topic Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother in Young people

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

PersianGirl — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 17:17:22 GMT

Hey guys so its my first time on this site and I'm hoping to God someone can help me. So my dad remarried about 8 years ago to a lady he met overseas. In the beginning she was very nice, I never even noticed her around. But in the past year or so, I am starting to Hate her. Hate. She gives me anxiety because she is a two faced conniving person. She acts like so sweet infront of guests and calls me sweetheart and her daughter but when we're alone she is a rude hateful person. If she knows I am home one day, she makes SO much noise slamming doors banging pots and pans around talking at the top of her lungs to her family overseas. She is very inconsiderate. When i try talking to her she won't respond or responds very cold and with an attitude. she is soooo fake!!!! my dad and I don't talk at all, just a hi and bye and when he's around she is exactly the same. It's as if she is scared to talk to me? Neither of them communicate with me. I am a prisoner in this house. I am trying so hard to study my final year at uni and I feel so alone. I can't do my work. They don't ask how I am, and she is always ignoring me when my dad is around. My brother told me when I'm not home she goes in my room because he hears my wardrobe doors sliding open and shut. When I'm at home alone with her, I don't step out of my room. I starve myself so I don't have to go out into the living room and see her face there. I hate her for making me feel like a stranger. I hate her for taking my place in the house. I hate her for being a sneaky two faced human. My dad is no better. They lock their bedroom door when they go out, when I'm at home. They hide food from us? They get angry if we try to eat when they're not eating. My Dad won't give me a key to the house. I have nowhere else to go and I'm slowly dying inside. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't handle being treated this way. And that's not even a quarter of it but I don't want to bore anyone. If anyone out there can give me any sort of advice on what to do in regards to them I would be ever so thankful and grateful. Thankyou for taking the time out to read this and sorry for rambling on. Xo

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

Vegetarian Marshmallow — Thu, 20 Jun 2013 10:55:46 GMT

Have you tried looking at this from their point of view?

Lots of people speak loudly on the phone, such as: people who are losing their hearing, people with misguided ideas about how telephones transmit sound, and people who are Italian. My family is Italian and I actually take earplugs with me to family gatherings, and can still hear their conversations with other people, from the other side of the room, as if they were yelling in my ears.

I wonder how real this pots and pans problem is. You know how when you don't like someone, everything they do annoys you? But if your best friend did the very same thing, you'd either not notice, or laugh and say "Oh, that's classic Charlie!". Is she actually doing anything with these pots and pans?

It's really your choice to stay in your room and not eat. You can't blame her for that. It's your own fault if you can't bear to look at her face. She didn't choose her face. Maybe her father had a thing for ugly girls, and so his offspring got stuck with ugly-face genes? Lots of people in the world will annoy you. If you're going to let that stop you from doing the things you want to do, you're going to have a rough time in life.

Parents always hide food from their kids, otherwise the kids will eat it all. I think that's just standard practice. They're allowed to spend their own money on treats for themselves.

It sounds like your dad doesn't trust you with a key to the house. Maybe he thinks you'll bring friends over, trash the place, or who-knows-what. Maybe he'll trust you more if you make some extravagantly responsible gestures, to show how trustworthy you are. Like "Oh let me help you with those dishes, mother dear!", "Look how amazingly clean I kept my room, father!", "While I was babysitting the Milton children, I taught them to read German. Ich bin ein guter Kartoffel, nein?", etc. etc.

You said that you don't like it when your step-mother goes in your room, but you don't like it when they keep you out of their room? Maybe they don't trust you and your brother not to steal their hidden food, or money. Or maybe they have weird sex toys in their room that they don't want you to stumble across.

Also, maybe they don't want you to spoil your appetite because when dinner comes, you'll waste the meal they've put effort into. Or that it will upset the household food budget. I find it annoying enough trying to work out what to buy in order to cheaply, efficiently, healthily, and tastily feed just myself, so imagine having to do it for others as well.

Do you have a job? If so, maybe you can buy whatever food you want and eat that.

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

Damien — Thu, 20 Jun 2013 11:17:47 GMT

Hello PersianGirl,

That's a rather nasty situation you're describing there and you have every reason to feel upset by it. If you are feeling stress, anxiety and depression, and it reads as though you are, then some of what you describe is normal response to a bad situation. The "advice" then is to change the situation, but of course that is much easier said than done.

Do you have counsellors you can talk to? Perhaps your Uni might have that sort of thing as part of their medical facility, I know mine did (20 years ago). You can also call Kids Helpline until you are age 24, so if you are in final year Uni this might still apply to you, and even if not there are other lines you can call for professional advice or just to hear a friendly voice for the times when you are especially low.

I hope you and your brother are able to be string with each other too.

Do you have friends? Can you spend time with them, talk to them? Could you spend less time at home and spend study time in the Library at Uni? The less time you spend in "the place" may help you if you can find solace or relief/release in being in a different spot, even if you still have to sleep at home.

Thank you for sharing your story; you certainly did not ramble, that is what this site is for. I'm afraid there's not much advice I can give, other than to find real-world people you can actually talk to where you are, and to do what you can to change your situation: things I am sure you are already trying. But know that you are not alone, you have been noticed, and there is a gang of online people cheering you on.

Bless.

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

PersianGirl — Sat, 22 Jun 2013 07:09:52 GMT

Hi Rodentron. Thanks for replying to me. However I don't think I made myself quite clear. It's almost as if you're implying this is all in my head, and it makes me also sound like a spoilt little brat. The thing is is that I am 22, and I have never given my father a reason to not trust me. I always always help with my share around the house, if not more than I should be. I am constantly washing dishes, cleaning my room and keeping everything tidy including my brothers room. You see, my dad hates my mum. The divorce was nasty and I happen to look a LOT like her. My Dad cannot stand to look at me in the face. Whenever I enter a room, he leaves it. The ONLY thing I can think of is because I remind him of my mother. I feel like I am being punished for The way Gods created me. I have never smoked, touched drugs or drank a sip of alcohol in my life. I have always tried to be family orientated and I have always cut off poisonous friends as soon as I have realised. There is no reason for my father to treat me this way and the fact that he doesn't give me a key to the house that is supposedly "mine" is not right and I think is psychotic. His wife gets a key after 8 years of marriage but I don't after 22 years and not just that but being his BLOOD. And no I'm not blowing the pots and pans thing out of proportion, my family is from Iran and we also speak loud and I know the difference. It is on purpose. And I never said that I think she is ugly or I hate her face. I said I don't leave my room so I don't have to see her face because it reminds me of how nasty and sneaky she is. Anyway I came on this site to get some sort of good advice because I felt so alone. But instead I was completely misunderstood. Thanks anyway il just seek some sort of other help I guess.

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

PersianGirl — Sat, 22 Jun 2013 07:15:05 GMT

Hello Damien. Thankyou very much for an understanding reply. You certainly did help me to figure out what my options are in this difficult situation. I do have help at uni but its just that first step I guess in going forward. I have been so busy studying that I haven't had time to pursue this counselling help that I need...I really do think it is time for me to speak to someone professional because I don't think their treatment is right. After all, my dad who should always be there for me has completely disregarded me and replaced me with this lady, who secretly doesn't like me. But puts on a fake act so as to impress my father. I do have friends that I can talk to, but end of the day it's so hard a lot of them don't understand, or they say dont worry u will get over it and things that don't really help. I can't blame them for that because u don't know what someone is going thru until u experience it urself. Anyhow I want to thankyou again for replying to me and giving me some options to work with. I guess I just really needed to vent. I definitely will be seeking professional help so as to work out how to deal with a family who doesn't love me. Thankyou Damien

all the best to u 🙂

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

Vegetarian Marshmallow — Tue, 25 Jun 2013 06:52:43 GMT

I know what you meant about her face. I was, regrettably, joking. Ugliness is a serious condition and I should not have jested about the possibility of your stepmum having it.

I wasn't necessarily painting you as the untrustworthy one - it could be that your father just doesn't trust easily.

Have you brought up your theory about why he is so distant with you, with him? How are your brother's relationships with your father and stepmother?

It seems very strange that your stepmother would yell into the phone, probably annoying the person she's talking to, just to annoy you. If that's the level of maturity you're dealing with, then yes it's probably best for you to just stay away from the house and make plans to move out.

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

geoff — Tue, 25 Jun 2013 23:51:07 GMT

dear Persiangirl, well I don't believe that Rodentron's initial comment would be of any help what's so ever, and comments like hers would turn me away and never return to this site.

Comments like ' wonder how real this pots and pans problem is' and 'you're going to let that stop you from doing the things you want to do, you're going to have a rough time in life', and ' so his offspring got stuck with ugly-face genes', whow there are other ways of communicating to people rather than being so blunt and critical.

Persiangirl it certainly sounds to be a tough existence and you are asking for help, support and advice, and I will reply again tomorrow. Geoff. x

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

The_Real_David_Charles — Wed, 26 Jun 2013 08:26:36 GMT

Dear Persian Girl,

Maybe worth considering that even if you dad didn't punish your for your face, etc, he could no doubt find many other punishable reasons that were genetically linked. Your speech, your movement, your taste in music, etc. It's all connected.

Adios, David.

PS Fake stepmothers ? Who needs them ? Family dynamics and all that.

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

PersianGirl — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 09:08:42 GMT

Hello Rodentron, Geoff and David, thankyou for your responses. I figured I would reply to you all in one posting, sorry exam time is killing me so i am short on time. Yes I completely agree it is something very peculiar to me. But a few of my other relatives agree its is the same thing, that I look too similiar to my mother and that's why he cant stand me. Its honestly a sad situation to be in, not feeling sorry for myself, but its a situation where I have no control over. I cant communicate with my Dad, everytime i try to talk to him he leaves the room. When he wants to ask me soemthing, he will come to my bedroom door and ask me from behind the door, he wont even open it to look at me and speak directly to me. Other times he will just send his wife to tell me what their plans are. Most of the time he wont even respond to my hello or goodbye. He enables his wife's behaviour towards me, If he had from the beginning told her where I stand as his child, how I come first, then we wouldnt have any problems. But he treats me like crap, by not considering me as a human, and she sees that and obviously thinks well he doesnt give a crap about her, why should i? He brought her an icrecream the other night, fro the back room which has our extra fridge in there, and i was standing right there but he didnt want me to see that he was giving her an icecream. As he was walking down the hallway, he was hiding the icecream bar and then as he approached the couch where she was sitting he threw the icecream on the couch behind the couch cushion so as to continue to hide it from me? It is not all in my head,the eyes don't lie. End of the day, I guess there is nothing I can do unless i get as far far away from both of them as possible, I guess just really needed to vent. Thank you to you all for your responses and taking the time to write to me.

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

The_Real_David_Charles — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 06:17:50 GMT

Hi Persian Girl,

Thanks for replying to BB responders Geoff, Damien, Rodentrdron and myself.

Sounds like things are getting a bit childish. But just because there's no acknowledgement of YOU doesn't mean you don't have value. I have one teenager left at home and 2 kids moved out. Today I asked her if she knew what her friend was studying at uni and when there was no reply simply added "don't you know ?". Rather than say "Nursing" I think I got the blasted "Don't you think I know what MY best friend is studying, STUPID !!!".

Maybe your Dad is pretending to be a teenager at the moment ? The more he treats you like crap the less valued you will feel and maybe the less bothered with him and your step mom. Like he is neutralising your feelings by being damaged. He's got some sort of filter on his communication. I think it's called stupidity.

Adios, David.

PS Is there any spare ice cream ?

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

Damien — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 07:44:48 GMT

Hey, nice photo!

You are worth the time to write to, that's the point of this forum. Or one of the points at least.

🙂

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

geoff — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 15:31:48 GMT

dear PersianGirl, thank you so much for replying back to us.

The whole situation seems to be pathetic by your father, such childish behaviour by him, it's just unbelievable.

You know that you have our full support behind you, and when your exams are over, and I'm sure you will do well, is to hop on the Jeannie rug and fly away from him as far as possible, and even change your name by de-fault.

Take care and please watch your back. L Geoff.

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

PersianGirl — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:35:15 GMT

Hi again David! Haha... Oh Gosh... I know exactly what you mean.. I certainly agree he is showing a filter of stupidity! Ahhh I'm so sick of him it's not even funny... I'm honestly getting to a point where I don't really care anymore, I just think look I'm not a child anymore, I can take care of myself, I can look after myself, I can feed, clothe, bathe and live for myself what am I worrying about? It's true it would be nice and fulfilling to have the love and care from a father, I see some of my friends and the way their fathers care for them and I think ahhh what would it feel like to have a Dad? A father? Someone who watches out for me, cares for me, calls me throughout the day, night, texts me asking if I'm okay, where i am, wondering who I am with.. It sounds stupid, most kids get annoyed when their parents hound them but I just would love that feeling, just to know that I am cared about.. My Dad doesn't even know me, he knows nothing of my life, just my age and my name. Oh well, what can you do? Hahaha I didn't check to see if there was any spare icecream actually, but to be honest I wouldn't touch it after what he did! It also wouldn't do good for all my venting I've been doing at the gym!! 🙂

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

PersianGirl — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:37:53 GMT

Hello Damien, thank you ! 🙂 and thank you for taking the time to write to me, I guess I just really needed to get this off of my chest, it has been killing me inside for a long long time, but I think I am finally coming to grips with the fact that this is life, this is how my father is and there's nothing I can do besides smile and get on with life, it's too short to be anything but happy (if only it was that easy though LOL) thanks again Damien 🙂

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

PersianGirl — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:48:36 GMT

Hello there Geoff, thank you for replying to me. Oh I couldn't agree more with you, I have never known a bigger child than him, he is 55 for God sake it's crazy! As I was telling David Charles on my earlier post, all I ever wanted was to be cared for by my father, and something so simple he cannot do. I have dwelled on this for far too long though, it is time to move on. And to be honest I am so sick of hearing " oh well, you know your father" from people who know him!! I don't think that should be an excuse for anyone's behaviour. It's like murdering someone and going on trial, and your lawyer arguing to the jury "oh well, that's just Mahtab's (me) behaviour. That's just her" not acceptable...why have children in the first place if you're not going to care for about their existence,, I don't get it.. Well I've come to the conclusion that end of the day, HE is the one who will suffer when I am far far away from him.. He will look around and wonder where is my daughter? - Although I don't think he will ever would but let's just say... I think he will regret it big time. And you're right, I really do have to hop on that persian carpet out of here..and the name change sounds magnificent!!! I never really thought of that to be honest, thankyou for your brilliant advice Geoff.. Much appreciated and again, thankyou for responding to me, it feels really good to know that even though BB individuals have never met in reality, that it is still possible, from behind a computer to develop a connection with them simply by voicing your problems and knowing that you are not alone. 🙂

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

Komiyan — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 12:52:20 GMT

Hi PersianGirl, i read your OP and my eyes started to water <:(

I'm in almost the EXACT same predicament! Only difference is my stepmother is stone cold, she badmouths me behind my back to my father, and only ever confronts me when she's drunk. She used to be more upfront, but now it's a simple air war, as soon as i see her face my 'flight' instinct kicks right on in, and i hide somewhere she isn't.

Recently she has not even recognized my existence, just pretends i'm not there. But i can tell her thoughts, she wants me gone as soon as it's even plausible. Her hatred is so much, that it is now destroying my spirit, i'm literally dying from the stress caused by her mere presence!

When she is not around, or i'm studying at tafe, i feel FINE.
In fact i actually start to feel better as my train proceeds to it's destination, it's like the farther away i am from her, the less stressed i am. The same goes for coming home, i go from perfectly fine to ready to throw up by the time i arrive home.

My anxiety is quite bad when it comes to living with this "predator", in fact it's quite sickening. I can not eat at all when she is within a kilometer of me (LITERALLY!), i cant think without my thoughts drifting towards how bad this woman treats me, and once again i emphasize that it's her thoughts that do this to me: she has a stressful life of her own, so naturally she directs all this stress as hatred upon me, and although it sounds nuts, it's true, because when she's drunk, she sometimes loses control over her cork, and spits some nasty sentence my way. Unprovoked too, so i know by proof, she HATES ME, but hides it WELL.
However, because i concluded this hatred is real, it has made me many times more anxious than when i was before i made the conclusion.

Nauseating, stressful, and depressing, that's what my step mother's presence is.

Dad's fine, it's just this megabeast that's the problem. And i don't have anywhere to go, half my family is on the other side of the planet, and the other half have problems of their own. I need a stable environment, my mother and grandmother are stable and calm, but my mother passed away a year ago, and my grandmother isn't doing well either.

So basically it's live in hell, or live on the streets for me :{

I do know that once i finish my study, and get a job, i'm OUTTA HERE! (I voiced that out loud to dad half a week ago, since then my anxiety tripled. I think she figured i'm trying to get away, and maybe she is deliberately trying to hate my spirit to death even harder than before? Frick now i sound crazy! Well at least the picture is crystal clear, this woman is driving me insane AND killing me inside!)

Geoff is totally right, moving away is the only remedy to this kind of situation. And i've been thinking that for the past 4 years that dad and monster have been together.

So PersianGirl, even though i can't really put up a debate on who's stepmother is really the worst, but i know where your'e coming from, because i live it every single freakin day...
It does feel better to know i'm not alone, that others have had a megabeast tear them apart from the inside.

(BTW i see this is a bit of an old thread, how are things going? Did you get away from the monster?)

Anxiety from father and sneaky stepmother

optimistic — Sat, 15 Mar 2014 14:08:13 GMT

Hi Persian Girl

If you are 22 and in uni and have a brother, have you considered moving out and living with some friends or your brother or yourself and picking up a casual job and may be even doing uni part time. That way you can distance yourself from the toxic environment at home as well as develop your independence. The negative thoughts are causing more havoc for you than anyone else.

Good luck and God bless.