topic I feel guilty of being who I am. in Young people

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Fri, 06 Jun 2014 16:05:18 GMT

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel.

(continued in the first comment below)

I feel guilty of being who I am.

white knight — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 05:49:48 GMT

Hi GMC, welcome to the forum.

Two things come to mind when I read your post. Firstly individualism. I can only use myself as an example. I've told my wife I will never ride in a bus. I cant bare to be controlled by a bus driver. Odd? yes it is and certainly impractible. Of course if I really had to I would but not by choice.

I will never join a club. Clubs are full of politics, bullies and jealousy and certainly individuals that dont understand characters like me that are left of field on the fringe.

So my point here is that you have expressed how you are apparently hard to follow for others to assist you. Perhaps you are so different in your thinking due to your abusive upbringing that its hard for others to get through the layers to get to the core of the issues?

Secondly, I am guessing but its possible your hatred in asking for advice is also linked to your childhood. Perhaps someone in your childhood has forced you to do something you didnt want to do? At any rate you have to bite the bullet in that area to find out where your issues lie. I was 54yo 4 years ago when I finally found out what the problem was with a close relative that near ruined my life. Now I'm settled and relaxed in the knowledge it wasnt me and the issues I have with depression anxiety etc are now nicely controlled with medication. I dont care what pills I take as long as they do the job.

Medication is one piece of the jigsaw, revelation, finding the right counsellor for YOU, family support, etc all make the whole picture to a brighter future.

Good luck. Dont give up....keep on it

I feel guilty of being who I am.

Struggler — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 07:01:26 GMT

Hi gmc

Your post has been up for 14 hours and no one has responded to you yet. I just want you to know that you are not being ignored. There are so many new posts and it takes time for others to respond to them.

I am not much of a counsellor but I am posting just so you don't feel that nobody cares. Other experienced posters will give you good advice soon. It is indicated there are two posts from you but I can only see one.

Meanwhile, are you still seeing this psychiatrist ?

Struggler

I feel guilty of being who I am.

Neil_1 — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 08:27:01 GMT

Dear gmc

Firstly, welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post. As Struggler kindly pointed out, that your post has been on the system for some hours - but at times, they don't initially appear due to moderation needing to take place on some posts. But the important thing is, it's here now.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here gmc - I would be ceasing to go to these "so-called" specialists immediately. From how you've described them, they appear to show no empathy or compassion for you at all. And boy oh boy, from what I can make out of your story, you really need professional support from 'caring' and well-meaning specialists.

gmc, on this site, Beyond Blue have provided a list of GP's that you can do a search for and hopefully you'll find one or two in your local area. The thing with these GP's is that they are all qualified to deal with mental health issues. From seeing one of these, they will be able to best advise you for further referrals to appropriate psychologists/psychiatrists - and will be able to provide you with appropriate medication as well. I do hope you can do this, because these ones you've been too are not helping you at all.

On this site, we have a number of wonderful ladies who post regularly and among their main issues are that they are all dealing with the horrors of having suffered from childhood abuse. Every time I hear of child abuse, it makes me sick in the stomach - that we can have people who breath the same oxygen as we do, that are actually animal-like mongrels!!

I'll send this now and I have no doubt that you're going to be receiving a number of other posters to you.

I do hope you can come back to us as well.

Kind regards

Neil

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 10:11:39 GMT

(continued here)

From the first moment I've seen him, I felt like he could bring me to present time, as I'm always in the past or the future. I felt like getting close to him, being able to open myself in front of him, but I feel like he's seducing me (not always in a sexual way and not crossing ethical boundaries) and then whipping me to reeducate me. That's how I feel like after our last meeting yesterday. I feel him like all other men I met, a female not letting herself being owned and being hunted. He says he's going with the flow I'm dictating. He told me I was a highly emotional person.

Last night I returned from therapy and got into bed and stayed there from 7 pm until I got asleep, going up just to eat and go to toilet. As I usually do when I am having a bad moment, I didn't have a shower. I clean my house, I take care of hygiene before every session, I feel awkward writing this, but this is how it is.

I don't want to find an escape into pills or smoking or series or internet or anything, I want to put myself in a reeducating environment (like rehab, hospital or prison, not a real one, but to build one for myself), but I feel like I do this because he doesn't give me what I want and I feel like that 9 months old child (and I am 23, almost 24) who cries because the parent doesn't let him do what he wants. I feel guilty. But I don't understand! I feel threatened by his temper. The day I see him I'm unable to do anything else. I feel like he won't listen and I hate this battle we're taking.I feel afraid of him, I want to revenge on how he makes me feel, and I don't know what to do. He seems like my only chance. He says this is how he works with people, that he's tough and that if I can't take it, he easily gives up therapies.
I know, I might give some other details and this is not enough, but I really need to read something encouraging and kind and objective from someone, as no only one person (that I am not close to actually and she gave me his contact) know I'm seeing him and I can't talk to anyone about how I feel and about him and I have no support.

PS: I'm from Europe.

I feel guilty of being who I am.

Struggler — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 13:12:38 GMT

Hi gmc

I am really concerned by your second post. So someone you know gave you the contact of this psychiatrist? In other words, you were not referred to him by your GP? I won't comment more until you write back with more info.

Struggler

I feel guilty of being who I am.

Struggler — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 13:26:06 GMT

I read your posts again. Sorry I misunderstood you. Someone gave the details of beyond blue and that's why you are here for support. You've come to the right place.

Like Neil and White Knight suggested, there are good GPs here who can refer you to an appropriate psychiatrist. What you present psychiatrist is doing with you, does not seem normal to me at all.

Struggler

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 14:32:25 GMT

Hello, Struggle, hello to others who posted.

I didn't receive his contact from someone from BB. Let me explain. A week before I contacted this person, I was google-ing for help when I had a panic attack. I live in Europe, in a country from the ex-comunist block, doesn't matter where. When I found BB I didn't really care it is from Australia, as long as I wrote to someone a message and she/he responded in a supportive way. The thing is that here people are very reserved and blaming and ashamed of even talking about mental health. Even this guy I'm seeing now told me I shouldn't tell people around about myself, as I don't even have my family support. My dad is sometimes a good guy, but he's been most of my life apart from home and he is very depressed as well, he's 52 and never accepted this. I guess it is hard for me as well to accept this all anxiety and depression and panic attacks and loneliness and you already guess the list I could make. And my mom... he's addicted to him. And she is very scared of him. I also let you guess the reasons.

So no family support on this thing.

And yes, you are right, I was forced to do things I didn't want. As when I was a kid, my dad forced me to eat something I didn't like. And I swallowed it and made me sick, but I couldn't say it...

I was thinking about telling all of these to my psychiatrist, maybe we could work it out, not going to another specialist as he predicted me I would do, as long as I don't admit to myself I am the one I am doing wrong to myself and I am the one I should change something.

I could go on and on with this, but I set up for myself a sort of a purifying isolation these days, but I guess I can't do it as I already started convulsive eating again.

Thank you all for your support. If you don't mind, I'll keep posting here. Maybe I am trying to solve my problems with the specialist I've been to, but as my psychiatrist doesn't let me solve these problems with him, I guess I could at least write about it here.

I feel guilty of being who I am.

geoff — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 15:37:58 GMT

dear Gmc, thanks for being able to trust us so that we can try and help you.

This post of yours worries me greatly because I can't believe that any psychiatrist could possibly treat any patient in a tough way, and the reason is simple in that a person suffering from any type of depression is fragile, withdrawn and that their life has dramatically changed, and by counselling you in this way would only make you fearful of him, and this happened with a psychiatrist to me, so it only lasted one session.

It would also disencourage you to mention any secrets or private thoughts to him because he would only throw it back to you in a meanful way, so I would suggest to you to dump this fellow and as Neil has mentioned.

I can't believe that anybody could work this way, it's just not on.

There are a number of people here that have had childhood abuse, and what these creeps have done is disgusting, and it has left a stain on them for up to 50 years or even more later on in their life because it has been hidden, too scared to mention it, too embarrassed or no one that they could trust to disclose their story to, which I can understand, however as young girls they would have been too frightened for any consequences.

This unlawful act has to be addressed and the best way is to educate children at school, and all these schools are lacking so much in what SHOULD be taught.

We would really love you to continue posting here. L Geoff. x

I feel guilty of being who I am.

Neil_1 — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 22:53:59 GMT

Dear gmc

Thanx for providing your 2nd post - it obviously took a little while to get through before we could all see it.

I am with Struggler on this one - I'm shaking my head with some of the weird (actually awful) suggestions that this psychiatrist is asking (or seemingly, telling) of you.

Tell him, you're NOT just people, tell him you're a decent human being, who should be treated as such. Therefore, you don't get the choice to give up on me - but tell him, I'm cancelling any further sessions with you. We're finished - goodbye.

I'd either then get up and walk out the door (actually no, I'd then hang up the phone) - because that way it won't cost you to have that 40 second interchange with him.

From everything you've written gmc, he's not helping you one bit. At times I even read it that he was the perpetrator of the childhood abuse.

I do hope you can post back soon.

Neil

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Sun, 08 Jun 2014 09:09:42 GMT

Thank you all very much for your support. It really calms me down the fact that I write it down to someone who actually read it, because I've been filling pages for years, trying to talk to people through writing, although never reading that to them or sending them. Until this psychiatrist, that I've actually read my thoughts. I can't express verbally what I'm thinking so it was better if I did it like this. He said he's never had this kind of sessions, that's what makes me even more unusual. That's how I got to telling him about some years of my childhood when our family, we had a priest visiting that used to like me very much and saying all over to my family that if I wasn't that young, he would have married me, I wouldn't get away. I used to hide, but my family enjoyed it and found me and took me to him just to watch me and smile in a way that for me was so threatening. Then about a teacher I had in school that used to get too close to me. And then a friend of my dad's who did the same. I don't want it to sound awkward, but I'm very pretty, at least that's what others say. I tried to be a model for a while, but I guess it didn't work for me. I even tried harder because I've always felt like a freak because I am very tall, I am 1.86m tall.

An well, it wasn't anything sexual with those guys, but enough so that I could be hell scared.

My mom has always been a martyr type, but I didn't actually needed that to know at 6 or 7, or having me transferred all of her fear of being alone with a man.

So I have always been afraid of men. And I am discussed of most. (Hope it's not impolite to you guys 🙂 )

About my therapist... I don't know. I'll write to him, just to feel relieved. If you don't mind, I'll post the e-mail here in a reply.

Thanks again you all. And I really hope my story inspires others to be brave and fight. I've always been a fighter. I've been aware of the fact that

I needed help.

I feel guilty of being who I am.

Mares73 — Sun, 08 Jun 2014 23:21:34 GMT

Dear gmc I can feel you are torn about what to do & you are also very fragile & experiencing depression & anxiety. I have a strong background of abuse-my father, a priest & also a stranger. I'm going to the Royal Commission to tell my story about the priest as I don't want it to ever happen to someone else. Now-im going to be BLUNT-DO NOT go back to that psychiatrist he is playing mind games & you are fragile & need to be seen by someone who can be trusted. Please go to a GP that's listed on this site-they are highly trained in mental health & will find you a decent psychiatrist. You don't need anymore trauma. You have an illness. It's not the sum of who you are. Please consider what I've said-i honestly feel this psychiatrist is acting inappropriately & like me your self esteem is low enough as we tend to blame ourselves. Be good to hear back from you about all this. Lve Mares xxx

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 08:08:42 GMT

Hello MAres73, hello everyone else,

Last night I was checking over and over for replies on this post, although I knew that being from another country and having over -10 hours than Australia. This is why I can't call for a GP on the website. There is no service like this in my country. I am here on BB because of your huge support, that I am very thankful of.

Back to last night, it was when I have been trying to write that e-mail to my psychiatrist. I didn't send it, I just composed most of it. But then I had an insomnia and I couldn't cry, not until I got to think about the only person that was a support for me even for such a short time... I was thinking over and over about all the things I want to write in that e-mail.

I am going to post and after I do, I will call him and say I can't go anymore to him. It's the only thought that got me calmed down when I left his office last time, too.

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 08:18:13 GMT

I called him and said I'm now showing up. Boy, he was so calm... Now I even feel more guilty and exactly like he said, that I will never be OK, that I am not going to take his treatment, that he works very tough. And I am not strong enough and he was my only chance to get better.

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 08:21:54 GMT

I swear I want to leave the country to get a treatment...

I feel guilty of being who I am.

Struggler — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 09:59:04 GMT

Hi gmc

This is very concerning. You emailed saying you were not going to him anymore. Then in your next post you showed up at his office!

You don't even have to tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Just don't show up, don't answer his call or email. You don't owe him an explanation.

He is manipulating your mind. His is not helping you. He is despicable and a creep who doesn't have your best interest at heart. What will happen if you stop going to him?

I hope other posters will give more support.

Struggler

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 15:30:07 GMT

Hello Struggler,

I didn't show up, I just called to ask him for an e-mail address ( I guess I won't finally write to him anymore... ) and said I'm not showing up anymore. We didn't talk for more than a minute, maybe not even that long. Then I had a painful panic attack, I just had pain in my head, my left side of the brain and I took a pill from my mom's. I'm sort of fine now, looking for info on BB. Too bad I can't move to AUS for a good medical care...

I was thinking, what if I start a blog where I write my failures in therapy so far? Or better said their failures? Do you think it could help?

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 15:59:43 GMT

I so wanted to learn very much from him, I wanted to get better. After we first met, I took the bus and I saw a woman. I just saw her, I was aware of her presence. She was just a moment in time, she was there and I could focus on her, not on myself.

After every time we met, I was so... I don't know, shocked in a good way - I used to say, mostly because I could tell that someone who seems very competent is taking care of me and he listens to me.

I bought one of books that I couldn't read until the end, I got very depressed and I stopped. The last time I took it to him to write something on it. He wrote: to G (I won't write here my name), with respect for the courage she confronts a hostile world.

And now I feel I have nothing and I have to go all over again. Sometimes I am strong, I say that this is something that can be solved out, but sometimes...

I have to

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 18:09:18 GMT

It's now that I am reading my posts again.

So: I told him I tried to talk to people at work about my depression and attacks and he said I shouldn't, because people here are as I told you about mental health and being depressed is shameful to people here and people hide it and I will be marginalized and this would ruin my personal and professional relationships. I felt that sometimes, people give all sort of advice that it's not how I feel, that I should not feel this way, that I don't do enough to get out of this. He once said that I could bring a family member and he'd talk them out, but I don't know what happened to this.

I am seriously allergic to this phrase, that I am not doing enough to change something good for myself. I swear that this is the first question I am going to ask my future therapist: Are you going to repeat over and over that it's me who's not doing enough to get myself out of this condition?

I am very lonely right now. But I will do some things to make myself feel better. I made the decission of going to gym starting from tomorrow. I have two close to my place, so I wil choose one tomorrow :). And I will try to have a regular sleep schedule.

I feel my brain rumbling...

I feel guilty of being who I am.

gmc — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 18:34:52 GMT

Do you think this could be enough to file a complain regarding his therapy?