topic Re: How do I get a girlfriend in Young people

How do I get a girlfriend

Richardb3 — Sun, 28 Aug 2022 01:08:00 GMT

How can I get a girlfriend ? You would think you could just cruise through life and it would happen naturally, but I have realised that this is not the case. I am so depressed all the time now. How can I overcome this?

Dear Richardb3, Thank you for your post this morning. We...

Sophie_M — Sun, 28 Aug 2022 03:12:58 GMT

Dear Richardb3,

Thank you for your post this morning. We're sorry to hear how much it affects your self esteem and overall happiness in life, feeling as though you don't know how to get a girlfriend, and wondering what you're doing wrong.

First of all we want to ask if you have a regular professional support person? (ie a regular counsellor). Especially when our mental health and self esteem are being affected by the issues in our lives, it's generally a great idea to link in with someone who can really get to know us and support us on an individual level - in a way that we can't just hearing only little snippets of what is going on. If you don't already have someone, it might be worth considering - even if only for a short time?

Secondly, we wonder if you are struggling because you're putting in so much focus into finding only a romantic connection? Do you have many girls as friends? Sometimes we can put so much pressure on the focus of attaining a romantic connection that we forget to enjoy others as friends as well. It's a good idea (at any age and/or life experience), to let go of only considering others as romantic connections - it's important even just getting to know someone and having fun with others, making friends, connecting with a social circle and seeing where things go naturally from there?

Please rembember that being our best selves is very important so that when we do finally meet someone we want to be in relationship with (and it's reciprocal), we can be the best versions of ourselves in the relationship and thats important for having healthy relationships overall.

Please consider giving one of our counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 (or maybe you might prefer online chat?) to access brief counselling support if you ever need it.

We're sure others in this beautiful online community will have some amazing wisdom and experience to share with you too.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Dear Richardb3, Thank you for your post this morning. We...

Richardb3 — Sun, 28 Aug 2022 04:02:59 GMT

Hi Sophie,

Thanks for your response. Yes, I see a therapist about this.

I do not have many female friends, only some acquaintances.

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

Petal22 — Thu, 01 Sep 2022 11:51:54 GMT

Hi Richardb3,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand how hard it is when all we want is to find a significant other..

Sometimes waiting to meet that person can feel like a life time.

You will meet that special someone it just takes time sometimes.

Hang in there, what’s for you won’t pass you by.

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

Richardb3 — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 11:11:20 GMT

Thanks so much Petal22

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

ecomama — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 12:03:47 GMT

Hey Richardb3,

I'm alot older than you, I can just tell lol. But even my eldest daughter in her 30s said I was right about something... that happens every now and again lol...

She only said this week that the moment you get your life right on track, do things you love, get healthy, begin to really believe you don't need a partner to love life.....BAM it happens. You meet someone.

See the opposite can happen also.
When we are SO singular focussed on kind of "imposing our Will" on to someone else... well you could just meet "someone" but this person could also be totally wrong for you, do far more damage and cost you more than money eg precious mental health, years off of your life etc.

I see the keys to more happiness being:
Getting really into YOUR life.
Really thinking about ALL the fun things in life you'd like to do or learn how to do... kayaking? Art? Volunteering? IDK this list is yours!
Improving yourself in as many ways you want to; physically, mentally - happiness works wonders lol, career wise... the list is yours.

When you're out doing things YOU Love doing, there's far more chance of meeting others who are like minded, people you have things in common with.
Having shared interests is a solid basis for great friendships.

The book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" is a great read, outlining awesome life Principles we can easily live by and have a truly rewarding life.

Best wishes
EM

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

Richardb3 — Sat, 10 Sep 2022 06:27:35 GMT

Thanks ecomama for your helpful response

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

Richardb3 — Sun, 18 Sep 2022 22:40:34 GMT

Hi again,

The moderators told me to post this here for some reason.

I am wondering if there are any pros to being a 20 year old male. 20 year old men are not particularly attractive to women. I thought that being a 20 year old man was supposed to be some sort of amazing gift, and life would be great, but is clear (at least to me) that this is a lie. It is obvious that 20 year old women have far more fun.

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

tmas — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 09:04:11 GMT

Hi, 20yo woman here. I'm going to be honest, the only thing that will make a man (or any person) attractive to a potential partner (not hookup) is them being a healthy and stable person. Granted, many women (seems you're looking for women) aren't particularly healthy or stable, but that just means it is reasonable for you to not be attracted to them.

Envision what a person who you want to be with would want in you. If you want someone reliable, confident, self-possessed, emotionally available, mature and introspective, then ideally you would work to grow those qualities in yourself. I only ever wanted to be with someone who was a whole person and willing to be an individual who was separate to me but chose to share themselves as something extra. I wasn't able to get this until I did a lot of work in therapy to realise that amending my behaviour so that others would stay in my life was NOT a foundation for anything fulfilling. This isn't exclusive to men, I've had the same experience with a woman where both of us were insecure.

I feel that there isn't a good enough vocabulary for young men navigating loneliness. Obviously I'm not a young man, but I have empathy for young people whose cumulative experiences have led them to feel worthless. Society tells us that relationships are our goal, even if we fake it til we make it (oof) - increasingly women are told to be people before they are a couple, and I worry that men perhaps aren't given the vocab for this.

As for 20 being a golden year full of opportunity, it's all garbage and most 35 year olds will tell you they're just as confused as they were at 20, but (hopefully) just have a little more in the bank. Don't stress the age we're at being some sort of period of possibility - and 20 year old women that I know really aren't having more fun. Issues are always at play, regardless of what you're seeing, and I want to emphasise that thinking of women as separate from men is unproductive and harmful only to yourself. People are all equally complex, and it may seem like a dichotomy but women are lonely too, and you genuinely need to be compassionate with yourself, and hopefully someone similar will admire that in you and an attraction will ensue. Best of luck, if I find anything specifically for young men I might link!

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

Croix — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 12:28:20 GMT

Dear Richardb3~

I would think one of the reasons it was suggested you post about the attractions of the 20yo male is a set if things that might surprise you. I have read your previous posts and know how important it is for you to have a girlfriend

I would suggest that at 20 you are starting to reach the age where preconceived ideas could be questioned, that you had reached the stage were giving (no, not material things) can be understood as being as important as receiving and that you can accept being surprised. You can also start to see by looking around it is not the most physically attractive persons who are always the happiest

At slightly younger than you by a couple of years I was very lonely and would have given anything for a girlfriend. I was so lonely and left out. The problem in fact was I had a preconceived idea of what I wanted (which was very conventional) and the people I tried to attract, even when I succeeded in the short term did not work out. I thought that was because of me. That couple of years left me lonelier than before

Then I met someone who was doing a job that was most demanding, combining kindness with firmness and as a result had gained the respect of those she worked with. Actually, she was nothing like my preconceived idea of what I wanted, but I could see in her completely different qualities, deeper ones

I’d started to see people as they really were, not the gloss on the surface. I also started to see myself as I was, (helped by her) and was surprised at the things that were valued, honesty, reliability, kindness, fun - not looks.

Sure she ended up as my girlfriend, them my wife. Along the way I had got to see her character and how she was inside, she saw similar in me. Loneliness stopped on the spot

Please don’t see yourself under the label of a 20yo male. Please see the Stirling character traits you have inside you, and look inside others, not seeing them as ‘potential girlfriend’, but as whole people with traits you can see

It will work out. Sadly sometimes it requires a bit of patience, but even that can have an upside, others will see you do not blindly rush in.

Croix

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

geoff — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 14:25:52 GMT

Hello Richardb3, to be able to get a girlfriend is always thought to be an easy task, but in fact it's not quite, it's about starting to make a friend first and not all of a sudden expect that she will be your girlfriend, because the two of you have to enjoy the same activities in life, similar food, movies, books and liking each other as well as being able to support one another in good as well as bad times.

There could be girls who do want to be your girlfriend, but are too shy to approach you, but firstly how you are feeling needs to be addressed, and if you feel this way because you can't get someone, then it will eventually happen, but if you are depressed because of other issues, then you need seek help for this.

Can I suggest Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online with trained counsellors who adjust to who they are talking with.

Remember that if your friends have girl/boyfriends doesn't automatically mean that you should follow suit, straight away, try and let it happen as a friendship becomes much more appealing.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

Richardb3 — Sat, 05 Nov 2022 01:45:36 GMT

Thanks for your reponse tmas. One thing that I am very concerned about is my house (I still live at home.) It is very small and embarrassing and I think it will make finding a girlfriend a lot harder. I would love to move out but with rental prices and the fact that i am a full time university student it becomes very difficult.

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

ecomama — Sat, 05 Nov 2022 05:22:41 GMT

Hey Richard! How are you doing today?

You're most welcome. I really hope you get something out of what I wrote before.

I was pretty stunned about what you said about 20yo men. More surprised to see you write about 20yo women having a better time lol, oh dear.

I didn't realise you were only 20yo!
I have lots of kids, most adults now, some living at home, some not.
My multiple birth sons are all 20yo. I can answer any questions about how they're doing if you want to know?

Perhaps that's a thing you all have in common. Age.

It's not that being 20 is a magical time, LIFE, every single day! IS a magical time.

You're focussing on what you DON'T have constantly which is leading you further down the rabbit hole leading to depressive thoughts and more of that thinking and more down the rabbit hole to more circular thinking on and on... It's not helping.

Concentrating on what you DO HAVE with GRATITUDE will help full your cup!
If you keep on doing this relentlessly, SELF-CARE, working on yourself, bringing yourself UP to be happier, having more FUN in your life, you'll be a happier person all round and people will want to spend time with you more and more, on and on UPWARDS.

It's got nothing to do with the house you live in, what you look like, anything like that.
It's probably alot more to do with the sadness emanating from your being.

Happy people attract HAPPY PEOPLE.
If you see happy people, hang out with THEM.

It's time you set yourself a PICTURE of who you want to be.
Because you're creating that person NOW.

All we have is now and it's an AMAZING feeling to live a whole hearted life!

You've SO GOT THIS! Step it UP!

Love EM

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

Richardb3 — Sat, 05 Nov 2022 11:19:14 GMT

Hi ecomama,

Yes please let me know how your 20 year old sons are doing. Are they living at home? Also does it surprise you that I think 20 year old women in general have a better life than 20 year old men? I think they pretty obviously have a significant advantage in the dating game

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

tmas — Mon, 14 Nov 2022 04:32:55 GMT

Rental prices are ridiculous right now and I think you'll find that most uni students are in the same boat. If you are open with this fact I think most people will be understanding, and anyone worth your time won't be concerned with this. Is the fear that there won't be space or privacy should you invite someone over? Hopefully if you were honest with her, and didn't actively barre her from coming over for lunch or to meet people, you could negotiate maybe doing stays or overnights with her (if she's OK with that).

I watch a lot of videos about the mental health of young men (Kidology has some interesting takes that are quite nuanced imo) in modern society and the dating market, and I worry that young men feel particularly alienated - it makes sense, and I fear that it creates a self loathing in a lot of young men that can quickly become a hurdle that seems insurmountable. On top of that, our online culture is quick to shut down young men who maybe voice feeling shunned by society, or use... "particular terminology/labels" (anyone versed in the internet probably knows) to express this feeling of self-hatred, insecurity, and alienation. I think the answer is a maturity which comes with time and experience, experiences can't occur if we keep our gaze pointed inward. Love and relationships (not limerence or sexual attraction) necessitate regression - it can be triggering, cause us doubt and teach us what we fear... but also show us what we value, remind us what we like about ourselves as we observe the things we love and respect in another person. Remember that you have human value, not sexual value - unfortunately, I've found that most women are scared off by men specifically wanting 'the girlfriend experience'. Besides, the best relationships begin as friendships.

Re: How do I get a girlfriend

WHaze47 — Sun, 01 Jan 2023 06:28:31 GMT

Hi Richardb3!

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm a 19-year old and I understand how difficult it can be. Especially that we're at the stage of our lives where we're trying to figure everything out - how life works and who we genuinely are, and what path or paths we'd like to take. Society seems to emphasize that by 25 or at 30 we should have our lives figured out already through the means of having a life purpose, having stable job, owning your own car, home, or by being married. But that's far from the truth - everyone has their own timeline, everyone has their own journey; some make it to their 30s, 40s, 50s, and even 60s and that's okay. Getting a girlfriend will be tough . But maybe try joining clubs, and social events that interests you and maybe there you'll meet someone. After the encounter you can try and get to know her better and or befriend her to see how compatible you guys are. From witnessing family members and friends , relationships are complicated, since it is a bond or a union between two different people -(in terms of how they grew up, what they experienced....these things might be similar but not the same), there will be ups and downs and that's okay. I'm not saying this to dishearten you but Working on yourself, for yourself might help because we attract who we are. About depression, I'd like you to know that you are not alone and its great that you'd like to overcome this and do something about it. Identifying what's making you depress from what you are feeling is always a good start. Developing self-love, self- compassion, journaling, shifting your mindset and your internal monologue into a more compassionate and understanding one are some of the things that helped me through depression that might also help you.

I hope this helps,

You got this! 🙂

WHaze47