I feel lost, worthless, and hate myself.

CB1994 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 10:32:19 GMT

Hi.

Wow. This is incredibly awkward. I don't know where to begin. Always been bad at expressing myself.

Anyway, I had a pretty typical life growing up - Or at least, I thought it was normal at the time. My grandmother raised and home-schooled me while my mother worked. A mother that would get up, have a coffee, go to work and we'd be lucky if she would have time to say hi before dinner.

The fights. Screaming, fists raised. Countless times my mother would say something to set my grandmother off, and then THE GLOVES CAME OFF. Multiple times I intervened by screaming "I'M GOING TO EXPLODE IF YOU DON'T STOP!" - Before I could really comprehend suicide, I guess. A few times I would have to grab a flying fist before it made contact. I saw it as my job to keep the family together. I mean, it was my fault, right?

All I wanted growing up was a family that cared. Not even that, just a family would have been nice. My uncle became a drug addict and left with my cousins back in the early 2000s. My grandfather is a priest (!!) and always creeped me out as a kid. Honestly, I can live without him. My father... probably doesn't know I exist. My step-grandfather was, and is a drunk who is probably up in a pub somewhere. I love him, but we don't keep in contact

My mother would always put her things on the same spot on the bench. Her purse, with her phone on top, with her keys next to them. My grandmother would try to get her attention by putting my report cards and tests and homework between her purse and phone, but would she look? "Maybe later"

One day, just a few months before I turned 14, I was in the back yard and heard screaming. Came back in, my grandmother is holding a knife in the kitchen and my mother goes running past (Note: Her face is unmarked) - Five minutes later, she comes out of the bathroom with a cut on her face and blood dripping down her cheek/chin. "YOUUUUUUUU CUT ME, YOU BITCH!"

At this time, she had met a new boyfriend (the newest of 4 in the past two years) online three weeks prior; She got in the car and left.

At least, until she came back with the police.

Looking back, I should have said no, but this moment defined the rest of my life. I was kidnapped, legally, and dropped back off the next day dazed, confused, and crying.

Getting to the limit and there's so much shit to go. Will leave the rest

Even to this day, I feel like it's my fault the family is such a broken mess. I know I can't do anything to change it, but it would be nice to be...

Normal.

I feel lost, worthless, and hate myself.

Peppermintbach — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 21:39:30 GMT

Hi CB,

I read your post and found it absolutely heart wrenching...the amount of hurt, violence and trauma that you have both faced and witnessed is heart breaking.

I know you mentioned that you struggle with self expression but I feel in that post, you did a beautiful job in expressing your emotions. I felt so much pain was expressed in your words. I feel you’re very self aware and insightful. You have some wonderful qualities...

All you have ever wanted was to have your family together. It’s such a simple wish yet sad that your family has been torn apart in so many ways...I’m so sorry, CB...

I hear your huge sense of “responsibility” for your family. I know you mean well and seem like a very loving person but please believe me when I say that none of this is your “fault” (even if you feel like it’s your fault, you’re not to blame at all).

I feel people who grew up in homes with lots of anger, violence, etc often feel a huge sense of responsibility to “fix” everything and want to keep the family together. But dare I be bold and suggest that the responsibility remains with the people who made whatever decisions they made at the time to hurt others. You were a child or teenager at the time. You weren’t and aren’t at fault in any way whatsoever...

I know you have been through so much. I’m glad you’re sharing some of your pain here. I feel it can sometimes be cathartic to write and release some of those painful emotions...

I know you’re hurting a lot and I sense so many mixed emotions in your post. Please write whenever you feel like it. We are here to listen and support you...

Compassionate and caring thoughts,

Pepper

topic I feel lost, worthless, and hate myself. in Young people

I feel lost, worthless, and hate myself.

I feel lost, worthless, and hate myself.