topic First true love, first break up, I feel deranged. in Young people

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

mydailytroubles — Fri, 11 May 2018 09:48:18 GMT

Hi all, so I'm a guy and I feel like I can't express my feelings or anyone to my mates because they'll think I am weak, I have only spoken about this with one very close friend. So I am resorting to the forums for help.

I had my first real relationship with someone, she was from Europe, she is 18 and I am 19, and she was studying at a university for 6 months. I met her on the first day out of sheer luck and wanted to get to know her more because I have always wanted to live in her country (and still do now).

Fast forward 6 months, we have been pretty much head over heels for one another, we were each others first everything, being physical, intimacy, sex, love. She really loved me, she told me her parents never showed their love to her much because she was the middle child, but my love for her was gradually making her a better person, as months went on, she would be more expressive towards me. Love hit me like a train, I felt like she was my soulmate, the kind of love that you can feel circulating through your veins every time you were with eachother. We broke up because of distance, we tried to get it work, I flew to Europe 3 months ago, for a month. I can only visit her about 2 or 3 times a year..for a month each. She wanted to break it up because she felt too much pain, it was her choice, but she would like for us to be back together again when I decide to graduate in 3-5 years and move to her country. She wanted us to stay best friends for now, and only time will tell

here is where I need help;

I loved her so much. Am I crazy to generally feel that even though we haven't been together for even a year, I would do anything for her? That's not expression. Literally. This is not normal, most people..especially guys, don't feel this way. If she had a car accident, or something happened to her and she was mentally disabled, I would still love her so much. Once I got attached that's it, it's either ride or die, If I couldn't see her for a year, I wouldn't care, I would stay loyal. That's how hard I fell

I'm just an 18 year old guy, who has been crying constantly for these past few days, I can't control my emotions, I can't go outside or I'll just break.

Because I know we have an opportunity left, we broke up not because of hatred but because it isn't our time yet. So I all can think about is what can I do for us to have a better future so I can love her forever. It's not logical to give up on something when there's still so much opportunity left.

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

Birdy77 — Fri, 11 May 2018 23:56:52 GMT

Hello mydailytroubles 😊

I am glad you have reached out to express your feelings here. It's a shame that you feel you can't talk to your mates for fear of seeming weak. I hope that that is a stigma that is changing, because guys have just as intense emotions as girls, and it's not healthy to not be able to express this and talk about your feelings.

You might be surprised actually if you tried talking with a close friend, it just might feel ok. I've been chatting to some men here who have been pleasantly surprised when they've opened up to their mates, and found understanding and support.

Regardless, we'll always listen and support you here.

It sounds like you are very much in love ... I personally don't see a problem with being loyal to each other, long distance relationships can be very challenging , but by no means impossible.

Does she just think it's too hard?

Again, very glad you've reached out here. It's ok to cry, we will lend you a shoulder to cry on and some gentle understanding and compassion.

🌻birdy

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

mydailytroubles — Sat, 12 May 2018 00:37:49 GMT

Thank you so much for your kind post. I have been discussing this with some friends, and also just trying to think clearly more alone, there are still problems I need help with to solve;

She does think it's too hard, she told me this morning that she find's it difficult to love me or feel the same when we are countries away. When we are together, it's good, but when I leave it's hard. However, love is timeless. Distance means nothing if it is true love. I told her I want to stay best friends with her, but I will still also continue to love her for as long as I can, even if she finds someone else, unless It's possible for me to find someone else before her.

However I think she has trouble feeling the same way because while I have lots of hope for us and the future, (because of the reason we broke up) she has little. Is she being just realistic? pessimistic? I don't know. So I think I have finally come to the conclusion that what she has experienced with me, is not true love, or at least my love for her is unfortunately on a different level than hers.

Now because of this, I feel like I pay the consequences, this is something I thought girls would have a problem with, not guys. Because statistically speaking, guys cheat more and girls always get more heart broken, so it makes sense that girls would value love more than guys, but I must be wrong because it is the other way around for me.

I still have hope for us, I just don't know why would someone put so much effort into a relationship, say they love you, do all these things they have never done before with someone after so much thought of making the right decision, talking about children in the possible future, and then give up just because things get a little complicated? If you really love someone you would continue to find, or at least try to bend the rules to make it easier if the situation really is out of your control.Right?

I just can't get my head around this, it makes me too afraid to ever want to be in a relationship again if all I will do is fall for a girl harder than most guys once I get signs she says really loves me, and then in return it causes me to roll the dice and hope for the best because it might not be true.

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

quirkywords — Sat, 12 May 2018 03:55:34 GMT

Mydailytroubles.

Welcome to the forum. From reading your two posts I see you as a very mature and sensitive young man.

So you know relationships are hard enough let alone a long distance relations in the same country leat alone an overseas one.

Your friend is finding it hard but you are assuming a lot more about her feelings and then about how other women may treat you in the future.

Have you thought that now she is home she feels different and can't see into the future. It may not be about how much she loves you. These are just ideas and they may not be helpful.

Thanks for being so open and honest. First Love is wonderful but also can be so complicated and sad. First love can last forever and we always hope it will but it does not always and will lead to disappointment.

Many women like a man like you who is so devoted and passionate as they are desirable qualities.

At the moment you feel so vulnerable and raw but things will probably change with time .

Quirky

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

mydailytroubles — Sat, 12 May 2018 07:03:23 GMT

Thank you Quirky for your consideration on both sides.

Have you thought that now she is home she feels different and can't see into the future. It may not be about how much she loves you. These are just ideas and they may not be helpful.

I sort of understand where you are coming from, however it is still difficult for me to rationalise how that affects her love for me? do I have to try and prove something to her to help her overcome that? I am already planning to visit her again this November, for 1-2 months. In fact, I will be visiting her country at least twice a year for a month each, I know it's not much, but she still says she wants to see me lots, and still sleep over etc. Do you think this is a good way to try and prove to her I am genuine? or even to just simply keep our companionship always boosted for the next few years?

This is why I still have hope for us, because if your first love can possibly last forever like you said, then every time I visit her I am always going to refresh her memory of what we had in the past, and thus keeping us closer?

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

quirkywords — Sat, 12 May 2018 07:47:28 GMT

Thanks Mydailytroubles for your reply,

I don't think you need to prove anything to her, she obviously cares and wants to keep seeing you.

Maybe she is confused ,everyone reacts differently to being apart and maybe she is worrying about what will happen.

of course you should have hope . Do you know anyone who is in a long distance relationship like you, maybe you could talk about it. Or maybe someone may reply here and help you.

Quirky

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

Birdy77 — Sun, 13 May 2018 23:56:35 GMT

Hello mydailytroubles,

I agree with Quirky, you do not have to prove anything to your friend. It sounds like you have definitely made your feelings and devotion clear to her, and to travel to her country to be with her is showing her how much you love her.

You may be right when you say your feelings for her may be on a different level to hers. But this does not reflect on you as a person, and does not predict what it might be like for you in future relationships. You said that usually girls feel love more strongly than guys, but i don't think this is true at all. Some girls may show emotions more outwardly than some guys, but that is not what's going on inside, so don't feel like you are strange or unusual in any way.

November is a long way away, do you think you could just see how things go between you between now and then?

Young love and especially First Love can be very intense ... and yes it can possibly last a lifetime, but not necessarily so. You are also still working out who you both are and developing as young adults and as time goes by, feelings can change.

Please feel free to talk as much as you like here, we will always listen and support you here.

🌻birdy

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

mydailytroubles — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 08:49:40 GMT

Hi Birdy, It's been about one month since your reply, I hope it's understandable that I have been trying to use this past month to think more clearly, and I will say that I do feel a bit better now. However, I still have really strong feelings for her. I've discussed it with her and she says she doesn't love me anymore, and she only sees me as a friend. I could be wrong, but I think I know her well enough to know that I think deep down she still does love me a bit, she's just protecting herself because of our distance problem.

Now here's a few things that have been worrying me and I'm going to presume your a woman, which is helpful, without sounding sexist but I think a woman would know better on what I am about to say.

We still talk every day, face time about once or twice a week. She even told me that she went to a party and all her friends had fun with guys but she didn't kiss or do anything with anyone. That doesn't mean anything obviously, but the fact that she told me this has got me thinking why would she say that? so I assume she still has feelings for me. Which is good.

She has told me that she still wants sex, although she's not sure maybe she might change her mind in the months to come (almost 4 months left until I see her), however, we always talk about it, and I know she enjoys talking about it, I think shes just trying to hold back a bit so she doesn't seem to keen if you know what I mean.

Now.. here's where it gets tricky..she says she doesn't love me however she still talks about wanting to sleep over at my house when I arrive, she still wants to watch movies together, cuddle, spend lots of days outside and have sex. So I don't know what to think. (Remember this is the girl that lost her virginity to me) Maybe she doesn't love me right now but if she's willing to do all those things...surely there's hope for us if this continues for a long time to come right?

Also...I'm a little scared. I want to have sex with her however I'm afraid of being attached again..which I know will probably happen, but the reason why I think it's important is because we both still have some hope for a future one day when I move there...so I feel like if I continue seeing her every year, and we have sex, our connection will always be strong...think of it like a tactic in order to keep us close to prepare for the future, so when I do move there, we will still have feelings and love eachother again..If everything goes right. I am not sure, what do you think?

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

Birdy77 — Sat, 23 Jun 2018 00:06:03 GMT

Hello mydailytroubles,

I think it's good that you feel you can come back here when you feel like butting things out, even just writing down your feelings may help to clarify things for you.

It's hard to know what might be going on on her head and heart, but it seems clear that she still has loving feelings towards you, though they may be more feelings of friendship and comfort than romantic love, I do not know, it sounds like may be she isn't even clear on this.

All I can suggest is that you take it as it comes, and see how your feelings pan out a bit closer to November. But that is only if you are happy in this arrangement. If you start to feel frustrated, or to want the freedom to move on with your life, that is going to be a different story, one where you will need to have a talk, and be a little clearer about where you stand with her.

What you said about becoming attached again due to sleeping together is very valid. I know people engage in all different sorts of relationships, and that's ok if both/all parties agree on everything and are on the same page so to speak. However, it can be unfair if one person wants the convenience of intimacy on demand in a friendship and the other person feels the intimacy in a different, romantic, special way.

In your case, I think there is the very real chance of this happening, of you being used in a way (I am not saying anything against your friend here) and maybe being strung along? Imagine how you might feel if you did carry on sleeping with her and then she decides to start a relationship with someone else, I think you'd be very hurt.

I am just concerned for you, and the possibilities of further heartbreak if you continue down this road of seemingly being in a relationship for all intents and purposes, but not "officially" being together.

What do you think?

🌻birdy

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

mydailytroubles — Fri, 29 Jun 2018 08:34:54 GMT

Hi birdy! thank you so much for your response, honestly you must really love helping people out like this deep down in your heart which is a wonderful thing and I am truly appreciative of your help and guidance.

So I discussed this with her, and I told her does she want sex as just a friend thing, or does she want to 'make love', and for it to always be romantic and genuine? and she says she wants the second option. So therefore, I think it's safe to say she still has feelings for me. I don't know if this means anything but she used birth control at the time we had sex together so it was unprotected...and considering we were each others first time, I feel like its genuinely really special because it's rare for that to happen, and she says she loves and misses it a lot.

I think I'm going to continue to try and keep giving my kind and generous love to her, however not be attached too much or anything, and if we continue to be successful together how we are, both still single and its been a couple of years, maybe then she will realise that I really am special and worth keeping forever (or maybe she does now and she's just good at hiding it, I don't know) what do you think about all of this?

Thanks once again!

First true love, first break up, I feel deranged.

Birdy77 — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 11:48:47 GMT

Hello mydailytroubles 😊

I think that as long as you both are comfortable and happy with the situation, it's ok.

It sort of sounds like she still wants to be with you if she answered your question like that.

What worries me is that it is easy to say you will continue like this but not become too attached ... but you already love her, so I am worried it will be a confusing ordeal and that your heart will be hurt down the track if she decides to start a relationship with somebody else. What do you think about this?

Love makes us very vulnerable. Love well and with gusto, but do protect your heart when you can, and if it ever starts to feel wrong, that is the time to reassess, my friend.

🌻birdy