topic Disgust in Young people

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Fri, 25 Jul 2014 13:54:30 GMT

Has anyone ever repressed traumatic memories, and then suddenly just remembered what happened? I was going through a website about sexual abuse, and although I had already known I was sexually abused, I had forgotten the other time, honestly I had shoved it to the back of my mind and then all of a sudden the memories flooded back in. I feel so disgusted, and lost. I feel unclean, because at the age of 7 I was already being abused, and I just feel.. i dont know. Lost, disgusted and sad. I've been losing hope a lot lately, that im never going to be able to feel happiness again since its been so long and this has made me just withdraw, and lose even more hope for life. Im just rambling now, sorry

Disgust

white knight — Sat, 26 Jul 2014 04:17:52 GMT

Hi freemefrommydemons

I have not had lost memories. I dont have an answer. But I do have a huge amount of respect for people like you that have endured sorrow and hurt. Stay on here Hope someone can answer your questions. We are all anonymous caring souls, some with similar experiences that want to help.

Cyber hug

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Sat, 26 Jul 2014 06:02:20 GMT

Thank you. I feel like I am never going to get a break, just as I think I am finally making progress something sets me back and I feel back to step one all over again. I dont know how much longer I can keep this up, I am getting so tired and running out of strength to continue. I dont know what I have done to deserve this life, and everytime I think of it I feel disgusted, like I deserved it all

Disgust

white knight — Sat, 26 Jul 2014 07:35:34 GMT

Anon had some sound advice. Find some more fight freemefrommydemons, you can do it. You have made the best progress so far. Come on, keep going.

Disgust

AGrace — Sat, 26 Jul 2014 08:06:45 GMT

Hi freefrommydemons,

I can relate a little to what you're saying. The mind definitely has this protective mechanism which kicks in after trauma, and often we don't recall or think about past offences because we are not yet ready to deal with them. It's completely understandable that at the age of 7 you wouldn't have been equipped to process what was going on and how it was impacting you. I'm happy to share a segment of my story with you.

At the age of 16, after being with my boyfriend for 8 months, I accidentally fell pregnant. We decided to keep the baby. I had been going to obstetric appointments, we'd purchased nursery furniture, I'd heard my baby's heartbeat, and we'd seen an image of him/her. At 22 weeks my boyfriend decided that he didn't want to keep the child, my parents then thought it would be best for me to terminate. Being so young I had little choice. At 25 weeks I ended the pregnancy. 2 weeks later I was still healing emotionally and recovering physically from the procedure. One night I stayed at my boyfriends place and woke up to him raping me. It was a nightmare come true. I couldn't understand why he would do this to me, and I felt too ashamed to tell anyone. How could I admit that the guy who was going to be the father of my child had violently assaulted me?

I didn't so much as forget the instance, but I never told anyone about it, and pretended for many years that it never happened. Over the last couple of years I have been dealing with a lot of issues regarding my mental illness. I started to feel better for a bit and that's when it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I couldn't get the memory of that night out of my mind. I couldn't stop myself from feeling all the shame, disgust, hurt, and sadness. I decided I had to tell my Psychiatrist and my current partner what had happened 17 years ago. The strange thing was it felt like it had only happened yesterday. My Psychiatrist told me that it's really common to suppress trauma and then have it come up when you get to a point where your brain thinks you can handle it. Telling her was the best thing I'd done. It wasn't my dirty secret anymore, and now I know that I was the victim in the situation. It was my ex boyfriend who was disgusting, shameful, and hurtful. I'm dealing with it better now. Sometimes I have dissociative episodes and my brain takes me back to that time, but I've forgiven myself for being powerless to stop it.

Through sharing this I wanted to pass on some hope to you.

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Sun, 27 Jul 2014 04:49:30 GMT

Wow, thank you very much for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage!
I was as I said 7 when the first attack happened, and he was sent to jail. It gave us some relief but I never knew the damage it would do to me later on. When I was aged 10-12, for about 2 years I was victim to a family member abusing me, at the same time someone in my neighbourhood was doing the same thing to me, I put it to the back of my mind and it has completely destroyed me. I didnt tell anyone about anything, and for many years people questioned why I wouldnt 'hook up' with any guys and left me being bullied because of it, at the same time my best friends would joke about the abuse that happened to me as a child and told me I made it up. So I constantly had reminders, it wasnt until this year (now 19 almost 20) that I told my psychologist, but since then all I have had is flashbacks and more memories come flooding in. Im honestly lost. I decided to drink last night, which is never a good idea but I got completely 'off my face' and lost my sense of security, having impulses to go and attempt, which luckily I didnt and had guys getting quite close all night. All I wanted to do was scream and cry but instead I kept drinking more until I forgot everything. I know I should feel angry at the abuser, but I feel like I should of been able to stop it. I feel so conflicted.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Disgust

AGrace — Sun, 27 Jul 2014 09:08:02 GMT

Hi freefrommydemons,

The flashbacks are tough, especially since they feel so real. Thanks for sharing what happened to you. I can imagine you were probably wondering why it was happening to you - especially from so many different people. The thing is there was probably absolutely nothing you could have done to stop it. That's how pedophiles and abusers work, they have this way of taking away all of your power, your voice, your ability to speak up and ask for help, and I don't mind admitting that sometimes you even think somehow you deserved it.

I was the exact opposite to you, I spent years having relations with various partners to try and erase the memory, to try and reenact the sexual act and be able to stay stop. I do understand that it definitely leaves you feeling like men in general are animals. At one point I questioned my sexuality and wondered whether I would be better of having relations with women.You never think at the time that you'll carry it with you for so long but you do.

One of the most powerful things my Psychologist did with me was to send me back to that night and to ask that 16 year old what she needed. Not even realising it I'd started crying and screaming out "tell me it will be ok, hold me and take it all away". So now whenever I get the memories or dissociative episodes that's exactly what I do, I tell my 16 year old self that it's ok, and that I'll protect her forever, and that I'll never let her get hurt again. It's my job now as an adult to provide that child self with comfort and a safe place. It doesn't take the memory away, but it does help me cope with it better.

Are you in a place now where you are in a relationship? I wonder too what you would say to your child self if you had the chance?

Sadly, as I think you know, alcohol isn't the answer. It's just a band aid for a problem that needs stitches and bandages. Escaping and ending it is also not an option. I'm a survivor of attempts. It only punishes you, when what you really need is love, kindness, nurturing, and security.

Tonight I send you virtual hugs because I think that's what your child self needed at the time instead of what she got. xx

AGrace

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Mon, 28 Jul 2014 12:31:57 GMT

Thank you so much for replying! Last night was very rough, I had very vivid flashbacks and I almost felt like my soul was trying to leave my body? It was a very very weird feeling, I just did not feel right. I knew that I could not harm myself as I had my first class of uni today for the semester, and although I did not sleep very well at all I still managed to keep myself safe.
I did the exact same thing, questioning my sexuality just because I had such a fear of men, and if I see a man with the same charactaristics as my abuser I end up running in the opposite direction. Embarrasing!
That sounds like a wonderful idea, I dont know what dissociating is, but I have 'impulsive episodes' as my team likes to call them which leaves me feeling as if I have no control over myself and often I am unable to stop myself from harming myself. Lucky I havent had an episode in a week now.
Im not in a relationship, and I have never had one. As I said its taken me this long to even let a boy touch me, and I have to be drunk for that to happen. I suppose if I was my younger self I would tell her that she will be okay, that she will get through it and to speak up, dont believe the lies they told you, he cannot hurt you anymore.
I know ending it isnt an option, but in those instances you dont see a way out. Like you I have had multiple attempts to end my life, however I have been saved thanks to my freinds and family.
I guess at the moment I am most confused at all my sisters (not sure about my older sister) had been through the same abuse, however they do not seem to have any problems, I wonder whether thats because they were so much younger? 3, 5, (myself 7/8) and 10. I only know of one of my sisters with a small amount of trouble, such as fear of going outside at night, but nothing to the extent that I have. I literally hid everytime I heard a car coming, I could not stay outside later then 4 oclock, I refused to be alone, and couldnt sleep in the dark by myself until the age of 17. Im just very confused as to why I have so many issues surrounding this. Am I weak?
Thank you again xx

Disgust

AGrace — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 11:13:44 GMT

Hi freefrommydemons,

Apologies, I missed your reply.

There are probably a number of reasons why your sisters weren't as affected as you. Firstly being younger would be a contributor, they were just babies so they probably didn't feel like they could speak up at the time or stop it, and they may have therefore come to terms with this. We also don't know fear (except the fear of falling) until we're about 8, so at the time they may not have experienced the same terror as you, they wouldn't have known any better (sadly). Some of us are born more sensitive than others. This isn't a sign of weakness, sensitivity can actually have positive aspects too.

I wanted to ask you, because you have mentioned thoughts of Self harm and suicide, have you ever been checked for Borderline Personality Disorder? I'm no expert and obviously can't diagnose you, but your symptoms sound very familiar. You may wish to google this, and speak with your Dr about. Forgive me, I don't recall are you seeing a Psychiatrist at the moment?

I like what you decided you would tell your younger self. It would be worthwhile repeating that, particularly when you have flashbacks or urges.

I get what you mean by running in the opposite direction. I can't watch someone possibly being raped on tv, it just about makes me sick. Even if I don't see it, but I think there's a chance that it's happening.

I'm going to go back to the Psychiatrist comment, what professional help are you getting at the moment?

I hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Thu, 31 Jul 2014 10:10:21 GMT

Thank you for your reply AGrace.
Oh okay, yes that does make sense I suppose. The stranger thing was I didnt come forward about it, my younger sister did and when my parents found out they asked us all if it happened to us and instead of saying yes I said no, I still question why I did this.
I definately do think I was born a lot more sensitive, its mostly just annoying. If someone comments of something I do, or gives me any critism I tend to end up crying, and when I was younger I would cry so much but as I have grown up I have learnt to I guess hold back the tears until I am alone, because I now feel as if no one is allowed to see me cry, it makes me look too vulnerable/weak? I know this is a wrong statement but I still cannot convince myself to.
Ah yes, I have been after spending 20 weeks in and out of hospital and recovery wards the psychiatrist at the clinic told me I would most likely be diagnosed, but it wasnt until early this year after a suicide attempt that I was diagnosed. At the moment I am seeing 2 gp's, one for monitering of my eating disorder, and the other one for I dont even know what he is for! Haha and I am having fortnightly sessions with a psychologist.
After a session with my psychologist today it was very hard, but worthwhile speaking to her about everything, especially as she is the only person in my life who I have told about any of the abuse.
Overall it has been a difficult week

Disgust

AGrace — Tue, 05 Aug 2014 07:00:43 GMT

Hi FMFMD,

How are you?

Sorry I haven't been able to post of late. I'm actually in Langkawi, Malaysia and have limited internet access.

You mentioned that it was your younger sister who came forward. I can imagine the lack of admission would have been through shame, guilt, and fear. Which is very natural. Have you since confronted your parents about it?

I get the same thing in terms of sensitivity. I went to a work conference a couple of years ago and the facilitator gave me some feedback about something really minor. I cried for hours, I couldn't console myself, nor could anyone else. It can be annoying because we feel emotions at extremes and we don't have the ability to regulate them or self soothe. In people with BPD there's a couple of reasons for this. Firstly because of environmental factors when we were developing. We didn't learn how to. Secondly because of biological factors. Our Amygdala (the reptilian part of our brain responsible for the flight, fight, freeze response) is usually smaller in people with BPD so it often in firing mode. The other biological factor is that our frontal cortex doesn't work in the way that non-BPD people's does. This area is responsible for emotions. So in essence the way you feel is not at all your fault.

Have any of your Dr's spoken with you about doing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? This is the most common form of Psychological treatment for people with BPD. If you want to google Marsha Linehan DBT (she is the lady who founded the therapy, and also suffered from BPD). It would be good to raise this with your Psychiatrist if not already done.

I'm glad that you were comfortable talking to your Psychologist. The sessions can be really challenging, especially as they learn how to push our buttons and what our limits are. I think you will find though that the more you talk about it the less of a burden it will be.

Are you still suffering from your eating disorder? I had anorexia about 14 years ago. I still like to have control over what I'm eating. Sometimes it feels as though it's the only thing I have control over. I'm glad you are getting help with this though.

I hope this past week has been a little better for you.

AGrace

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Wed, 06 Aug 2014 00:55:50 GMT

Hi AGrace, that you for your reply.
I still have not told my family about what happened, sometimes I want to but I cannot bring myself to tell them, so I live with this secret.
Wow, its good to know that there are reasons behind the difficulties we experience, dometimes I honestly feel like its so hard to explain what I feel that I am making it up, and people often try to convince me that I am making up all these problems.
I think my psych was wanting to start with me on trauma therapy ? Im not sure, but she couldnt start it as I have been so unstable. I am very lucky that I have complete trust in her, so I am able to tell her when I do not feel safe, and when I feel uncomfortable with something, which she always helps me through.
I am still suffering greatly with my ed, its often more of a problem then any bpd symptoms although they could be interconnected? At the moment I am having great anxiety over the thought of growing up (I turn 20 next year) and im often overthinking a lot of things, and its causing me panic attacks. I use to get a lot of panic back when I was 15/16 but then I fully developed an eating disorder (anorexia) and the panic went away as I think as my body shrunk I felt like a child again. HArd to explain.
This past week has been quite horrible to say the least, I was abusing alcohol, my best friend attempted suicide and her boyfriend who is a good friend to me also was threatening suicide, and overall my mood has crashed so hard that I havent been able to force myself to attend uni, my appetite is pretty poor which stresses me as its a trigger for an ed relapse. Im just generally stressed and upset, a bit lost and I feel like everything is spinning out of control.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Disgust

AGrace — Wed, 06 Aug 2014 09:21:45 GMT

Ouch, that does sound like a really tough week. Does your friend have someone else she can lean on for support with what she's going through? It might be a bit much for you to get totally immersed in at the moment. Perhaps you can take a bit of a back seat in supporting her. Have you introduced her to any of the resources from Beyondblue? It might be a good idea for her and her boyfriend. When things are spinning out of control, are there some nurturing things you can do for yourself? I know there was a thread a little while ago about what gets you through the tough times. It might be just going for a small stroll, having a bath, reading a nice magazine or book, eating something naughty like chocolate, doing some mindfulness or meditation, doing some art, or listening to relaxing music.

In terms of your appetite, perhaps just try eating 5 or 6 really small meals each day, even if you don't feel like eating. It would be a shame for your anorexia to show it's head again when you've worked so hard to manage it. Eating Disorders definitely are linked to BPD. They are a form of Self Destructive Behaviour.

I understand getting stable before embarking on therapy. For a while there my Psychologist spent loads of sessions just doing crisis management with me. It's good to know there are some more long term plans in place though. It sounds like you have a really good relationship with her, this is so important for your treatment. Perhaps telling your parents can also be something you work with her toward in the future.

Take care of yourself for now, that's all you really need to do. Is there someone at uni you can chat to just to let them know you need to take a bit of time out?

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Thu, 07 Aug 2014 06:36:56 GMT

My friend doesn't really have anyone, and we have been through everything with eachother so I can't take a back seat, she wont talk to anyone as she doesnt feel comfortable with them, we have been friends for almost 5 years and it wasnt until last year when we really got talking, im okay with her talking to me because atleast she has someone.
Ive taken a turn and I am not relying on alcohol anymore (yay), I took a few days off uni to collect myself and my friends updated me on what I needed to do. Then today I went back as it was only a 1 hour class, and it was great. Im most concerned about the weekends as it seems that is when things become most difficult and my thoughts run wild.
I am managing to eat, but probably not enough as im losing weight however im not too concerned the anorexic thoughts arent too loud at the moment.
I have an appointment with my psych on tuesday so I will update her then and im sure she will be able to help, im not having any thoughts of hurting myself, at the moment I am just trying to remain stable.

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 04:32:55 GMT

Hey AGrace ! Well..
I had my appointment with m psychologist today, and it was quite a helpful session! I mentioned DBT to her, and she told me that we are already doing aspects of it, which I didnt realize! So she will talk to me about it next session again but we are working towards another type of treatment, but once again she is going to talk to me about it next session. I guess at the moment things are a bit hard, I am not sure why. Overall I am just quite low, I Think I am still getting over nearly losing my best friend. She messaged me the other day telling me she was okay and that she slept for 3 days after the overdose, which was concerning but she doesnt seem fussed about it, I am very stresssed as she lives a few hours away from me and I don't know how to help her. I hope our doing okay!

Disgust

AGrace — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 06:47:13 GMT

Hi,

I'm glad all went well with your Psychologist appointment. I actually had mine today as well. I think because DBT works across 4 main modules Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness it would only be natural that some of the therapies that you have been working on would come under one or more of these headings. But that's great that you've already started and didn't know it!

I can imagine your concern for your friend, and it must be hard not being close by her. I know we get caught up in sending emails, texts, making phone calls, that we often forget how nice it can be to receive something in the post. I have a sister and my little niece who live in London, and my sister often sends me little surprise parcels. I'll get a hand written letter, some of those postcards you find in cafe's, or a little book of quotes, or a novel, and it all means so much more to me than just an email/text. Perhaps you could do something like this for your friend? It might just remind her that you are really thinking of her because you've gone out of your way to do something special for her. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. Sending photos is another good idea, you might even like to make a photo book for her retelling some of the things you've been up to?

I think from personal experience that the lengthy sleep after her ordeal is normal.

You mentioned that overall you are feeling a bit low. Perhaps it might be nice for you to include something pleasurable in each day? I always like to have at least one thing to look forward to every day, even if it just makes me smile for 5 minutes. Having a bubble bath, getting a pedicure/manicure, Getting my hair shampooed and dried, walking to a local cafe for a chocolate muffin/hot chocolate, going to the movies or the art gallery, sitting in a park and watching pets or children play. It doesn't have to be anything big.

Thank you for asking, I'm doing ok. Trying to make sure I've got some plans in place for when my partner goes away next week - I don't like being alone. I'm also starting to get a bit of guilt set in about not working. I left my job almost a year ago, and the thought of going back to work still scares me, but when I see my partner coming home from work each evening it makes me feel like I'm lazy. Other than that all is well.

A big virtual hug to get you through the rest of today, and have a think about what nice thing you will do for yourself tomorrow:)

AGrace

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 11:56:19 GMT

I definately think the sessions are going well! I love how she makes me feel as if I am accomplishing something. I told her about my s/h relapse, and the alcohol and she told me that although I did fall I have come a far way from even just the beginning of the year when I couldnt even deal with anything and I would instead drink. I am now able to use different strategies and challenge the thoughts!
Wow thank you for those ideas! That is so so helpful. I think that would make her feel great!
I feel the same, being alone is hard! I totally understand. I haven't held down a job since 2012, it makes me feel guilty but I know when I am ready I will find work 🙂

Disgust

AGrace — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 04:25:03 GMT

It's interesting once you start to use the coping strategies you can still take a few steps backwards, but you never really seem to fall as hard as when you first became unwell.

Hopefully each time you relapse rather than seeing it as a failure, you will see it as an opportunity to put all of the things you've learned into practice.

That's a good way to look at the unemployment issue. I know when I'm ready I will do really well again, I just don't quite feel ready yet.

Disgust

freemefrommydemons — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 09:12:03 GMT

So I had my ex best friends 21st on the weekend (I say ex as we are still friends only she replaced me with her boyfriend) and I felt overwhelmed with the amount of people there, so I let my very close friend know and she understood and said after an hour she would take me home. I had been drinking and I felt unsafe, she understood this too however she didnt know how unsafe I felt and how irrational my thoughts were, but we left. I ended up going home, and felt better as there wasnt anyone around and drank a lot more. I ended up texting my friend to come get me so we could go out, and it was great fun! Until around 1 hour before 'lockout; when I began getting impulsive suicidal thoughts, so instead of acting on them I let me friend know again, and she instantly got me out of the club into the taxi and took me home! (YAY) I feel quite accomplished that I was able to let my friend know everytime I felt unsafe!
Yesterday my ex best friends boy friend messaged me however, telling me he was disaapointted that I left the 21st, and that set of my self destruct mode and I had a self harm relapse. I cried myself to sleep and cried all through today (not sure why but I feel better now) but yes, weekend was hecktic, and I am proud that I kept myself so safe. Looks like I am heading forwards now, and no turning back! 🙂