topic Re: Why do good people get treated the worst? in Young people

Why do good people get treated the worst?

Bee1998 — Tue, 05 Jul 2022 11:53:23 GMT

I am tired. I'm tired of being shat on by people. This has happened my entire life, and I can't figure out why. I am a GOOD person, and I am loyal, and have an extremely good heart, especially given all of the crap i've had to go through and deal with my whole life. It's like people can see that you're a good person, and they just suck all of the life from you, and break off the rest of the heart you have left in you, piece by piece, until there's nothing left of you as a person. Every time I let someone into my life, and show them the love I have to offer, they either abuse that, use me, hurt me, stab me in the back, betray me, or just piss off with no explanation (or all of the above). It makes me not want to be a good person anymore, because at the end of the day, what's the point when you keep getting broken down constantly?... I'm hurting. I'm tired. I'm close to being done. I am a strong person, and am grateful for how far I have come, and being able to live through all of the traumatic events I have had thrown upon me. But I am just over it.

Dear Bee1998, Thank you for finding the strength to post...

Sophie_M — Tue, 05 Jul 2022 17:54:21 GMT

Dear Bee1998,

Thank you for finding the strength to post about your hurt and pain in our forums. We are a very helpful and supportive community.

We understand that it really feels like everything in life is ganging up on you. As a nice person, how would the best support we could provide you look like?

We know that when we are feeling this way, it can help us to call someone to talk to who will not judge us. This is why we would like to encourage you to call:
BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636
Lifeline on 13 1114
Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800

If the feelings get really bad, please understand that this is an emergency and you need to call 000.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

That Other Guy — Tue, 05 Jul 2022 22:40:37 GMT

I'm old, 53. What I've learned is, if I am good, some people will take advantage but others will see it and become my friends. And no matter how bad other people are, I am determined to always do good. Not for them, for me. For who I want to be

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

livi_mivi — Wed, 06 Jul 2022 02:13:15 GMT

Hey Bee1998,

It’s such a hard think to have to experience and unfortunately there are people out there that will take advantage of the fact that you are a caring and kind person. I think there are many people out there that will respect and reciprocate your friendship and nature but it sometimes takes getting through all the people that aren’t like that to find “your people”. It’s so hard to want to keep trying to be the best person you can be the right people will come along and appreciate that. For now, I think it’s important to establish your boundaries from very early on to ensure that you aren’t going out of your way and doing things that you don’t want to do just to make people happy or to prove anything to them. I like the Other Guy’s response in regards to always do good for yourself and strive to be the best version of yourself, regardless of what other people think. When people know what you are willing to accept, the right ones will respect that. And those are the people you want in your life.

Wishing you all the best and just know that you have this forum behind you!

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

james1 — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 11:55:25 GMT

Hello Bee1998,

We've spoken previously and I am so sad to hear how hurt you feel. You are a strong person as you've said, and we are here to help you get through this pain right now. From our chat before, I understand if perhaps you don't want to revisit some of that again just yet, as it sounds like you've been used and hurt in a way that feels really unfair and like history repeating itself.

You won't be shat on by us here, and I hope you feel safe knowing that this is a forum of people who understand and care. When you feel up to it, please feel welcome to let us know how you are going.

James

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

tmas — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 02:53:09 GMT

I felt like this until I learned that I can choose who I give myself to. I had 'friends' with whom the relationship was entirely me supporting them, and them letting me down or allowing harm to befall me when I was in need. When I had a change of setting I was able to meet new people. I started a course in 2020 (covid happened and I continued to have weak friendships that gratefully didn't have time to develop before my uni went remote), I had one major relationship that ended how many tended to (I avoided my problems in favour of carrying theirs, only for them to ghost me). I spiralled near the end of that year, and after a fateful night in emergency I was recommended to psychotherapy (or talk therapy). I'm not telling you to get this type of therapy, just that grappling with your trauma is important. I learned a lot about myself. Not about my biology and skills, or even timelines of my history, but about how I see myself and have/haven't processed traumas. Knowing thyself is important. Not in relation to other people, or as a series of events and interpersonal relationships, but as an individual with whom you can be compassionate.

The upturn was slow but now I can genuinely say that the negative emotions are WAY less intense and not as constant. If you had told me that was possible after a lifetime of overwhelm, 5 hospitalisations, 6 years on medications, so many failed relationships... I would have not believed it. I have Friends now, and a partner. I try to set boundaries with family, and boundaries with the 'friends' (they lost interest and I have no regret for this). When my friends are struggling, I help them now without feeling like I'm chipping away at my wellbeing. I do it because I care, and because I feel I have something to offer in my healing. Set boundaries where you can, where it is safe to. Seek professional advice in doing this if needed. Know yourself, care for your physical health too. Learned "selflessness" (appeasing others to your detriment, investing yourself where it isn't reciprocated) is a trauma response. I thought this made me a good person, but it was my pain. Know yourself and know what you deserve, work on secure attachments, aim for post-traumatic growth in the long term. Because the term is oh so long 🙂

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

Bee1998 — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 05:32:46 GMT

Thank you everyone for your replies and great feedback/input, I really appreciate having people listen and reach out, it means a lot to me.

I am just really struggling mentally due to my relationship currently. My partner lacks emotional support and understanding, and any time I try to bring up an issue, or resolve disagreements, he is extremely condescending and rude, and can't ever admit fault or apologise.

Two weekends ago, he and I had plans for Saturday night, which he ditched to go out with his mates instead. I was an emotional wreck that weekend, and began feeling suicidal . This has happened in the past too, where my partner has abandoned me to go out clubbing and drinking with his mates, knowing that I'm not doing well emotionally (for example when my best friend died). Instead of being there for me, he left me alone and went out with his mates.

Hi Bee1998, Thank you for sharing what's been going on h...

Sophie_M — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 05:56:57 GMT

Hi Bee1998,

Thank you for sharing what's been going on here. As you've mentioned in your post, and as the support of your friends here shows, this community is listening.

We hope it's ok a member of our team will be reaching out to you privately to check in. If you wanted to reach us directly, our lovely counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and online, and if you ever feel unsafe or unable to act on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000.

Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave step, and you never know who might be reading this and feeling less alone because of it.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hi Bee1998, Thank you for sharing what's been going on h...

ecomama — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 06:30:51 GMT

Hey Bee1998,

In answer to your question: "Why do good people get treated the worst?"

Boundaries.
Our low boundaries or none at all.

I am not saying it's your fault, not at all!
Although we all have the responsibility to guard ourselves, what we own, everything about us. It's all on each individual.

In 2016 I attended an awesome Course for women trying to escape DV. It was gobsmacking, learning about all of it including BOUNDARIES. (Also shocking were the techniques that abusers / toxic ppl use to manipulate).

I've been working on this ever since with my Counsellor, boundaries not toxicity lol). It's truly an ongoing process, so much to learn. I slip up regularly without even realising it! My Counsellor is awesome at stating this to me now.

One quote comes to mind, "we judge other people's actions by our OWN intentions" Stephen Covey. This being a mistake we make.

Most importantly WELCOME to the forums Bee, it's so lovely to have you here.

Love EM

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

tmas — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 13:03:34 GMT

I feel you probably know this already, but that’s not a relationship. Even if you’ve never had a relationship without that kind of unreliability, it isn’t something you should anticipate.

Of course it’s up to you how you handle that, but do you have someone you can be with for safety? Ending relationships, even if for the better, can be very difficult and emotionally distressing, particularly for people (like me previously, and I suspect you) who feel obligated to these people or guilty often without cause. I would recommend “doing the selfish thing”, it’s the first step to realising taking care of yourself isn’t selfish at all.

It helped for me to know where this behaviour came from, and what was at the route of it. His behaviour isn’t acceptable, and his presence can be changed, but what are you feeling when he does these things? How do you feel in the relationship and what was the first time you can remember feeling that dynamic? He’s ACTUALLY doing the selfish thing, and his dismissive behaviour thrives off of anxious attachment. You really don’t have to put up with it. But again, you probably know that, regardless of whether you believe you deserve better. You deserve better, objectively.

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

Bee1998 — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 23:27:03 GMT

I found out from my partner last night, that just after we had broken up (this was around 6 months ago- we are back together now), that he was talking to my best friend (and also longest friend I have ever had) about me and our relationship, and even hung out with him one on one. Now, what makes this such a snake move on his behalf is, that he was never friends with this person, and never really liked him or even spoke to him, so I found it extremely weird and also backstabbing that he did this. The other thing that makes this so questionable is, the fact that around the same time, when I tried to reach out to my supposed friend at the time, he was extremely nasty and cold towards me, which resulted in our friendship ending. My partner even told me that my friend was being supportive of him, and was there for him. At the time I was so confused and had no idea why he was so horrible to me, but now I'm starting to think it's because my partner potentially said cruel things about me to make him hate me. This certainly doesn't excuse how my 'friend' treated me though, and I do not regret cutting him out of my life. I just feel what my partner did was very evil and unnecessary.. after all, he has his own friends who he could have reached out to. I think I have begun to lose all of my feelings for him.

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

livi_mivi — Thu, 14 Jul 2022 03:18:06 GMT

Hey Bee1998,

I am incredibly sorry to hear this, along with what you have mentioned in your previous post. It sounds as though your partner is not treating you in an acceptable and loving way, disregarding your needs and disrespecting you. I'm sure it would've been extremely difficult to think that these interactions between your partner and best friend may have been the cause of your strained friendship, especially after not knowing why your friend acted in the way that he did for so long. I agree that this further validates the absence of this friend from your life.

I'm sure you are hurting immensely right now and I hope that whatever decision you make about the future of your relationship brings you happiness and peace in the long run. You have my support and the support of many others on the forums! Take care x

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

james1 — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 08:59:43 GMT

Hello Bee1998,

I'm sorry to hear you feel so betrayed by him and your old friend. That can be really hurtful when people you think are there for you, and should be there for you, do these kinds of things that really undermine any trust you have.

Let us know how you go - we will be here for you.

James

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

ecomama — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 13:14:15 GMT

Hey Bee

What you described in your last post paints a picture of an abuser attempting (and succeeding!) to socially isolate you from your friends.

You can Google search "triangulation". It's a technique that abusers use knowingly, or instinctively for their abusive personality types, to get close to someone close to their "victim" and use them for information, whereabouts, etc etc.
These people close to the victim, being used, are called minions in some info. Other sites may call them "Flying monkeys".

It's very hard to forgive the minions when this happens. You could feel betrayed because basically you were!
Keep in mind that abusers can be extremely manipulative and persuasive personality types.

When you wrote "I think I have begun to lose all of my feelings for him."
Were you referring to your partner or past friend?
I take it, your partner?

I think your gut instincts are cutting in to save you.

Knowing this info is very important for you.
The fact you described the actions of your partner as "evil and unnecessary" also points to him being very opposite to you on a deep level.
These types don't see it this way at all!
They see their own actions as totally fine, acceptable, necessary and quite clever.
It's cunning not clever.

And like a light switch, your feeling can switch off.

You may wish to search other terms like "gaslighting", "blame shifting" and "rug sweeping".
Once you understand these terms, you may see bf displaying them on the regular.

Trust your instincts. They're spot on.

Thanks for popping back, it's good to keep posting and great you're letting us know how you're doing too.

Bestest wishes
EM

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

Bee1998 — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 07:13:23 GMT

So, I finally reached breaking point and had had enough. I broke up with my partner a week ago.

This is what happened the prior weekend- I went to a house party with him, and as soon as we arrived, I had an off feeling about the environment and the people there (who I didn't know). I expressed my discomfort to my partner, and he disregarded how I was feeling, and said, "You'll be fine. Just have another drink." So, I stayed for an hour to an hour and a half, before I really had had enough. I approached my partner again and told him that I felt really uncomfortable and wanted to go home. He had no intentions of leaving with me, even though we went there together and the plan was for him to come back to mine to stay the night. So, I asked my mum to pick me up, which she agreed to. My partner took me outside (out the to the front of the street) and was trying to convince me to stay. I refused, and told him my mum was on her way to get me. We had a small argument, because I was upset that he wasn't coming with me. He walked back inside and left me out in the dark (in this suburb I was foreign to). I walked over to a park bench and waited there for my mum to get me (30 minutes). I realised my house key was in my partner's car, which I needed to be able to get into the house. I called him, no answer. I called two more times, no answer. Nice....... so, not only had he left me outside in the cold ON MY OWN, but now he was ignoring my calls. Mum eventually arrived, and I went and stayed the night with her at her place. I didn't once receive a message from my partner the rest of the night. The next day (Sunday), I still heard nothing from him..... 2pm came round, and I was on Instagram. My gut feeling was telling me something, so I decided to go onto his profile. I immediately noticed he had followed the girls who were at the party (who were all single of course). I clicked on their profiles, and had a peak at their stories, when I saw photos of my partner sitting with them on the couch , and out for brunch with them. Turns out he had stayed the night with these single trashy girls, and even had gone out with them the next day, MEANWHILE didn't once check up on me to see if I had gotten home safe, or even just to talk the next day. I felt sick to my stomach. As soon as I saw the photos of him with these girls, my heart was beating a million miles a second, and my gut just knew that he had been unfaithful.

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

ecomama — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 08:11:07 GMT

Oh Cheeses Bee! I am SO SORRY you had to go through ALL that!

How downright awful for you, you sweet thing!

I was tensing up at the thought of you standing outside by yourself, waiting for your mum. Alone! In the dark! in a strange neighbourhood.... eeek.

I don't want to say too much because you might get back together.

But I will.
What a dirtbag.

How dare he treat you like that.
Yuck! Him doing all that thinking you would never find out.
Grrrrr.

You did. Smart girl.

I am SO glad you followed your instincts that night and leaving.
THIS means you now have a very clear picture of this person indeed.
And not a moment too early.

Pre-warning: he's gonna lie about it.

This saying is one of my faves: "I thought I married my Knight in Shining Armour, but he was really just an idiot in tin foil". Maybe that won't get past admin lol. Maybe it will!

Bee you have SO MUCH going for you. Intelligence is one mighty thing you have in scores.

ONwards and UPwards from here and you're allowed to cry too,
Love EMxxxx

Dear Bee1998 Thank you for having the courage to share...

Sophie_M — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 08:54:02 GMT

Dear Bee1998

Thank you for having the courage to share your experience and for posting this evening; it’s great to see that you continue to reach out and know that this is a safe space to do so.

It sounds as if you have had a very difficult week; and we imagine you will be feeling very betrayed and also heartbroken being treated in this way by the one person who should be standing by your side, treating you with the kindness and respect you deserve.

When a relationship comes to an end, particularly when cheating is involved, it can be a difficult time to navigate. It’s important to make time for yourself, reaching out to trusted family members or friends to talk about how you are feeling. Another good strategy might be to distract yourself by keeping busy with activities that bring you comfort. As ecomama mentions, you are a smart girl and have been courageous in making the decision to end the relationship and whilst you are still hurting, please know it takes times and it’s going to be ok, the following resources might help you to find some ways to move forward in the meantime.

Reachout; relationship loss after cheating

Headspace; dealing with a relationship breakup

As we mentioned, its good to see that you feel you can reach out and as you know, we are always here for you, you can also call us on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat anytime.

Thank you again for posting this evening, we hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

Regards

Sophie M

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

Bee1998 — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 22:17:47 GMT

Thank you Em and Sophie 💜💜💜

Re: Why do good people get treated the worst?

james1 — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 01:29:46 GMT

Hey Bee1998,

I'm so sorry to hear about the house party. That sounds like such a betrayal, and really just the culmination of everything you've been suspecting and him denying.

Good on you for taking a stance and putting yourself first. You deserve to be treated with respect, and this relationship gave you none of that.

Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are going, if you feel up to it. We're here for you.

James