topic Sex and boys in Young people

Sex and boys

shay2 — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 03:45:43 GMT

Hi I'm Shay

13 year old female

So listen I am depressed, suicidal and self harm.

I really like this boy in my class right and he is always flirting with me. He asked me to give him oral sex and I said that I would but now he wants to know if he can have sex with me, I am a virgin and I guess I want to but I have a few problems. he is always feeling me up when he gets the chance and talks dirty to me.

here is a list of problems and please don't judge me:

*I am scared it will hurt

*I don't shave or wax (down there) -embarrassing *cringe*- and i don't know if he will mind

*How do I get condoms?

*Where and when can I do it so my parents wont find out?

*will it make me more depressed?

*what if he can't fit in me

Please if you could give an answer to all these it would b very helpful

Sex and boys

The_Real_David_Charles — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 13:18:31 GMT

Dear Shay,

Go talk to a friend, a classmate, a teacher, a counsellor, a GP, watch Dr Phil, the local clinic, a neighbour, your parents, a relative, a sister/brother, your pet or just about anyone that you can get good communication from. Because, you might be about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

You are in control. No boy should force himself on you - that's called rape. It's not just the physical side that is important. What about your emotional side ? If you are "depressed, suicidal and self harm[ing]" then how does some teenage sex fit into all that. Wouldn't you want to be more stable and 100% healthy before giving into to someone that talks dirty and feels you up "when he gets the chance" ? Don't you want to be valued and made to feel loved ? Sustain a great friendship for a year or so (or longer) rather than fight some more issues ?

Condoms are bought at chemists, the hymen breaking will cause some pain/bleeding and yes, if the emotional pressure is too much for you it might deepen your existing depression and give you suicidal thoughts. In another couple of years you will be able to handle all this as a developing woman. Sadly, if something goes wrong I don't think your parents would hesitate to support you. Not that they don't understand about sex. Just that they might think your safety, well being and immaturity need a bit of guidance.

I had a great girlfriend at High School for 3 - 4 years and we used to have sex at her house all the time. But we were 17 / 18 years old and went to get some Sexual Health Guidance first. Back in those days they would even show you how to put a condom on a banana or a test tube. It was quite funny. I mean, why would you want to have sex with a banana ? Lol.

Adios, David.

PS I am 50 with 3 teenagers. And a dog. If I sound judgemental I didn't mean it that way. Just a bunch of facts or things to think about before taking the plunge.

Sex and boys

geoff — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 19:28:39 GMT

dear Shay, thanks for joining us, and your questions are usual ones for people of your age.

I don't think that you will have trouble buying condoms, maybe wait until there's a young girl/boy on the register you might feel easier, or just say that your sister needs them, or your pharmacist might be able to help you.

He will be able to fit into you as you will slowly stretch as you lubricate.

I think the excitement of having sex won't make you depressed at all, it will be trilling for you.

Having hair in your region won't bother him at all, maybe later he might ask you to shave, but initially don't worry.

About hurting you just tell him to do it slowly and not just do it aggressively, it's called foreplay which will again lubricate your organ.

Do you have an adult with whom you talk to often, and if so get them to take you to a doctor so that you can get 'the pill', I know that you are using condoms, but sometimes the urge becomes too strong and then have sex without the time to put one on.

You will need protection down the track as you become 18, 19 or so on, so it's best to take the pill now.

Condoms aren't 100% safe as our eldest was conceived with a condom, it had a hole in it, and it wasn't deliberately done by me anyway.

With regards to your parents, well we are all different, some will accept it, well it is 2013, and the assumption of their kids not having sex until they are 18, well that's gone a long time ago, and that's only me talking, some may have other ideas.

People always find a place to have sex, but try not to get any bruises on the neck, a dead give away, and how are they going to stop you anyway, ground you, but then you still have to go to school. Geoff. x

Sex and boys

ModeratorA — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 09:21:34 GMT

Dear Shay, thanks for your post.

Growing up and having intimate relationships with people including sex is all part of life. One of the important parts of that is to remember that you only need to have sex with somebody (or do other things with them) if you want to. Not because you feel any pressure for any other reason. You need to make the decision about what is right for you and when it is right. You have heaps of really good questions about the whole sex thing. It is great you are thinking about all this stuff before you have sex for the first time. It is especially good that you are thinking about condoms. It is important to protect yourself and the person you choose to have sex with.

It would be really good if you could talk to somebody about this stuff before you go ahead. We know it can feel a bit embarrassing to talk about this stuff, but if you are going to do it you can probably talk about it hey. Find out where your local community health centre is or a local GP and ask if you can speak to the nurse. You can phone them up if you prefer so you don't need to see them face to face. Alternatively call Kids help line and speak to somebody on the phone (1800 55 1800). You won't be judged.

from the moderators

Sex and boys

ben_dunthorne — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 18:51:22 GMT

Shay

1)it Will Hurt Causeits Your First Time,but Do You Reallywanna Have Sex For the First Time And It Not Be Special..

2) Some Guys Like Girls Waxed/shaven But Some Dont...so Ask

3)just Go To Your Local Chemist Or Deli And Buy Them, If They Ask Say Yourusing Them As Water Balloons:)

4)at Home Whe Your Parents Are Out,but Think About It

5)it Will If He is Just Using You...

6)its Natuarl For The First Time Thst He wont Fit, Just Make Sureyou Think About It

Sex and boys

shay2 — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 11:06:29 GMT

Hi David

Thank you for some very sound advice and it may have just been what I needed to hear from a responsible adult. You are completely right about everything you said and I think I will wait a bit longer before giving myself to someone.

There is one boy who I think really cares about me and has been a friend for 2 years. We have dated before and he has never tried anything with me and he is really sweet, we both admitted our feelings towards each other and he said he loved me. We have talked about sex and he said that when ever I am ready and comfortable we will do it.

Please do not worry about sounding judgmental as you did not at all just someone with a lot more years than me that was trying to help me 🙂

Sex and boys

Melinda — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 21:37:03 GMT

I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be doing something like this for the first time if you aren't feeling emotionally stable. If he ends up using you, it could do more harm than good. I regret my first time, and I remember it vividly. It upset me so much, I felt used, betrayed and disgusted. The first time is rarely good if you don't know your body, what you like and if both of you aren't willing to take it slow to try to make it as enjoyable as possible.

it will hurt because you're stretching a part of your body that may never have been stretched even a little before. There may be bleeding when the hymen breaks, be prepared for some clean up.

if you try figuring out how you like to be touched and what feels good for you, then it may make it a little easier, because your body will be aroused and readying itself for it all. If he doesn't care what you like and only wants to please himself, he's not worth your time and you're better off finding someone who likes you for you, not for what you're willing to do for them.

sometimes people will see people like us as weak and easy to manipulate, they will pretend to befriend us, get what they want and drop us like a rock. I don't mean to sound cynical, but just be wary of who you trust and befriend.

As hard as it might be, you really need to talk about this with an adult you trust. If something goes wrong, the condom breaks or you have a bad time, you might need someone who can help you aftwards.

Sex and boys

Damien — Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:21:41 GMT

Hi Shay.

Answer One: What David said. (The REAL David Charles so you know it's legit.) 😉

Answer Two: School Counsellor answers, part ONE...

*I am scared it will hurt: It might, reasons given by other people in posts above.

*I don't shave or wax (down there) -embarrassing *cringe*- and i don't know if he will mind: He might, which makes me wonder why you think yourself worthy of him. He also might not, but in my experience as a counsellor boys expect girls to look like the "clean girls" they see in internet porn.

*How do I get condoms?: School counsellors have them (!!!), and chemist shops. You can also get them from Health Clinics and the public toilets in pubs. You're too young to go to a pub, so there's part of your answer.

*Where and when can I do it so my parents wont find out?: A perfectly good reason not to do it in the first place. Okay, so parents are the enemy and this is the typical "adult" answer again, but still...

*will it make me more depressed?: Quite possibly. Melinda is on the ball there in her answer.

*what if he can't fit in me: Actually he will, and not just because you should wave your little finger at him (was it him?) as David said elsewhere. Girls, even 13 year olds, are pretty elastic down there. This doesn't mean it won't hurt, but so long as he puts it in the right hole it's okay.

Answer Three: School Counsellor answers Part TWO

It is illegal for you to have sexual contact with anyone, no matter their age, until you are sixteen years of age. I don't mean to shout, I just don't want you to miss that point. This boy, even if you say yes, and even if he's also 13/14 (or even 12) will be committing an offence which could put him on the Sex Offenders' Register. If he's also under-age, then you're breaking the same law. The cops may let it go, they may not even know, but it's illegal for a reason; someone cleverer than us thinks its a bad idea for 13 year olds to have sex.

(And it's not a religious idea otherwise all sex except for married men and women would be illegal. IT's not about morality, it's about human development and the capacity of young brains to cope)

BTW, as great a respect I have for Geoff, the pill may stop you conceiving a child but it does nothing to stop you getting an STD.

I see you've replied to David, and have decided to hold off. This is good and perhaps my advice is not required. (Having said that, 16 is still the legal age) Even so, find someone you can trust to really talk about this with you in person.

🙂

Sex and boys

The_Real_David_Charles — Thu, 20 Jun 2013 17:08:49 GMT

Dear Shay,

There is another advice angle - the glossies (with or without sealed sections). There's an article on sex (just for a change !) in one of the main mags recently that features how female celebrities view all this. To quote, for a sec:

Megan Fox: "We have the vaginas, we win".

It's a bit confusing having all these different perspectives. Especially the featured articles titled "We bonked for 7 hours and then he said he loved me". I mean, your considered comments (back to me) seem to have more maturity despite your 13 year old status. But then I can't give you a free shampoo sample.

Adios, David.

PS Nice to get Melinda's response in addition to myself, Mod A, geoff and ben. Maybe a few more ladies will chip in with this topic that is close to our hearts.

Sex and boys

T_J_L — Wed, 26 Jun 2013 02:19:28 GMT

hi shay,

i made the mistake of almost "doing it" with a boy. he came over to help with homework and we started doing stuff. problem was he had a girlfriend. you should only ever have sex if you really love eachother. talk to him. and see if he really loves you. if he is pressuring you, DONT DO IT!! just tell him upfront. dont make my mistake. cuz the only reason i alsmost did it with this guy was because we both were in the mood. it was a mistake. he didnt penetrate me because there was no protection.. just he doesnt sound like the right guy. dont loose it if he isnt right. i almost had to learn that lesson the hard way. so yea im rambling. i personally wouldnt do it..

your 13.. young we have a life ahead of us. and if you have depression. it made mine worse for a while. talk to me about anything as we are similar in age and stuff. im always around to talk

in the end its your descision.. ok

tegan

Sex and boys

The_Real_David_Charles — Wed, 26 Jun 2013 11:23:08 GMT

Dear Shay,

ABC has a show "Insight" and today's subject was virginity. It's got a host and a bunch of discussion generators.

The hymen was talked about and, boy, wasn't that a complex issue - sizes, cultures, some sexed up couples going for a re-attachment of the hymen come marriage time to appease the traditional culture [one surgeon quoted 50 - 60 operations like this a year]. And so on. As a part of the body, the hymen wasn't even recognised till the 16th century.

The control from the male species to have a true virgin as a bride was full on. But none of the researchers could pick a time in history when this phenomenon came into existence. And then of course the virginal state of a man is a tad harder to predict. Multiple partners being a problem to determine fatherhood.

Sex seems such a simple thing but there are many issues associated with it. I'm not sure if this is the most confusing part. Possibly the discovery of sex is often overshadowed by the realisation that your own parents..........had/have sex ! Yuck ! And with Viagra.......... I mean, a 77 yr old these days can be as randy as a 17 yr old. It just looks bad when you put your teeth in afterwards but with a new knee and hip replacement Brad PItt watch out.

Adios, David.

Sex and boys

Mr_J — Sun, 28 Jul 2013 14:51:56 GMT

Hi Shay,

Just be careful, please respect your body before you let someone into your life like that. This is a big step and if you're not respecting or loving yourself first than they might show that same respect.

13 is young, i'm not saying don't do it. Just it's amazing with the right person.

As a young man i slept with a lot of girls. Many were fooled by my charm into having sex, not forced, never, just charming. I knew what i wanted and i said the right things. I feel bad about it now and wish i hadn't. Having sex with someone you love is so much better than sex with some guy from your class.

Age isn't a factor in this, self respect, self love and really wanting it is. If you wait you look SO MUCH HOTTER in the eyes of guys. Virgins are beautiful and people that have had minimal partners are so much more exciting in my eyes now. They are closed off you must try to love them to get that love back. It's great. A true connection.

I hope you find this.

Sex and boys

abm — Fri, 16 Aug 2013 14:50:55 GMT

This basically in the same situation as i am. i dont know if he is the right one to do it with though since he is my ex. and he is leaving next year and i will never see him again, no contact.so thats why i want to do something with him before he goes to have some memory of us together that was special. He is the type of person who doesnt want to be in a relationship at this age but wants to do stuff. I feel for you at this age its hard to make decisions like these. i am 14 xx

Sex and boys

The_Real_David_Charles — Sat, 17 Aug 2013 06:03:14 GMT

Dear abm,

Wow - this thread keeps growing. It seems like first time sex is assumed to be "special". But what if it isn't ? You can't believe everything you read in the sealed section of Cosmopolitan. Many woman and men are not compatable physically.

Surely, if you want a serious time in a serious relationship you would want a partner not "a memory of a partner" ? Having contact then "no contact" has got to be the worst way of being with/without someone. The advice from the moderators to approach the community health centre/local GP/Kids Helpline seems to have been ignored for some fantasy moment from internet porn.

Emotional input is just as important as physical input. There has got to be a great relationship out there, given time, for Shay, abm and Daniel Radcliffe.

Adios, David.

Sex and boys

dew_drops — Sun, 18 Aug 2013 12:05:01 GMT

Hi Shay..great to see your seeking advice & thinking this through before doing anything.I think what you wrote in your first line is a really important factor here.When you say your depressed & self harm, do you know the reasons or have you spoken to anybody about it before?Its so sad that your experiencing these horrible feelings & know that there is help out there if you feel you can find the courage to talk about it.

Now to the boy/sex issues..Maybe ask yourself, what is it about it you like?Does he make you feel special & worthy of giving up your virginity for?Or maybe its just teenage hormones (which is natural & normal)& he wants to have sex with you..??Because if he only wants to have sexual & then doesent talk or have a friendship with you again...i would be sure this would set you back with your depression.Do you have a school councellor that you can confide in?Or anyone you can trust to talk too?

What ever you do darling, remember you & your health come first.If someone really likes you & respects you, then they wont pressure you.This is your life, do what is true to you & your feelings & think about your health first.Good luck Shae..here if you need us xx

Sex and boys

geoff — Sun, 18 Aug 2013 16:54:39 GMT

dear Abm, the time might be great, however if you decide to do something with him before he leaves, this will make it much harder to let go of him and vice-versa. Geoff. x

Sex and boys

guest1 — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 15:27:53 GMT

Sorry I am intruding in this area, but have extensive experience with teenagers.

NO NO NO!!!

Do not have such a personal and precious experience in these circumstances!

This boy is not committed to you in any way, you are really quite young (below average age) for having sex.

Do not just give it to him. Make him commit to you. Honestly if you give him this easily, he will not respect you.

If you really want to give this to him, make him WORK, WORK, WORK, for it, and treat you like a Queen! Never promise anything though.

Personally I strongly suggest, that having a healthy relationship in place, and waiting for several weeks to see if the relationship is going well, well that's the best context to have sex if you must at your age.

Don't let this guy walk all over you to get what he wants.

Remember whatever you do with him, he may talk and lots of other people may find out.

Sex and boys

guest1 — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 15:30:48 GMT

Also I wanted to say your self harm and depression is of concern.

Please listen to the advice on here, and find somebody to talk to.

Getting involved with boys and even having sex is NO CURE for the emotional pain you are in. In fact if he disregards you after (as often happens) you may feel much worst, you may feel used.

You need somebody to listen to you and love you (in a non-sexual way) because of your emotional pain. Please consider talking to your school Councillor , or even a Doctor if you can get to one. Also try ringing the kid's health line and telling them about your depression and self harm.