don't just walk away and do your own thing. Actually make an effort and say e.g. "You guys heading down to grab some lunch?" or if you have a mutual break "Let's shoot a few hoops/play ping pong/ sit on the lawn before you guys have to go to class" or it could be a single person that is fine. You'll be surprised how thankful people will be if they're not already in a tight group and most aren't. Basically you just build your group yourself by actually having things that you guys have done together other than be in the same class. You'll help a lot a wandering people like yourself out. If you're nervous about being so forward just think about it like that. Also this way you don't have to try to break into other groups.

The amount of stale contacts I have on my facebook (which is the saviour in staying in touch with people) or people I see around that I used to know in some way from first year is a lot because I would never pursue it and hope something would happen (Consequently I was very depressed and lonely in my first year). The chance of you having a friendly introduction talk and actually become friends that see each other reasonably often is very slim (cause of change etc).

Another thing is try not to have placid conversions say something funny or teasing otherwise people will be bored.

Good Luck!