topic Grief about getting older... is this normal?? in Young people

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Thu, 26 Apr 2018 08:11:16 GMT

Hi, I'm Zoe and I'm relatively new to these forums, I've never even posted my own thread! I just had a question about this kind of sadness or grief that I've been feeling for a while. I'll be turning 18 this coming July (I'm in year 12) and I just feel so sick and anxious about the transition from adolescence to almost adulthood. My main feelings are around being an adult and having to do all of the adult things and having more responsibilities. Next year I could be going to uni/tafe, I've already got a job at an art store (it's so amazing, I love it and everyone is so lovely!!). I just get so overwhelmed and anxious thinking about all of the responsibilities and expectations around becoming an adult. I feel like after school there is still so much expectation for further education and deciding on your career pretty quickly. I also feel like there is so much expectation for people to get married, settle down and have kids pretty quick too. I don't know if anyone else has feelings like this, it's probably really silly. Every year before and during my birthday I know I should be excited, but I feel really sad and wish I could just skip it. I feel physically sick trying to write this and express how I feel about it. I don't want to get older!! Argh! I hope this makes sense, thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time to read this and reply, I really appreciate it xx

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

Croix — Thu, 26 Apr 2018 09:38:24 GMT

Dear Zoe~

What you say makes perfect sense and in your position I think I'd feel a little overwhelmed too

I see you have been helping other people which is pretty good, and now here you have your own thread. Helping others shows you are in charge, you have decided to talk with them, not just let things happen. The same applies to your life right now, you are in charge there and do not need to press to the point where you are making yourself over stressed. Getting sad or angry or wanting to scream probably means you are pressing too hard

You have your job in the Art Shop, and it sounds pretty good. It follows on from your own preferences and aptitudes, which sway you towards Art. (Not everyone has likes such as art, you are lucky there). I think you are going to find a lot of life is like that. Going to TAFE or UNI or elsewhere is partly going to be governed by location and finances, and partly your interests. If there is nothing at the time, then you think about what's next best - which may be doing nothing for a while. You get to decide

Getting married and having kids is not a good thing to rush into, you cannot imagine the difference in one's life once there is with a partner and then children. Again you are in charge of you, and decide whats OK when the time is right. Worry about it in the next 10 or so years:)

You have had problems in your life up to now. Being in a family that has separated, and not getting on well with your dad does seem as if it put more pressure on you, however you have reacted in a sensible manner and did seek outside counseling. I don't know if that particular councilor was a help, but it was the right sort of thing to try, and there is always another if the first is disappointing

I would suggest keeping up medical support, as pressure increases with the change from school it can be a real help. Keeping going with your journal is probably an excellent thing to do too

It really is great to have personal support and I wonder how you get on with your mum, can you speak frankly with her? A second person like a parent or other family member to lend perspective and a little security makes a huge difference

There is no rule book says you have to be excited about birthdays. It might help to realize that just about all the things you are worried about you have made a start on or laid the groundwork for already, and the rest will sort out, you are more sensible and capable than you realize

Whenever you wish you are welcome here.

Croix

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

white knight — Thu, 26 Apr 2018 09:51:59 GMT

Hi zoltron, welcome,

At 17yo +4 days, I joined the air force, was flown Melbourne to Adelaide for training. I might as well gone to Mars.

But like everything, you adapt and settle. That scared feeling comes with every job, ebery new relationship and so on. As you age it gets less because you realise everyone feels the same.

As for expectations, it is important to tealise your parents had their time and their choices. You have yours and that might be very different to their choices. Tjey mean well and its also fair and important to consider whatever they say. Gor example: in the last 20 years its become fashionable to leave child birth till you laye 30's. Well by then the chance of complications rise. Also does anyone really want to be raising teens in your 50's? Maybe?

Then there is the other extreme, having kids early which means you might be closer to your kids, a closer friendship as age difference is less. Your kids will fly the coup early so you can plan a later life better.

But the best thing you can do is live your life as you want to live it. Some single people get annoyed at bbq's when people try to match you, or ridicule you for being alone when it could be a choice.

You like art?. My daughter was a maths and art teacher. She became ill and no longer can teach but she does art for video games and her own paintings. Its very rewarding.

Just remember to earn money to live first as its hard to make an income in art.

Getting older van seem daunting. It will be challenging and it can be the best time in your life. Look at it more positive.

Thanks for coming on the forums

Tony WK

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

quirkywords — Thu, 26 Apr 2018 10:12:32 GMT

Zoe,

I must admit when I saw your title , I thought it was about an older person getting older.

Then I remembered at 16 worrying how I would cope as an adult. The next thing I know I am old enough to retire, where did those years go.

Life is for living and does throw you many unexpected things but somehow you do manage to cope.

Croix and Tony have written great replies with helpful suggestions.

You are very honest and I think many of your friends would have worries too, but not express themselves as well as you can. You are sensitive and I guess creative.

Do you keep a journal>? If not you could put drawing, art , writing , anything you like and date it. In years to come you will be interested to see how you were really feeling at almost 18. ? Just an idea that has helped me over the years.

Think what you want for your birthday this year and not what you think others want.

I used to get sad around my birthdays not because I was getting older but because I let people organise my birthday for me.

I appreciate you being honest and sharing your story. I am sure you are not alone and others will relate to your post.

Quirky

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

Birdy77 — Thu, 26 Apr 2018 10:14:49 GMT

Hello Zoe

Thank you for your excellent post and sharing your thoughts and fears about aging.

It made absolutely sense to me, and I have felt exactly the same during my life, you are not alone.

I am twice your age, and still feel the same feelings you do! Aaargh!! 😱

I would like to recommend a book, it's called "Adult Fantasy: searching for maturity in an age of mortgages, marriages and adult milestones" by Briohny Doyle.

It is excellent and so insightful and I would love to hear what you think.

Thanks again for sharing your feelings.

🌻birdy

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 21:18:39 GMT

Hello Croix, I cannot express how thankful I am for your wonderful reply! What kind words, I feel so lucky to be able to come to a place and get such a lovely response.

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but I do see myself as a leader and I am able to take charge of different things. I'd love to take charge of my own life and be excited for the future, but being so overwhelmed and stressed about what is to come blocks that.

I do love my job, I've met some lifelong friends, learnt so much and generally have a great time! I'm intending on staying there after school and if I attend uni or TAFE it would be great for work. I'll actually have been there for 2 years this July which is longer than any of my friends have held jobs and most of them don't even have one! I'm pretty proud of that achievement!! On the subject of uni or TAFE, I am quite overwhelmed about the new situation and setting of it so I'm not sure if I'd go straight away, I'd love to do something to do with art though!!

I do think I'm a bit afraid of relationships and marriage because of my parents divorce. It was quite messy and I've only learnt about some of the circumstances quite recently. Lots of my family members have also been through divorces and it really upsets me to see the impact it has on their children and extended family. I have actually seen my dad recently but I wasn't able to talk to him about the problems because his wife was around and I didn't think it was appropriate for her to hear it straight from me. I am continuing to see my counsellor, she's really helpful and easy to talk to. I do talk to my mum about some stuff, but things like this make me feel silly and I find it easier to share it anonymously over the internet.

Thanks again Croix, you've been so lovely and kind xx

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 21:24:24 GMT

Hi Tony, wow! That would be so scary, I admire your bravery in being able to move so far away at such a young age.

If I do end up starting a family, I don't want it to be too late in life, but I don't think I'll be as young as my parents (my mum had me when she was 22!!)- heck I've never even had a boyfriend so I've got to sort that part out first haha!! I hope your daughter is doing ok, it sounds like she's had some great career opportunities, video game art sounds really awesome!

Thanks so much for your help and advice Tony xx

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 21:34:47 GMT

Hey Quirky, sorry about the thread title, I'm so glad you replied anyway! Thanks for your advice, I just hope I don't worry my life away and end up being regretful later. I do keep a journal, thanks for that idea, I'll try it and see how it goes!

Thanks again for all your kind words and helpful suggestions. zoltron xx

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 21:37:08 GMT

Hello Birdy, even though its scary, it is nice to know that other people can relate. Thanks for the recommendation on the book, I'll go out and look for it as soon as I can!

Thanks, zoltron xx

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

quirkywords — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 21:55:03 GMT

Zoe,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to everyone and for your kind comments to us all.

I can see you as a leader as you are a thinker and an individual and your qualities shine through your words. I am glad you have a good counsellor you can talk to.

I think relationships are tricky at any age and even if you had parents who stay married it is still daunting. .

I asked one of my children once was he ut of marriage because his parents were divorced. he said know, but he wouldn't rush into marriage like I did! (Another story)

I hope by writing here it has helping you to make sense of some of your worries.

Feel free to post here whenever you like.

Quirky

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

Sonno — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 22:46:20 GMT

Hi Zoe. I'm 69 and have lived a pretty full life. I've chased my dreams, some fulfilled, some dashed to pieces. The thing is, life keeps going on and keeps CHANGING, whatever our age. It's human nature to be a bit scared of the future unknowns but we all have to take up the challenges as they arise. Best not to concern ourselves with other people's expectations of us - marriage, settling down, kids, career etc. We deal with this stuff as life unfolds and evolves. Just be true to yourself and how you REALLY FEEL about things. We must plan for the future and hope things go our way but to paraphrase John Lennon - Life just happens though we may have made other plans. No point worrying about getting older because there's nothing you can do about that. Be GRATEFUL for the thing you do have in your life. We all take so much for granted and only realize it when we lose something. Try to get the best out of EACH day, not fear the future or dwell on the past. As they say, " Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery ". Zoe, you are young and have a lot of living to do. Make the most of it and may lots of GOOD LUCK come your way.

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

Croix — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 23:47:48 GMT

Dear Zoltron~

You have scored some pretty excellent advice here and as Quirky says I think you are already starting to be a leader. Following your aptitudes and interests in your choice of job - and the fact it's working out - is an example. A lot of the time it is not so much taking charge of life as dealing sensibly with the things life offers us (both good and bad).

If your parents had a messy divorce it is not really surprising you wonder and worry about getting married. It shows you very clearly how things can go wrong. My parents made all sorts of mistakes (including divorce) and while it made me question their ability to see beyond themselves I learned a lot from it and have tried to not make those same mistakes myself.

It has actually been helpful in a back-to-front sort of way. I've ended up with a pretty clear guide as what NOT to do. For instance I really try not to say anything that is too harsh or cannot be taken back to the people I love even if I get very cross.

You are right that TAFE or Uni is a big thing. Going straight from school suits many as they are in the 'study' mode and can switch over, plus many have parents to support them. For others they need to see other things first, then some may come back and study more. I think your idea of following your interests in art is wise. There is an awful lot of sitting and listening or reading, and if you are not interested in the subjects for their own sake it can become a very long grind.

I hope you do get the chance to talk to your dad.

Croix

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 10:57:07 GMT

Hi Quirky! Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words! I'm still really struggling, but everyone's support has been great. Hopefully I can spend more time on the forums, I've got lots of questions and things I'd like to write/ask about.

Zoltron x

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 11:00:35 GMT

Hello Sonno, thank you so much for all those lovely, encouraging words! Thanks also for your unique perspective, I've never really thought about it that way!

Zoltron x

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

zoltron — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 11:15:46 GMT

Hi Croix! I'm so sorry I haven't been on the forums for a while, school and life has been so hectic lately!

Thanks for your perspective on turning experiences into lessons. Throughout the past few years I've been doing that quite a bit. When I found out about the terms and stuff around my parents divorce I felt really angry and upset that something like that would happen (sorry this is so vague, I don't feel comfortable sharing the details of this on the forums yet!) and it taught me to never allow myself treated in that way etc. I was quite angry for a few months (this all happened in January) and it kind of died down a bit, I came to a point of peace and acceptance I think. I did have a chat with my dad and it was a complete fail! He spent the entire time being angry at him for not telling him about what was up for so long (I hadn't really spoken to him since January), denial of the whole thing and putting the blame on other people. I've returned to feeling really angry and upset with him. He has already asked me when I'll be ready to chat to him again and spend time with him as if everything is ok?! ARGH!! Sorry to vent on such a diverted topic, I don't really have anyone to talk to about this or anything else I'm going through at the moment.

So thank you Coix, you've been so kind and supportive! zoltron x

Grief about getting older... is this normal??

Croix — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 12:21:18 GMT

Dear Zoe/Zoltron (not sure which you prefer, sing out)~

Your dad sounds a right pain ATM, and that trick of blaming others is common, as is ignoring the problem and wanting to talk again about other things. I guess by now you realize some people still have growing up to do at any age.

I think if it was me - and not too painful or made you too angry, I'd try to keep a bridge open with your father. The conversations may not be always satisfactory, but as the more mature sounding one I think you can probably deal with that. You both have futures and people do change and grow.

One of the other things is that you can look at your parents divorce and maybe wonder why it had to happen. You may well be able to see the mistakes they made that led to it and wonder why on earth they did not avoid those things and try harder. Anger at all this mess is a pretty reasonable feeling.

Sadly everyone makes their own mistakes, even if it realy affects others. Perhaps when you have a serious relationship their problems may become a chart to steer by as I have had. One thing I do is have an agreement with my partner never to say anything too hurtful, or that can't be taken back - no matter what the circumstances.

I hope the art store and all is going well

Nice to hear from you

Croix