topic Constant third wheel in Young people

Constant third wheel

Frankie_P — Fri, 22 Jun 2018 12:50:19 GMT

Hi,

I am in high school and I do have quite a lot of friends throughout my year but recently I have been feeling very down. I am with this one group of girls and I constantly feel like a third wheel when I am with them. I used to be really close to these two girls who are best friends but while 1/3 of the time it was fun, 2/3s of the time I was feeling left out. Their friendship is also quite toxic so sometimes they'd be in the middle of a fight and because they couldn't talk to each other they'd talk to me, which was great, but when they were friends again I'd go back to being ignored. I do have other friends outside of my group but wherever I look everyone always seems to have a best friend, and Ive always been able to get on with these girls individually but as soon as they're in their pairs I feel left out. It's just simple things that make me feel so inferior; people blocking me off, someone mentioning something I'm not invited to... Maybe I am just sensitive?

Anyway, every time this seems to happen I stoop into this mood where I don't feel like talking to anyone and then it just becomes a cycle because I guess my friends think that i am mad at them or that I'm in a bad mood so they don't talk to me either. I guess I should try harder or tell them how I am feeling but I just can't help feeling a strong sense of resent, I feel it almost all the time now. I feel resent at my friend's happiness, accomplishments, recognition. I feel angry when they copy my style or when they pursue things I am passionate about or even when they laugh at a joke I don't know about.

Please help, I don't know what to do. Surely these feelings aren't normal.

Constant third wheel

Croix — Fri, 22 Jun 2018 13:29:34 GMT

Dear Frankie Price~

I'm glad you came here, because you can get other peoples's ideas, you are not limited just to your own experiences.

You asked if your feelings of being a third wheel and resentment are normal. Yes I guess they are. There have been many times when I've been at school when I've felt that way. Because my parents moved around I went to a lot of different schools, so there was no one I grew up with . As a result I tended to be on the outside, not part of the crowd. Like you I found when one-to-one things were OK, but when they were in a group it was different.

It was a short step from there to feel they should have kept on being as friendly, not switch attention to others, and that in turn led to my resenting their behavior. Being excluded is not nice.

At school kids do tend to group, and spend a lot of time making sure their position in the group is secure. I doubt they would see it that way, but that's what happens. As a result people on the outside get ignored - unless like when there is a quarrel there is an advantage in using them.

Basically this is cruel, as it hurts the person concerned. Unfortunately these people are acquaintances - not friends. Friends are few and far between. It takes a while to tell which a person is.

I found competing to get in the group was a waste of time, it never seemed to work long term. Being reasonably friendly and leaving it at that worked out best. I ended up with a person or so at each school I counted a real friend, but sadly I had to leave them behind when I moved.

Having moods is OK, and real friends will ask what is wrong because they care, and will make allowances.

There is an up-side. You are quite sensitive, which is good. That sensitivity will make you into a good friend for some, and will also allow you to appreciate their good qualities - and they will appreciate yours.

If there is no one close at the moment hang in there, it will happen.

Croix

Constant third wheel

blueskye — Fri, 22 Jun 2018 13:38:32 GMT

Hi Frankie Price,

Welcome to beyondblue!!! 🙂

From your post, it sounds like you're not having a great time with your friends.

Your feelings are completely normal. I've been through that stage before in high school where I felt like an outsider, even though I had "friends". From someone that has experienced the same thing, I recommend you to get to know your friends outside your current group. I stuck around in my toxic friend group in high school years, and I REGRET it. I tried so hard for them to like me but I was never considered "in". I would have had a more enjoyable high school experience if I had better friends.

Hope it works out for you xx

Constant third wheel

Frankie_P — Sun, 24 Jun 2018 08:21:45 GMT

Thank you, that really helps x