topic Help I am scared of my own dad in Young people

Help I am scared of my own dad

juliap — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 13:13:52 GMT

So I live with both my mum and dad and my dad constantly belittles me. He does this by screaming/yelling swear words and put downs at me.

This happens everyday.

For me school is an escape and I love it however whenever I return home it’s like my mood instantly changes when I have to greet my dad.

it has gotten to the point where he now threatens to become physical with me and while this only happens when he is tired and not everyday I am genuinely scared of him.

My mum does try to tell him to stop and calm down however he always either just walks out or “apologises” and repeats the exact same thing the next night.

i think he needs help but at the moment I am more worried about the damage he is doing to me.

i just want to live a normal happy life like the one I live at school.

I don’t know what to do and if this is serious enough to do something about because he has never really hit me before apart from pushing me a few times a while ago when we were fighting.

sometimes it even gets in the way of my schoolwork because he will not leave me alone so I choose to not do homework and just go to bed.

i don’t know who to tell and how because he is nice on the outside.

Please. Help.

Help I am scared of my own dad

Croix — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 14:31:10 GMT

Dear Juliap~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, posting was a good move as you sound frightened and stuck. Being threatened with violence by anyone is just not on, does not matter if it is your dad or anyone else. I know you said your mum tries to calm things down but the is no sort of solution. Plus it may be she is frightened too.

Have you talked to her about this? If so what does she think, not only about the threats but the shouting, swearing and put-downs too?

Apart from your mum is there anyone else in your family who you can talk to that will understand?

I'm very glad you have found school as a retreat and enjoy it. It would be so hard if it was not there as a refuge. Have you thought about telling a teacher you get on with, or a school councilor? The fact that your dad seems nice to others should not put you off. Many people seem that way but are a right mess inside, it is not that unusual.

It will probably take someone outside the family to make things better, if you don't want to approach anyone at school I'd suggest you ring the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) and let them know what is happening.

Going to tell someone else is not easy, but I would expect anyone you do talk to will try very hard to make it as easy for you as possible.

We really would like it if you let us know how you are getting on

Croix

Help I am scared of my own dad

geoff — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 16:44:38 GMT

Hello Juliap, and a warm w3elcome to you.

I understand what you have said and it must be rather frightening for you, not knowing what he may do next, that can be scary and I feel sorry for you.

I would do as Croix suggested contact the Kids Helpline because this is abuse, doesn't matter whether it's physical or emotional both are detrimental for your self esteem and certainly confidence.

Perhaps you could tell him that if he touches you again then he will be reported to the authorities.

Whether or not he does need help maybe so, but you have written the post so we have to respond back to you and your safety is our priority.

Protect yourself by discussing this with your mum as you probably have already but also let your teacher know and these are other people to contact:

-1800 Respect 1800 737 732

-Australian Childhood Foundation 1800 176 453

please don't be afraid to ring any or all of these people, they handle children/kids with issues.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Help I am scared of my own dad

Vero — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 20:46:29 GMT

Hi Juliap,

not an easy situation. Belittling is seriously out of place. Your loyalty to your family may have prevented you from using help line to date. I am guessing, as I believe kids helpline is advertised so frequently it would be hard to miss. If you chose not to use it, see if my story helps.

my father related to me as a “zero, cretin, idiot” for a long time. One day I had enough and said to him “dad, thank you. I get it I am a zero, cretin and an idiot. I will remember this so you don’t have to repeat it anymore.” He was speechless and never belittled me again. Years of abuse had effect on me and later on I had to see psychologist.

if you have a school councillor, it maybe good to talk to this person.

Help I am scared of my own dad

Doolhof — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 21:11:32 GMT

Hi Juliap,

I too welcome you to the community here. I am so very sorry that your Dad treats you the way he does. It seems to me it is your Dad's issue and not yours.

I hope you do have the courage to speak out and ask someone for help and advice as Croix and Geoff have mentioned. There are support services you can call or speak to someone at school.

Vero has also made a good point. Maybe you could politely tell your Dad that you do not wish to hear what he has to say any longer unless he can say something nice.

Or you could tell him he has the right to think what he likes but his words are not the truth. Hopefully you know that what your Dad says is not who you really are. They are just his horrible words not the truth.

Is it possible for you to do your homework in your bedroom? Would it be possible even once or twice a week to go to a library and do your homework away from your Dad?

If you don't mind me asking, do you have brothers or sisters, if so how does your Dad treat them?

We can support you here and try to encourage you. It does seem like you need someone else besides your Mum on your side there.

Wishing you all the best in finding help and support there. Cheers from Dools

Help I am scared of my own dad

Sophie_M — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 01:45:30 GMT

Hi Juliap,

The community have provided you some extremely useful, caring and important advice and we strongly urge that you call one of the helplines provided.

We're writing to you as we are worried about you and want you to know that it is never okay to be in the situation that you find yourself in - regardless of who the person might be. Nobody should ever make you feel unsafe.

Our Support Service are trying to contact you via email and we just wanted to let you know that they are there to help.

Please write back to us when you feel you are ready, we are all here for you.

Help I am scared of my own dad

juliap — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 12:59:45 GMT

Hello Doolhof,

Thank you so much for giving up your time to offer your advice- it is very much appreciated.

To answer your questions I have 3 other siblings however they are not targeted by him as I am. He does get angry with them of course but not to the extent that I am and he doesn’t belittle them either. I don’t know why he targets me, maybe because I try to defend myself which in turn makes him angrier, I’m not sure.

I try my best to be away from home and spend most nights either out doing my extra activities such as sports/music lessons as well as going to the school library however I eventually have to come home.

Thankyou again it means a lot

Help I am scared of my own dad

juliap — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 13:02:36 GMT

Hello Vero,

I cannot thank you enough for giving up your time to message me- it means a huge deal.

i am going to try your advice out as it resonates deeply with me- hopefully he might understand the concequences of his actions, maybe.

thank you again

Help I am scared of my own dad

juliap — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 13:10:11 GMT

Hello Croix,

Thank you. You answering means a huge lot to me and is more then I could ever had imagined.

As to why I haven’t contacted my school- At school as my dad likes to say I am a different (“fake”) person. I’m happy and do well. Lots of people know and like me. School is like my escape and time away from family. I don’t know how I would be able to deal with my family issues infiltrating my school life. I think it would be unbearable.

thank you though for your advice, if I get the courage I might seek help at school but as previously stated I’m not comfortable with that at the moment.

I have talked to my mum. She knows that what he is doing isn’t normal. She tells me that he isn’t in the right headspace at the moment and that I need to just do what he says and we will all be happier. My siblings don’t like to talk about it.

thank you

Help I am scared of my own dad

juliap — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 13:14:23 GMT

Hello Geoff,

thank you for helping me. It means so much and I cannot thank you enough.

I will try take on your advice however usually in the heat of our arguments he just brushed off whatever I say. For example if I say “you are verbally abusing me” he will just say that he isn’t and continue to get in my face and belittle me.

thank you though it really means a lot

Help I am scared of my own dad

geoff — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 16:06:55 GMT

Hello Juliap, thanks so much for getting back to us, this means a lot to all of us because it's a situation where you obviously seem to be 'out of favour' with your dad.

We would really like you to stay in contact with us because of what's been happening.

Geoff.

Help I am scared of my own dad

Vero — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 23:37:29 GMT

Juliap

90% of communication in non verbal. Your avoidance of conflict and confrontation with your dad maybe interpreted by him as you are ignoring him. This maybe the red button that gets pressed for him and escalates the situation.

When you ask him not to abuse you, he may interpret it as disrespectful and don’t forget nobody wants to appear wrong. He already may feel humiliated as was made to apologise to you. You are on the right, but proving he is wrong may create polarisation and win -loose situation that is at the end loss to everyone involved. Wright and wrong dynamics involve pointing the finger, humiliation, resentment and punishment. It brings a risk of winning a battle and loosing the war. Something that is very difficult to live with in a family relationship and that is why diplomacy is used in politics.

He maybe scared he is loosing you, he does not know you anymore, you are growing up or maybe he is annoyed at you not participating at home as he would expected. Man are generally not as fluent and open communicators as woman.

Calling on past good times together maybe helpful to reassure him. Paradoxically spending time with him maybe the thing you both need. What your mum thinks?

You are very bright and intelligent but trying to resolve it by yourself is a huge task. Not bc you lack the abilities but bc what you don’t know about his experiences, triggers and emotional state. Involving your Mum in trying to come up with a strategy to de-escalate this would be to advantage of all in the household.

Cooking dinner, baking a cake, games time, putting together a power point with pics of best times together and emailing it to him, putting together a poster of happy times, making a card to remind him you love him, texting him, watching your both favourite movie, etc, etc.

Help I am scared of my own dad

Croix — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 13:44:04 GMT

Dear Juliap~

I'm very pleased you have come back and talked to us, we do worry at times so it is reassuring. Also it's pretty good you have discussed the matter with your mum, it sounds like she is stuck and has a lot to put up with too. I'm not sure her method will improve things long term, but at least you have each other. I'd suspect you are a comfort to her at times.

I can understand you not wanting all this to spill over into school, which does seem to be a refuge ATM. That would be a precious thing, and you would not want to risk spoiling it. Perhaps something like the Kids Help Line would be better - completely away from school.

I do like Vero's answer to her dad, but I'd not use it if I thought it would just make him madder.

Hang in there, you are a strong and sensible person and will cope with all this, hopefully withoutside help to make it easier, both for you and your mum.

Croix

Help I am scared of my own dad

geoff — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 18:59:57 GMT

Hello Juliap, it's true that men feel anxious and will just decide that it is easier to remain silent after a conflict, but in this particular situation, it's not the case because your dad has the upper hand and that's what we are worried about.

All of this is draining your energy and will make you tired so that you might not be able to deal with exams and your concentration will be affected.

I would really like to hear back from you when it's possible.

Geoff.

Help I am scared of my own dad

J-J — Wed, 20 Jun 2018 00:53:45 GMT

This is not ok!

Can you go stay with another family member until things are sorted at home?